Kinda, Sorta, Broken Inside
It’s funny what can trigger a realization, the things that bring about that moment of clarity when you take a long hard look at yourself and see things you might have hidden from yourself.
It’s been over two months now, and something that happened that has had a profound impact on me. I didn't deal with it, I haven’t really accepted it, and I realize now I did what i generally do in those times when something goes horribly wrong. I buried it, I walled it off, and I tried to push it out of mind and just let it sit in the back of my mind and slowly solidify into a black mass of emotions rather than letting it all out in the open and fight my way through it.
I haven’t been all right in quite awhile, and I've made a share of mistakes over that period of time. Moody, dark, saying stupid shit to friends, and people I care about, and just generally being useless and letting things just kinda slide beyond procrastination to the realms of just sheer refusal to pull myself up and get things done.
It’s been over two months since K passed away and I haven’t dealt with it, I haven’t let myself really accept it or allowed myself to feel it. Sure I shed some tears initially but not nearly long enough and didn't vent the feelings that have been coiled up inside me; corrupting my mood and turning me ever surely into a raging jackass at times.
The events of the last couple days have brought things to a boiling point and I felt something snap inside me. That cold hard thrust of reality has lanced right through my head and exposed the raw nerves I've tried so very hard to conceal from myself.
I can hear K in my head screaming at me to stop being an idiot and let myself feel and deal with my own bullshit. Even though we didn’t have much contact over the last few years, After 32ish years of friendship, many times of it when we were thick as thieves she knew me better than I knew myself at times. I dishonour her memory acting the way I have. She’d be the first person to take me to task and tell me to drop shields and let the hurt, hurt.
So I must, I must let myself feel, burn, curse and cry. But also I need to apologize to several people for my behaviour or my words, my attitude at times, or my remoteness and retreat into ignorant silence. I'm very good at building a fort around myself, pulling up the draw bridge and filling the moat with sharpened stakes.
I'm also not very good at talking about my emotions, about my problems, and I sure as shit am not very good at letting people help me with anything. The only thing that has really kept me from cracking and going too far down the deep dark well is my children who I love unendingly, but the burdens of keeping my day brightened isn't theirs. I'm not protecting them by hiding my pains and emotions, I'm just continually hurting myself more and suffering in silence.
Time’s past, and I need deal with my shit, accept the pain, let it pass through me and move forward. I'm sorry for being a selfish jackass, I’m sorry for not talking to you guys, I'm sorry I can’t verbalize things. I can however write, and I should and can write, so here I am writing. I don’t expect anything, I just needed to... reveal myself, to expose myself to the universe and really to myself.
What’s broken can be fixed, it will take time, it will take work, but I know I can do it. But I might need some help along the way....
