#amwritingprose

[wayfaringauthorofficial]

Maybe I was wrong to believe that he could save me. With eyes glistening like stars and a smile that broke the hearts of every girl in town, he sauntered in and out of my mind freely.

-excerpt from a book I'll never write #2.

[thesuperpumpcam]

A Former Student.

The other day, I heard some of the most exciting news that I’ve heard in a while. One of my former students is graduating! He worked so hard to get his GED. Now, he’s done it! He’s moving on with his life. He’s accomplished his goals. It made me so happy to hear that.

This student was one of the most dedicated people I have ever worked with. He would work all night, then, show up for tutoring the next day without any sleep. He hardly missed any sessions. Even when he wasn’t my student, we still talked every time I was on campus. I always knew that he would be able to pass. Even if he doubted himself, I knew that he could do it.

I tutored him for math. That’s kind of funny though since I hate math and I’m not that good at it (there is another story about me tutoring a math group if you all would like to read it). However, we worked through it. I learned how to become a better math tutor because of him. I never did get the chance to thank him for that though. Anyway, when he did get into GED classes, he would always boast about me to his teachers. That always made me tear up. In a good way though. He would say in the proudest voice, “He got me to where I am today in math.”

Now, he’s moving on with his life. He has taken a job that he is really excited for. I couldn’t be happier or more proud of him. It’s truly amazing.

Why am I saying all of this? Well, I want everyone to know that you can get an education. Even if you don’t think your “smart” enough. Even if you’ve been told that “dropping out is an option” (that’s what happened to me). You CAN do it. You ARE smart enough. It doesn’t even have to be a formal education. You could just be trying to learn something new. Like a new language or a new hobby. You CAN do it. I believe in you. You are all amazing.

[irlloveletters]

Fires smoulder, embers glow, and dim. Turning cold, turning to ash. Premature aging. Not old by any stretch but god, feeling it. So coddled that the first real knock is staggering, scattering. Keeping warm with the wrong memories; cold comfort. When is summer coming home.

IRL Love Letters

[wayfaringauthorofficial]

An open letter to anyone who feels broken.

You have made so many mistakes that there was no way to keep it all together anymore. You couldn’t help but change everything about yourself just to keep everyone around you happy. You obeyed your friends, your family, because that was how you were raised. For as long as you can remember, your family and your friends have told you that if you didn’t become *that* girl, the one who laughs and smiles at just the right time and wears the right clothes, has the right body, that no one would accept you. People taught you who you were supposed to be, making sure their harsh lessons stuck in your mind much longer than calculus or biology.

In the cafeteria at seventeen, you stared down at the sandwich you had made the night before and felt as vulnerable as the plastic wrapped around it. Everyone could see what was going on with you, because you were too tired to wear your mask and hold your head high. You were too broken and drained from living the life that was expected of you that you forgot to use the harsh lessons that were forced upon you for years, and you had never felt more guilty than you did in that moment.

Then, something changed. Boys looked into your eyes and promised that you didn’t have to pretend for them. People you grew to love helped you up when you collapsed, offered a shoulder for you to cry on. They wrapped your wounds and kissed your scars instead of judging them like all the others, their gazes filled with love and worry. The hatred and annoyance was saved for the ones who broke you, who refused to acknowledge the treacherous ocean you were drowning in. You were able to find a sanctuary in the prison the ones you had been forced to respect built for you. You finally had a way to feel free, but still the chains and cages remained locked.

It was too painful for you to reveal everything about yourself to the world. Your past had destroyed you too much. Didn’t someone you once trusted tell you that nobody cared about your problems, anyway? Weren’t you raised to believe that your trauma wasn’t real, that everyone else had it worse specifically because of the side of town you were from and the life you had been handed?

They don’t tell you this when you need to hear it, but pain doesn’t discriminate. Everyone who walks this Earth will break, sometime and somehow. Maybe some will break more than others, and that’s okay. It’s what you take from that pain that makes you better. What if I gave up the first time my heart had broken? I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have met him. I wouldn’t have learned to love again, after being bruised and destroyed by so many people I thought I could trust. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I had just decided no one cared. I would be gone. How would I make a difference in the world if I died?

Everyone breaks and everyone does what they can to get through it. I may not always choose the healthiest road, but I learn from that. I do what I need to do to sort out the darkness in my head and shine at least a small sliver of sun through the cracks. Sometimes, tearing myself apart from the inside out is the only way to get past the sense of drowning I feel inside. I imagine everyone daydreams of hitting their self-destruct button at least a few times in their life. Aren’t we all human? Don’t we all go down dark paths? Who’s to say that someone can’t feel pain when we were made to hurt and grow?

Do what you can to keep going. You will break, so find something good in it. Say you’ll make it through. Say you’ll be strong. Say you’ll hold on for just one more day. Say anything you need to convince yourself that everything will be okay. Everyone deserves to live.

8.7.20. ach.

[wayfaringauthorofficial]

There was something about the way you looked at me. Colors started to shine brighter. I noticed the tiny details, from the color in the wings of a passing bird to the joy in his voice when he told that one story. You did that. you helped me to remember how my life was before everything went wrong. You are my sliver of joy in a world of war. Don't run, for heaven's sake. Stay here, with me. I have waited my entire life to feel this way, and now that I've gotten to this point, I don't want the joy to go away. I remember what I saw before you. There was darkness, chills, and terror. I don't want to fall back into that type of spiral, because right here with you is where I know I need to be. Your hand feels so right in mine that I don't want anyone's to replace it. The hand that is meant to rest in that spot is yours.  Maybe we knew it was going to end up this way, with the two of us together, two happy little dolls inches away from one another in the darkness, ready to jump to see what was over the ledge. It doesn't matter if that jump means terror, or flames, or destruction. Together, we can do anything. Please, tell me you believe that, too.

Something. 7.1.19. ach.

[wayfaringauthorofficial]

Little girl, this world will do what it can to destroy you. Your enemies will be born from the girls and boys you thought were your best friends. They will turn around one day and slap you in the face, except their palm will be the heaviest stone that knocks you off your feet and steals the breath from your lungs.  - Little girl, this boy does not love you. He only wants you to think he does, wants you to believe he will keep his promises. He tells you the two of you have forever, but he has been plotting his escape since the second he laid eyes on you. You have different dreams and you want different things. You don't even like boys that much, anyhow. Don't get caught up in the pain he will try to drown you in. With her, you will find joy. - Little girl, she will stitch you back together. You will find a new meaning of life in her arms. Though they may be far, you will come to see that you will do anything just to rest in them again. She will remind you of the beauties of waking up to a new day, of whipping your phone out just to hear her voice and see her face. As you slip that ring onto your finger, close your eyes and remind yourself the true meaning of joy and the feelings that flooded your chest as she promised you forever, through thick and thin, because that is what the one you love should do for you.  - Little girl, the things your enemies said will haunt you for the rest of your life. It will hurt, but you cannot let it end you. You cannot let it be all that you are, all that you will become. It will come up, in the middle of the night, when you're drunk and slumped on the kitchen floor with your phone in your hand. That voice in your head will beg 'Call him. Call him. Call him.' Sweetheart, don't you dare. He is not worth breaking your heart again. He destroyed you, and yet you want closure? You still want to hear his voice? Do not allow yourself to remember what it felt like to drown in the ocean he threw you into, surrounded by sharks who haven't been fed in days. - Little girl, surround yourself with kind girls and funny boys who keep promises. It may take some time, but he will text you and make that promise. He will swear to stay by your side and support you through thick and thin. You will have your ups and downs, but those bad days will come and go. He will figure it out, and together, you will stitch your wounds and his back together. Somehow, someway, you will be alright. Just not tonight. - Little girl, always remember that you deserve to be happy. Don't let those monsters tell you otherwise. Don't fall for their games. It's those fake boys and smirking girls that will tear you apart.

Little girl. A message to my younger self. 3.25.19. ach.

[wayfaringauthorofficial]

Roses were the first gift I gave you. Bright red, sweet like your lips. They remind me of you. Every time I see them, you appear in my head. You're smiling. Always smiling. My initial dangles from your neck. A constant reminder that you are mine and I am yours.

Rosey daydreams. 4.29.19. ach.

[irlloveletters]

Gently, gently, the constellations align. We bask in the moonshine. We are made of magic, casting shadows at midnight reading the maps in the sky. Then gently, gently, the constellations don't align. The stars slip, but we still need to find our way. It's etched on my retinas, but fading, fading. We can remember, we can find our way.

IRL Love Letters