I was raised in a Christian home, with a large and very loving family. I grew up believing in God, but it wasn’t until I was 12 that it became more of a reality me. I started dealing with anxiety, which led to my doubt in the Lord. I only knew what I had been taught by my parents, and that wasn’t enough for me. I was confused as to why I never heard the Lord, or felt His presence for myself. I felt a void, but didn’t know what to do about, so I just went on with life, not giving my faith a priority. I lived like that for about 2 years, until I had to break up with a boy that I had given a year of my life to. It broke my heart. I suddenly had no one to turn to, and depression became a very real part of my life. I became emotionally dependent on another boy that was very fickle. I couldn’t find joy, so I settled for whatever temporary happiness I could find. I was very unstable and I started self-harming. My depression completely took over at this time, and I cut everyone out of my life. I hardly ever came out of my room, I barely ate and I stopped going to church. I was angry that God had allowed so much pain in my life. I cried out to Him every night and begged Him to take me away. I was at the very bottom. I thought about killing myself all the time, and almost did it on two separate occasions. My nightmares and anxiety attacks came every night. I lived like this for almost a year. My parents were at a loss at what to do for me and I had alienated all of my friends.
It was the end of Sophomore year, and I was exhausted with my lifestyle of loneliness and confinement. I wasn’t angry anymore, I was broken. I had nothing left. I cried out to the Lord, but with a completely different heart. I saw that nothing could save me, except Him. And I needed saving. He truly was my only hope, and He was enough. I started to accept His love (something I had never really done before) and let go of my guilt and shame. I saw that He had His hand on me through everything. He never let me go, even when I didn’t see Him. Even at 3 a.m., when I had a razor blade in hand, He was there. I didn’t understand why any of it was happening, or why He kept me alive, but I knew that He had a reason.
And then my mom got sick. She completely stopped functioning and lost grip of reality. Since everyone else in my house had to work, I stayed with her from the time I woke up till my dad got home each night. I prayed with her, read her scripture and encouraged her every day for at least 2 months. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to pray for the strength to lay down my life every day. I relied solely on the Lord, and He was faithful through it all. He gave me the words to speak when I was completely empty. He used my overcoming hopelessness to encourage her. It also brought my family closer together. We held each other up with love.
My mom slowly started recovering, and I couldn’t have been more thankful. After watching her suffer for so long, it was such a relief to see her laugh again. I saw life come back in to her eyes.
Throughout all of this, (due to my own lack of motivation/inclination to laziness) I really struggled staying caught up in school. It was a constant weight on me and I honestly didn’t know if I would be able to graduate, which led to more anxiety.
But I made it, and I am graduated.
I overcame by the grace of God, and that is my testimony.
Every trial and tribulation has brought me closer to Him. I have been unfaithful and completely unworthy of His love and grace, but He offers it freely.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
