#andreas.d

[thejoaquinjavier]

iMessage → Baxter(?)/ Andreas

Joaquin: um hello

Joaquin: I'm texting Baxter's phone but I think it should technically be reaching Andreas

Joaquin: Please say it's working

[thejoaquinjavier]

iMessage → Italian Sausage

Joaquin: Hey. It's me.

Joaquin: Are you back from Italy?

Joaquin: Wow, I should really change your name on my phone...

[thejoaquinjavier]

dear journal || a journal entry

Dear Journal,

I royally fucked up. Like SUPER ROYALLY fucked up.

Remember how I was doing shit with Andreas? And how I was basically using him and didn't let my conscious stop me from doing it?

Well last night he told me he had feelings for me. Genuine feelings. Like when I fucked him, he thought we were making love, but I was just... I just needed to let my frustration go. It felt so good, but not because I had feelings for him.

He's such a sweet guy, Journal. But he's not for me. I led him on and enabled his weird cuddles and never told him how I really felt about it all. 

He looked so broken. So, so broken. I'm fucking trash.

But the worst part is...while I'm feeling like shit about everything I did to him, I'm even more scared that he's going to out me to the media.

I can't deal with that. I'm not ready. My parents will literally kill me. People will laugh or hate me. And normally I wouldn't care, but I would about this. God, I've always felt like I could never really be me. And this is part of who I am. And if I show that and people start to despise me for it... I don't know how I'll take it.

I tried to go to his house today. To apologize (probably not because I'm a FUCKING COWARD). To fix everything. But he had left to Italy. His parents looked at me like I was an alien so I just left.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. AND FUCKING PAULO CALLED ME LAST NIGHT AND shit. I'm going to break down. I don't know how long I can last anymore. 

I give myself 2 weeks. 2 weeks before I break down like a fucking baby and go to Brandon and cry my eyes out because I'm weak and I can't do anything that requires an ounce of bravery. 

God knows how I'm gonna tell Vinny I have feelings for him but that's another story for another long ass day of me feeling sorry for myself.

-Joaquin

[thejoaquinjavier]

✿

((WHICH REMINDS ME I HAVE TO POST THE THING.))

I’m a dick and I’m so so sorry. Yeah, I feel guilty as fuck but I’m also secretly scared you’re going to tell everyone my secret. And ruin my life.

And you’re so sweet and nice… I hope it isn’t true. But I’m dying right now and I wish I had the courage to say I’m sorry to your face.

[thejoaquinjavier]

dear andreas ((just bc imma life ruiner oh)))

((you did this to yourself tsk tsk))

Dear Andreas,

Congratulations! You got the VIP pass to me freaking the fuck out. I hope you enjoyed the show. I’m sure you did, though. I’ve been told I’m a fantastic kisser. And… fantastic at performing the other stuff we did. 

You’re really good at what you do. I was not disappointed in the slightest. Thanks for the best experience I’ve ever had. And thanks for teaching me the ropes to… the other half of sexual activities that I didn’t know were a thing.

I think my pride just withered and died there.

Anyway, uh, I’m still figuring shit out. But thanks for at least being a willing participant. And thanks for being so understanding and patient and so fucking nice. You’re like a fucking puppy, dude. Like a really hot golden retriever. Honestly, if it weren’t for you telling me this… stuff is okay or at least fine enough to explore with you in secret, I wouldn’t be able to admit to myself that I… I like guys too. I can’t promise you anything though. At all. I don’t know if I’m ready for that or if we’re even that compatible for that. We’ll see. But seriously, thank you. 

I just wanted to say that before you start to hate me. Which you will. Because I know myself and I know this is going to get shitty real fast. And I’m going to be too much of a coward to tell you what’s really going on in my head. So you’ll hate me. You’ll feel hurt, confused, betrayed, insulted. And I’ll feel like shit. But I hope eventually somehow you’ll find a way to forgive me for being a dick. And maybe after that we’ll be friends. 

I’m just so sorry. 

Sincerely, 

Joaquin

[thejoaquinjavier]

♦ (hi nati)

{hey ari}

After one of their many sexcapades, Andreas really wants to cuddle with Joaquin. Sleepy and tired, Joaquin only sighs dramatically before opening his arms, grumbling, and giving in.