Actions Vs. Identity, or Why We Should Stop Policing Ourselves
I would like to address something i've noticed that exists within every community, but seems especially rife within alternative communities such as the kink community, the polyamory community, the queer community, etc. There is this whole strain of self-policing which questions people's identities or abilities to identify as part of that community because of actions which they do or do not take part in.
To explain further, I am considering actions here to be voluntary acts that are deemed "neccessary" by some in a community, which creates self-policing and exclusion. Take, for example, sexual acts. Everybody has their own preferences. Likes, dislikes. Things they will only do in a relationship, or things they need to get off. I want to stress that there is no right or wrong preferences, only individual needs.
A few months ago, I was involved with a straight couple. Things didn't work out because we didn't share enough sexual desires in common, and we ended up going our separate ways, which was fine, but a few months later, I read something on one of their fetlife accounts that I knew 100% was about me. It was about how my not doing an sexual activity made me not queer, and they called me out for being straight because I refused to take part in said sexual act. I was livid, obviously. Not only was my identity being called into question, and I was being accused of purporting myself to be something I had no right to be, but it was all because they felt that a sexual act defined my identity.
I could write these people off as being jerks, or not understanding the difference between a sexual orientation and desires and limits, but they're aren't alone. This is something I see all the time, a self-policing of communities which hurts not only that community, but also the individuals who are being called out for not toeing the line of the supposed "neccessities" of being a part of that community.
How silly do these sound (and yes, I've really heard/seen them said more than once):
No submissive has the right to say no! If you say no to something, you're not really submissive!
If you don't go down on a girl, you're not really a lesbian. (Insert oral sex act/ sexual orientation as you will).
Feminists don't shave their body hair! If you shave your body hair you are clearly not a feminist.
You can't really be into BDSM because you don't mix it with sexual activity, and BDSM is about sex.
How can you consider yourself polyamorous if you only have one partner? Polyamory means you have to have multiple partners so if you only have one you are not poly.
You don't look queer because you are too femme/straight looking.
Here's the deal. As I said before, there is no blanket list of things you need to take part in to consider yourself part of a community. There is no "Gay Male" law which states you have to partake in anal sex, and if you don't you're not gay. There is no "Straight female" law which says you must give men blowjobs, and if you don't you have no right to identify as straight. But all the same, there remains a culture of people putting their individual desires into a group context, and stating that if everyone doesn't play along and do the same things, they aren't really part of that group.
Actions are different than Identity.
Everyone has their own preferences and has the right to partake in, or not, as they choose.
No action has a basis in identity construction.
People should stop being shitty to other people and claiming that their own needs and desires trump other peoples or that they speak for a larger group need.
As long as you aren't hurting other people and you and your partner(s) are getting their needs fulfilled, you should let your freak flags fly.
