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A guide to dinosaurs.

A guide to some dinosaurs and other prehistoric creatures, in case you have an important exam coming up that you need help with.

Diplodocus: Like painting the Forth Road Bridge, a female diplodocus never really finished applying her fake tan, by the time she'd reached her tail she had to begin applying the next coat to her head and neck again (many scientists believe that devoting all their time to applying their tans is the main reason the diplodocus died out). These were incredibly long animals, longer even than the ending of a Lord Of The Rings film, and often a diplodocus' tail, arse and the back of their hind legs would be eaten entirely by predators before the pain and information managed to travel up to the animal's brain and warn it. As herbivores, their diet consisted mainly of ferns, leaves, and rhubarb crumble made to their granny's own secret recipe.

Ichthyosaur: Like dolphins and whales, these sea creatures were originally land animals, but on a family holiday to Blackpool they went for a swim (they were young, and had spotted the dangerous predator the paedoisauradon, which preyed on the young, lurking on the beach, so decided it was safer in the water), got caught in the current, and were swept out to sea. Over time evolution turned their legs into fins, and they eventually discarded their swimming goggles as their eyes adapted to sea life. Soon they were as happy as Larry in their new environment (though they probably had another saying along these lines in those days, as Larry, and indeed humans as a whole, hadn't been invented yet).

Triceratops: The herbivore's champion, the Triceratops was always called upon when nasty old bully Tyrannosaurus Rex started picking on the other plant-eaters. Time and time again, there he'd be, "happily" chewing on some plants (wishing deep down he'd been born a carnivore, as he watched them tucking into their cheeseburgers with relish. Pun intended), when the cry would come up in the distance "Tricey! oh Tricey! the big freak with the tiny arms is picking on us again! he's eaten Gary's anus, and Gary needed that for shitting with. Please come and help us". Off Triceratops would go, muttering and grumbling, to fight that big dick. Armed with a protective frill around its neck, three horns, and a fat arse, the Triceratops was a formidable opponent, and despite all of his boasting, T Rex wasn't keen on a square go with him if he could help it (he preferred picking on the other veggies, the big pussy). Because of Triceratop's power as an aggressive twat-deterrent, they had a lot of respect amongst their community, and eventually began to use it to their advantage, eventually beginning the world's first protection racket. They would extort the best plants from Hadrosaurs and other weedy veggie dinosaurs, in exchange for keeping T Rex at bay (it is believed that Al Capone could trace his family tree all the way back to this powerful, grumpy beast).

Tyrannosaurus Rex: Tyrannosaurus Rex's name comes from the Latin Tyranno (little-armed) and Rex (freak), due to his fucked-up build. Descended from an early form of kangaroo, the T Rex had powerful hind limbs, but relatively tiny front limbs, which made T Rex a right moody, aggressive fucker. There was no way on Earth this beast could ever hope to wipe his or her own arse, so they were forced to live a life of solitude, due to the constant smell of shit coming off of their encrusted shite-pipe. Breeding was also a problem, as even they couldn't stand the permanent waft of dung perfume coming off of other T Rex's, so they were rarely in the mood for bit of the other with each other. Unfortunately their tiny front limbs also made wanking impossible, so the combination of all these things made T Rex a right stroppy bastard. Due to this, most scientists believe that the T Rex died out due to stress-related heart attacks.

Archaeopteryx: As one of the earliest forms of birds, Archaeopteryx liked to take the piss out of land-based creatures, by deliberately shitting on their food just as they were about to eat. They also liked to shout insults from way up high, inferring that as they were a transitional animal between dinosaurs and modern birds, that this meant they were far more evolved than those primitive, laughably land-based dinosaurs. In short, they were feathered, preening, pricks.

Albertaceratops: The earliest known ancestor of Coronation Street star Albert Tatlock.

Styracosaurus: The Aldi version of Triceratops, and it didn't half have a complex about that!

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