01.05.2022, 3:47PM
Long time no see. So much and so little has happened at the same time, or so it seems. Some good and some … real bad.
The remainder of 2020 is kind of a blur, I can say that the COVID shut down was actually good for me, albeit short. It was good because I had time to actually heal, I was relieved from the daily grind, and I can honestly say that my anxiety and depression was more than manageable - dare I say, I actually felt good.
Then 2021 rolled around and I found myself in my head a lot and things were off between M and I. We had a couple of needed conversations and slowly things seemed to get better.
In August I found out I was pregnant again, and honestly … I didn’t know how to feel. A part of me was definitely excited but a lot of negativity crowded my mind, which I feel guilty for.
On November 18th, at 20 weeks, I went in for a routine check up and my daughter’s heartbeat was lost. I was devastated. Despite the negativity and struggling to attach. Deep down I had hope that this time would be different. The next day I gave birth to my sleeping girl, Ever.
A week later we lost Grimm. We had friend’s over that very night for “Friendsgiving.” Not to there fault, most asked about Grimm being gone before asking about Ever. That’s until my one friend, who is more sensitive, came late and was the only one to ask. We then took a moment to lay it out for everyone.
The holidays came and went, and we are already 5 days into the new year. And I am struggling. Seems as though I’m struggling more now than I was a few weeks ago. I know it’s still fresh, but … it’s hard. Especially looking towards the future. I try to tell myself not to worry about it but … how can I not?
So here I am, once again, heartbroken.