#andy wolk

[angelstills]

S6, Ep. 4: Portrait of a Lady Alexander (2012) Gossip Girl (2007-2012)

[madnessiskey]

Gossip Girl (2011), dir. Andy Wolk Season 5 Episode: I Am Number Nine

[astoldbyblair]

Gossip Girl (2007-2012)

Season 5 Episode 6 - I Am Number Nine (2011)

[snarktheater]

Shadowhunters S2 — Episode 2

Today on Shadowhunters: Jace has a working brain for at least five seconds!

"You set me up to kill that vampire!"

No shit. But no, Valentine keeps spouting anti-Downworlder bullshit about how "soon, dens like that will be on every corner" that totally do not resonate with real-life racism, no sir, there is no connection between Shadowhunter hatred of Downworlders and real-life racism, Cassandra Clare's fans told me so!

"Deep down inside, you know that I'm right."

Yeah, there is the fact that Jace saved him. Hence why I said "at least five seconds".

But what weirds me out here is that Valentine used Jocelyn trying to kill Jace as an argument, which…feels like it would work a lot better if he hadn't told Jace about his demon blood experiment. So now I have to say: maybe you jumped the gun a little too fast with that reveal, show.

Meanwhile at the Institute, Aldertree acts condescending to Lydia because she's "responsible for the actions of the Institute", which…no? You took over from her? That means it's now your responsibility? So much for the reasonable leader act, I guess. Besides, he can't be mean to Lydia and keep my respect.

Jocelyn tries to explain to Clary why she shot Jace, but Clary doesn't want to hear any of it. And by "explain" I mean remain ominously vague, which is weird, since…again, we already know the answer.

"Because your brother, he's not who you think he is! Honey, there's still so much you don't know."

She goes on to call Jocelyn a monster, because of course. I mean, Clary and Jocelyn's relationship was one of the things I'd liked about season one, it only stands to reason they'd break it down as soon as possible, right?

Jocelyn actually ends up telling her about Valentine's experiments, and shows Clary one of her own memories as evidence. Which is just…the most hilarious thing. He's so evil, he kills flowers by touching them, you guys.

I'm sorry, I'm having an extremely hard time taking that seriously. Jocelyn adds that Ragnor Fell told her Jonathan "would only leave death and destruction in his wake", and…okay. Simon points out to Clary once they're alone that they have no reason not to believe her, especially with the whole vampire-killing incident of the last episode, before being called away by Aldertree to be interrogated about that exact incident.

And by that, I mean Aldertree asks Simon to spy on vampires for him and find other vampire dens like this, threatening to ban all vampire/Shadowhunter fraternizing if he gets no results. Because if you can't get reliable intel…cutting any connection with vampires that could lead to genuine information is a good idea?

…Yeah, no. Needless to say, Aldertree has officially veered off into "Adults Are Useless Territory". You didn't even last the equivalent of a whole episode, congratulations!

Meanwhile, Clary comes talk to Alec, who's still subbing in for Jace in the angst zone. Specifically he's angry right now because Jocelyn shot Jace.

"Since you've arrived, you've caused nothing but problems."

I mean, you're not wrong, but that's correlation, not causation. On the plus side, Isabelle shows up to defend Clary, so at least we're not dealing with girl-on-girl hate? Because forcing the token gay character to be unsympathetic to the protagonist is so much better, right? Eh, knowing Clare's fans, they probably side with Alec against Clary rather than the other way around.

Cut to a dojo, where a bunch of guys get abducted by Valentine, including one of them while he's fighting, by virtue of flashing lights and "eh, why bother". You can guess why, but it raises a few questions. I mean, if Valentine wants to make an army, wouldn't he…pick people based on ideology first? Or at least pick people whose loyalty is assured, rather than coerced? You'd think so, but the show doesn't care.

The Institute is quickly aware of it, since we cut straight to Lydia briefing Shadowhunters about it.

[Clary:] "When did the briefing start? Nobody told me." [Isabelle:] "That wasn't an accident."

Well, duh. You were taken out of the investigation because of your conflicts of interests, which, again, is a perfectly normal thing to do. But no, the Lightwoods and Clary decide they should try to find Jace first. Did Alec forget he was angry at Clary? But then, Lydia insists to keep the Lightwoods in the investigation after all, because they're the best they've got, and Aldertree just accepts it? Because he trusts Lydia and the Lightwoods now? Can we get some consistency in here?

I guess we just needed Clary to be alone for some reason. And by "alone" I mean she goes to her room to sulk and look at her drawings from when she wanted to attend art school, while sad piano music plays. No, really.

Isabelle does come in to cheer her up…which kind of backfires when she replied to Clary's "I just want to be normal" with "You have a target on your back." I mean…it's true, but it's not very comforting.

"You have a new life now. You have me. That's not gonna change."

I'd ask if the show was going to get Clary and Isabelle together, which would be an awesome change, but I don't have that kind of faith in Hollywood.

Anyway. I said something about being tired of the PoV switches, right? So let's try to sort things out a little. Although, just to be clear: this episode is pretty hard to divide into neat plot lines, so I'm doing my best here. As in, aside from Simon's subplot, they're all woven into a single story. Which is nice, but I'm still annoyed by the constant switches between so many different PoVs, especially when they merge only at the end.

Simon's plot line

A.K.A. the plotline I'm still trying to figure out why I should care about.

Luke's investigating the missing people, and Alaric wants to know why he's still sheltering Simon. Because…"he's my sort-of-stepdaughter's best friend and has nowhere to live" isn't good enough, apparently. And just at the same time, the rest of Luke's pack is once again being assholes to Simon. They don't do anything, because Luke gave orders and they're apparently not willing to ignore those yet, they're just…kind of mean.

"You're an embarrassment to your own kind."

Isn't that a good thing, since you hate vampires?

Oh, also, Raphael shows up in Simon's container, because Simon more or less implied he was responsible for the vampire dens during his chat with Aldertree. Since the den was actually led by one of Camille's creations, and Clary's crew is the one who set her loose, Raphael tells Simon it's his responsibility to help find her now.

"Use your connection to her or die trying."

Well, instead, he does what everyone in a Shadowhunter story does when in need for help: he goes to ask Magnus for help.

"You're the only one who knows her as well as Raphael."

Yeah. So why isn't Raphael tracking her down himself, hmm? Oh right, because heaven forbid someone other than our protagonists actually do something.

Magnus agrees, and they Portal to one of Camille's many homes. This one is in India, but aside from the decor and a vague shot of the Taj Mahal, you wouldn't know. Also, Magnus is immediately useless since he decides to get back all of his stuff from this place.

"Find me when you're ready to leave. Preferably after you dealt with Camille." "Right. Because why would you need a powerful warlock when you got a scrappy nerd from Brooklyn?"

So Simon searches the ridiculously large residence of Camille alone. Nobody's there, but he does stumble upon a secret hiding place by complete chance. Because, you know, why wouldn't you put a secret hiding place in a giant snake statue in the middle of a room, and have it open by just touching the statue?

Also, a random snake shows up as booby trap, and it spits fire, too! But who cares, Simon suddenly can use encanto to get rid of it. Hurray for convenient new powers!

Magnus arrives conveniently late, and he offers to help Simon until he does find Camille, because…something about how Magnus's hard time getting acclimated to Downworld means he doesn't want anyone to go through that as well. Sure. Also, Simon now has a magically sealed box and Magnus has a bunch of "important" things from Camille's place, which I'm sure will be completely irrelevant in the future.

The Lightwoods' plot line

A.K.A. "Why even bother."

Alec and Isabelle go to a fighting ring, because that's where you find "the best fighters in the city". Sure. Cue instant sexual harassment.

"You've got some moves." "Yeah? How about I take you home to show you some of those moves, up close and personal."

I've gotta say, Isabelle kicking his ass it pretty cathartic, if completely pointless. I mean…aren't you supposed to lay low and wait for Valentine to show up? Way to make yourself unnoticed.

But no, the trap does work, and a Circle guy shows up to kidnap the man Isabelle beat up. Alec and Isabelle catch him, but he kills himself because he's just so devoted. And after that (and loads and loads of angst), they immediately ditch that plan because all Circle members will kill themselves rather than be caught. And I guess staying at the Institute is just that much more productive.

Clary and Jocelyn's plot line

Guess who sneaked off again! Yeah, I don't know why they even bother to say Clary can't go out if they're not going to actually…you know, enforce that.

She goes to the art school she'd applied to in episode one of the show, and just…starts drawing like she owns the place. Even if you say she's using runes to hide from mundanes, you'd still have to tell me why no one notices that a canvas is drawing itself. Or, rather, why a classroom is empty in the middle of the day. This school does not look very large, you know.

But Luke and Jocelyn find her before anyone else does, because Clary didn't activate her "anti-tracking rune". Which…they have those now? That seems like the kind of thing that would only be useful when you want to go rogue. It's pretty odd, basically.

Clary angsts about how no one trusts her and she can't live a normal life.

"I'm not a mundane. I'm not a Shadowhunter. I'm not anything."

And then she storms off, with neither Jocelyn nor Luke stopping her, and runs straight into Dot.

"I thought you were dead!"

Dot, naturally, kidnaps Clary. Because what else does anyone do to Clary in this show? It can basically be summed up as "people take Clary places or hold her in places and she escapes; also pretty boys angst".

But it's okay! Luke has just the thing for this: an adamas…magic gizmo that he got from his mother, who's an Iron Sister. I feel like I already knew this, but I don't remember if it was from season one or from reading news about the show, so…okay. But they need help to use it.

And by "help" I mean they need Jace's parabatai, because they instantly know that Dot kidnapped Clary on Valentine's behalf. And…Dot does have some scars from his experiments, but in my opinion, Jocelyn and Luke were a little too far to see them. But okay. Alec is, unsurprisingly, not thrilled about working with the woman who tried to kill Jace, but since he's struck out and run out of options (…well, you know, according to the show), he decides to give it a go, even if it might potentially kill him. Which, fair enough, it's like the third time he makes the same decision now. Also, he's shirtless again? Why does he have to be shirtless every time he does this?

Valentine's fun cruise

A.K.A. Jace and Clary's plot line, but I couldn't resist. Jace meets one of Valentine's recruits, named Jeremy, and tries to tell him that hunting Downworlders isn't all it's cracked up to be. It does not work out all that well.

"Screw glory. I want justice. I lost my father because of these monsters."

So…there are mortals who know about Downworlders? And they just…don't do anything about it? You do realize this is the Internet age and it's really not so difficult to share stuff, right?

Jace refuses to come on a hunt with Jeremy, because principles. Cue more of Valentine's bullshit.

"You were trained to see Downworlders as your allies, and that I'm your worst enemy."

First: have you actually talked to a Shadowhunter lately, Valentine? Second: maybe that wouldn't be an issue if you hadn't randomly given him up. I mean, not that I particularly want Jace to be a perfectly brainwashed little boy, but…come on. Valentine's plan with Jace was not a very well-conceived one, was it?

Oh, but Valentine knows who can change Jace's mind. Gee, I wonder who that is. Yep, it's Clary, because of course Jocelyn is right to think Dot kidnapped her on his behalf. Come on, guys. Mary Sue Guessing Powers for everyone!

Dot seems pretty pro-Valentine considering he wants her and her kind dead.

"He's misunderstood."

Right.

She shows Clary a series of random, gruesome images, because…sure. And then we cut to Clary going to see Jace. He doesn't believe that it's her at first, but she tells him about that magic bike ride they had in season one, and so he does believe her. She then goes on to say that she can see the future, and that Downworlders will slaughter every human, and only Jace can stop them.

And…really, no one is questioning this? One, this sounds out of character for Clary. Two, those powers seem extremely convenient. Three, they could just be an illusion.

…Or, you know, Jace could decide to go hunting for the werewolf who killed Jeremy's dad based on this overwhelming evidence. Good choice, Jace.

Clary wakes up in a cage later. Turns out, she can't see the future! Which…honestly, with a Shadowhunter story, would it really have surprised you if she could? But no, it was just good old mind control. Dot is about to reapply the spell, because it wears off on Shadowhunters, but Clary manages to appeal to their shared past to get Dot to help her instead. Complete with offering Dot shelter with Magnus, because there is no Shadowhunter continuity where Clary does not see Magnus as a lap dog.

Cut to Valentine's recruits bringing back the werewolf in question. It's actually one of Luke's pack who was mean to Simon earlier, which…I don't really know why this is relevant, honestly, but sure. She denies having killed Jeremy's dad, Valentine doesn't believe her and/or doesn't care, but Jace hesitates. Clary shows up, tells him about the spell she was under, and this convinces him to run away with her. Dot opens a breach in the wards around Valentine's ship…I think…and Clary and Jace jump overboard. Also, the werewolf girl (whose name I don't think was ever given to us) is killed anyway, and Dot is taken back. But hey, our protagonists are out!

Oh, also, remember that tracking thing Alec was attempting in the other plot line? Yeah, all it did was that Alec saw Jace and Clary escape, and Jace sensed his presence. Also, Alec passed out bleeding and possibly dying. But aside from that, the whole endeavor was entirely pointless. And really, are you surprised? No, no you're not.

And that concludes episode 2. Which took a dramatic nosedive towards the stupid. I guess it's a lot of setup, but do we really need Simon's subplot? Or Alec to be almost dead? Or Isabelle to be a strong independent woman who kicks sexist guys? I mean, as fun as that scene is, it doesn't really dismantle sexism, you know.

Ugh. Let's just move on. There are still plenty of episodes to go, and I fear plenty more padding to go through as well.

[angelstills]

S5, Ep. 23: The Fugitives (2012) Gossip Girl (2007-2012)

[angelstills]

S5, Ep. 23: The Fugitives (2012) Gossip Girl (2007-2012)

[angelstills]

S5, Ep. 23: The Fugitives (2012) Gossip Girl (2007-2012)

[angelstills]

S5, Ep. 23: The Fugitives (2012) Gossip Girl (2007-2012)