AIO - My wife repeatedly lets our Border Collie lunge at people
My wife and I have an over eager border collie who is medium-large. He has a habit of jumping on people and otherwise bothering them for attention. When he interacts with dogs, he will wag his tail till he’s close, and then it’s not uncommon for him to bark and lunge aggressively to assert dominance.
There have been two incidents recently when we were taking a walk and he startled other dog walkers while my wife was holding him. One time, she said that she thought he could play with the other dog so she tried letting him get close. When he got close, he barked and lunged for the other dog who is much smaller, which really startled the other dog owner. No one was hurt thankfully, and I 99% believe that he is very friendly and wouldn’t actually hurt anyone, but I also believe that any risk is not acceptable, and even the appearance of risk that makes other people nervous is unacceptable. When this happened, we had an argument because I said she needs to be more careful restraining him and that she should not trust him to “play”. At this point, she tried to say that she didn’t think he would act that way, and she tried to stop him as soon as she could, and then said that he didn’t even touch the other dog anyways. I pointed out that we have had him for 2 years already and that this is not surprising behavior, and I also pointed out that the interaction was not acceptable and that we need to agree that kind of interaction is not something that should be happening.
Today, we were on another walk. She was holding the border collie again and more small dogs walked by. First, I had to even point out that other dogs were nearly on us even though you could see them coming far off. She took our border collie a little bit off the sidewalk, about far enough that he was at the edge of the sidewalk and the other dogs were on the other side of the sidewalk, and he barked and tried to run to them and was almost right next to them by the time he was under control. Once the dogs were past, I voiced my frustration and said that these incidents can’t keep happening. She got defensive, said she was already trying the best she could to restrain him, and he overpowered her for a little, oh and also he didn’t actually reach the other dogs… I pointed out that she should have an idea of how to control her dog after 2 years, including an idea of how strong he is. She refused to offer any kind of apology for our dog startling someone again, and instead insisted I must apologize for not believing that she did her best to restrain him.
My complaint is that again this should not be a surprise to her. She knows, or should know, how strong he is. If she is not strong enough to prevent him from moving towards someone, there are other steps she can take, such as moving towards the other side of the street, standing between our dog and the other walkers, give him to me, or proactively get his attention and get him under control instead of hoping she can match his tugging. I also have an issue because in the past she has had a habit of downplaying how serious we need to take controlling our dogs. The other incident I described, it was hard to even get her to agree to no more trying to let him “play” and to agree that that kind of thing can’t happen.
The fight devolved into her demanding an apology from me instead for: not believing her that she was taking it seriously, not asking her if she was okay (she gave no sign of injury at all, just brought this up later while fighting).
I tried multiple times to talk with her about is an find a common ground where she can understand why I was upset even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with it, and accept some level of responsibility for repeatedly letting our dog scare other people, and I can understand that in that moment she still might have been genuinely surprised by what happened, even if I don’t think she should have been. While trying to talk that through, she realized she wasn’t going to control the whole argument the way she wanted to and said fuck you multiple times and I fucking hate you.
And one last detail, we were the victims of a dog attack just 1 year ago from a pitbull in our neighborhood from irresponsible dog owners that had a clearly insecure fence holding in their pitbull. The pitbull rushed and attacked and could have killed our bichon.
Reddit consensus: NOT OVERREACTING (NOR) (92% confidence)
Top comment: “NOR, that's a ticking time bomb and your wife is being completely oversensitive and frankly stupid about this. That dog needs obedience lessons before 'lunging for dominance' turns into a full blown attack and thr dog has to be put down and you and your wife get the absolute shit sued out of you both.”
Notable comment: “NOR and she has the exact mentality of someone who should never own a dog. She’s tooo defensive and unrealistic about her dog’s capabilities.
If she can’t control him, she shouldn’t have him. If she refuses to take even super easy and basic precautions like the ones you suggested, she shouldn’t have him. Period.
It’s REALLY concerning too that she defaults to guilt trips and victim playing when you try to have a reasonable discussion with her. Ask her if she’s ok? Be so fucking for real.
She doesn’t see a problem with his behavior and that’s exactly why he’s so poorly behaved.
Since she’s the type of person who will play the mortally wounded victim when attempting to have a normal adult conversation about accountability and risk reduction with her, I realize that that rehoming him (to someone who is capable and willing to handle a large breed dog, which isn’t her) is out of the question, for shurlye the ladye shalt whithyr to deth *melodramatic hand to forehead*
…So I think you’re probably stuck training him yourself, and buying leashes and harnesses that help with pulling. Telling her to be accountable, after watching her fail to do so again and again for 2 years, mirrors a little too closely her own failing to acknowledge behavior she has watched and should know for the past 2 years. 🫢
You know she can’t handle this discussion (or her dog…) so ONE of you HAS TO step up to the plate. It is not acceptable to let the dog terrorize people anymore, which you at least recognize while she refuses to. If she doesn’t like it, then give her the option of taking the dog to training. But don’t leave this an open-ended problem for her to, in one fell swoop, admit is a problem and take steps to stop AND come up with a plan. She will not do any of it. Giving her a couple limited options is an old trick to use on the chronically indecisive, and also toddlers; use it.
*> “The fight devolved into her demanding an apology from me instead for: not believing her that she was taking it seriously, not asking her if she was okay”*
Yeah no this is bonkers. She is quite literally asking you to give her permission to A. Not change and B. Blame you. Apologize at your own risk if you want to reinforce this bad behavior.”
Do you agree with Reddit’s consensus?
Voting ended onAug 15
Originally shared by Ok-Start-8491 on r/AmIOverreacting on August 8th, 2026 at 4:01 AM UTC. Credit to u/Lord_Capricus and u/Andromeda081 for the quoted comments.
