do you have any advice for long distance relationships? how has yours lasted so long and what do you do to stay so close all the time?
I do! I am in no way a professional, nor do I claim to be the best partner out there, not by a long shot, but my girlfriend and I have done long distance for nearly three years and this is some of the most important stuff that stood out to me, under the cut for organization purposes:
(Note: Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) require a huge amount of effort, patience, and emotional closeness between two people and might not be for everyone. My relationship is irreplaceable to me, and I’m choosing to share what works!)
Make plans together, set aside time for one another
Quality time is key in a long-distance relationship. Because the physical aspect is often spaced apart by huge time gaps, emotional bond is a huge part of what makes LDRs special and wonderful.
For example, my girlfriend and I often call after I have a shift at work or while she’s driving to school. I also keep her updated on parts of my day, and we often set aside time to do things together that just involve the two of us. Skype sleepovers, Minecraft sessions and writing parties have been staples in our relationship since we met. Keeping each other in regular parts of our day to day lives helps us feel connected and included, even when we can’t be there in person.
It probably sounds like simple advice but seriously, do things together often and have regular conversations. Video games (or a shared activity) help facilitate bonding when not much is going on to talk about.
affirmations bro, seriously
Anxiety is the side effect of long distance. It’s okay to be scared- scared of being apart for too long and things fading out, scared of being forgotten, scared of the separation itself, etc. The fear comes from an honest place, but whether it’s you or your partner who’s feeling it, try to be rational and avoid the impulsive urge to act on those fears.
Because of this anxiety, LDRs typically require more (and more regular) reassurance than usual. Remind them often that you love them, miss them, or are thinking about them. Comment on the little things they do that you like. Share songs, video links, and memes that remind you of them, or that you’d think they enjoy. Establish your place in each other’s lives over and over again. It takes a special person to be able to cope with the anxieties big and small that come with long distance, but when done right it is incredibly rewarding.
communication
Incredibly, crucially important. You cannot be passive-aggressive or miscommunicate in long distance. Have those tough emotional conversations, don’t be afraid to be honest when you’re angry or if something they’re doing isn’t helping you. You don’t have to resent on another. Instead, be understanding, be patient, and try to come to a place of agreement. The goal is not to break up with each other, neither wants that. Be blatant with what’s on your mind and remember that they love you.
Remember, it’s not you vs your partner. It’s you and them vs the problem.
establish boundaries
While regular interaction is important, like any other relationship your partner must not become the centre of your universe, or you theirs. Allow yourself and your partner to have other friends, spend time with family, and also have time to yourselves. You don’t need to always be talking.
Jealousy, possessiveness and feelings of exclusion are three risks when it comes to LDRs. Learn to be apart just as much as you learn to be together, and alternately, also remember to talk to your partner if you genuinely feel left out, forgotten or unwanted. Give each other space, reassure one another and build trust.
Boundaries also apply to the nuances of romance/sexuality. Your partner may or may not experience physical/sensual/sexual attraction in the same way that you do, meaning that your comfort zones could be on the same page or entirely different. Attraction and comfort can also fluctuate! Always make sure you’re both feeling comfortable and safe. Respect and understanding means so much in a relationship.
plan to meet one another eventually
Please note the key word here: eventually! I know that many LDRs face some crazy extenuating circumstances and meeting in person might be a long, possibly expensive way away. Make those plans anyway- whether an actual buy-a-plane-ticket-get-together plan or just the hypothetical.
When you’re so far apart, talking about what you’ll do once you can be together, what your first (or next) hug will be like, how excited you are to see each other one day, are all ways to keep that love and excitement alive whilst also subtly re-affirming the other’s place in your life. Like dude, it’s fun to even make a bucket list with all sorts of plans for what you can do when you meet.
Meeting in person is the best way to know whether you want to be together, and stay that way. There’s nothing wrong with planning it out!
don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind (aka just get it out there!!)
I would argue that this might be the most important thing. No matter what stage your relationship is at, learn to be vulnerable with one another and get used to being candid, especially romantically. This is especially important in LDRs.
It’s normal when you’re figuring things out to be afraid to say certain things or touch on certain topics because you’re flustered or nervous, but chances are they’re feeling the same things too. This could be anything from saying “I love you” when you want to, asking directly for something (“I kinda wish I could ___ with you”), to not holding back on compliments, needs, or voicing thoughts related to your partner. If you can manage it, say it.
If it makes you feel self-conscious, it’s probably a good thing to share! Not only can they help you work through it, but it’ll encourage you both to be totally comfortable expressing yourselves and your needs. In both the most innocent and more serious ways, learning to trust and be open with one another will be incredibly beneficial in the long run- it means you’ll be able to talk about anything. You have nothing to hide, they won’t judge you :’)
don’t let nsfw (if applicable) be a taboo thing!
Don’t be afraid or ashamed of anything you think or feel when it comes to yourself or your partner. Learn to be comfortable with expressing some of your thoughts and experiences, your likes and dislikes, and anything else with one another. Like everything else, this is a part of who you are and sexual/sensual experiences can be a shared conversation.
A good middle ground when you’re still breaking the ice in this sense is to let yourselves laugh about it. Don’t be shy- make those bad jokes, call each other out and ask risky questions! Like everything else, comfort is key. The less you have to hold back with one another, the more you can laugh and smile and joke where it helps, the more fun and enjoyable those initial moments will be.
And above all else, support your partner’s vulnerability! Certain topics may be harder for you or them. Accept their honesty and chime in with your own thoughts/ideas. It’ll be fun, I promise.
Just for general advice, I would say make even the little moments special. Make a big deal out of the little things, send each other birthday/christmas presents and love the shit out of each other. You can’t always hug or go on dates like an irl couple but keep in mind that the long distance isn’t forever. It’s a real relationship, don’t let anyone discourage it and remember why you chose your person in the first place. That’s the main thing probably? Do whatever feels best for you and your favourite person.
I don’t know how y’all survive this pandemic, I couldn’t do long distance. Mad props to both. I didn’t realize your girlfriend now is the same one you had before back in like 2018 so Wow
I honestly don’t find it hard? At least not in the way people think. She’s someone I can talk to about literally anything so we’re always communicating and calling in some way every day. She’s very much a part of my life as she’s always been and we know we’ll see each other again so there’s no real stress or worry. Just sucks that she’s not within hugging range you know?
plus, when we see each other again it’s going to be so nice that the whole wait is gonna be worth it :(
