#and personal shit

[stellarcoachman]

Man, I’ve been struggling writing the last few chapters and couldn’t figure out why. Something has just been bothering me, you know. Well I figured it out. Woke up from a dead fucking sleep at 4am with the realization that I’ve made a massive fucking plot hole.

The next few chapters should be safe from needing to be fixed, so the update schedule should continue, but damn it now I have to change some major plot points, because what I wrote doesn’t make any sense.

[wi-cked]

🌈💕🌻

[ughcas]

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[nocte-argentea]

I recorded the pride parade yesterday in hope of making another youtube video, but some personal stuff popped up at the end (plus a troll during the first few msps) and now idk if I wanna use it :/

[bubblegum-broadway-blog]

i had to post this on facebook bcs people wouldnt stop posting pics of me without my consent

hey, i have something important i need to say. if you have pictures of me, or pictures of anything or anybody with me in them, please, just blur out my face. edit a black bar over my face or something. Just please stop posting photos of me here. You dont realize how much one photo can ruin someones life. And its not just about cyberbullying. Every time i see someone post a photo of me, i look at my face and i feel as if ive been shot. Every time i see, i get worse inside. I feel like I'm not good enough for this world and that my face is just a stain that i can't get rid of no matter how hard i try. Those pictures show me and make me relive all the hate i had for myself, all the disgust i pushed into my own brain. I wasnt what i wanted to be. I hated myself so so much and each time i see those pictures, it just gets worse. I start to hate myself again and the cycle i tried so hard to break pulls me back in. I hear everybody, my mum, my sisters, my dad, everyone. I hear them tell me that i'm not what i think i am. They try to comfort me and all they do is add to the walls i build around myself each day. I hate compliments. i hate to be told that im doing great, or that im pretty or whatever. And i have my reasons. And i do not have to tell ANYONE what those reasons are, because if i did, it would break me. I try so hard each day to be what people want me to be. I wake up every morning after my mum bangs on my door for the fifth or sixth time and i think, "is it even worth it? Is this even worth it in the end?" I sleep all the time because its the only way to escape from all the hate i have for myself. In a dream, you dont have to put on a smile and chip away inside. In a dream, i dont hate myself as much. And i binge eat because i feel so tired, so deprived of nutrition all the time. And i prepare myself because i know sometime later ill eat less, starve myself, and i prepare so i dont feel so bad. And when i see a picture, when i see myself i get pulled back into those thoughts and emotions i try so hard to get away from. And every time you post a picture of me, you throw me into a pit i cant get out of. For me, its a losing battle and i get worse. I've been to therapy. I've heard all they have to say and all i can think of is 'are you done yet? youre just making it worse." and I feel so bad for making people worry. It's not your problem. It's not your job to fix me. Thats my job, and i fail at it. every time. I cant block out the feeling that in the end, when i die, nothing matters. Its all just shapes, colors, and words. Its all just shapes. and colors. and words. And all that i ask of you is please, dont put pictures of me on the internet. And if you do, blur out my face, cencor it. Because as soon as that picture pops into my sight, it pushes me closer to the point where i break. it hurts me, and yet i cant do anything. At this point, existence is pain to me. I have very little to keep going for. And as soon as the voice in my head tells me its time to let go, as soon as those things disappear, i know ill snap. Something inside my brain will take over, and i wont be in control. I know because ive seen it happen. Ive come so close to that point and im trying so hard to keep away from it. I know ill never have the life i want and i can never see myself living past highschool. Im only still here because you guys have held me back, and i thank you. Because im trying to recover. I really am. Just dont push me into killing myself or something. If it happens, it happens. Im not worried. If something happens to me, then its game over and ill be gone. thats the end of it. All that i ask is for you guys to make my time here a little less painful. Dont post pictures of me without my consent. please.

[amasheep]

just my second visit to a therapist, she already shut down my one choice i’ve been working up the courage to make for over a year, instead suggesting i should dive headfirst into bureaucracy hell. I was too stumped to even explain to her how shit that was. And she’s suggesting other therapies now. That i should go to this other guy to have a group therapy in this far away city i’d have to put fortune into train tickets to go there everyday. I tried explaining that i’m on a tight budget and i really don’t like spending money on bullshit because I feel scared about my mom overworking herself to death to pay for my health, then she just suggest  h o s p i t a l i s a t i o n

i’m having second thoughts on even attempting to fix my life, but then what else is there to do. i don’t want to do anything to myself, that would give my sister a lifelong trauma. but really, what the fuck am i supposed to do. my mom doesn’t even think i really need medicine, treats it as this “whatever makes you sleep better”. She doens’t even pay for this. I do. With my unearned miraculously obtained money. Which she doesn’t have. Yeah, sure she’s going to understand if i say i need to fuck myself onto a train everyday for the next 3 months and i need cash money for it

[defsouljaebum]

Seriously I think I stay on this sight because of nostalgia but it’s really disgusting nowadays to be on here, and I can understand why a lot of my previous friends left. Or went on a never ending hiatus. Ugh I hate complaining but I’ve sat back and watched the shit folks further along on here.