Shock registered in Mithien’s systems. Verdant eyes widened as she stared at Tamar, quietly absorbing her words. With each confession, the girl’s face seemed to grow a little paler. She opened her mouth as if to speak then paused for a moment. Gloomy and useless? Words Mithien often used to describe herself.
“I’m sorry Tamar…I shouldn’t have…” Her voice withered into silence, a flower crushed by frost.
The blonde paused, pulling in a slow breath. You are selfish. But so am I. “I only said that because I…well, I thought I saw something of you that…reminded me of myself.” She lifted one shoulder in a sheepish shrug.
“I don’t really think I can fault you for wanting to live. Even if most of the time I feel I don’t want to be saved. Don’t deserve to be saved, I mean.” Her solemn gaze shifted to the ground beneath her boots. “I’m selfish too. I want to be happy so I endanger others by not pushing them away. Or I hurt them by not cutting ties soon enough.”
At her sides, her hands curled into loose fists. “All I want is to protect others. You say your value your life over nearly anyone else’s? I don’t know your reasons, but if you want to know the truth, I don’t fully understand. But that’s just because the only purpose I have in staying alive is to do something to help someone else. I have to make his sacrifice worthwhile. And once I do…well, I don’t really care what happens to me.” Mithien found herself blurting the confession, the words quick and bitter. She blinked, feeling warm tears threaten her eyes. Tamar’s own blunt speech must have prompted this in her. It was the only explanation she could think of.
I thought I saw something of you that…reminded me of myself.
The medic turned her attention to the blonde, ever so slightly shocked. It was strange, wasn’t it? How to almost strangers could have some something in common when it came to their stories, the things that made them what they were today. Or perhaps it wasn’t strange at all, but a consequence of living in the world that they lived in. Being born in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“I…don’t think too much about it, Mithien,” Tamar muttered, she was never too keen to discuss her terrible personality or her reasons behind doing things. Because people would realize just how damn selfish she was, and she couldn’t do with that.
“I don’t think I could fault anyone with wanting to live, that’s what humanity does-attempt to survive. And we seem to do a pretty good job of doing it at any cost whatsoever,” she shrugged. “You’re a brave girl for admitting that you’re selfish so outright…” brave or foolish, Tamar wasn’t sure which would be more accurate. Or which would have been better to say-fools seemed to live longer for some reason after all. I have to make his sacrifice worthwhile. So they did completely opposite things for the same reasons? It would have been touching if it wasn’t so sad. No matter what Mithien said, she was selfish in a damn good way.
“But…if you die protecting someone then the cycle goes on, don’t you want to just treasure the life he wanted to make sure you’d have? Why don't you care? It was obvious someone did once, after all.” It was a question asked out of genuine curiosity but she stopped herself from continuing the moment she noticed the girl’s eyes. Maybe she’d gone too far or maybe the girl was just…emotional. She wasn’t entirely sure. “I’m so sorry that you feel that way.”