unspoken rules | 14
(Itoshi Sae x female reader)
Switching from one job to another as a maid wasn't easy when you had no home to go back to and your many bad experiences with previous employers. Somehow, you'd ended up as the maid for Itoshi Sae, a famous footballer. He was back in Japan to train for an upcoming match and needed someone to take care of things at his estate. You kept things in order as best as you could, in fear of his intimidating presence. As a few mishaps occur here and there, you're convinced Sae despises you even more - but he doesn't fire you, for some reason.
• shy reader, angst, anxiety/worrying, intimidation, hurt/comfort, Itoshi Sae is bad at feelings. inspired by this story!
WARNING - PORTRAYAL OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THIS CHAPTER.
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Don't be afraid to leave a comment letting me know what you thought, even if you've never commented before! This is one of the most heavy chapters in the story so I'd love to know your opinion.
also the fic is ending soon 😖. the next chapter may be the last or it might be split in 2 chapters, followed by an epilogue!
Sae had come home in the evening and told you he'd be out for the next few days - and that he'd be back in the evenings. You messaged Rin that night and told him he could come over, and that the late mornings would be best.
The next morning, after Sae had breakfast and left, you prepared a few things for Rin. You'd messaged him and asked if there was anything in particular he'd like to eat, but he said it wasn't necessary, so you made a few warm treats like fresh dango.
Your phone pinged as you finished arranging the coffee table.
Rin: I'm almost here.
You stepped into the cold wind of the morning, wrapping the grey cardigan that Sae had got you in Spain around you. As usual, the skies were grey and it would be the only daylight until it got darker after 3pm.
You took the pathway across the estate, legs tingling from both cold and nerves. You couldn't help but worry, now that Rin was on his way.
When you'd seen Rin in the locker room after the match, he looked dejected, with his head hung low. Not to mention, how heartbroken he seemed on the pitch, when Sae briefly spoke to him after the game had finished.
It was hard for you to walk away that day, because you saw yourself in Rin.
You never had a sibling or anything close to one, but you remembered being his age not long ago. You were surrounded by other children in the orphanage and you still felt alone, much like how you'd seen him in the canteen with his Blue Lock teammates.
Sae also puzzled you too, in a different way.
Despite that, there was the risk of Sae finding out.
When you'd first began working here, inviting someone over to Sae's house wasn't in the question, not after the rules he'd given you. Let alone inviting his younger brother that Sae didn't speak to anymore.
You reached the small gate and punched in the code to open the gate.
It wasn't like you were going to stir the pot. None of wanting to comfort Rin had anything to do with what Sae had told you in Valencia, where he deemed Rin to be pathetic or too emotional. After all, you'd arranged to meet with Rin before you went to Spain.
You already stuck your nose into Sae's business every time you hung onto his vague words, or how you'd researched him, but you couldn't fathom doing anything malicious with that.
The dynamic between you and Sae felt calmer due to the trip to Spain, but the closeness from the week ago couldn't be replicated when you were back to working. And when you knew you wouldn't be here for much longer.
Regardless, any trust Sae felt towards you would be severed if he found out you were speaking with Rin. There was also the chance of pulling the brothers apart even further, which could be all your fault.
Still, maybe it wasn't so bad to meet with Rin now, when your job was already halfway out the door anyway, as opposed to when you'd first started working here.
Gone were the conversations where you'd gotten something deeper than the hard exterior Sae showed the world, or when you'd woken up in his warmth wrapped around you.
A dark-haired figure emerged from the road, snapping you out of your thoughts.
Itoshi Rin was bundled up in a bright blue scarf, wrapped around his neck. His black trench coat and black trousers matched, with a white sweater under his scarf. His dark hair had grown in length, the tips falling into his eyes as they blew in the wind.
He neared to the other side of the open gate. Only now did you notice he was taller than his brother. You'd stood beside Sae enough now to realize this.
"Hi, Rin. I'm glad you could make it," you spoke, with a polite smile. "Did you take a taxi here?"
He gave a slow nod in greeting and at your question. "I walked the rest."
"They don't always come down here," you responded, shaking your head. "You can come in. It's very cold."
Rin's breath released in a small cloud as he slightly shivered. The weather worsened since you'd returned to Japan, and it wasn't just you adjusting back to the weather here after the fairly chill cold in Spain.
As you both walked across the estate and to the house, you couldn't help but compare his silence to his brother's. You told yourself to not constantly compare them and you knew it was strange to compare something like aimless. But after the time you'd spent with Sae, your observations of the two were already different.
Rin, at least now, was reserved and almost hesitant. After all, he'd never come to Sae's house before. He may have found it shocking not because of the size of the estate, but because it was where his brother resided.
Sae's silence felt purposeful. Daunting, to you at least, as if he were observing and examining. You couldn't help it, your boss was an intimidating man, even if you'd viewed most men as intimidating.
Rin's head turned to the fields and small gradients of wet grass, as well as the many garages in the near distance.
And much like his brother, you couldn't decipher what Rin was thinking of it all.
When you reached the house, you both stepped out of your shoes and you took his coat to hang up, the warm of the heating engulfing you in. Rin's eyes stilled on Sae's trophies in the foyer.
"Just this way," you spoke gently, making him glance away from the cabinet.
Slow footsteps followed behind you, down the hall. The scent of fresh treats filled the air of the living room before he saw them.
Fresh dango, pastries and fruit were arranged on a few plates. It wasn't much, so at least you'd end up finishing them and rid of the evidence before Sae saw.
As you glanced at the table, you suddenly remembered-
"I left the tea boiling. I'll be right back," you spoke hastily. "Please, sit where you would like."
You'd left the tea on low to boil before he came, but you didn't remember to turn it off before you went to meet him at the gate. You carefully carried the teapot over, a towel over the handle to not burn yourself.
Rin was sat on the couch when you went back into the living room, glancing at the painting on the wall.
Aside from the trophy cabinet in the foyer, there was nothing personal to Sae displayed in the house. No photos whatsoever, even in his office. Instead, there were a few paintings and photos of landscapes.
The painting on the wall was of two large sea waves angrily clashing and curling.
Rin looked away as you entered.
"Sorry about that," you spoke, sheepishly. You carefully positioned his mug and filled it with tea, immediately steaming the air. "It's really hot, I just took it off of the stove."
You filled your own mug, before pulling a chair to the table, opposite the couch. He'd taken off his blue scarf and placed it beside him.
"Please, help yourself," you added, gesturing to the table of treats.
He passively stared at the table. You felt it was a tad more easier to talk to him than Sae, since Rin was younger than you, but he seemed far more quieter.
You were relieved that he lifted his mug, gently blowing before taking a small sip. You noticed the silver ring on his finger, similar to the one Sae had as a family heirloom he'd bought himself.
"Thank you for coming here," you said. "You have time off of training?"
He nodded. "I went home for the week."
You still didn't know too much about the Blue Lock programme, but it was concerning that they had to live at the training facility. What about school? They had to make big sacrifices for the small chance of soccer.
You nodded slowly. in response. "That's good…"
The air wasn't awkward, but hesitant, as you avoided the elephant in the room, or rather, surrounding you, since you were in Sae's house.
"You said that you and Sae had a few issues, before," he started, his voice deep and quiet. "Is it still the case?"
You recalled yours and Sae's encounters, before you'd said that to Rin in the locker room.
Of course, you tried your best not to cross Sae when you first began to work for him, and issues still arose. Things had slightly changed since you'd broke the china cup and cried. Even before that, he'd done things far kinder than anyone you'd known before, like when he'd found you in the rainstorm and drove you home.
It seemed like he wanted someone's company when he'd invited you to the fundraiser, or even something as simple as going for a walk together around the area.
There were other things he'd done for you then too, that felt like he was kind to you, and not just anyone. For example, when he'd let you sleep in his car with the heat on and how he'd made sure you were comfortable, instead of waking you.
As it neared to match day, Sae understandably became distant and you saw less of him. Yet, you could not help but feel his absence full-force.
"No," you replied, with a shake of your head. "Not…between us."
Since then, it seemed Spain had relaxed Sae. As for you, well…
There was the issue with you needing to leave this job, which Sae had yet to acknowledge. You did have interviews to attend, but you weren't sure when the starting date of a new job would be, if you'd need to move out of Sae's estate before then. Still, you didn't want to bombard Sae with your own concerns when he was busy with moving back to the other side of the planet.
"At the time…I'd only been working here for a few months and he confused me greatly," you added, as you recalled your life here. Maybe it would be easier for Rin if you told him a bit about yourself and your experience here.
Rin's dark brows contorted slightly. He must have been considering just how confusing Sae would be to his housekeeper of all people, or maybe Rin would begin to realize that from your perspective, you didn't always feel like simply a housekeeper.
"The work here was mostly smooth, but…Sae is complex, as much as he is complicated," you continued, wrapping a hand around your warm mug as you tried to explain. "There were times I felt like he hated me. Now, I feel he tolerates me, or that he'd reflected on things."
I called you my servant. I was out of line. I apologize.
You took a sip of your tea, hoping it would rid of Sae's voice in your mind.
The Adam's apple bobbed in Rin's throat, as something like recognition flickered in his bright eyes. "I'm not sure that is my brother."
"Why's that?" you asked.
"He doesn't reflect, because I'm not sure he makes mistakes," Rin spoke. His voice wasn't confident, rather, defeated - like it was simply a cruel fact.
"He is still human, after all," you spoke hesitantly, because you didn't know Sae as well as Rin did.
You chewed on a ball of dango, as you realised your words went against the anxious thoughts in your head - but then again, that was all they were.
"I can't get him to the point of tolerance," Rin spoke, "As much as I try to prove him wrong."
"You did prove him wrong," you spoke softly. Rin had scored a goal and played excellently till the end.
"Isagi Yoichi proved him wrong," Rin replied. His voice was harsh and cold, although his downcast eyes wavered.
"Someone was bound to score the winning goal," you reasoned.
You knew nothing about soccer, but it seemed to be a fact of most team-orientated sports. Still, you hoped it didn't seem like you weren't understanding Rin's frustration.
"I can't be the best striker in the world, if I cannot score the winning goal." Rin's words sounded smaller than before.
You set down the dango, in thought. "Is that your dream?"
"It was our dream."
"What changed?"
"The night that Sae returned from Spain, he said he changed his dream. That he wanted to be the best midfielder in the world, and that there are better players in the world than him," Rin recalled.
A true striker is born, not made.
When Sae had told you he'd traveled and seen the best players in the world, and that he still thought Rin was better, you didn't consider that was also the end of Sae's dream.
Rather, Sae believed Rin was more capable of succeeding than him, despite Sae's skills. After all, he'd stayed back in Japan when he'd seen Rin on screen, regarding the Blue Lock programme.
It seemed, in Sae's eyes, the U-20s vs Blue Lock match was Rin's last chance to prove his dream to his older brother.
You felt Sae wanted Rin to succeed, but didn't know how to go about expressing that after they fell out.
"Do you know why he felt that way?" you asked.
Rin shook his head, keeping his eyes to his mug in front of him. "No. It doesn't make sense. because he's better than me in every way. We had a one-on-one that night and he beat me easily."
It seemed to Rin, that there was no point in him being a striker, if Sae was not chasing the same dream either.
Their skills were similar, but they did not entirely align. You weren't sure if it was because of the state of Japanese soccer, as Sae believed, or if it was because Rin could only succeed with his brother's support. Spite did not always work on those with love in their heart.
"Maybe…it's not just about skill," you began. "But also drive."
Rin's jaw clenched slightly. "My drive…came from sharing the dream with him."
It was clear as day. Rin did not hate Sae at all. There didn't seem to be anything in him that could despise his older brother.
"What else happened?" you asked softly. "After he came back from Spain."
"He said he doesn't need me in his life anymore. He went back to Madrid shortly after, and we didn't see each other for about a year," Rin spoke, shaking his head as he recalled the estranged relationship. "Until the U-20s match."
"You hadn't…spoken to each other until then?"
"The first time he spoke to me was on the pitch."
Your heart pounded like cicadas, harsh and drilling.
Like you'd said to Rin in the locker room, that proved to you that this had reached points beyond football. Sae had torn their relationship apart.
"I'm sorry, Rin."
He shook his head. "It's just what happened."
You both fell into silence for a few seconds, letting the words simmer.
"You looked like you needed someone," you started quietly, beginning to explain your interest in this. "I may have not known what happened between you and him, but I…I get how he is. Or was."
"You say that, as if he changed."
You pressed your lips together, not knowing what to say.
It was true that Sae had changed towards you, and perhaps he never disliked you in the first place. But your experience was far different than Rin's.
What was more complicated than two estranged siblings?
You didn't mention Sae again, not wanting Rin's shoulders to slump any further. You asked him about Blue Lock and you both ate some of the treats, before he left around midday.
You'd offered if he wanted to come back again, that tomorrow or the next day would be fine - you were sure Sae wouldn't be home again. Rin told you that he'd let you know.
In the evening, Sae came home and you'd served dinner, before you went upstairs to sort a load of laundry. You usually folded the clothes in the laundry room, straight out of the dryer, but you were busy talking with Rin today.
You unloaded the basket of laundry on your bed, leaving your bedroom door open while you folded and sorted the clothes, in case Sae saw and thought you were being lazy before your shift ended.
Admittedly, you'd been washing yours and Sae's clothes together since it was enough to fill the huge washing machine. It was more convenient. You were especially glad that Sae didn't do the laundry, because you weren't sure what you'd do if he found your underwear mixed with his clothes.
While you folded, you recalled your conversation with Rin.
Sae was complex, as you'd said, and Rin was also the same. From a young age, he wanted to succeed beside Sae, rather than surpass him.
Rin didn't seem to want to be better than Sae. It was commendable even if Rin could aim higher, because he loved his brother more than soccer.
If soccer was what it took for Sae to approve of Rin, then Rin had made it this far by hanging onto that possibility.
As if you summoned him by thought, the knock at the door made you jolt, as his presence usually did.
Sae leaned against the doorframe, wearing a white faux-turtleneck and with a hand behind his back. His magenta hair always popped when he wore white.
He'd never come into your room before, well, not when you were awake. He'd left the new coat and phone in your room while you were asleep that night, when you'd ran off crying.
Then again, you'd never left your door open like this either.
"How can I help?" you asked, surprised your voice stayed even.
He glanced at the laundry behind you for a moment. "Are you busy?"
You shook your head, relieved you'd already put your underwear away in your drawers before he saw them next to his clothes. "No, um…you can come in."
With a nod, he stepped in and revealed the small box that he'd held behind his back.
"Here," he said, holding it out to you.
Your eyebrows rose. What was this now?
You took the box. It was an assortment of loose tea leaves.
You blinked up from it, shocked. "For me?"
He nodded.
"You have already given me so much," you spoke, turning the box over to briefly read about the different types of tea. "Thank you, Sae."
"I just saw it today, in passing," he dismissed.
You gently smiled, with a shake of your head. Him buying you something in passing and remembering you, wasn't simply nothing. "I can't wait to try them. Thank you."
Silence fell between you for a moment, and Sae remained didn't leave the room just yet.
"You don't need to work in the evenings," he spoke, glancing to the laundry behind you again.
"Oh, I…I just forgot to do this in the day," you replied, lying through your teeth. Of course, you had met with Rin during the day.
Your nagging mind considered that Sae might have said that because he was going to let you go soon. If you worked less, then perhaps it would adapt you into not working at all, for when you'd leave him.
"Um…" you started, trying to ignore your anxious mind. He probably wondered what you were doing with him still stood there. You quickly turned around and folded the last few clothes of Sae's, before handing them to him in a neat pile.
He took them hesitantly. You instantly felt guilty, as if you were kicking him out.
He must have wondered what on earth was wrong with you, and why you were more skittish than usual.
You thought quick and picked up the box of tea again. "Do you want to…have some?"
You were a mess. You weren't in Spain, where it made sense to do things together, so offering to spend time with him without an excuse made no sense.
Just as he did in Spain, he nodded and agreed without fault.
Two cups of sencha sat between the two of you, at the kitchen island.
Today, you mirrored the two Itoshi brothers over tea. One felt like a therapy session and the other seemed to be an awkward caricature of casualness.
"It's really good," you spoke, referring to the steaming tea that you'd boiled.
"Good," Sae said. His wrist leaned on the table, as one of his large hands played with the ring on his middle finger. He didn't often wear his ring in Japan before, the family heirloom he'd bought himself, but he seemed to wear it since you'd gotten back from Spain. "I was going to give you a book, but I cannot find it. Have you finished Jane Eyre?"
You nodded, flattered that he'd specifically give you a book, like he was recommending it to you. "I have."
His eyebrows rose in surprise. "Already?"
You nodded again.
"And you say you haven't considered studying," he replied, making the corners of your lips turn up, as he referred to your conversation at Valencia's beach.
"I said I don't know what I would study," you recollected.
"Why? Do you simply not wish to?" he asked.
You bit your lip, in thought. "I don't think I'm made for…anything of the sort."
You didn't mean to sound self-deprecating. It was simply how you'd always felt. Studying in further education was a privilege you never felt like you had, nor did you have the mind for it when you'd worked tirelessly for years, even if you'd done fairly well in your final high school exams.
Your results weren't anything extraordinary, nor were they average either. Other students that had gotten similar grades to yours went to college. You didn't think it was entirely about grades, rather, if one had the opportunity to study further.
"Did you go to college, Sae?" you asked, although you believed you knew the answer.
He shook his head. "No."
"But, you are very…intelligent," you blurted, before averting your eyes.
You were starting to think your mind had a mouth of its own.
Amusement flickered over his face. "I don't think college makes you intelligent. Rather…you put intelligent ideas to use."
You paused. Was he calling you intelligent?
"I…" you started, but you weren't sure how to respond.
"But it isn't for everyone," his deep voice added.
Even if it was something you considered , it was too late to put college applications in anyway.
All you had to think about was your next job, if there would be another so soon.
"Sae…" you started softly, keeping your eyes to your sencha.
"Yes?" he said, but you didn't respond.
You stilled. You couldn't ask him about what would happen to your job now. It was your business and he had no responsibility or concern in where you'd end up next. You were grateful for the time you'd been here, and that was that.
"It's nothing."
His eyelashes flickered, as if he wanted to question you further, but he thankfully left it at that.
Rin messaged you the next day to ask if he could come over again. He seemed more relaxed than the day before. His blue scarf wasn't as tight around his neck. He hung his coat up himself and remembered the way to the living room.
You thought it was sad that he wasn't close to anyone in Blue Lock, because he viewed them as competition. You'd cherish these meetings even more knowing he could speak his mind with you.
"I was going to ask about your ring," you began, glancing to the silver around his ring finger. "Sae has a similar one."
"He posted it to me when he first went to Spain," Rin answered, straightening his finger so you could see it properly.
When Sae said it was a family heirloom he bought himself, it made more sense now. Him and Rin had matching rings that they both still wore to this day and seemingly without each other's knowledge.
"I always wondered if something happened to Sae in Spain," Rin added, at the mention of Spain. "If someone did something to him."
"I don't think…anything in particular happened. I went to Spain and he seemed fine. Better, even," you responded.
"You went to Spain with him?" he asked, slight shock evident in his tone.
You nodded shyly. "Last week."
His brows contorted, as if he were putting pieces together.
"Did he make you work there?" he asked.
"Surprisingly not," you replied.
Something flickered in his eyes. "Is there something between you and my brother?"
Your eyes widened, almost spitting out the tea. You quickly swallowed, before you could choke. "No, no."
Rin was blunt, but you didn't expect him to even care that you'd gone to Spain, let alone to ask that.
"You are both the same age," he added. "Aren't you?"
What was he suggesting?
You gave a slow nod. "We are."
"Why did you go to Spain, for just a week?" he asked, as if he was weighing the options.
You still weren't sure of the answer yourself. If it wasn't for work, what was it? Company? Surely, Sae could get company from anyone else.
"He needed to renew his contract with ReAl Madrid," you spoke. You weren't sure whether to add that Sae decided not to renew it there and then, and that he'd sign it another time with clauses of his own.
Rin retracted. "Right."
"I'm…" you started, "not sure why he invited me."
Rin shrugged slightly. "Maybe he just likes you."
You stilled, considering the words.
Like you…how?
One could argue Sae had done many things to show he liked you as a person, but the idea seemed impossible.
SAE'S POV
Sae closed his black umbrella, before stepping into the warm house. It was storming terribly and he'd parked his car in the garage; he wasn't planning to go out again tomorrow if the weather continued like this. He walked through the windy rain to the house, his umbrella threatening to turn inside out or snap.
You were already there at the door, your sheer presence relaxing all the irritation he'd felt from the weather.
Despite how he already felt the tension in his body unwind, he'd never told you that you needed to greet him every time he came home. You'd done it since your first day here. It sickened him if you felt like you had to do it, if some lowlife employer you'd had before demanded it, like how you'd said they'd conditioned you to constantly apologize or not to speak.
At least, these days, you seemed more relaxed yourself.
"Good evening," you greeted. "Dinner is ready, would you like it now?"
"Thank you. In a few minutes, yes," he answered.
You gave a nod, before excusing yourself.
He wanted to find the book he was going to give you. He was astonished that you'd already finished Jane Eyre.
Since you enjoyed classics, he wanted to give you North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell. It was the last classic he'd read. He wasn't sure if he left it somewhere in the house, like the living room.
He stepped out of his long coat and wet shoes, hanging his umbrella to dry, before heading to the living room to check. However, before he could begin searching, a blatant tangle of blue caught his eye.
It was a scarf on the sofa, that looked unbelievably familiar.
Sae lifted it, spreading the cotton material out on his fingers. The ring on his middle finger felt tight all of a sudden.
He brought the scarf to his nose, inhaling and transporting him to his childhood.
Lavender. Eucalyptus.
Bitter vetiver.
Walks home in the snow and off-track wanders along the bridge flashed in Sae's mind, where the scarf was wrapped around his younger brother's neck.
He didn't look back as he took the scarf to the kitchen. You were carefully ladling soup into a bowl.
"This scarf," he spoke, in case he was completely wrong and it didn't belong to who he thought it did.
You looked up, eyes widening at the clothing in his hand.
"My brother. Itoshi Rin," he began, slightly puzzled. "He was here, wasn't it?"
"Sae, I'm so sorry," you started, in a breath.
"Why was he here?" he demanded.
"I…he…" You were too shocked to explain under pressure, which wasn't anything new to Sae. He held it together, even if it made him grow impatient. "I met him…after the match against Blue Lock and I arranged to meet."
"Just how you met Oliver Aiku at the library?" he asked and immediately regretted it, with the way your face dropped.
"I just offered for Rin to talk, it wasn't…" You let out a helpless breath, as though there was no point in explaining. "It was my offer. He just seemed so upset."
"Is it your job to console my younger brother?" Sae asked.
Here he was, bottling it down to your job. As if he hadn't broken the rules as your boss ages ago.
You swallowed and shook your head, glancing to the floor as you answered in a whisper. "No."
"How many times have you met with him?" he asked.
"Twice," you answered, biting your lip. "Yesterday and today. It was the first time."
Your voice was so soft and small, as if you couldn't bare raising it at him.
Sae knew he'd ruined the bond with his brother, with his own cowardice of wanting to be a midfielder, under the excuse of Rin needing to find his own identity.
If Rin was anything like Sae, he would have used that against Sae. You and Rin were alike in that way, neither of you would hurt Sae.
"It is not your concern to meddle," he spoke, but he knew he had you wrong. He was refusing to listen, same as when he'd punished you when you'd met with Aiku. "You said you did not know anyone in this industry."
Your lips trembled and water fogged your eyes. A tear fell down your cheek. You wiped it away under your eyes, but more fell as you blinked rapidly.
Your sad eyes were even more hopeless and defeated. He swore to himself to not allow you to cry because of him again, and he'd made it worse.
It was the same look in Rin's eyes when Sae pushed him away and told him he was a pain in the ass of a little brother.
You have no value.
I don't need you in my life anymore.
If you keep behaving like you're my little brother, you will never surpass me.
Sae was accusing you of meddling with his life, like some obsessed fan would, instead of being the kind, rational, caring person you always were.
"Please, Sae," you whispered. "Really, I had met Rin that day. I didn't mean to meddle. I was just concerned."
"Why be concerned about someone you do not know?" he asked.
Because you were compassionate, and you were everything he was not.
You took in a breath from your mouth, as a light sob. "I'm so sorry."
Sae didn't know what else to say with your pleading. Frankly, he felt awful.
He took the scarf and walked out, leaving the house to head to the place he hadn't been to in seven years.
YOUR POV
You burst into tears, as soon as you heard the door slam.
You sat at a stool on the kitchen island, pressing your face to the cold table and wrapping your arms around your head as you sobbed. Hot tears wet your sleeves. You sniffled in attempt to stop your nose from blocking.
How could you be so stupid, over and over again?
You should have walked past Rin in the locker room that day, even if it would've filled you with guilt. It would be more bearable than how angry Sae was at you.
This was worse than when you'd met Aiku and understandably so.
You must have looked like you viewed Sae and Rin's relationship as entertainment. Sure, you'd been curious, but you wanted to understand Sae and Rin separately.
Is it your job to console my younger brother?
Why be concerned about someone you do not know?
There was no way Sae would keep you for the remaining time he was in Japan now. You'd disrespected his privacy and broken so many rules, and you'd disrespected his kindness towards you.
You had no idea where he'd gone, but you hoped he was okay.
You lifted your head, feeling dizzy from the amount of tears you'd cried. You wiped your eyes with your soaking sleeves, grabbing a tissue to blow your nose.
You sniffed, making sure another tear wouldn't fall, even if you felt it sting.
Your mind was going to explode.
So, you took your phone and messaged someone you knew would listen.
You immediately regretted leaving the house without your coat in the dark rainstorm. You could hear Sae's voice scolding you.
Water pelted down on you through your knit cardigan and uniform, while the wind pushed you from the edge of the road you stumbled through. It was pitch back even though it was early evening, typical of winter. Regardless, nothing made you feel worse than what you'd done.
You'd made it halfway, as you agreed, and a bright green sports car pulled beside you. Flashy and vivid, just like the man inside it, with his window down to call your name.
"Hey, hop in!" Aiku exclaimed. You reached for the door, but it slid up itself, similar to Sae's blue car he'd taken for the fundraiser.
You slid in and the door closed automatically, warming you into the heat of the car. He switched the dim light on inside and turned to you, concern evident in his hetero-chrome eyes. "You alright?"
Your hair was dripping and raindrops clung to your jaw. You were shivering, as water soaked through your clothes.
"Thank you, Aiku," you murmured. "I'm sorry to get your car wet."
"Don't be silly. But you didn't bring a coat?" he asked. The lack of teasing or cheekiness in Aiku's tone was clear that he knew something was up.
You shook your head. "I forgot."
"Here." He reached behind him, pulling a coat from the backseat. "Wear mine."
You were so cold and exhausted, that you couldn't even deny his kindness.
"Thank you," you said, leaning up to put on his dark blue coat. "And thank you for coming."
"Of course," he responded, earnestly. "Where do you wanna go?"
"I don't know," you mumbled, glancing at your lap.
It was silent for a few seconds, before Aiku spoke again, "I know somewhere. You hungry?"
You waited for Aiku to order for you in the cozy cafe he took you to, while you sat in a sofa chair near a lit fireplace to warm you up, in the corner of the room. You'd told him you couldn't be out for long, so he took you somewhere tucked away in the nearest town.
You'd lost your appetite, but you knew you needed to eat something this evening. You slowly took a bite from the cheesecake he'd gotten you, absently staring into the fire.
"Sure you don't need anything to dry off?" he asked.
You shook your head. Your hair was no longer dripping and soaking; his car's heat had reduced it to dampness, and the fire aided in drying you.
"Okay. You let me know if you need anything," he spoke, glancing at you warily before sipping his coffee.
You sniffed, already feeling a runny nose. "Thank you for coming. I'm sorry I ruined your evening and that this was so sudden. I know I haven't spoken to you in a while, it's my fault."
"Believe me, nothing's been going on since the match. Don't worry. We can catch up any time," he responded.
"Are you well?" you asked quietly.
"Of course. But you…" he started, tentatively. "Wanna tell me what's going on?"
You told him almost everything you could remember, that fed into your stress.
"That is a situation you got on your hands," Aiku spoke with an exhale. He gave a nod, leaning back as if he'd already solved it. "There is one big mistake that you've made."
You rose your eyebrows. You already knew what it was, you just needed to hear it from him.
"You blame yourself," he spoke, the flames of the fire slightly tinting the green tips of his hair orange.
That was…nothing near to what you expected. You thought he'd tell you that you shouldn't have been talking to Rin.
"But it's my fault," you replied, your voice small.
"Come on, sweetheart. Yes, I can see that you meeting with Rin could look confusing to Sae," Aiku began. "But did that bastard let you explain properly? He already came to his own conclusion."
"He is acting like a child. And believe me, many women have said that to me, so I know what it looks like," he continued. A small laugh left you in a breath, although a smile didn't reach your lips. "He's upset because you care. And I think that upset him from the beginning."
"What do you mean?" you asked, your brows contorting.
Aiku tilted his head slightly. "Think of it like this. You were willing to put yourself in a bad position for him, from the start. Like when you carried groceries home in the rainstorm and he'd found you," Aiku explained.
"He's my boss," you replied quietly. "It's what I'm meant to do."
He shook his head. "It's not just that. You act on your concern. He, on the other hand, shuts any feeling of concern away. You showed concern for Rin even though you didn't know him, the same way you did for Sae. I don't know exactly what Sae was thinking, but it's like he went mad because you did what he couldn't."
You let out a sigh, the steam of your hot chocolate ghosting your face.
Was it true?
Did you care too much?
"Do you think I made him uncomfortable?" you whispered.
"I think you made him feel. That's what makes him uncomfortable," Aiku replied.
You turned your gaze to the fire. "I'm not sure I am capable of that."
"You're more capable than you think. He'll realize his mistakes. Or, he's already realized them and he was too much of an idiot to admit to it," Aiku shrugged.
"I just…I'm more scared if I ruined everything between him and Rin," you spoke, sighing.
"Darling, he ruined it all, not you," said Aiku.
"But Sae might be angrier at Rin, because of me. I told him I was the one who asked Rin to meet, but he might still take it out on Rin," you added, blurting every worry out of your head.
"He needs to realize it's his mess he created. What did Rin even do?" Aiku scoffed.
You let out a breath. "I guess…I got scared because he's leaving forever and I won't work there anymore. I don't want him to hate me."
"You should be the one hating him. And you should care about yourself more," Aiku spoke, before adding, "What do you feel for him?"
"I don't know, Aiku. I really don't know what this feeling is," you whispered. It wasn't like you'd felt it before.
"I think I know it well," he spoke.
Neither of you named the feeling. You'd only make your head hurt even more if you mixed that word into this mess.
SAE'S POV
For the first time in seven years, Itoshi Sae stood at the front of the ivory house that contained his early childhood memories. The place hadn't changed. There were still a few small and thin sparse trees in front of the house, and the roofs were still stone grey. The windows were just as shiny and the house was just as wide as when he was a child.
He felt less impulsive as when he did when he got in his car and drove away from his house through the rainstorm.
For once, Sae needed to do the right thing.
The gate hadn't been locked yet, but no lights were on in the house, nor were there any cars parked outside. He stepped to the brown door, lowering his hood under the roof that shielded him from the rain. He pushed in the code to the door that luckily hadn't changed - his mother's birth year and month.
The house was dark and quiet when he walked in. He closed the door behind him and located the light switch on the wall from where he remembered, turning on the hallway light.
The furniture had changed in the living room, from what he could see of it from the door, and so had the feng shui.
He could set the scarf here and leave, if no one was here. He began to fold the blue material, until the creak of floorboards made him glance up.
"Nii-chan?"
Sae paused, the scarf tightening in his hands.
Itoshi Rin stood at the top of the stairs, bending slightly to see clearer.
Rin stepped down the stairs, quick but careful.
Before Sae knew it, his younger brother stood opposite him. Rin stood tall but not cautionary, unlike how they'd stood head-to-head in the match. He wore pyjamas and his dark green hair was slightly ruffled.
"You're here," Rin spoke, confused and quiet.
Sae said nothing and only held out the blue scarf.
Rin's eyebrows furrowed as recognition flickered in his eyes.
"It wasn't her fault," he affirmed.
Just one sentence proved that Rin was the younger brother Sae always knew, while Sae felt like a ghost of a person. Instead of yelling at Sae for never inviting Rin to his estate, he'd defended you instead.
"I know," Sae muttered. It was no one but Sae's fault.
Rin slowly took the folded scarf from Sae's hand, and Sae's eyes wavered at the shine on his finger.
When Sae had first got to Madrid at the age of thirteen, he'd been looking around for gifts to sent to his family. Him and Rin had never had anything matching.
Sae had bought two silver rings. They were plain, but thick and identical. They weren't too expensive, seeing as he was only young when he'd bought them and posted it to Rin. He'd never checked Rin's messages to see if he'd gotten the ring in the post.
"Your ring," Sae voiced, slightly frozen.
Rin folded his hand into a fist and put it by his side, hiding it from Sae's eyes. Sae unconsciously did the same to his, although he knew Rin had seen his.
"Kaa-san and Tou-san are out," Rin spoke lowly.
"When have I ever asked for them?" Sae said.
Rin should know this by now. Even on the night he'd come back from Madrid, Sae headed straight to the football pitch to see if Rin was there.
"There are things I should tell you," Sae began, getting to the point later than usual for him. "I cannot stay for long."
The Itoshi brothers next to each other in the dimly lit living room, where they had used to play with Rin's toys on the floor on weekend mornings, before they'd walked to the football pitch together. This time, they stared to the blank TV that was off.
"When I'd traveled around, it is true that there were players I could not beat," Sae stated, cutting into the white noise.
He heard Rin exhale through his nose, but he did not respond and allowed Sae to continue. Perhaps he was getting flashbacks to the night where Sae declared he wanted to be a midfielder.
"It is true that soccer is not conditional. You cannot be a striker because of me."
"Is that what you came here to say?" Rin asked, bluntly. Despite what Rin believed, Sae wasn't here to repeat that night.
"But it is false that me being your brother is conditional," Sae finished.
"What?"
Sae blinked slowly, the words feeling like venom on his tongue. "You cannot be my brother while I push you away and expect you to succeed. It's a mistake I heavily regret."
Rin was silent. One minute passed, then two.
Sae saw something in his peripheral and glanced down. Rin's hand shook slightly.
"You and I are different, and I have only realized it," Sae said, "Carelessly."
"Nii-chan, you confuse me," Rin muttered. His jaw was slightly clenched, though not out of anger.
"You are better than me. In all aspects," Sae finally admitted, taking a small breath as his heart sped. It was clear he wasn't talking about football.
"Did she tell you to say this?" Rin asked, in disbelief.
Sae shook his head gently. "She didn't get the chance."
Before he heedlessly misunderstood you.
"What happened?" Rin murmured.
"I was afraid. I was a coward," Sae spoke. "I hurt her, like I hurt you."
Sae reached out before Rin could flinch. He lightly pressed his hand to Rin's hair, gently stroking.
For a second, Sae was thirteen again, kneeling in the soft grass of his school's football pitch beside Rin.
That was awesome, Rin.
Play soccer with me.
You can be the second strongest player after me.
Rin glanced up, eyes wide, big and bright - the same way he'd looked up at Sae with awe and wonder as a child. The same way he'd looked at him at the end of the match when he thought Sae would acknowledge him.
"I won't fail to be your brother again, even if you cannot forgive me," Sae declared, lightly swallowing. "I will live with your hatred, the same way you did mine."
Rin's eyes shimmered with water but no tear fell, unlike your continuous tears earlier.
Rin hadn't given up, unlike his poor excuse of an older brother who'd changed his dream and broken Rin's. Even if he felt like it was too late, Sae needed to be half the man his younger brother was and get back home to you.
YOUR POV
Aiku dropped you off in front of the gates, refusing to let you walk back in the dark. The rain was calm for the moment, spitting tiny droplets instead. His bright green car lit up the road.
"Thank you for everything, Aiku," you spoke softly, bending to his open window.
"It's nothing, sweetheart. You tell me when you need me and I'm coming, no questions asked," he spoke.
You smiled gently. You would've probably cried yourself into passing out, if you didn't have Aiku. "Same goes to you. Really."
"You don't owe me anything. If that dickhead makes things worse, I'll spread rumors about him so embarrassing that he never returns," Aiku spoke and you lightly shook your head. "I'll get creative with it."
"I'll see you soon," you spoke. Even if you wouldn't work here anymore, you still wanted to keep in contact with Aiku.
"Keep me posted. Go inside before the rain gets worse," Aiku said, since you'd given him back his coat. "Bye, sweetheart."
"Bye, Aiku."
The house was dark and quiet when you walked in, just as you left it. You quietly shut the door, in case Sae was back. It was around seven o'clock, so you doubted he was asleep. Maybe he still wasn't home, or maybe he was in his room, not wanting to see you.
You slowly stepped to your room, making yourself scarce, and you showered the rainwater away.
It was early, but you'd make yourself even more sad if you stayed up to remember every word that was said earlier, so you turned the lights off and lay in bed until you fell asleep.
Disgusting eyes raked over you. Shamelessly up and down your body.
You were in the living room at your workplace. A house owned by a man in his fifties, with a wife away with friends for the day, and children that were away at boarding school. Him and his business partners filled the room with smoke, blinding you and making you cough.
"You didn't tell me you had a shiny new toy to play with," one of them said, making them all break out into dark chuckles as you quietly walked into the room.
"Haven't played with her just yet," your boss said, turning to you. His eyes ran over you again, in the short uniform he'd forced you and other female workers to wear. You wished you could cover yourself with the blanket folded the arm of the couch. "Have I?"
Your hands trembled as you placed the bottle of alcohol on the table front of them.
"I can tell it'll be a wild ride," another one chuckled, more smoke releasing from his cigar. His filthy hand brushed yours, as he took the bottle.
You needed a thousand showers from that alone, and it wouldn't be enough. No matter how much you'd scrub your skin red, you'd never feel clean again.
"Quiet out here and loud in the bedroom. You'll need to stuff her mouth shut."
Their words were all the same that you couldn't differentiate who said who anymore, as the smoke filled the room. You wished the room would set on fire with you in it, so you'd never need to be alive to hear such things again.
The room spun and smoke whitened the room, going to your lungs. The suits suddenly disappeared and you were relieved, despite your fall into unconsciousness.
Then, the call of your name echoed, louder and louder, until it blared in your eardrums.
Your eyes opened, with a loud gasp. You shot up, out of breath and sweating like you'd just ran a marathon. Tears fell from your eyes, trying to recover.
Something warm and gentle loosely held your hand.
Your eyes widened at the silhouette kneeling at your bed.
"S-Sae?" you spoke, through tears.
"Are you alright?" he asked. "You were screaming."
"I…"
You hoped this wasn't a dream.
If this was fake, then it would mean there was the possibility of going back to that room again. Or another room, with any man and the same crude words.
Sae stood up and your shaky hand tightened around his.
He paused. You couldn't see his face and he couldn't see yours, but you both knew what you wanted.
Warm arms wrapped around your shoulders, as you buried your face into his chest, breathing in the scent of men's shower gel. You tried to match his slow breathing.
Your heart pounded, trying to rid of the image of the room you'd been subjected to in the past, that the dream had recollected in detail. It felt as though you had eidetic memory for traumatic moments alone.
You held onto him and anything else that could keep you grounded, such as the roaring wind outside and what seemed to be the calmed rainstorm.
"I'm here," he muttered, a hand stroking your upper back as you caught your breath. "It was just a dream."
You settled slightly and pulled away after a while, glancing up to him.
"Do you want some water? I'll get it from downstairs," he offered.
You nodded. That would give you time to wake up.
Sae left the room to get the water.
You glanced at the time on the digital clock - 12am.
Suddenly everything came crashing down again, as you remembered everything from earlier. Your racing mind faded from the nightmare and returned to the worry of Sae.
You only got nightmares when you were incredibly distressed. Did it need to be something like that revisiting you?
He'd said you were screaming. Guilt took over your body, almost ridding you of the fear you'd felt moments ago. It wasn't too late, but he must've slept early if he had something to do tomorrow.
Sae wasn't a monster, not like the men in that room, to not check on you if you were screaming in the night. Still, he'd let you cling to him and he even hugged his arms around you, despite the mess you'd caused earlier.
You switched your lamp on, rubbing your face to rid of the grogginess.
Sae returned with the glass of water, handing it to you.
"Thank you," you whispered, swallowing the cold water down and refreshing your dry mouth. "Did I wake you?"
"I hadn't gone to sleep yet," he replied.
You gave a nod, looking at the duvet across your lap instead of his teal eyes. "Sorry for my noise."
It was only one of the many things to apologize for.
"Don't be. Do you want to go back to sleep?"
You shook your head. The nightmare had jolted you awake, and you felt too afraid to go back to sleep now.
"Can I sit?" he asked.
You nodded, and he sat at the edge of the bed. The air was uncomfortable for a multitude of reasons, yet you were glad he didn't leave. You sat in silence for a few minutes, staring into thin air.
"How do you feel?" he asked, his head turning to you.
"I'm okay," you whispered, not holding eye contact with him. "May we…talk?"
"If I can talk first," he replied, surprising you. "Actually, I wonder if I can show you something."
His eyelashes shadowed under his eye from the lamplight, blinking and waiting for your answer.
You gave a nod. Leaving your room right now was probably the best thing to do to rid of the shaken up feeling from the nightmare.
chapter 15
