in which you & Matt aren’t dating but aren’t supposed to be available to other people. your attachment to each other is borderline unhealthy and toxic, but somewhat addicting.
I've been in the same position I'm in currently about 500 times by now.
The position of disbelief, betrayal mixed with an uncomfortable amount of false hope. One can only take so much.
Matt and I aren’t together, at least not technically. A label on our entanglement was the least of my worries as of now.
I'ts about 7 p.m right now and i've been crying non stop for the past 2 hours. 2 hours of tears passed while Matt consistently blew up my phone with messages and calls.
He knows I know. He knows that I seen Maria post him on her snapchat story.
In the picture you can see that he was in her bed without a shirt on, laying peacefully between her legs as her hand was in his messy hair.
I wanted to throw up when I initially saw the post. Too many emotions clouding my mind making it impossible for me to decide what to do.
Matt and I were friends. With the occasional kisses and sex. We met 11 months ago and have been involved with each other ever since.
It started out as an innocent friendship. Until it became something far more serious and intense.
6 months into our friendship we had both mutually agreed while we were intoxicated to hookup. It didn't seem like a life altering choice at the time.
But it unfortunately was and now I've become someone I don't recognize. Someone who's willing to drop every ounce of self respect to keep a man in my life. Someone who's not afraid to betray herself for nothing but false promises.
After Matt and I had sex that one night while we were drunk, there was a big shift in our dynamic. He was more clingy, he became softer with me, but more possessive than anything.
And to tell you the truth I couldn't tell what his true intentions were.
We would stay up till sunrise talking about everything and anything you could think of. We would spend countless hours laughing with each other, holding each other.
He's in my camera roll more than my own parents. I became beyond attached to him. And he always made me feel like the feeling was mutual.
Even though there was no label to what we had, it felt like it. When the conversation of dating or hooking up with other people would ever be brought up, it would end in the same way.
Matt would hold onto me like I was his, stroking my hair ever so gently. "I don't want to share you with anyone" he would say. Anytime I would try to rebuttal he would quickly shut any argument I had down.
He didn't want me with anyone else. He wanted me selfishly all to himself. And anytime I mentioned that if I couldn't be with anyone else, that he couldn't either, he would agree.
But he never kept his word. I would always figure out he'd been with another girl. And it would hurt me more and more everytime.
I had got sick of the lies he would tell me. Sick of trying to see the good in him. Sick of putting him before myself.
Seeing Maria's post on snapchat today made something in me snap. Yeah it fucking hurt, and yeah I cried. But it made me want revenge, it made me want him to feel how I felt.
from matt: y/n answer me.
from matt: i'm sorry y/n plz answer. I can't lose you
from matt: please call me back. just talk to me
I read the messages and scoffed. He knew I was hurt, he knew that I would find out. The thing is this was a reoccurring event. If he was truly cared he wouldn't be getting with other girls in the first place.
I wanted to get revenge, so badly. But I didn't know how. I mean essentially I would just have to sleep with another person.
But that was the last thing I wanted to do. That was something I couldn't get myself to do no matter what.
Tears stream down my face, how could I just let this continue to happen to myself? How could I let him treat me like an option.
I look down at my phone to see him calling me. I debated answering, but I didn't. Instead I shut my phone off, feeling numb to the situation.
I had just waken up to a knock on my door. I swung my legs off my bed and walked to my apartment's front door, opening it just to be met with the man who made me cry myself to sleep.
"Leave" I said while rubbing my eyes, trying to fully wake myself. "No just let me talk to you" he said stepping towards me. "There's nothing to talk about" I said.
I was exhausted, I didn't want to deal with this right now. He stepped closer, closing the gap between our bodies before wrapping his arms around me. "I'm sorry" he said as he hugged onto me.
I didn't return the hug. Instead I just stood still, not able to move. Tears were bound to fall from my eyes. "Let me inside, yeah?" He said.
I let out a deep breath, one that was filled with heavy emotions. I let him inside and he followed me into my bedroom. I sat on my bed and stared down at the ground.
"I'm sorry y/n. I know I fucked up, I fucked up so bad. I never meant to hurt you" he said. I wanted to scream, cry and have him hold me all at the same time.
"You don't give a shit. You don't have anymore excuses, you just use me. I'm tired of this Mathew" I spoke. "You know I care, you take advantage of how deeply I care" I said, my voice cracking as hot tears fall from my eyes.
He grabbed onto my hand and squeezed it lightly. He listened carefully as I poured out my heart. Sadness was turning into anger quickly.
"How would you like it if I was getting fucked by random guys? Huh? How would you like it if I let-" I was starting to spiral before he interrupted.
"I know that your hurting, I know that. Don't run to other guys because of me. Don't do that" he said. "They don't care for you like I do. I don't want to lose you" he continued.
"Do you even hear yourself right now?" I snapped. "How could you even say something like that and then treat me like I'm one of your hoes" I said, my heart aching with every breath I took.
Matt grabbed onto my body, pulling me on top of him. He sat me in his lap and used his thumb to wipe away the tears I had. "Your not one of my hoes y/n" he said.
"You're the only girl I care about. The only one who makes me feel like me. The only one who matters" he said staring into my teary eyes.
"I'll get my shit together for you" he spoke. It was hard to stay mad at him when he talked like this. It was hard for me to stand firm on my words, boundaries and self respect when it came to him.
He used his thumb to brush my bottom lip as his eyes flickered from mine to my lips. "I can't lose you" he whispered. It always seemed like he was meaning what he said in the moment.
He leaned in to kiss me and when our lips met my body felt at ease. With our lips pressed together, our bodies moved naturally against one another.
"Your my girl, nobody else's" he said as his hands ran all over my body.
It'd been 3 days since I last saw Matt. He was coming over tonight after telling him that we need to talk.
I planned on telling him that if he kept sleeping with other girls I would leave him. I would drop everything between us and start over with someone else.
Although this needed to happen, I didn't want it to. I didn't want to let go of him even though there's a high possibility that I'm going to have to.
I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him and everything we had. It was a sad reality.
Love isn't logical, it never has been. Separating feelings and logic was something I found to be quite difficult. But even at my most deluded times I've known the difference between right and wrong.
And what Matt was doing, essentially using me for his own selfish benefit, was wrong. It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize that the people you care about the most, are the ones who are most willing to take you for granted.
It's hard coming to terms with such things like betrayal and heartbreak. And it wouldn't be necessarily if Matt gets his shit together.
But I've already been subconsciously preparing myself to lose the one thing I thought was real. To lose the one person, the one soul who I crave to be with forever.
"I need you to know that I care so deeply about you" I said. Matt was sitting on my bed next to me. He looked anxious which wasn't a normal thing for him.
"If your not going to change for me, let me know. Because I refuse to let myself spend more time on someone who couldn't give less of a fuck" I continued.
I was being more than serious. And it was the first time I seen him look somewhat scared. He could tell that this was either going to be the last time we saw each other or the beginning of something real.
"What do you need me to do my love" he said as he held onto my hand. "I need you to say something and mean it, I need you to tell me if what we have is worth losing" I said.
"I never want to lose you, ever" he spoke. "Do you understand that if you keep sleeping with other girls, or even entertain other girls, I will leave everything we have behind" I said assertively.
He nodded his head at my words, staying silent for a moment before grabbing onto me. "Let me hold you" he said pulling me into him.
We laid with each other, time being forgotten as we stared into each others eyes. "Being with you is something that I'll always cherish" he said.
"Nobody is able to reach my heart except you. Your the one that has the key to it, your the one who makes me feel like a real human" he said as he rubbed his hand up and down my back.
"I've never felt something as real as your love before" he continued.
He was on the verge of expressing more of his feelings before he got cut off by his phone ringing. He grabbed his phone like it was instinct, and my stomach dropped when I saw the caller ID.
It was Maria that was calling him, and by the way it's 2 am. Nobody calls at 2 am with any other intention but late night sex.
I pulled out of his arms, creating physcial distance between us. "I'm sorry I dont know why she's calling right now I just-" I interrupted his failed attempts at making an excuse.
"You can fucking answer her Mathew. Go ahead and answer her. You can actually go to her house right now, nobodys fucking stopping you" I snapped.
"It's not like that y/n. i'll block her right now if you want me to" he said. "Let me see your phone" I demanded. "What?" he said more confused than ever.
"Let me see your phone" I repeated. He gave me a look of defeat. He knew that what I was about to see on his phone would destroy me.
"Y/n" he said. "Give it to me" I demanded once again. He looked up at the ceiling as if he was saying a prayer in his head before handing me his phone.
I was sick at what I was seeing to say the least. He practically only had girls on his phone. He was texting them all, saving nudes in his phone, saying he cared about them like he did with me.
Even though what he was texting to them was far more surface level compared to what we would text and talk about, it didn't change the fact that he was still entertaining them.
I scrolled through tons of messages, sexts, and meaningless connections he had with the girls. I came across our messages, seeing my contact in his phone as "my love" made every emotion I felt sting.
Tears were running down my cheek as Matt watched me scroll and scroll through his phone. I threw the phone at him when I reached Maria and his messages.
He had texted her an hour before coming to my house, saying he missed her and couldn't wait to feel her again.
I was so sick, so tired and hurt. "I fucking hate you" I said with my voice trembling. He quickly grabbed onto me with a firm grip, wrapping his arms around me.
"I know my love, I hate me too" he whispered. "Let go of me" I said, body weak, mind clouded with pain. "No" he responded. "You need to listen, okay?" he said.
I didn't want to listen to whatever bullshit excuses he was going to try and feed me. I didn't want to. But I did.
"Those girls don't mean anything to me. None of them, I promise you. I'll delete them all right now, I swear" he said. "I'll drop everything if it means that I get to keep you" he continued.
I shook my head, not responding with words. "You mean so much to me y/n. All of those text and all of those girls were before tonight. Tonight is different, okay?" he said.
"Tonight we're in this for real, it's just you and me like how it's supposed to be. Your more than a hookup, or a late night text. Just please, let me show you how much you mean to me" he pleaded.
He grabbed onto my jaw, forcing me to look at him. I would like to think I had more control over my emotions. I would like to believe that I wouldn't give in so easily.
But it was never like that with Matt. I gave into him, effortlessly, like it was habitual. Which it was.
"I hate seeing you cry" he says, and even if he was lying I let myself believe it for the time being. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me like he's done many times now.
"Just need to hold you" he said. Being held by him was something I always loved, deeply.
There were times I had got depressed, not wanting to leave my room for weeks. I would isolate from everyone, and even when I tried to push Matt away during those times he wouldn't budge. He would show up at my house just to hold me while I would cry.
He would hold me for hours. The only difference between him holding me now vs back then, is that the reason I'm crying is because of him.
He was like the human form of addiction. I was addicted to him and his bullshit. And with him being my choice of drug, I needed to get sober.
"Can't lose you" he said before leaning in to kiss my lips. Being kissed by him was one of my favorite feelings. It was indescribable, the feeling of his lips on mine.
"I want you to feel better" he said before kissing me again. Matt knew that him kissing me during times like this eased the intensity of overwhelming emotions.
And every time I kissed him back, his body would become more relaxed. It's almost as if me kissing him eased the intensity of his overwhelming emotions as well.
It was a love and hate thing, with uncertainty and deep attachment involved.
He stroked my hair; it was soothing more than anything. "So we're for real now then, right?" I said. He nodded his head and gave a reassuring smile.
"I swear" he spoke, kissing my forehead softly.
There hasn't been a single day where Matt and I have been separated for more than a few hours. He was attached to my hip, only leaving my apartment when he had errands to run with his brothers.
There was a new energy between us. One that I didn't fully trust yet, one that said things between us were more serious.
As time passed, I slipped, I let myself believe that this was real. That he meant what he said when he said he didn't want to lose me.
He had spent every day with me, slept with me, showered with me. FOR DAYS.
Only to find out the times he left my apartment “to run errands with his brothers", was actually to go to another girl's house.
I did what any girl would do in my position. When he was in the bathroom showering, he mistakenly left his phone in my room.
I went through all of his social media first, not a single recent message from any girl. I was relieved, until I went to his regular messages.
He had been texting Maria, telling her not to post him on her story. She had questioned why, and his response was short and disgusting.
"Can't post the pictures or videos anyways, not when we were naked in them :)"
I felt anger, sadness, so much of it that it consumed every breath I took.
Matt walked into my bedroom, shocked when he seen his phone in my hand.
"Y/n" he said, tears were already pouring out of my eyes. As much as I was deeply hurt and sad, anger radiated off me more than anything.
"Get the fuck out!" I yelled, tossing his phone at him. He walked towards me slowly, his face plastered with an unreadable expression.
"I'm sorry" he said as he sat next to me on the bed. "No get out Matt. I'm serious" I said, voice cracking mid sentence.
I couldn't take this, this hurt more than any actual physical pain I felt. He tried to grab onto my hand and I stood up from my bed quickly. "Get the fuck out!" I shouted.
His face faltered, like he knew this was the end. The end of us, the end of something that should have never began.
He stood up from my bed and tried to step closer to me, but I backed away instantly. "You don't get to pretend like you give a fuck Mathew. You have no more chances" I said, wiping the tears from my face.
"Get your shit and get out" I said, pain and anger seething in my words. He grabbed his phone off my bed. I walked out into my living room, not wanting to see his face.
He followed behind me, nothing but harsh silence in the air. I watched as he put his shoes on.
It was hitting me hard in this moment. Knowing I wasn't going to see him again wasn't something I was ready for. I pushed down every feeling I had, I was done with him for real this time.
Matt stepped closer to me as I sat on my living room couch. "Listen to me" he said. "I know that your hurt, I know that you wanted this to work out. And believe it or not I did too" he spoke.
"I wish I could of been better for you. I really do. But I want you to know that every day, and every night I'll think of you. I'll pray you'll be safe. That you find someone who treats you good" he continued.
His words were making my body vibrate with heavy emotions, emotions too big to carry in a singular body. This was really happening, right here, right now.
"For what it's worth, I really am sorry. Your love was something I abused. And I'll never forgive myself for it" he said, and that was first time he seemed to look like he actually believed the words that were coming out of his own mouth.
"Be safe y/n. I'll carry a piece of you with me everywhere I go" he said before giving me a look, a look that said goodbye without having to say the actual words.
He walked out of my apartment, and as he shut the door behind him I broke down. Every single part of me that I tried to hold together, fell apart within seconds.
I walked to my bedroom, grabbing my phone. A message from Matt appeared.
I violently sobbed as I stared at the message. Anger flashed over me once again. Love wasn't this, love wasn't what we had. This was far from love.
I wiped the tears from my eyes once again, blocking his contact. I continued to block him on every social media that we followed each other on.
I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling. He would become a distant memory, someone who would be forgotten overtime. At least I hoped.
"I wish I was better for you", his words repeated in my head.
He wished he was better for me.
But his wish would never come true.
