“Hey,” Harry said softly, “are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” Draco replied. “I mean, I suppose I understand why you think I should move on from my past and not punish myself any more, but I don’t think you realise how hard it is to live with that kind of guilt every day. I messed up in the worst possible way, Harry. I was a bloody great idiot. There’s no way you could understand what it’s like to know that your actions, your stupid choices, have meant that good people got hurt. I didn’t feel it at the time, but I feel it now. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”
Harry turned towards him. “Seriously? You think I’ve never made a mistake that’s got people hurt? Draco, I am very far from being perfect. God, if it wasn’t for me and my stupid hot-headedness, I reckon my godfather Sirius would still be alive. If I had been sensible and just gone to the Order, instead of thinking I was above it all and rushed off on my own… Draco, you have no idea of the amount of times I have fucked up. You have no idea of the amount of times my arrogance has led me down the wrong path. Take Snape for example – I was convinced that he was on Riddle’s side, just because he didn’t like me. I was prejudiced, and I should have just trusted those who were older and wiser than me. But I didn’t. I more or less did to him what the kids here are doing to you now. See, you talk about the mistakes you made, but you made them because you were brought up to believe certain things. Yes, you were arrogant and ignorant, but so was I! Most kids are, Draco!”
“I know,” Draco sighed. “I know all that. I know that we all make mistakes. But the fact remains that you are the hero of this piece. You may not be perfect, but you have saved our world and you have done so much good. What the hell have I done? I’m still running away; I’m still a coward. I haven’t done anything to really make up for my past – I just skulk around in a library, being hostile to everyone. I don’t deserve to be treated well, and I… I can’t see why someone like you or McGonagall or… or anyone, would want to have anything to do with me.”
Harry made a loud noise of frustration. “Draco, for Merlin’s sake! Do you really have no idea of how amazing you are? How can you say that you’re a coward? What, you think you need to make a big, grand gesture to compensate for your past? Save a baby from a burning building, that kind of thing? Draco, it is so bloody easy to make a big, grand gesture. You do something dramatic and attention-grabbing and yeah, the public might lap it up. But what does it really mean? It’s the easy way out. And you know what? If there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the years, it’s that the public are bloody fickle. No, it’s easy to make the grand gesture. The hard thing is to just get on with your live. Simple, boring, unrewarding life. That’s what you’ve done, Draco! You know, all the Death Eaters who aren’t dead or in prison right now are in hiding or exiled. You are the only person brave enough to come back. And you haven’t made a big deal about it – you’ve just exercised your right to get on with your life and do what gives you contentment; you have proven to everyone that it is possible to change and start over. You should be bloody proud of yourself! And I know that you’ve been made to suffer for your courage, but it’s a bloody injustice, if you ask me. And I know that you’ve been turned away by people, but they were all bloody idiots. Do you know how fucking lucky someone would be to have you?”
“Oh really?” Draco said heavily. “Like who? It’s all very well to talk about my courage, but who in their right mind is actually going to stand up and say that they want to be with me?”
“Well… me, Draco!” Harry cried out. “Me!”
They stared at each other in silence. Harry looked distinctly shaken, and he was panting for breath. He was looking at Draco almost as if he expected to be shouted at.
At last, Draco found his voice. “What?”
Harry ran his fingers through his hair and looked away. “God, isn’t it bloody obvious? Draco… I think you’re magnificent. I’m bloody crazy about you. And I tried not to be, because I didn’t think you’d want anything to happen. I didn’t think there was a chance that you could be attracted to me, and I didn’t want to mess up our friendship, but… oh Merlin, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say anything. I just… I can’t help it. Do you know you were part of the reason I came back here? I’d been thinking about you so much over the years. I know it’s stupid with our history, but my mind kept being drawn back to you. I’d wonder where you were, how you were doing. I used to hope that you’d managed to turn things around. I… I really wanted to meet you again. And then I was toying with the idea of coming back to teach but I hadn’t decided for sure, when Hagrid mentioned that you were working here, and that clinched it. And when I saw you that morning in the library, and you were even more beautiful than I remembered you being… And we got to know each other, and you were so smart, and you were so brave… Oh God, I’m so sorry. I really didn’t want to say anything. It’s just… Draco, there are times when I’m so sure that you feel something for me as well. You’ll look at me or say something, and I’ll be so sure, and I’ve almost said something so many times, but I’ve always chickened out at the last minute, because I get overcome by doubt. And I’m so sorry if I’ve ruined out friendship by telling you this, but I can’t just ignore it any longer. Draco, please tell me if I have the slightest chance with you.”
The two men stared at each other. Draco couldn’t quite process what he had just heard. Harry Potter wanted him? Harry had come back to the school to see him again, and had had feelings for him ever since? It didn’t make any sense! Harry could have anyone he wanted! Why the hell would he want to be with someone like Draco?
“Harry,” he said at last, “I don’t think you know what you’re saying. You can’t want to be with me. I mean… don’t you know what it would do to your reputation? You, of all people, cannot get involved with a former Death Eater. Besides, you could have anyone you want! You are the best person I have ever known, and you are so far out of my league it’s not even funny. You and I could never be together – you know that.” Draco felt slightly dizzy. This kind of thing just didn’t happen in real life.
“That doesn’t answer my question,” Harry said quietly, looking out over the lake to avoid Draco’s eyes. “You still haven’t said whether you have feelings for me as well.”
Draco really needed to sit down. He wanted to tell Harry that yes, as much as he had tried to deny it, he did have feelings for him. He wanted to say that Harry had made him believe that the world wasn’t a bad place after all, that he had restored Draco’s faith in humanity. He wanted to hold the other man and be held back. He wanted to fall with Harry into oblivion, to forget the world together. He wanted to tell Harry everything, but somehow the words froze in his throat. He didn’t have that kind of courage, and there was still that sense of who they both were nagging at him. Harry couldn’t have thought this through. Draco could never make him happy, and if they acted on their feelings it would only make things worse for them.
“Harry,” he whispered, “this is madness. You don’t want me; you can’t want me. I’m no good – you know that. I could never make you happy.”
“I’ll take that as a no, then,” Harry said, his voice pained. “Look, I’m sorry I said anything. Just forget it, okay?” He turned and started to walk away quickly, his arms wrapped around himself.
“Harry,” Draco tried to call after him, but all that came out was a whisper. He could only stand there, frozen to the spot, watching the man he wanted walk away from him into the night.
— Dukedom Large Enough by Alysian_Fields
