falling for you ; phan | epilogue
Full summary ; Dan Howell is dead. Well, sort of. He’s a guardian angel, forced to protect only one human, and that human is Cat. But when he accompanies Cat to school, he can’t help but be intrigued by the broken boy with the black hair who sits by the window in class and disappears at lunch times. Dan realises this boy needs more protection than Cat will ever need, so he takes on human form to save him. But soon he finds himself falling in love, which is something he definitely can’t do. Dan Howell is an angel, and he’s falling for Phil.
Tags ; highschool!phan, teenage!phan, plantboy!phil, spaceboy!dan, angel!dan, phan, phan au, phan fluff, phan angst, chaptered
TWs ; bullying, violence, mentions of self-harm, mentions of death/suicide, depression, panic attacks, physical and verbal abuse, homophobia, foul language and supernatural themes.
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"They all say that nothing ever changes, through the new lines that are on their faces—"
dan ; 65 years later
The clouds are grey and weary as they roll across a darkening sky. Rain slips from their folds like tears, splattering on the windscreen, and the highway ahead is barely visible. Lightning arcs across the sky, flashing reminders of the bushes and fields on either side of the road. Even in his old age, Dan still finds solace in a thunderstorm. He doesn't flinch at all.
Two hands clutch the worn steering wheel. They are sprinkled with brown spots, coarse and weathered by an 80-year life, but warm nonetheless. Dan can remember the time when the cold had been squeezed from his fingertips by the hands of another. They'd been warm ever since.
A quick glance at the leather watch latched around his wrist reveals the time. 11.48 pm. He's late. He's so very late. His daughter is going to absolutely kill him when he gets there well past midnight. He can almost hear her worried voice now: "You were supposed to be here by nine! Why didn't you leave earlier? It's hard to see the road at night and anything could've happened to you."
Dan doesn't blame her, honestly. In fact, he would probably agree with her. But he's still the Dan he was 40 years ago – albeit mature with a deeper understanding of the world, he will always leave things until the last minute. Or hours past the last minute, as it is. Surely it's not his fault if his evening nap stretched on for longer than he intended, though? And it's hard for a man who, even now, devotes endless time and effort to his career which technically should've ended a decade ago. A lot of things seem to fill up Dan's hours, which is why he is edging over the speed limit along a poorly lit road in the middle of the night, as buckets of rain pound upon the asphalt and the dented roof of his car. I'll be fine, he tells himself over and over. Evie's place is only 15 minutes away.
For a moment Dan cracks a melancholy smile. He really misses his daughter, and her entire family. His family. But now he gets to see them again – Evie, her husband, his granddaughter and the rest of the clan. Tomorrow he can hug them, talk with them and simply be with them again. Unfortunately his son, Caleb, wasn't able to make it but everyone had agreed to skype him during the reunion. Then he feels a painful tug of sadness on his heart when he remembers that one other person won't be there either.
He's tried hard to avoid thinking of Phil, he really has. People used to tell him to dwell on the happy memories rather than the sad ones, but even that only drags him into a familiar pit of misery. He resolved not to think of Phil at all after the dark-haired man passed away. Work and family provided easy distractions from his thoughts, but it was impossible to escape them completely. For three years, Phil had left Dan alone in their cosy home in a rural village near London. By now he is expected to have moved on, but Dan tells no one of the dark nights he would spend lonely in his bed, furiously wiping away tears and begging for someone to drag him out of his head. The only person he'd prefer to do that is Phil. But Phil is gone. The only relief has come from knowing his husband now rests peacefully in heaven. But even that weighs upon his heart, for he knows that not even in the afterlife will he see Phil again.
At some point, dense huddles of trees have begun slipping past the car window, seeming to appear from nowhere as Dan drives on. His mind is found elsewhere – in the past.
When they were younger, still with so much to see and learn, Dan and Phil had scraped together enough money from their respective minimum-wage jobs and moved out of town. They left all of it behind – their school, their homes, the florist and the library and the hideaway in the forest – but of course kept in touch with friends and family. Mrs Lester and Daisy were always a call away from their new home, while Stephen was eventually jailed for a year and had a restraining order filed against him afterwards.
Their old 'squad' had inevitably separated to pursue their own careers, but would catch up for coffee when they could. Dan swelled with pride when Louise published her first novel, and was ready to burst into tears listening to Troye's first ever EP. PJ went on to create masterpiece films on YouTube which guided him into the film industry. After a few years of confusion about his calling, Tyler became an LGBT+ rights activist. 'Beauty Vlogger' grew to be the professional term for Zoe. And Cat plunged into law and criminology, unexpectedly.
The third to build a career out of YouTube was Phil. He never planned to gain a large following or even go anywhere at all with his channel, AmazingPhil, which at first only existed to make money on the side. Dan watched on with enthusiasm as his boyfriend gained thousands and thousands of subscribers with simple chatty vlogs; he developed an intense fanbase, released merchandise, collaborated with other big names and was even featured occasionally in articles or teen magazines. It simultaneously felt overwhelming and exhilarating – and even slightly scary when Phil introduced Dan as his boyfriend, enticing the shippers to emerge from the shadowy depths of Tumblr in the hundreds.
Dan can still remember the moment Phil hit one million subscribers – something from a life that seems so far away he can barely see it on the horizon. It had been a quiet night for the two of them, some pointless TV show background noise for the apartment they moved into nearly a year after the incident with Stephen. While Phil was off editing his next video, Dan had been humming away to a song by Kanye West as he cooked up a delicious meal of spaghetti for the two of them. Because yes, even as a fully-functioning 20-something-year-old adult, Dan was hopeless at cooking anything extravagant.
A subscriber count was up on his phone; surprisingly, Dan was more invested in AmazingPhil's stats than AmazingPhil himself. He shocked the house with a high-pitched squeal when 999,999 became 1,000,000, prompting his boyfriend to come bumbling into the room a few seconds afterward.
"What? What's wrong?" Phil had blurted, pushing his glasses onto the bridge of his nose.
Dan simply shoved the phone in his direction, a brilliant grin on his cheeks. A brighter one grew on Phil's face moments later.
Two blinks and Dan is dragged back into the present. It's midnight. It's nearing pitch darkness on the road ahead. And the era of AmazingPhil is long dead and gone. Dan frowns sadly to himself – he never followed in Phil's footsteps, deciding a career in YouTube wasn't for him. Instead, fast-forwarding a few years of university study in counselling and psychology, Dan began working for a non-profit organisation focused on raising awareness for bullying and mental health, and supporting those who were unwell. It was a rewarding occupation which allowed him to campaign against bullying and social stigma, work with children and young people and – ultimately – make positive impacts in the lives of so many. High school experiences had burdened his mind years after his education, so Dan couldn't sit by and do nothing while others inevitably faced similar struggles to himself. And making a difference in the lives of children, teenagers, adults – even whole families – had allowed him to finally escape his past and fling it into a deep corner of his mind.
Then suddenly he was nearing 30, and Phil dragged him halfway across the globe to Japan where he proposed under a canopy of cherry blossoms. It was picture-perfect and filled with the sounds of tears and kisses and the repetition of three simple words. Dan and Phil couldn't have been happier.
Next came a 4-bedroom house with a wide backyard and corgi named Milo who loved to pee everywhere. From lugging moving boxes into the lounge with over-exaggerated complaints about their heaviness, to cuddling with Milo by the fireplace 2 years later, Dan and Phil – just as in love as they had been when they were teenagers – couldn't have found anywhere they'd rather be other than beside each other. And, sooner than expected, beside their two adopted children, Evelyn and Caleb.
Cue 10 years or so of absolute chaos. Or, mostly chaos. Evie and Caleb were biological siblings, and they bounced off each other like two positive charges – and they produced a lot of negative ones. Tantrums, fights, pranks and more tantrums were battles Dan and Phil barely came out of alive, but if someone had asked them whether it was worth it, they'd say yes in a heartbeat. Nothing on earth could compare to raising a family together (other than their wedding day, of course). Eventually their kids grew and matured, with a few obstacles such as puberty hindering them. Dan and Phil had a terrific job bonding with Caleb during his angst-filled teenage years, and strained through Evie's random phase which lasted longer than it should have. But when both of them graduated and moved out of home, the two husbands realised they would gladly do it all over again.
Now there's dampness on Dan's cheeks. He wills himself to keep his eyes on the road and out of his head, smearing away his tears with one wrinkled hand. It's okay. He's okay. He'll be seeing his family soon. Now is not the time to burst into loud sobs over his memories – he's done enough of that already.
The rain grows heavier, pounding against the glass of the windscreen like an army of soldiers. All Dan can see is water, and a split second of road when the wipers shove the droplets from his view. He can feel his heartbeat without having to touch his chest, almost matching the speed of the rain. But he'll be okay, he reminds himself again.
Knuckles turn white as they clutch the steering wheel. Sweat pools in his socks. Vital organs like the stomach are starting to get left behind. And all he can see, all he can hear is rain, rain, rain.
Phil. He needs Phil. Phil always knows what do in these situations. He'd hold Dan's hand if it was available and rub calming circles on his palm. He'd talk him through the panic, telling him to put his foot on the break and take deep breaths. He'd reassure him that he was okay, he was safe and nothing was going to happen to him. "I'll always be right beside you," Phil used to promise.
Dan knew he never meant to break it.
A side road winds away from the main highway, but of course Dan can't see it. Nor can he see the second car driving miles over the speed limit, never stopping to give way to Dan.
Suddenly there is an ear-splitting screech of rubber tyres against slippery tarmac. Metal crumples, glass shatters and Dan's vision spins out of focus. The car collapses around him. He doesn't have time to scream. The vehicle turns and plunges into a ditch hidden in the trees to his left, flipping onto its roof with a resounding crunch of aluminium.
The world stands still. Dan's eyes crack open and he stares at the blur of black and green around him. Then excruciating pain surges through his body, searing his arms and legs and bursting flames in his torso. Shards of glass litter his skin, most buried deep within it, and blood paints his body and the mixture of metal and dirt beneath him. He lets out a low groan, burying his burning head into his hands, the skin torn to pieces.
He's never felt anything like this since the moment his wings were torn from his back, decades ago.
Something cold is pressing down into his left leg. Dan can't move it, no matter how hard he tries. He's trapped. But surprisingly, he doesn't panic. Only one prayer to God is present in his mind.
Please take care of my family.
Then Dan lets his eyes fall shut and he mumbles, "I don't know if I'm ready."
And out of the blue there is a familiar voice in his ears, and for a moment Dan thinks he's hallucinating when he hears the reply, "You are ready, Dan. You know you are."
Dan's eyelids shoot open and he stares up into a face he'd almost forgotten. The Keeper looks exactly the same as when he last saw him – deathly pale, emotionless expression, a dark coat swirling at his feet. But something is different. His eyes are different. They look back at Dan with a strange sadness he had never seen before.
"You...Why are you...? I thought – but you – how?" Dan croaks, incredulous. "I thought I'd never s-see you again."
The Keeper glances down at his feet before dropping to a crouch. He peers at Dan through the wreckage of the car. "I came to tell you one last thing. You think you're not ready to die a second time. But you are more than ready."
"Am I...am I going to hell?" Dan whispers, voice cracking on the last syllable. He blinks away tears he didn't realise were blurring his vision until now.
"Dan...I've watched you live your second life in the greatest way you could. I saw you build a career, marry Phil, start a family...I couldn't have been more proud of you, and gladder that you found the happiness you needed." The Keeper hesitated, sucking in a small breath, before meeting Dan's eyes. "But it was a test. A test you knew nothing about. For everyone who breaks the bond between angel and human, they're given another chance without knowledge of it. They're free to live life as they please, and if they do enough good, if they can prove their worth...well, that just might be their last ticket to heaven. And you, Dan, proved more than I ever suspected."
After the Keeper's words, it is so silent Dan is sure they can both hear his own heartbeat. For a moment he forgets the pain coursing through his crushed and ruined body, only focusing on what the Keeper had said. Did he mean...?
"All that work you did with that mental health organisation...creating awareness for bullying, working with young people – all of it. You turned yourself around. Dan, you passed the test. You're going to heaven."
Dan can do nothing but close his eyes and rest his head in his arms. He allows complete and utter relief to wash over him, almost overtaking his pain. He's going to heaven. He'll be okay. He'll be with Phil. That realisation overwhelms him, and now he just longs for his heart to stop beating, no matter how morbid it sounds. His skin is on fire and he can't move and his body is deteriorating and he just wants it to end. Because being with Phil sounds infinitely better than this.
"Is Phil there?" he suddenly asks hoarsely, lifting his head and taking the Keeper by surprise.
"I don't know, but I'm pretty sure there's no way that guy could go to hell," he replies, a hint of sadness in his tone. A beat of silence passes. "Look, Dan...I'm about to get quite sappy here, I warn you. But when you first came to Purgatory, even though you were quite frustrating, I saw myself in you. The cynicism and the coldness and–"
"Oh wow, thank you so much."
"But," the Keeper continued, raising his eyebrows, "it made me fond of you. You were sort of different in that...I'd never cared for any soul as much I had for you before. It surprised me because you showed me what it was to be human. You helped feel genuine emotion, something I've rarely ever felt, and I thank you for that. I almost miss watching out for you when you were a guardian, because I lo – I mean, I, uh, liked seeing what...you would do next, y-you know?"
A frown crawls its way onto Dan's face. "Yeah, I guess..." he mumbles. Something is suddenly a little off about the Keeper's behaviour, but he can't put his finger on it. He decides to ignore it for now. "But thank you for telling me that, it means quite a lot."
The Keeper stares at him with a small smile, then opens his mouth to say something, seems to think better of it, and averts his eyes to the ground. And there's...there's colour on his cheeks. An ever-so-pale blush on his ghostly white complexion. Something, Dan is sure, has never happened before. "That's quite alright," the Keeper murmurs.
Suddenly it all connects in Dan's mind, the last puzzle piece fitting into place. It makes absolute sense...the hugs, the words of comfort, the subtle yet very obvious sorrow whenever Phil was mentioned. The blushing–
"Anyway, Dan," the Keeper unknowingly interrupts his thoughts. "Your time is just about to come to an end, I'm sad to say."
Dan simply nods, easily accepting it. He doesn't want to wait for it any longer. He can see Phil in his mind, perhaps even waiting for him to arrive at his last destination. But for now he can see the Keeper in front of him, sat in the mud and remaining there for him throughout his last moments. With one last bout of strength, he reaches out his old, mangled arm and grapples for the Keeper's hand, who takes it without hesitation. Dan squeezes gently, and as his eyelids float shut he murmurs with sincerity, "I'm happy I met you."
The last thing he hears before his heart stops is, "I'm happy I met you, too."
*
His body is enclosed in warmth, draped around him like a woollen blanket. Something soft and thin glances over his cheeks; it's fresh grass, caressing his skin. A feather-like breeze tugs at his curls, coaxing them into the air. And Dan feels...alive.
His eyes are closed but his lungs are open, filled with sweet-smelling air as he breathes softly through his nose. It's placid. There is no noise. Dan feels as if he is lying on a bed of clouds, cotton candy and freshly dried sheets. He could fall asleep here. But he's only just woken up.
Belatedly, Dan moves. He flexes his fingers and shifts his head and wriggles his legs. Gentle grass and damp soil press into his skin, reminding him of summer months and the sun in his eyes. The sun. He comes to the realisation that the sleepy warmth he feels comes from sunlight. A contented sigh leaves his lips – it's been so long since he felt heat like this. Then, like a bear waking from hibernation, Dan cracks his eyes open and is met with the colour yellow. The straw of the towering prairie grass, bending in the breeze. The saffron of the sky, paled by the intensity of the sun. The gold of his hands, gentle and new and unblemished. Young.
No longer is his skin littered with ageing spots or wrinkles. There are no traces of wounds from the crash, seconds or minutes or hours before. Dan sucks in a calming breath and reaches to touch his face. His cheeks are soft, smooth and spongy, and his lips are no longer cracked and shrivelled. Every part of him feels renewed. Repaired. Like he is young again.
Suddenly Dan finds the strength within him to sit up, shocking him with how easy it comes. He pulls his legs underneath him and pushes up with his arms, leaning back onto his feet. For a moment, his eyes roam the area in which he's been left, and the frown on his face flips into a small smile. He knows where he is. Of course, it's refreshingly different from the last time he was here. But the meadow still stretches out by the acres, enclosed by a woodland he never saw beyond.
Purgatory had never been separate from heaven, and perhaps hell for that matter. Dan finds it comforting.
So then he sighs, gets to his feet, brushes the grass from a fresh pair of jeans and a t-shirt and admires the thin physique of his body. So many years had gone by since he looked like this. His arms are well-built, his torso sturdy and for once he feels he can trust his feet – which are bare and pushing coolly into the grass – to keep him upright.
That is when the sound of footsteps crushing into the long straw reaches his ears, snapping him from his thoughts. Dan holds his breath, nerves spluttering to life as he keeps his back facing the newcomer. He's almost afraid to turn around, but then he swallows the butterflies in his throat and twists on his feet.
Dan looks up to meet a pair of cerulean eyes, glimmering in the light and crinkled at the edges from an elated grin.
Phil looks just like he did when he was 17 years old, although his jaw is slightly sharper and his shoulders are broader. His fringe, as dark as ever, falls perfectly to the left of his face. His cheekbones are knife-sharp and smattered with freckles. And his skin displays a warm glow, cheeks rosy and face smooth. But it's the smile that startles Dan the most.
Sunlight bursting from his very being, Phil's peachy pink lips are pulled into a smile that might as well reach his eyes, his teeth are showing and he isn't covering his mouth like he used to do. Dan can't tear his eyes away. Here, after 3 years of being apart, here is his significant other. His soulmate. And they're both young again and Dan is falling in love all over again, and he can only hope Phil is doing the same. But a part of him knows he is.
Then Phil breaks the silence between them, exclaiming between a laugh and sob, "You're really here!"
Complete and total joy blossoms in Dan's chest and spreads throughout the rest of him. He's in heaven. He's with Phil. And everything is going to be absolutely okay. He moves forward through the grass, lips curling up to imitate Phil's grin, and his heart is hammering against his chest to the beat of the butterflies in his stomach and Phil is moving closer and –
They're together again. They crash into each other, arms winding around chests and fingers clutching shirts and eyes squeezing shut. Dan pushes his face into Phil's neck, clinging to him as he lets out a few unwarranted sobs and breathes in the comforting scent of cinnamon (even in heaven). Phil lets out a trembling but relieved sigh and buries his nose in Dan's hair, peppering the curls with kisses as he clutches him tightly to his chest. They hold each for an eternity.
"I'm here," Dan murmurs eventually, never, ever wanting to let go.
"You're here," Phil repeats in reply.
Dan laughs then, the sound thick and a little choked up, but it's okay. He couldn't have been happier. He takes the slightest step back to look into Phil's eyes, lifts a hand to caress his cheek, thumb brushing over his lower lip. "I'm sorry you had to wait so long," he whispers.
"Don't say sorry. Time doesn't really exist here, anyway, so I barely had to wait," Phil assures him. He hooks his arms around Dan's waist. "Now, can I kiss you?"
"Be my guest."
Then their lips meet, and it doesn't feel any different except for the sweetness Dan can taste as he kisses the dark-haired boy, tugging gently on his bottom lip with his teeth. Phil tastes bright and sugary, and Dan immediately misses the feeling when they pull apart. The butterflies continue to bang against his ribcage.
"I almost forgot how good of a kisser you are," Phil giggles, staring at him with the fondest look in his eyes.
Dan rolls his eyes playfully, ignoring the sudden warmth in his chest. "You forgot me? You forgot me? I thought you loved me!"
"You know very well that I hate you, darling."
"That sounds like something a Tumblr user would say."
"Well, there's no Tumblr here! I've checked."
"That's a disappointment."
"No it's not. You have me to entertain you."
Dan quirks an eyebrow at that. "Was that...an invitation to do something I probably don't want to know about?"
"Maybe," Phil shrugs, smirking a little. Then he lowers one hand and intertwines their fingers. "But first, we should probably leave the meadow. There's so much I want you to see outside the trees."
Dan's eyes widen, heart leaping at the thought of going beyond the woodland. Phil tugs him round to face the border of the grassland and throws him a small grin. Dan easily returns it. And then they walk, hand in hand, towards the trees that enclose the fields of gold, and as long as Phil is right beside him, Dan feels nothing but eager to find out what awaits them next.
-
a/n ; i think i’ll just say that i’m proud of this one. extremely proud. a year and a bit and 134,806 words later, falling for you is finally finished. to anyone who has and who will read this, thank you so so much. any kind of support means the world to me <3
