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Kind of wish I had alcohol in this house because I would pop that cork immediately! It’s the one time I feel like I need a literal shot.

What are my Thursdays gonna be like nowwwww???

#half man hbo #half man #i feel like im going insane #also inspired #richard gadd #jamie bell

On the anniversary of her death, over two thousand years hence, the warrior Xena was born again the Daughter of Olympus. Her midwife was Gabrielle, who had devoted her immortal life to resurrecting her- for Xena’s spirit had lingered at her side for seven years of her mortality, and then, as is the fate of all Earthly Spirits, broke apart and was scattered into the relics of her life- being as she was a traveller, and having touched so many lives, she was in many countless pieces then.

When Gabrielle sought the counsel of the Hellenic King of the Dead, knowing not what had become of Xena, Hades told her what had happened, that by clinging to eachother after death they had ensured they would never again meet in another life. And Gabrielle could not abide this, for though the two of them had been well acquainted with many Kingdoms of Death and had long accepted that one day they would reside in one or another, it was the promise of their eternal reincarnation that had comforted them many a time.

So Hades offered Gabrielle two boons, for Xena had always respected him and his realm, and had, in the past, rendered her services to him in times of great need. First, he told Gabrielle the way to gather the countless pieces of Xena’s spirit together and bind them with Godsblood and the fruit of life and thereby make her whole again. And Second, he gave her two seeds of the fruit of life from his garden, and bade her eat one, that she might live to complete her task. Once Gabrielle had done that, her spirit was bound to Hellenic realms and would not go to any other Kingdom of Death on the day her immortality faltered, and this as well was a boon to Hades.

But Gabrielle asked one more thing of him, for he had told her to gather the blood of twelve Gods, so that the influence each would have on Xena would be balanced, and Gabrielle did not know many Gods who were friendly to her. She asked if he would give the first blood, and he acquiesced, for he had only withheld assuming Gabrielle would loathe to put any mark of Death into Xena’s spirit.

Thereafter, Gabrielle’s task stretched for two-thousand years, and mostly this was spent gathering the pieces of Xena’s spirit, which were scattered in every weapon she had held, every horse she had ridden, every person she had once wounded or protected, every place she had laid her head, and so on. For ten years Gabrielle made steady progress, retracing the steps of their journeys together. For one hundred years, she sought relics from Xena’s past, and there began to truly realize and despair at the scope of the mission. Then, for one thousand years she simply wandered, collecting what she came across, and the mortal bloodlines carrying Xena’s spirit proliferated, and spread her to every corner of the world.

Then, finally, Aphrodite came to her- for though Hellenic gods were no longer objects of worship at that time, they still lived and held some power in the world- and chastised her, and reminded her- you have been given all of time to complete this task, but you need not do it alone- It is many hands, not many years, that make a great burden manageable. And Gabrielle considered this, and her aimless millennia then came to an end, and she raised a secret order to aid her in her task, to whom she taught the method of sensing Xena’s spirit in a thing, and she dubbed them the Seekers of the Earthly Spirit, and they spread to every corner of the earth, and even where her teachings were diluted, relics of Xena’s spirit were uncovered and made available to her by them. And even where there were great schisms, and relics were destroyed, it was no worse a setback than the endless march of time and mortality usually offered.

Then came the time of mercantilism, and thereafter, the time of capitalism, and the world grew smaller and more centralized and the great task became gradually more achieveable, and Gabrielle united as many of the scattered Seekers as she could into a great institution, which soon became a global corporation, deploying its vast resources in pursuit of Xena’s resurrection, and as well many charitable causes, for Gabrielle had always and would always seek to do good with whatever power she had in the world, and had some promises to fulfill besides.

The task of collecting Godsblood was easy in comparison. At the beginning, she asked the two Gods she knew best- Aphrodite & Ares. Aphrodite gave blood freely and without hesitation, for she had a great affection for Gabrielle, and by extension a great respect for Xena, her beloved, and it was well in her nature as a God of Love to aid one in love in their search for their other half. Ares also had a great respect for Xena, but above that, he coveted her, and could not resist the opportunity to bind her more surely to him, so he offered blood, but asked that Gabrielle pledge herself to him in exchange.

Gabrielle refused this offer, knowing that eventually Ares’s desire to see her again would overcome his desire to own her- and she was correct. He kept a close eye on her over the centuries, and made such an offer many times, and each time Gabrielle refused, and would not speak with him. But when the pieces of Xena’s spirit were all collected, and Gabrielle had gathered blood from eleven Gods, and so Ares was the last piece needed, he finally broke and came before her and offered his blood, asking only to attend Xena at her rebirth in return. And to this, Gabrielle agreed.

After Ares and Aphrodite, Gabrielle sought Athena, Artemis, Hermes, and Apollo. Athena acquiesced, for she too had a great respect for Xena and had often been jealous of Ares’ influence over her. Artemis refused, for though Xena was now a friend to the Hellenic Amazons, her chosen people, she had in many times and many ways been the cause of their downfall, and had in fact, personally wiped out their sister tribe to the East. Hermes agreed to give blood only if Gabrielle could win it from him in a game of hide and seek, which lasted many centuries, but eventually she did succeed. Apollo acquiesced as well, with a promise from Gabrielle to keep always the muses in her heart and never give over completely to the pragmatic warrior path Xena had lead her down. Gabrielle kept this promise, and in one thousand years when she began to teach her Seekers, she imparted to them her knowledge of and reverence for the arts as well, and this was a great boon to Apollo.

And some time later, as humanity spread to every inch of the world and the domain of wilderness began to shrink, and many species of animal disappeared from the world, Artemis came to Gabrielle and offered her blood for the promise to teach as well a reverence for the wilderness and all living things that give their lives as food for one another. And Gabrielle had always taught reverence for life, but this new twist of philosophy was not native to her and she had many conversations with Artemis on the matter before she was satisfied she could fulfill that promise. Only then did she accept the offer, and thereafter her greatest boon to Artemis was the conservation work her Seekers undertook, long before the need for such a thing was widely acknowledged or discussed.

Two Gods came to Gabrielle and made her offers of their own initiative- Gaia and Hephaestus. Gaia gave no explanation, but sent Gabrielle a priestess with a vial of blood. In truth she was playing a very long game, of the kind only such an Old God can. Her first motivation was, having known Xena only as the Earthly Spirit she had become, she wished to give her a piece of the Earth in herself that she might return to it, if one day she regretted her resurrection. But secondly, she knew that in doing so, if she ever did, Xena would bring to the Earth the blood of eleven Gods as well as her own, and that power would renew the Earth and extend its life. But this was something that would not come to fruition for many immortal lifetimes, many millions of years to come, and there would be no purpose in explaining it to one so young, so she did not. Hephaestus gave his blood at the request of his wife Aphrodite, for he could deny her nothing, and it was not of much concern to him.

And then, having exhausted the obvious options, Gabrielle remembered Dionysus, who was known to give his blood as wine at Maenad festivals. Though she was far more wary of putting the mark of Madness into Xena than the mark of Death, it seemed to her then that she should take the opportunity given, in case she had no other options. In the end, after the great accomplishment of gathering every piece of Xena, and in the face of Ares’ eagerness, and that of her mortal Seekers- impatience would overcome this wariness, and she would include it.

The last two Gods were Prometheus and Poseidon. Gabrielle did not think to ask Prometheus until she was surrounded by reference to him as the Humanists of Europe took him as a mascot. Her request bemused him, but he agreed easily, for he still owed Xena for freeing him from his eternal imprisonment so long ago.

Poseidon was one of the Gods Gabrielle had first ruled out, for he and Xena had always been at odds. But she had also had a great affinity for the Sea, and for horses, both his domains, and so often in her search for Xena’s pieces, Gabrielle met Poseidon, and though they were never close friends, eventually she could not justify keeping silent. Poseidon refused at first, but every time they met thereafter, she would ask in one way or another, and eventually she won it from him in a bet on a horse race. This was a great embarrassment to him, and he eternally regretted not taking one of her more generous offers to trade, though in truth he had won many more boons from her in previous gambles than he would have received otherwise.

Thus were all the ingredients assembled for Xena’s birth, and in attendance on that day were Aphrodite, Ares, and a mortal Seeker named Susan Yin, whose family had lived as Seekers for seven generations and served Gabrielle directly for four. Susan had as well proven herself trustworthy in her own lifetime, and gained Gabrielle’s respect and confidence many times over, and so Gabrielle wished her known to Xena as family. Gabrielle had also invited Artemis to whom she had become close as well, but Artemis still felt Xena was no friend and did not wish to attend. In addition to these invited guests, Athena attended uninvited, for her rivalry with Ares in this matter would not allow her to miss it. Her presence made Gabrielle uneasy, but no more so than Ares’, so she did not protest.

The site of Xena’s rebirth was a public bathhouse which Gabrielle had rented out for the day. She had hoped, in the many times she had imagined this moment, for a more intimate location, but the volume of relics was far too great, even as reduced as they were. All that was required was a piece of each relic- a metal shard, a scrap of cloth, a strand of hair, a grain of sand- but all told the assembled dust and detritus filled the largest pool there completely. Then Gabrielle poured Xena’s ashes on top, which she had kept at her side every moment since her cremation, and over that, each vial of Godsblood, one by one. Last she dropped in the second seed of the fruit of life which Hades had given her so long ago, and reached into her soul for the endless sorrow she had felt then, as Xena’s spirit had slowly lost coherence and finally faded away. And a tear fell from Gabrielle’s eye into the pool, and then she backed away and stood with the others to wait.

After a time the seed sunk through the muck as though it were lead rather than divine cellulose, and the Godsblood, which glowed in twelve different shades also seeped into the muck, and then- instantly- the water cleared and then began to boil violently, so that nothing could be seen below the surface but the vague shape of a person. Having seen that shape, Gabrielle dove into the boiling water without hesitation, and hauled Xena out and held her in her arms- And though her skin was pink and scalded, soon she healed, as is the gift of the fruit of life.

Now for the first time in two thousand years, Gabrielle looked upon the face of her beloved, and her heart swelled with pride at her achievement, and bled with nostalgia for the days they had shared together, and all this brought more tears to her eyes, but as well the tears came from an uncomfortable feeling- for it seemed that in those two thousand years, she had forgotten that face, and now she feared as well, she had forgotten how to love it, how to relate with it in that specific way that defined their partnership.

There was no doubt she felt affection for the thing in her arms- she had labored many years to create it, and as well held many fond memories of it from long ago- but the feeling was an open one, the abstract unconditional love one can have only for the idea of a person, before the reality of them threads through it and over time anchors it or destroys it. And what she feared now was the real possibility of destruction- for she knew she was a different person now than before, and she could not trust her memories of Xena either, and so there was no guarantee, and in fact no possibility at all, that things would be as they once were.

Some pet peeves regarding Mental Health:

When you notice that all of the focus is how the mental health issue affects someone's productivity. ADHD has so many different symptoms and affects multiple sections of the brain, yet the focus is not just the person's productivity but increasing and FIXING that productivity. Who cares about the rest? Are they a productive member of society seems to be the only focus, not the person's actual well-being.

The emphasis on FIXING someone with mental health issues or concerns. What are these people doing to FIX themselves? How dare they not actively work on it? Why can't we just FORCE them to fix the problem? Will this medication or action FIX the issue? Holy shit, people, brains don't work that way. At all. That's not how it WORKS. I've had people ask me about FIXING or CURING my ADHD, and in order to do that, I would be unrecognizable. And how would you define it as cured? When I'm more productive? When I stop info-dumping on you? What is your definition of FIXED?

The need to categorize mental health and put everything in a neat and orderly box. My dude: humans take existing items and try to place made-up titles on them and put them into made-up categories in order to work with them, better understand them, fucking TAX them, decide if you can't eat them on certain religious holidays, etc. It isn't a human stumbling across a book in a field and going, "Oh, I know what this is because it is clearly titled and described." No. We are making these things up as we go with the full understanding that these things are going to change based on our growing knowledge of them and changed perceptions of them. Hell, even the "neurotypical" and "neurotypical" categories are highly abused and popularly misunderstood. The former isn't describing "This is how a brain is supposed to be" and the latter isn't describing a broken brain. It is more related to problem #1: the former is more socially accepted and the latter is less socially acceptable, generally based on that damned PRODUCTIVITY thing and their ability to be "socially appropriate" in certain public areas. That's it.