#anime het hell

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cu was... the Worst chuuni in middle school. claims hes a descendant of the ancient gods. baz is in the same year but a different class & huffs whenever he’s boasting during lunch but listens in on him going off about how he totally knows how to wield a wide range of bladed weapons anyway. one day she gets into a fight with a bunch of older kids bc she accidentally disturbed their football game or what fucking ever & cu tries to swoop in & save the day but by the time he got there baz was already kicking ass with her several junior boxing champion trophies and they both got detention and thats how they became friends

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bazett is a distinguished scholar in celt mythology who upon reading a newly discovered ulster text finds out it is some incantation to “revive cu chulainn so that in the time of greatest need he can protect ulster once more” and after reading it out loud she makes the following groundbreaking discoveries:

magic is still very much real in this au

there is a demigod in her office

in full ancient irish battle gear

he thinks he’s been called upon to fight and is already swinging his weapon

he does not seem to speak modern irish and is instead yelling in ye olde gaelic

the texts that survived to this day are incredibly wrong about his hair colour

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hakuno can’t fucking take archer anywhere bc he keeps being like “are you checking out my gf?? huh???” and when the other’s like no sir i wasn’t sir he’s like “why not??? you think my gf isn’t worth checking out??????” he’s horrible don’t date him

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literally how am I supposed to decide on whos gonna try to resurrect who in a cubaz necromancy au. fighting for the title of “most likely to attempt to resurrect the other” in the one corner we have cu “canonically solod the holy grail war without master just to avenge bazett’s death in at least 1 timeline” chulainn who may claim he’s over it as much as he likes but there is only so much ignoring your bad feelings you can do before it leads to even worse ideas and he’s starting to get real fucking tired of everyone he loves dying. in the other we have bazett “already kind of necromanced cu chulainn in canon” fraga “only the living can bring back the dead” mcremitz who holds on to the tiniest stupidest hopes and with how often life spat in her face right as things started looking up for her it’s about time she insulted it back. for the title of “most likely to die and cause the other to attempt to resurrect them” we have cu “literally lived his life with the intention of dying young” chulainn versus bazett “working the magic world’s most dangerous job for the Validation” fraga mcremitz. how am I supposed to just pick one when they both make incredibly bad choices all of the time.

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CONTINUING ME TALKING ABT CUBAZ BEAUTY & THE BEAST AUS: bazett works for some nondescript governmental office but nobody there likes her really and they kind of want her gone so they keep sending her on shit jobs nobody else wants to take with the most recent & absolutely most outrageous one being sending her to this one place in the middle of fuck nowhere in the woods rumored to be inhabited by a horrifying monster with several missing person cases on its name. best case she takes care of this tax evasion case nobody else wanted to do because despite laughing it off as mere superstitions they need to be paid at least 500% more before they set foot in that place. worst case she’s added to the missing person list and they never have to deal with her again. they really don’t care which one it is.

cu chulainn, meanwhile, is referred to only as “the hound” by the locals. of COURSE there’s a small village on the edge of the woods and of course they’re all scared to death by the sounds that sometimes come from the woods at night and only sound like normal wolves if you layer on the denial real thick. what they’ll tell you after some light prodding is that the castle way deep in there used to have a prince living in it but he got cursed to become a monster, and now you can sometimes hear him howling at night. what they’ll tell only after a lot of prodding and several alcoholic bribes (because they’d rather not think about it) is that the prince chose to have that curse placed on him. “what kind of person asks to become a monster?” the man at the bar slurs. bazett has no answer but thanks him for the information. she heads out for the castle the next morning.

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good post before I go to bed: jupiter ascending but it’s cubaz

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fate/unlimited codes lancer route

cu: bazett is dead so I’m going on a suicidal rampage to kill every servant in this war and then my new master kirei: but why cu: she’s pretty much 80% of my impulse control

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baz gets so incredibly hung up on cu’s hair colour. “why is your hair blue?” she barely manages to keep herself from asking when he’s summoned. “why is it blue?” she thinks to herself on the regular the following days. the texts said it was brown, why is it blue? she laments silently at night. like 10 years later she lies awake in bed and finally asks “why is your hair blue?” and cu next to her replies “I don’t know, why wouldn’t it be, it’s like 3am please go to sleep”