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[askamydaily]

Transgender pregnancy roils family

Dear Amy: I’m a proud mother to my gay son who lives across the country. We love him unconditionally. My son married his partner, “John.” They have been together for several years.

Recently, my son came to his father and me with shocking news that my family is still reeling from. John is a trans man who has had “top surgery,” and is actually three months pregnant.

John is going to keep living as a man, even during the pregnancy, which they told us was planned.

We’ve met John many times, have spent holidays with him, and neither he nor my son had given any indication that John was born a woman.

When we told our other children, my daughter, who has three young children, decided she would no longer have contact with them. She did not want to confuse her kids, and was worried about the unborn baby’s future.

My other son said he was “disgusted” by the situation, and won’t have contact.

My husband and I feel hurt, misled, and are confused, but really want to focus on getting everyone to move past this and to accept them.

No one will participate in any sort of therapy, and I worry that the family will never recover.

How can I bring everyone together?

— Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned: In researching your question, I have read several stories about transgender males who have successfully given birth. This issue seems at the vanguard of the new gender and family structures we are all encountering, and I assume this will become more common in the future.

Regarding your own family, you have no option but to let your other adult children make choices concerning their relationship with their brother, his husband and their child.

I agree that it would have been a kindness for them to be brave enough to give you a heads up concerning John being a trans male. (However, given the reaction of your son’s siblings, I can see why they didn’t.)

You should tell both of them how you feel about their choice to keep this information from you.

Then you should turn your attention toward the baby. This baby is coming into your family in a highly unusual way, but babies arrive in families in all sorts of ways, and of course you will love and cherish this child as you do your other grandchildren. That’s the best you can do, and it’s all you need to do. You can’t make this situation right for everyone else, and so you should make it right for you and the child.

[askamydaily]

Disappointed Dem wants feelings validated

Amy Dickinson

February 16, 2017

Dear Amy: I appreciate your straightforward advice. For years I’ve had a good, respectful relationship with my in-laws. We see each other regularly, despite being on the opposite ends of the political spectrum.

However, this election changed all of that. I can’t get over that they supported a candidate whose actions directly impact me (and hence my family), in a negative way.

They have not acknowledged how drastically things changed for me since the election, yet they continue to carry on like nothing happened. How do I move past this?

— Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: Did you offer an acknowledgment to your in-laws when your candidate won the election eight years ago? You can assume that they were probably pretty disappointed, but (I assume) you expected them to cope with their disappointment without a special acknowledgment from you.

We are currently experiencing a period of extreme political and cultural challenges. But the way for you to move past this is to buck up, get busy, let your anger turn toward advocacy and simply stop expecting people on the other side of the political spectrum to ever feel sorry for you.

My theory is that when you understand and accept this about your in-laws, you will be able to peacefully and respectfully wave at them from across the divide.

Remember this feeling, and … come the revolution, be kind.

[askamydaily]

Grannie’s snooping reveals secret stash

By Amy Dickinson

February 15, 2017

Dear Amy: I was snooping in my son’s basement and discovered he is growing weed. Should I confront him? He could lose his job, house, reputation and shared custody of his daughter.

I am a nervous wreck thinking about how to approach him. My husband would have a stroke if he found out. I know I should do something, but what?

— Sad Mom

Dear Sad: Here’s what you should do: Stop snooping in your son’s basement.

Unless he has a sophisticated commercial marijuana ranch down there, you should assume this is for his own use, and leave it alone.

If you absolutely cannot stand it and must confront him about this, you will have to tell him the truth about your own behavior. One natural consequence of your admission would be for him to stop trusting you.

If you are ready to make this sacrifice, you should only urge him not to expose his child to his marijuana growing and weed use. Obviously, if you found this in the basement, so could she, and this would put his daughter in an even worse position than you are in, because involving her in this sort of secret could be ruinous for their relationship, and disastrous down the line.

State laws regarding marijuana cultivation seem to be quite convoluted. If he doesn’t have a license to grow and is caught (by someone other than you) the consequences could be extreme in proportion to his crime.

[askamydaily]

Should bride invite or exclude her mother?

Dear Amy: My mother and I have a difficult relationship. She has some serious mental issues. She has seen a few psychologists throughout her life, but once the therapy starts to bring up things my mother does not like or agree with, she calls them crazy and quits.

She has done a lot of things to hurt me and my siblings, and as hard as we work to build some sort of relationship, she works just as hard to tear it down.

I will be getting married next year. I do not want to invite her.

My sister got married last year and our mother’s behavior was unreasonable. A week before the wedding she cussed her out and told her that marriage is horrible and that all men cheat.

The morning of the wedding she kept calling my sister and the wedding planner. She tried to make it all about her. When the bride and groom visited tables during the reception, our mother turned her head away and ignored my sister. She left a couple of hours later without telling anyone.

She pushes people away with her erratic behavior.

I feel guilty that I don’t have a relationship with her, but I have been hurt in the past, so I no longer trust her.

My fiance suggested that we explain to her why we don’t feel comfortable inviting her, and then create a time where we can visit her a couple weeks after the wedding.

I don’t know what to do. Should I invite her and suck it up, even though she will probably make me angry/sad on my wedding day?

— At a Loss

Dear At a Loss: If you want to sever whatever remaining shred of a relationship you might have with your mother, then don’t invite her to your wedding.

However, I think you should consider inviting her, but then not let her make you angry/sad.

Expect her to say or do hurtful, thoughtless or unkind things. Understand that her punishing tendency is to try to create drama. Don’t engage. This form of loving detachment might get her angry enough in advance of your wedding that she will refuse to attend. That’s on her.

Your mantra should be, “I wish things could be magical and perfect, but that’s not the family I landed in. My family is flawed, my mother has problems, and yet — it is what it is.” Try to serenely anchor to your own joy, hold hands with your beloved and start your life together with your eyes open and facing your challenges together.

Ask your sister to help you run interference on the day

[askamydaily]

Politics can make strange bedfellows: What if you don’t agree?

By Amy Dickinson

October 16, 2016

Dear Amy: My husband and I are in our early 30s. We have been married for three years. We come from very different backgrounds: I grew up in a large liberal city, and he grew up in a smaller conservative farming community.

We communicate decently, and overall are happy, except when current events or politics come up.

He’s a veteran, and leans toward conservative views. I’m the opposite.

Politics and social issues are the only subjects we can’t discuss without becoming angry and yelling at each other.

There are moments where I end up thinking, “How is it even possible I’m married to someone with that kind of view?”

In today’s political climate, these fights are happening more often. We just cannot seem to talk/debate like calm people. Our discussions start out calmly, but escalate. We’ve attempted to bar political talk completely from the house, as we know what it does to us, but the conversations are inevitable as elections draw closer.

How can you live and love peacefully with a spouse whose political and social views are so totally opposite of yours? Is there hope for a future for us? There are days where I cannot stand him, knowing where he stands on certain things.

— Left Out Liberal

Dear Left Out: I never imagined it would come to this, but I do now believe that, if maintaining a peaceful relationship is a core value for you, you should completely avoid discussing politics until after the election.

My (naive) assumption before this election season was that loving relationships would naturally take precedence to political points of view.

Now I feel like this: The less discussion between political opposites, the better, because both sides seem to be conducting a version of trench warfare.

Opposing warriors may emerge to peacefully play a (metaphorical) game of battlefield soccer, but beyond a brief respite, minds will not be changed. And because positions will not shift, if you want to maintain that rosy and peaceful attitude toward your spouse, the less you actually know about the particulars of his political beliefs, the better.

Wait until after the election to see how you and your husband behave and relate to one another, before you make any big decisions.

I’d love to hear practical solutions from others.

[askamydaily]

How to respond to childless friends when you’re pregnant:

By Amy Dickinson

30 September, 2016

Dear Amy: I'm pregnant and am lucky to have several supportive friends.

Some of these friends are unable to have children of their own for various reasons: One of my best friends is gay, one is unable to have children for medical reasons and some have been trying, but are unable to have children.

Having previously had a miscarriage, I understand that it can sometimes be hurtful to see other people having children when one can't (or thinks they may not be able to).

Is there anything I can do or say to express my sympathy? How can I let them know that I'd welcome them to be a part of my child's life? (Saying, "Please feel free to borrow my baby" seems more like a selfish request for baby-sitting.)

Any suggestions?

-- Expectant

Dear Expectant: First of all, gay women and men can bear children. So, at least in the case of that particular friend, you could assume that if they wanted to have a baby, they would.

People who have been through the pain of miscarriage or are struggling with ongoing fertility issues react to pregnancy along a wide spectrum: some remain goo-goo for babies, while others find it extremely painful to be around pregnancy and babies.

When someone has suffered a miscarriage, I do think it is helpful if you can say, "I went through that, too. And I'm so very sorry." Leave the door open if they want to cry, talk or ask questions.

Do not say, "You know, miscarriages are really common. Something like a quarter of all pregnancies end in miscarriage ... I had one myself and bounced right back!"

Years ago when my first pregnancy miscarried, I was shocked when some people acted like it was no big deal. Because it was, at least to me.

Make sure your friends who are struggling hear this from you: "I'm in your corner. You can be as involved or uninvolved in my pregnancy as you want to be. And once this child is born, I hope you'll help me to raise her."

Children benefit from the close and loving friendships of their parents. Parenting is much more fun when you're part of a tribe.

[askamydaily]

Adopted daughter gets burned by birth mom

Dear Amy: We adopted our daughter “Laura” as a newborn. She is now in college. Laura located her birth mother “Cassie” two years ago.

Cassie lives about 45 minutes from our home and is now married with children. Cassie emails Laura frequently. She asks about school, offers advice and always asks about her plans when she is home.

There is a familiar pattern in that Cassie contacts Laura by email before a school holiday and indicates that they can meet. Laura provides the dates she will be home, then hears nothing further until the date she is returning to school, at which time Cassie expresses regret that they did not meet.

Twice they have made plans and Cassie has canceled on the actual day, claiming she had a headache, no baby-sitter, etc. Laura is excited and then devastated when plans are canceled.

I sent Cassie an email last year and told her that this is causing Laura pain and anxiety. I asked her to please let me know whether she wishes to meet Laura, and if not, I would explain it to her myself as kindly as possible.

I offered to meet Cassie for a cup of coffee, and thanked her for allowing us to raise such a beautiful girl.

Cassie assured me that she wants to meet Laura.

I don’t know whether Cassie has her own issues, or is playing some kind of game. If this were another girl, I would tell Laura to block her from social media and move away from this relationship.

Please let me know what you would do in my place.

— Frustrated Mother

Dear Frustrated: In your place, I would do exactly as you have done.

An important component to parenting older children is to willingly turn over control of their lives to them. This is especially challenging when you see your child embroiled in a troubling relationship.

You cannot suggest that “Laura” give up on her quest to know her biological mother. You can, however, help her to manage her own anxiety, disappointment and heartbreak over this woman’s behavior.

It is possible that “Cassie” has not told her family about this adoption. She may set meetings as deadlines for herself to disclose this, and then chicken out when the date arrives and she hasn’t done so.

Let it lie, and let Laura talk to you about it when she needs to. I think it is best to do so without speculating about or judging Cassie’s behavior.

Your daughter is learning that what people do is more important than what they say. She may have to get burned a few more times before she decides to create her own boundary around this relationship.

[askamydaily]

When “eldercare” seems more like neglect:

By Amy Dickinson

2 August, 2016

Dear Amy: My husband’s grandmother “Jenny” is 94 and lives alone. Up until three years ago, her son was her main caregiver. When he passed away, her daughter offered to take her in, but she lives a few states away and Jenny wasn’t interested in moving. Currently her support system consists of a woman who comes once a month to clean, and weekly visits from either my mother-in-law or myself to drop off groceries and supplies.

She has friends from her church take her to doctor appointments. She uses a walker and cannot drive. Mentally she is still fairly alert, but her living situation isn’t pleasant because of her limited mobility and incontinence issues.

Caregivers have been arranged with her consent to help for a few hours a week, but she’ll cancel because she feels she cannot afford them, although she can.

Her daughter calls weekly to check in, but she can’t do much beyond that, because Jenny won’t agree to have help.

From our point of view, we have two choices: maintain the status quo with grocery deliveries and regular check-ins, or notify her doctors and perhaps social services, which would force her to accept additional help but would make us the bad guys and possibly alienate her.

— Worried

Dear Worried: “Dropping off groceries and supplies” once a week is not caregiving. It is neglect. You should be entering the house, going through the refrigerator for expired foods, helping to put things away and helping “Jenny” in lots of little and large ways while you are there.

The daughter who calls her 94-year-old mother once a week(!) should visit in person. If she can’t afford the trip, family members should assist. The family should gather as a group, along with a social worker, to discuss local programs and services available to her, such as Meals on Wheels. Your local Office on Aging can help you get started.

A family member should accompany her to doctor’s visits. If she doesn’t want you in the exam room, sit in the waiting room and ask to speak with the doctor. You simply have to be brave enough to have her be mad at you in order to assume some responsibility for her well-being.

Not knowing what to do is no excuse for doing so little. A concerned person can report a suspected case of elder abuse by contacting Adult Protective Services.