maybe if anyone has some differing opinions, they could possibly comment ideas but
i don't think i'm like. a real animal. not one here
i feel like i'm in a box where i just know that everyone else treats me how they percieve me—nonhuman—and i think explaining the way people react to me can help identify my feeling
i'll just put down a bunch of stuff and see if, by the end of this yammering, i have some idea of what i am.
social dynamics . . .
the way people view me —
people who don't know me usually think i'm annoying, or they think i'm rude. i act different from normal people and apparently that's really obvious
people who know me somewhat will be more tolerant, beginning to learn the way i act. i've had a few people say i act like a cat, without me ever telling them about how i used to tell everyone i was a cat when i was younger which is... kind of distressing but also kind of cool.
people who are close to me usually embrace the strange mannerisms and can easily decipher the way i act. i try to be well-spoken, and i try to be kind, but i'm very reactive without realizing it. i'm easily outraged when i feel someone has been wronged, but less likely to do it when its me who has been wronged.
family feels like... a pack? a flock? some sort of group. i'm meant to be in a group. it feels right.
i'm definitely monogamous when it comes to lovers.
social expression —
expression with a tail that isn't there. a lot of it. i also have a sound effect for every event, less actual talking. when i want to i believe i can be very well-spoken, but it's hard when i'm emotional because i just get overwhelmed very easily. movements are a lot easier.
activities
nesting... nesting is definitely a thing. i can't sleep well if i feel like i'm in an open space.
preening... self care is something i really try to do. it's hard when i'm depressed or upset in any way, and i think that's just. human body stuff. but oh my what i would give to be able to just have the energy to get up and have a 5 hour routine.
biting... chewing on things brings joy. idk. it helps relieve stress.
singing... oh my. i love choir. i love music. yes.
... and i feel like i've gone nowhere. thoughts? </3
rambling about being otherkin and my experience with gender identity and sexuality !
(cw for possible derealization, slight mention of religion)
my gender and sexuality and self expression are all so directly connected that the only way i can describe it is having a kintype. i don't know if that's how other people use the term, but it's how i experience it.
it's how i've always been, and i don't think it'll ever change. i don't want it to change. i like being a strange thing that "normal" people probably won't like.
i enjoy the weird pronouns, they're fun and whimsical and they make me feel better about myself. no i don't consider myself human, and for the religious folk, no i don't consider myself an ACTUAL angel—i think it's alright for people to use that as an identity, but it just isn't mine fully. calling my kintype an angelthing is just the closest to how i feel.
it's confusing and soft and tries to be so gentle but also can't help but be kinda scary at times. made of love, and can't help it.
when talking about my kintype and the "shifts" some people experience, it's so strange. i've had the feeling of phantom limbs since as far back as i can remember. little thoughts in the back of my head like "i should have a tail." "my tail would be wagging now." "my tail would be between my legs right now."
i'm not fully convinced that this isn't just a normal part of childhood, but i've always just felt wrong body-wise. maybe that has something to do with being a woman and blah blah blah you know the drill. women aren't treated good, whatever.
i hate talking about it because it makes me sad, but i've just accepted it, and embracing that feeling of nonhumanity. i'll always be like this, i think.
i thought i'd grow out of it, but i've just grown into it. the feeling got stronger.
i'm with a pretty "normal" guy right now—he doesn't know much about all this stuff, he's fully human, but he still listens when i talk about it. i think it helps to have someone like that because it makes me feel like "wow. i'm not going crazy. i still exist and deserve love, even if i don't feel mentally or spiritually human/like a person."
i love him. he's so cool.
anyways, i guess i just wanted to yammer about all this because i only recently made a choice on what to label my experience as. it feels good to have a label, but i'm not sure it's the right one.
sorry for how wordy this is. i'm sure nobody's gonna read it, but it feels nice to scream into the void.
