was up all night feeling awful about the breakup again. really I had never felt that particular emotion before. like, there was something near me before but now just this cold, eerie void I keep stumbling into. just wide awake and afraid and really wanted to talk to someone right then. luckily I didn't, and gf ended up messaging me for something completely innocuous and I didn't talk about my feelings. I think doing so would have been extremely unwise
so I slept for a couple hours and when I woke up I was embarrassed about the whole thing. but I know what I felt. maybe I'll feel it again tonight. but my best friend was finally back in town so I got to unload to her a little finally. cried some more but felt better after. came home and made a breakup playlist. time will tell whether this was a productive activity.
can't believe I'm saying this but I kinda want to get out there and date again. don't know if that is a good idea. there's all this cultural angst around "rebounds" or whatever but I don't think I am very susceptible to that sort of thing. I don't care for partnered sex and it is really hard to get me to lower my inhibitions even on a good day. if not for the kink scene I doubt it would have happened with gf. course, that is another issue. all the kink scene is poly so I doubt I will look there to date again. but that means I may have to find some other way to cultivate intimacy with someone. I have never successfully done it otherwise.
also think it's a Bad Look (to potential partners) to be dating so soon again. what am I even after? idk. not sex, that's for damn sure. not attention, like gf is. a distraction? doesn't seem right, got plenty of other stuff to happily distract myself with. think it's maybe I kinda miss expressing affection and caring for someone. what the fuck. since when did I need that. but anyway it takes a miracle to move me to do that, so it's not a reasonable expectation either
idk, that's all a problem for another day. too tired. it's weird, still having this love for each other but being fine with moving on to other relationships. she's a part of me, my first kiss and first sex, first love by certain accounts of love. I'm not her first anything but I know I'm a part of her too. I don't mean it in a sinister way, but it feels sinister anyway, but I don't want it to, but it feels GOOD too - to know that she'll always be made to think of me at times. whenever she hears German, whenever she sees anything Tolkien, whenever she wears a gag - I'll be there. and I like the idea. I want it that way. what should I make of that. I love her. I want her to go on to find someone else to love her like I do, or better. but I want her to remember me.
