So, I know I'm not around much, have fallen into that realm of obscurity where people think they remember who I am, but they aren't sure, and why did they follow me again? Anyway, I just wanted to share something with someone, and figured the void that has become this blog would do.
At some point in the last month or so I managed to screw my finances up so bad that when I checked my account on Tuesday (after being told my card was declined for "insufficient funds"), I had a whole $92 to my name. Needless to say, I have been in a state of shock and dismay and utterly distraught the last few days. Trying, TRYING, to figure out where I fucked up, HOW I fucked up, and how I am possibly going to come out of this on top. Because, I'll be very honest, I am incredibly low right now and it's hard to see a way out.
Wednesday morning though, I woke up to a text message from my old work bestie who I haven't spoken to since December and miss terribly; along with a random goofy text from my university bestie; and finally one from @my-name-is-not-agent. None of the three knew of my issues, of how badly I needed someone, how hopeless I was feeling. Yet all three texted me and just seeing their texts made me feel a bit better. Later that day at work, one of the 1st shift guys who works in maintenance came up to me while I was on my forklift and set one 6in Ham and Cheese sub and one foot long Italian sub down on my truck and told me the sandwiches had gotten put out earlier for people to grab. Didn't say anything else, just turned and headed off to clock out for the day. I nearly started crying on my forklift. I'd only brought a little something for lunch and nothing for either of my breaks. Then all of the sudden Grant appeared with two sandwiches for me.
Today (Thursday), something similar happened. I was on my last break, had a bottle of ice tea in one hand and a cupcake in the other, trying to decide if I should spend the money on them, money that I really probably don't have. All of the sudden a pair of hands came into my vision, took both from me, and set them down with a package of pizza rolls. The guy who used to move trailers for me and be in charge of the truck lot, back when I was still on 1st shift freezer/cooler receiving, had come up and bought my stuff for me. Cue me nearly bursting into tears again (especially since he grabbed the last cupcake and bought that for me, too).
And on top of this, I was told today that company wide, everyone was getting a raise. Though no one would say how much because "numbers were still being crunched" but when I talked to a coworker who has family that works in corporate, he said it's going to be $3 for everyone. If that's the case, if that's true, I'll be making $20.39/hr. Which means...I'll have a way out. I just don't know how soon this raise is supposed to happen. I hope soon, because it is truly a terrifying place not knowing if I'll be able to make my next rent payment or where the money for food and gas is going to come from, if I have enough food stashed around my place to last me a week of lunches, at least. I can survive without breakfast or supper, but I need lunch at work.
I don't much believe in the teachings my Catholic upbringing taught, but I do believe in angels and Guardian Angels and I think I can safely say, mine has been doing overtime the last few days to keep me from getting too low, and help me keep my head above the dark and churning waters of my self-destructive thoughts.
Anyway...I just...wanted to put this out there, if nothing else so that I can come back to it and read it again when things start looking hopeless again.