(This is crossposted on Ao3, so click this link if you prefer to read it there! Over there you'll find a more detailed conclusion/explanation in the end notes, but it's not neccessary to understand this fic. The Tags are mainly friendship, Angst and Hurt/Comfort; if you want to stay on tumblr you can find the fic underneath the cut)
Author's Notes: It's a little crazy that I'm already able to post this, but it felt like the fic wrote itself. (And more are maybe coming, depending on how much I have to do in the next weeks; Though I can't really say they're all that much happier, somehow all of them end up a little angsty and I don't know what to do against that)
I feel like I should put a disclaimer here that I obviously don't know any of them personally and also - seeing that the topic is quite a difficult one - never went through the same kind of questioning and fearing, simply because of different cultural and social backgrounds than I think someone in their situation would have gone through. (Read: I didn't grow up in a catholic bavarian household in the 90s/early 2000s)
And again the biggest thanks to my wonderful beta-reader @skijumpingf1
Oberstdorf, January 2025
Deep breaths. Breathe in, stop thinking for a moment. One, two, three. Breathe out. How is Stephan-
Stop thinking, Andreas thought to himself. Stephan is doing fine, you know that, idiot. He told you this morning.
Andreas took another breath. Will Stephan watch this competition? Probably not, it'd start around midnight for him. Though Andreas could use some encouragement. He could use some love right now, when everything seems to fall apart around him.
Normally, Stephan would anchor him into the present, would calm him down and tell him that his worries are irrational. But Stephan's not here, not part of the world cup team. The last time that happened was because of their injuries. But now no one is injured and no one knows why Stephan is suddenly doing so bad. (Andreas knows why. The safe world they grew up in is ripping at the seams, a bubble about to burst. Stephan just doesn't want to talk about it in the way Andreas himself does, but it affects him as well)
They are supposed to be professional, Andreas should start and act that way.
But how could he when he still feels the same anxiety his 18-year old self did, all those years ago. When he still tears up in the same way he did, back when he first told his team, before the Olympics in Sochi.
He remembers how much he worried about his team mates' reaction, even about landing in a russian prison. Sometimes, the fear still haunts him. Sometimes like right now. Arguably, not the best moment, when he should be preparing for ski flying and definitely not professional behaviour.
Slow breaths, Andreas. Calm down. There is no need to spiral right now. And definitely no need to panic . No one will know, unless he actually tells the public, tells everyone that he isn't straight – that's what Stephan always says to him. People are oftentimes too focused on their reality, their truths, that those who disapprove of gay relationships won't see him as gay. See them as gay, as partners, boyfriends. They will be known as colleagues, team mates, friends. But not as lovers.
Andreas hopes there is some truth behind Stephan's words. He doesn't need more negative attention than he already gets.
Whether it's the usual „What was up with that jump?“ or the classic „You had such a good preparation in summer, how do you explain your current performance?“ it doesn't help his situation. Because he knows why. He knows why he can't focus, why he doesn't jump on the same level he used to. But he won't be able to tell the press why. They won't like hearing that he fears the future, fears his rights being taken away, fears the Worldcup taking place in more and more countries who hate people like him.
It makes him feel so helpless.
Which really isn't the best feeling to have right before bolting down one of the steepest hills known to mankind. But alas, here he is.
He fixes his glasses one more time and Stefan lowers the flag.
Maybe the whistling of the wind will finally silence his thoughts. It's worth a try.
The inrun is incredibly loud, he doesn't even hear the thousands of fans down the hill.
The edge is coming closer and closer. He jumps.
The wind is pushing him downwards, right into the awaiting arms of gravity.
His jump is garbage.
Worse than in the first round.
Andreas is glad, Stephan isn't watching this right now.
He lands and just shakes his head in disbelief. He doesn't even know what he’s gonna tell the media later.
Maybe Sevi will already wait for him. It's horrible. Sevi's time worrying about him should be long gone, his performance shouldn't be something Sevi has to continue to justify. But he will. He is simply too good of a friend to talk badly about him.
„Germany had big hopes that you, as the vice-world champion, would recover from your little slump of form here in Oberstdorf.” Andreas just nodded along the introduction of the question. He had hoped that as well. And then Stephan was taken out of the team, more or less permanently at that, and he knew that this hope was really just a dream. „Is there an explanation as to why team Germany is currently so bad?“
He grimaced. „Well, I know that for me personally, there are a few little details that I need to work on. My position in the inrun was too high up, so that I couldn't really feel the edge.“ Look at him, talking about mistakes in his technique instead of missing Stephan. Very professional.
(Judging by Sevi's sceptical glance, he can see right through it)
„But as you already said, that is such a little mistake! Does that alone really make the difference between landing on the podium and barely making the second round?“ That's a mean question. Andreas closed his eyes for a second, really more blinking than anything else. He needed to collect his thoughts or he'll say something stupid.
„That’s really the way it goes sometimes. Especially nowadays, those little details do make the difference between place 1 and 30.“ Severin, you are a blessing. Andreas should really tell him that more often. „Although it feels very extreme this season, there is almost no midfield.“ Andreas just nodded along.
„Absolutely, though I can't really pinpoint what changed to make it seem like that.“, he agreed with Sevi.
„Are you in any way affected by all the discussions around the material, like stuff aside from just the hill?“, Severin asked. Andreas should take back what he has thought earlier. That question is definitely targeting Stephan. Sevi knows. Why does he need to ask again?
„Well, sure, these discussions, those which aren't directly related to ski jumping itself, can be very exhausting and in the current case, upsetting and frustrating.“ Andreas tried to keep it as vague as possible. „However, I wouldn't go that far and accuse anybody of cheating. Everybody tries to gain some sort of advantage above the other nations, and in the current situation it seems to work better for the austrians than for everybody else." That's good, he’s very professionally avoiding Severin's actual question. He can see a grin spreading on Sevi's face. He outplayed him. Ha, loser. Andreas always likes interviews with Severin, they are great.
„But what about the Slovenians? Do you think they are cheating, since three of them got disqualified in this competition but still one of them won?“, the Journalist asked, effectively ending their silent conversation.
„I wouldn’t go that far and call it cheating.“ Andreas answered truthfully. „Everyone knows that the Slovenians are really good at ski flying and everyone knows that they're willing to risk a lot with the sizing of their suits. A Slovenian disqualification isn't a new phenomenon. We've got the controls, and I trust them, if they make it through. And I mean, we just saw that even a Stefan Kraft isn't infallible".
„As we can see there seems to be understanding for one another in the Ski Jumping Family", the reporter concluded, „Thank you for the interview, Andi Wellinger".
„Thank you", he responded.
Sevi was smiling in his direction, but that was just for the camera. He could see his question in his eyes. Andreas should get going.
He turned around to finally go away, as the woman next to him started shuffling in her notes. He already exited the booth when he heard Severin calling out his name. „Andi!“
He paused, „What?“. Andreas felt like he was shrinking. His whole posture collapsed. He felt like the boy again, who confessed his biggest secrets to Severin, simply because he needed support on the road.
Severin was smiling at him, eyes crinkling in concern. „We’re meeting up for dinner, right?“
Or, if Andreas may translate, 《I'm staying in the same hotel as you are, so come to me, and tell me what's going on. I'm worried about you》
„Yeah, sure. See you there.“ Andreas answered and turned around. He hoped Sevi got the hint that, maybe, he'll think about telling him. Not definitely agreeing, but also not declining. His answer is rather a plea for more time.
---
It was quiet when they ate dinner. Nobody really said a word, or asked a question which required more than a vague noise of agreement. Severin was clearly bothered by it, Andreas could tell. He has always been keen on talking everything out.
His phone beeped. Stephan? No, he should be sleeping.
It wasn't Stephan.
《How about we go for a drink in Willingen next week, you look like you need a hug》
Wanki !
《Shouldn't you be sleeping as well? But yeah, that sounds nice 》 Andreas answered.
《Shouldn’t you be celebrating podiums?》First of all, rude. But before Andreas could even be angry, he received another message. 《I'm too jetlagged, so no, I'm not sleeping. You wanna talk about it?》
《I'll tell you next week, please just tell me that Stephan's taking this better than I do. Also, I think Sevi will be disappointed if I don't talk to him tonight; and who am I to bear Severin's disappointment?》he let his friend know.
《That's good, please talk to someone! And I do think Stephan takes the decision way better than you do, so no worries here.》
《He doesn't want to take somebody else's place, right? He’s just too good for this world, tell him, I love him》
《Tell him yourself, he is your boyfriend, not mine》Meanie. 《Good night, try to get some sleep tonight》
《Says the right one, go to sleep. I don't want you to fall down the coaching tower :P》
„Andreas?“, his coach looked at him expectantly.
„What?“, he asked confused. „Sorry, I needed to respond to that.“ Using his phone while the others were eating (he should be too) was really impolite. Still, his coach's expression softened.
„Was it Stephan? Shouldn't he be asleep by now?“
„No, it was Wanki. But I'm not sure if that makes it any better“, Andreas shrugged.
His coach just shook his head in disbelief.
Andreas grinned and picked up his fork again.
„I'd like to ask you to finally tell me what's bothering you", Severin started as he sat down next to Andreas. „But you seem a little happier since you texted Wanki".
„I'm not, exactly. But I feel a little lighter just knowing that I will – eventually – talk about it.“ Andreas tried to shrug it off. „Though I promised him that I'd talk to you tonight.“
„Well, then, go ahead. I'm listening"
Andreas found that actually saying all the right words was harder than he wanted them to be. Deep breaths, Andreas, deep breaths. He had a lump in his throat just thinking about it.
„You remember the night I first came out to you all, right?“, he finally began. Severin just nodded, frowning a little in confusion. „I was so afraid back then, afraid of what you guys might think and afraid of what could happen if the wrong people hear about it, because, you know, it was forbidden during the Olympics in Sochi. I wasn't allowed to be myself, even if no one knew about who I truly was. I hated that I was gay, had been even way before that, and I hated that I couldn't fully concentrate on jumping because I could never change that part about me, so the fear of being discovered would always stay.“ He rambled.
He still feels so much like the boy he was that night, and that is his problem.
„I don't think I ever really coped with that fear, I've always been afraid of that part of myself, no matter how much good stuff happens.“ He let out a breath. And another one. And another one. He doesn't even know when he breathed in for the last time.
He heard his blood pumping through his veins, felt his hands shake, saw his vision blurring with tears. The lump in his throat made swallowing hard, he felt like vomiting.
Sevi's hand was on his shoulder, embracing him in a side hug. If Andreas forced himself to listen through the blood roaring in his ears, he could hear the soothing sound of Severin's voice.
„I hate it", he gasped.
„Shhh, it's alright", Severin tried to calm him down. „What do you hate?“
„I hate that-", he forced another breath into his lungs, „that I’m still the same, after all these years.“
„Yes, you are.“ Severin agreed with him. Not exactly what Andreas needed right now. „You are still one the most open-hearted, most loving people I know. That hasn't changed, you're right.“
„Thank you for the compliment", Andreas grinned through his tears. „But I hate that I still have the same fears and the same reactions to when one of them comes true – or even if it just might come true"
„What do you fear, then? What do you think will happen?”
„It's just with everything that happens right now-", Andreas tried to find the right words. „You know, I think we as a society really made some big steps forward in the last couple of years. And I became so optimistic about it and finally ripped the metaphorical bandaid over the fear of coming out, of my sexuality off. And you know, I became very happy, finally confessed my feelings for Stephan and so on. I finally felt like I was living in a safe world. But now that safety, the security, seems like it will be torn away from me again.“
„I don't think I can quite follow", Severin admitted. Andreas chuckled.
„Politics, Sevi. I'm talking about the shitshow that is our current politics "
„Oh", was all he could say to that. „Which-", he paused. „Which party do you fear most?“
„Are you really asking that? Shouldn't it be obvious?“ Normally Severin wasn't this dense. He knows, or he should know at the very least. „The Firewall is crumbling, and everything more to the right from that wants to ban same-sex marriage again.“
Andreas took a breath. He could feel the cold creeping into him, but the crisp air helped a little to calm him down. The stars sparkled above him. „I want to marry Stephan one day, Sevi"
„I know, and you should.“ Severin agreed. Andreas could feel he wanted to say more. „I wish I could tell you that I get it, that I understand what you are saying, but I don't want to presume that. I didn't experience what you did, both your fears and the joys. But I will tell you, that I'm always there if you need a shoulder to cry on. And that I’ll obviously try to stop your fears from becoming the reality, but in my mind, voting for democratic parties really is more common sense than anything else.“
„Thank you, Sevi.“ Andreas smiled sadly. „I appreciate it".
If any of the german speaking folks out here haven´t heard of it yet: There is a new wintersports podcast called Hicezeit where they are inviting athletes.
Today they released their second episode with Andi Wank. I really like their first episode so this might pretty interesting!
