in the end, i’d do it all again (and again, and again) MASTERPOST
summary: Phil felt like he was going to throw up, because he really didn’t like this. His head was spinning, probably not helped by the painkillers in his veins and the blood loss from just a few hours earlier. He could die trying for Dan’s second chance at life, or he could just walk away and put up with the loss like any other human being would have to.
It was reckless. It was stupid. It was self-destructive.
He knew he would regret it for the rest of his life if he missed this chance.
rating: mature (damn what thats so hardcore)
warnings will be posted with their corresponding chapters, but please note major character death/coma/afterlife are themes throughout!!!
one: stuck in the jet wash
two: definitely bit off more than i can chew
three: bad trip.
four: black banners raised
read it on ao3
if you want updates on this fic, track #idiaa on tumblr! i update really slowly so sorry in advance
in the end, i’d do it all again (and again, and again)
masterpost
summary: Phil felt like he was going to throw up, because he really didn’t like this. His head was spinning, probably not helped by the painkillers in his veins and the blood loss from just a few hours earlier. He could die trying for Dan's second chance at life, or he could just walk away and put up with the loss like any other human being would have to.
It was reckless. It was stupid. It was self-destructive.
He knew he would regret it for the rest of his life if he missed this chance.
rating: mature (damn what thats so hardcore)
warnings for this chapter: major character death, major character coma, hospital setting, discussion of religion and afterlife(?), blood mention, car crash implied.
please note that major character death/coma/afterlife are themes throughout!!!
Word count: 1.9K
[ao3]
warning: self-betaed oh no
chapter 1: stuck in the jet wash
A steady drone rang through Phil’s head, the flat tone cutting through his dreamless sleep abruptly and unpleasantly. He rolled over part way with a soft groan, reaching to his left in search of his phone to shut off what seemed to be the alarm.
After several seconds of confused arm-flailing in open air where his duvet should have been, Phil cracked one eye open. A blank white wall was just over two feet from his face, just close enough to reach out and touch if he tried. There was one problem, though, that Phil was quick to realize.
His bed wasn’t that close to the wall.
No, no it wasn’t, there should have been more room there, his bedside table, a spaaaaaace, then his dresser, so where was he?
The loud, steady noise went on. His head pounded and his ears rung, and he squeezed his eyes shut, just for a moment, before reopening them quickly. The wall was still there.
He pulled himself into a seated position with a groan, rubbing at his temples in an attempt to alleviate the relentless headache at least a bit.
He could see the room fully now that he was upright, but he immediately wished he hadn’t. He was on a clean, white plastic bed, with some sort of rail along the side and various plastic attachments Phil couldn’t identify with his muddled, half-asleep brain. Beside the bed was a variety of medical equipment, tubes, wires, and shelves of gauze bandages that really could only mean one thing. Phil sighed, closing his eyes again. What could he possibly have done to get sent to the hospital?
Having his eyes closed refocused his senses once again on the steady sound coming from somewhere in the room, and his stomach dropped. He’d seen enough crappy hospital dramas to know that the sound meant, but he was fine?
Phil was definitely still here and alive, breathing, thinking, and the only pain he could feel was his headache, so why was a machine saying he was dead?
“Yeah, you’re dying alright,” A cool, smooth voice spoke from one of the hard plastic visitors’ chairs. “Luckily for you, I just haven’t done anything about it yet.”
Phil whipped his head around to face the side of the room he hadn’t yet looked at, his blue eyes locking onto the figure seated opposite him. They were tall, dressed in a black jacket with far too many zips to be reasonable, hair swept to the side in a familiar fringe... “Dan?” He winced as his voice came out croakily, like it always did just after he woke up.
“Oh, is that who I look like to you, Phil?” he said with a laugh, “That’s just plain adorable, honestly. No wonder all those teenage girls think you’re dating. No, I’m not Dan.”
“But you-”
“Seriously, I’m not him. Come on, Phil, priorities. You’re dying.”
“I think I’m pretty obviously not, Dan, seriously? Why am I in the hospital? Did I fall down the stairs or something?”
Dan rolled his eyes, standing more quickly than Phil thought was humanly possible and leaning far too close to Phil’s face for comfort. “I really think you ought to listen to the things I say, Phil. If I say I’m not Dan, believe me, I’m not.” He smiled sweetly, his entire body shifting to a mass of shadows, formless and cold, and back again in a fraction of a second. Not-Dan’s eyes remained empty, the color of smoke.
Phil was silent, eyes wide in fear, head pressed back into his pillow as far as possible, away from the creature. “What- who are you?” He asked shakily.
“I don’t think humans have ever had a modern name for me, really, given that so few have met me and lived to tell it. Grim Reaper comes a bit close, I suppose, but I’m not all that grim, to be honest. Don’t suppose you’ve heard of the Ancient Greek myth Charon, have you? That’s probably my closest descriptor.”
Phil shook his head.
“Shame, really. Closest thing I ever got to recognition. For all you need to know, though, I’m the difference between life and death. The cab driver to hell, if you will. I appear after someone’s died, in the form of their closest loved one they had during their life as not to scare them off, and take them to what they think will be whatever afterlife they may believe in. You, though, you’re different, Phil. You get a choice.”
“What choice?” Phil asked nervously, really not liking where this was going.
“Have you remembered how you got to be here yet? Sometimes it takes a while, I might have to speed this up a bit.”
“N-no? What does that have to do with-” Phil was interrupted by Not-Dan’s fingers grazing across his forehead.
He saw it all as if in fast forward: Dan curled up under his duvet, asking for just five more minutes, they wouldn’t be late, and Phil agreeing, seeing just how cute he looked all tiny and hobbit haired, the following increased stress for the rest of the morning as Dan had fallen asleep again and now they were going to be late for sure, them calling another cab just in time-
“I take it you get the jist?” Phil blinked back the tears in his eyes as Not-Dan removed his fingers and sat back on the edge of the bed.
The demon may not have shown him outright, but Phil saw the rest in his mind’s eye anyways, the brief celebration of making it to a cab at all, though it was almost certain they would be at least five minutes late, Dan’s smile turning to shock as the cabbie hit a patch of ice, and the crunch of metal and glass as-
‘Yeah, I get it.” he whispered softly.
“I take it you understand where Dan is, as well?”
Phil felt like someone had scooped out his insides. “No,” he whispered. “No.” He couldn’t wrap his head around the concept, a world without Dan completely incomprehensible to him. They were Dan and Phil, a duo, never seen apart, and Phil loved him, oh God, he had never told him, oh God... Even the thought of being without him seemed impossible, he would have to tell the fans as well...
“Sorry for your loss, Phil, really hate to interrupt, but you should know there’s hope still.”
Phil froze, hopes momentarily leaping into his chest, before sinking back down to his gut. Bringing people back to life was impossible.
“You can fix this, y’see, I have a way. Every hundred years or so, I’m able to give two people that died at the same time a tiny, tiny chance at saving each other using a little thing you probably know as the multiverse theory. There are millions of alternate universes out there, and in one of those millions and millions of alternate universes, right now, Dan’s alive.”
Phil’s interest peaked. Surely he wasn’t suggesting-
“Most every religion believes the afterlife exists here, in this universe. Actually, though, when I’m picking up the souls, or whatever you humans are calling consciousness these days, I just move them along to different universes, to inhabit different forms of their own body. It’s efficient, since every choice humans make, every story they dream up, every possibility that could have been, that creates a new universe, and I can just keep plopping the souls into new places. No soul in any of these worlds is new, not even you, Phil. When two people with some connection to each other die this close in time to each other, I give one a choice. This is it, Phil, your choice. Your heart just gave out. They’ll be able to restart it, don’t worry, but you'll slip into a coma. I could bring you back for good, but Dan would still be dead when you woke up. No mess, no fuss, you get on with your life as you should, grieve like anyone else would. Or, you could take this.”
He held up what looked like a necklace, a silver chain with a sort of jet-black pendant on it. “How it works is too complicated for me to explain in the amount of time we have, but it’ll give you the ability to jump through to different universes, live though the other versions of yourself in those other worlds. If you can find the Dan that just came from this universe by making him remember this life, you both live. Only the Dan that’s just come from here will be able to remember, and fairly easily too, considering he just got there. I’ll show up, and I’ll bring you both back home. While you’re out hopping, though, your body stays here, still comatose, and time will still pass. You’ll be taken off life support in two months, and if you haven’t found him by then you’ll die, and I’ll be back to take you on to your next universe without him. You’ll forget all this, me, Dan, your life here. Have I covered everything?”
Phil’s head spun, reeling with the new information and the steady beeeeeeep of his own heart monitor flatlining. “So... I can go to a bunch of different universes looking for Dan blindly on a one in millions chance, and if I don’t find him I die, or he just dies right now and I have to live without him?”
“That’s your choice, Phil. You live, and Dan dies, or you take that miniscule, fleeting chance that you might find him, and you both get to live.”
“Is there a way for me to control which universes I go to?”
“Excellent question!” Not-Dan beamed. “First one to think of that one in a while, no doubt you’re special, Phil. There’s no way for you to control where you go, but I can narrow down your possibilities quite a bit, so that you can tell if the universe is worth staying in or not more quickly. I can tell you that the universe Dan is in right now came from a story, whether that be a dream or something else, you can decide, but unfortunately I can’t tell you more than that. He isn’t in a world doing the same things he would here, as it’s such a big change, but you’ll still know it’s him.”
“Do I have to choose right now?”
“Hypothetically, no, but your sixty days is ticking. I really do suggest you get going. The choice is what this is all about, Phil.”
He felt like he was going to throw up, because he really didn’t like this. His head was spinning, probably not helped by the painkillers in his veins and the blood loss from just a few hours earlier. He could die trying for Dan and himself to get a second chance at life, or just walk away and put up with loss like any other human being would have to.
It was reckless. It was stupid. It was self-destructive.
He knew he would regret it for the rest of his life if he missed this chance.
summary: Soulmates!AU, Wings!AU. People had always told him that wings were the solution to everything, the key to your love life, your friend circle, who you are as a person, even. Yet somehow, Phil just can’t bring himself to see it that way. Who would want a soulmate that would never fly? (or, as my planning outline so eloquently puts it, kiss kiss fall in love you emotionally repressed motherfuckers) (disclaimer)
genre: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, au
warnings for this chapter: CHEESY BULLSHIT, homophobia, ableism, swearing, transphobia mentions
warnings for each chapter are posted with the chapters themselves! if you can’t read a chapter because of a warning, let me know and i’ll summarize everything in a non-triggering way so you can move on with the fic :D
word count: 2.1K
SIX
February, 2010
“Hey guys! I know what you’re thinking already-”
The video cut to Phil standing across the room in a different shirt and a hat, yelling. “Phil! Where the heck have you been!”
It cut back to Phil on the bed. “I know, I know. It’s been what, six months? I’m really sorry that I had to leave for a while, but I’m hoping to be back for good this time. You’re also all probably wondering why I left for so long, and honestly, there’s a really simple answer. Six months ago, almost exactly, I found my soulmate.”
Another cut to the second Phil in the corner, who waves his arms wildly with an alarmed face as the camera zooms in way too far on his face. He breaks out into laughter, and so does someone behind the camera.
“I know! You’re as shocked as I am,” Phil exclaims from his regular position. “It really didn’t go as either of us expected though,” a short jumpcut, and Dan flops onto the bed next to Phil, sitting up quickly and waving.
“Dan, for those people watching, are you, in fact, a male?”
“I am,” Dan laughs.
“And you are my soulmate?”
Dan appears in the next jumpcut without his big hoodie, stretching his wings out to nearly their full length. “Yep.”
The next jumpcut is short, a mere moment showing them both laughing at something one of them had said. In the next cut, Phil also has stretched out his wings.
“Phil, are you gonna tell them about that brace thing on your wing?”
“Sure am!”
There’s another cut in the footage, and Phil is alone on the bed again. “So, not many people know about it, but there’s actually a small chance when any wings are growing in that they might get dislocated, or grow in a bit crooked, no matter who the soulmates are. By that I mean it doesn’t matter if it’s two boys, a boy and a girl, or two girls! It can seriously happen to anyone. This happened to me, unfortunately, which really sucks but I’m learning to get used to it. If any of you are interested in finding out more, I’ve put a couple of links in the description! I’ll also spend a bit of time in the comments answering questions.
“On the topic of comments, though, I really don’t care if you ‘disagree’ or whatever with Dan being my soulmate, because obviously it happened, and who your soulmate is isn’t a choice for anyone. It’s 2010, people! We should all know this by now!”
“So, I also just wanted to say, this isn’t going to be the only thing I talk about on my channel at all, I just wanted to make this one for explaining why I was gone and stuff, I’ll be going back to the regular sorts of videos soon! Thanks guys for not clicking off this far in, and I’ll see you next week!”
The screen changes to a space background with several links to subscribe, Phil’s last video, and a reminder that several resources were in the description box. Phil turned to Dan. “So, what do you think?”
“There’s not much more you can add, really. It gets the point across well enough and says everything we want said. You planning on uploading it today?”
“Yeah, sometime after dinner.”
“Takeout?”
“Of course.”
Phil was quiet throughout dinner, staring into space and taking a while to respond whenever Dan said anything.
“You’re sure about this, right?” Dan asked eventually, unable to take the silence any longer.
“Yeah. Just a bit nervous, y’know?”
“Same. But we’ll be alright, won’t we? Most people are more supportive than they seem.”
“Mmhmm,” Phil hummed into his pizza. “I also thought, even though it’s unlikely we’ll have the willpower to, we should stay off social media for a bit. Just until morning, for example. Until most of the heat blows over.”
Dan agreed, “That makes sense. I meant to ask earlier, but have you heard anything from your YouTube friends?”
“A bit, a few months ago some of them were asking around on Twitter about where I’d gone, and a few DM’d me after I announced the channel was going on hiatus. None of them know why I left, though.”
“D’you know how any of them might react?”
Phil shrugged. “No idea, actually. Hopefully they’ll be nice because I’m their friend, but... You never can tell.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Dan said, finishing off the last of his pizza and leaning back in his chair. “Like you said, they’re your friends.”
“Right,” Phl repeated, setting his pizza down on the plate. “We really should just go upload it now, there’s no point in waiting,”
"Okay," Dan agreed, drumming his fingers anxiously as Phil scooted his laptop over to their side of the table.
It was already on when Phil flipped up the lid, having just closed it to eat. With slightly trembling fingers, he opened YouTube and logged in, setting up the completed video to upload, quickly pressing the button before he could think more about the consequences. Phil sat back, sighing and glancing over at Dan, who looked equally nervous.
“How about we go watch TV for a while? I think they’re having a ‘Doctor Who’ rerun marathon or something this weekend,” Phil suggested, taking Dan’s hand in his own.
“Sounds great, yeah,” Dan replied, heading over with Phil to the couch. The two settled into their usual position, Phil leaning back onto Dan’s chest, as they tried to lose themselves in the program.
Phil closed his eyes, shifting a bit to get comfortable. About an hour later, when they had given up on “Doctor Who” and switched over to some anime Phil didn’t remember the name of, they heard the first buzz from Phil’s phone. The two jumped, startled by the noise, Phil staring at the phone as if it were some sort of alien. It buzzed again. Dan shifted underneath Phil, making eye contact with him. “D’you want to pick it up, or should we wait a little longer?” Buzz buzz.
“I dunno,” Phil answered, glancing back at the phone. “In a minute. I’m enjoying my last bit of drama-free time, here.” He managed a weak smile as the phone buzzed again.
The silence continued, broken only by the anime’s opening theme and several more buzzes from the phone. Dan shifted uncomfortably, obviously anxious to read what people were saying. Phil kept glancing over his shoulder at the table and the laptop, seeming to feel the same way. The two men pretended to be focused on the anime for about five more minutes, when suddenly Phil sat up, sighing and walking back to the table. Dan followed quickly behind him, opening Twitter on his phone while Phil checked his texts.
<PJ> Didn’t expect that, but proud of you!
<Chris> Nice video, glad to see you’re back :)
<Meghan> :O
<Meghan> Surprised, but really happy for you, Phil.
Several other congratulations followed, along with requests to hang out sometime now that he was back, and Phil’s heart soared. It seemed that his friends were all very supportive, not at all what he had expected at first. Of course, a few asked questions about his wings that the description could’ve answered, and one declared that they didn’t like ‘gays in general’ but was willing to make a sort-of exception for Phil. The last one hurt a bit, and the former was rude, but both were expected. Phil just was glad that neither of these had been to any of the extremes he expected.
“Phil, you’ve gained, like, five thousand followers in the past hour,” Dan said, shocked.
“What?” Phil asked, peering over Dan’s shoulder. “No way.”
“You were at, what, 20K before? Well, you’ve just hit 25.”
Phil’s mouth opened and closed several times, looking remarkably like a fish as he tried to process that thought. “Bu- I- How many views does the video have then?”
“Dunno,” Dan muttered, switching to the YouTube app.
“Sixty thousand? That’s, like, triple the usual...”
Dan flicked away a notification from the top of his screen.
“What was that?”
“Mum’s on a rant. I’ve decided to not care,” Dan said firmly. “She doesn’t get a say in what I do anymore.”
“‘M sorry,” Phil sighed, putting an arm around his waist. “Anything I can do?”
“Nah, I’m just going to let her rant it all out and eventually she’ll come back and apologise like she always does,” Dan replied, flicking away another notification. “This is good, though, the views thing. Lots of people are gonna learn a lot from what you had to say, Phil.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Phil responded. “Seriously, though, let me know if she goes and does anything beyond just ranting, alright?”
“Will do.”
Phil flipped to Twitter as well, on his own phone, and started reading through replies.
“How’s it looking?” Dan asked.
“About fifty-fifty, lots of people love me, lots of people hate me. Better than we thought, though,” Phil replied, always looking on the bright side. “But looking at my followers, I think there are probably more that are supportive and just not saying anything.”
“Pretty good, then.”
“Pretty good,” Phil replied, biting his lip as he scrolled through several tweets in a row containing some especially harsh slurs. “Pretty good.”
“Hey,” Dan said suddenly. “I’m proud of you.”
Phil looked up. “Hm?”
“We did something pretty hard today, and you’re handling it really well. I’m proud of you.”
“Why do you always have to be so... cute?” Phil grinned, reaching forwards to hug Dan tightly. “I’m proud of you too,” he whispered.
0~0~0
Once again, Dan and Phil sat around a circle of hard plastic chairs, hands laced together between them.
“Today, I feel... A little shit, yeah, but also really, really proud. And free. And happy. Over the weekend, Dan and I came out over social media to a whole lot of people, and it went better than I could’ve ever hoped. We’ve gotten a lot of hate, and a lot of support. When we were first planning out how to do this, I thought the hate would be really bad, that it would upset me and even make me not want to come back to YouTube, something I really love.
“But I’ve learned something, actually. I don’t care very much about hate comments. Not that I don’t care at all, because that would be ridiculous, but if they hate me so much, I don’t want them subscribed to me anymore. By coming out, I’m able to be more honest, but also weed out all the people I don’t like from my audience, and that’s just really great. I’m happy.”
“That’s really great, for both of you. How many people were you coming out to?” JC asked, beaming from his spot in the seat next to Dan.
“Oh, just about forty thousand,”
Silence. Charlie let out a low, impressed whistle. “Holy shit,” he whispered.
Someone started clapping, which quickly spread around the circle. Phil felt like he was on top of the world.
“There’s not really much to say that can top that, guys,” Sophia said. “That’s a really good point, by the way, about hate. I feel like we all need to remind ourselves of that sometimes.”
“Well, my mum’s certainly pissed off at us for saying it to the world finally, but I’ve decided I don’t really care anymore?” Dan started. “It’s something really harsh to say about your own mum, I know, but honestly I can’t keep waiting on her to approve and let me move on with my life. I have other people that I can rely on to care, and that’s enough for me right now. I still hope she’ll come around eventually, of course, but she needs time to figure that out for herself. I’m done waiting.”
“Wish I could say that,” JC laughed. “That’s really brave, Dan. Sometimes I find myself thinking the same thing, and sometimes I’m able to go through with it, not be bothered by her for a day or so, but for me it always comes back. Maybe it’s because of how I was as a kid or something, but I always feel like I need to come back to her, get her approval. I really hope you don’t have to feel like that.”
“Thanks, JC. I hope she comes around soon,” Dan replied, a sympathetic half-smile on his face.
summary: Soulmates!AU, Wings!AU. People had always told him that wings were the solution to everything, the key to your love life, your friend circle, who you are as a person, even. Yet somehow, Phil just can’t bring himself to see it that way. Who would want a soulmate that would never fly? (or, as my planning outline so eloquently puts it, kiss kiss fall in love you emotionally repressed motherfuckers) (disclaimer)
genre: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, au
warnings for this chapter: self-hate, suicide mention(the character isn’t actually in the story, only mentioned once by name.), homophobia and transphobia mentions,
warnings for each chapter are posted with the chapters themselves! if you can’t read a chapter because of a warning, let me know and i’ll summarize everything in a non-triggering way so you can move on with the fic :D
word count: 2.1K
FIVE
February, 2010
“What time was it supposed to start again, did you say?” Phil asked Dan, annoyance in his voice.
“That card said 5:30! I told you that!” Dan replied, just as much snark in his tone as Phil’s.
“It’s 5:45 and no one’s here, so obviously the card didn’t say that, Dan!” Phil groaned.
Just then, the door to the small room opened, shutting them both up. A guy and a girl came in, obviously soulmates. The two didn’t seem to notice Dan and Phil were there for a moment, both laughing at something one of them had said, until Dan coughed. They turned around, looking slightly shocked.
“Oh, are you guys here for the support group?” the girl asked, seeming a bit confused. “You know it starts at six, right?”
“I told you!” Phil said to Dan, rolling his eyes.
The girl laughed. “It’s alright, it used to be at five thirty up until today. I’m Andi, and this is my husband, JC. We’re the ones who started this group. What’re you guys’s names?” Andi asked, her wide smile seeming to match her high, girlish voice.
“I’m Dan and he’s Phil... I thought this was a group for gay soulmates?” Dan asked, warily gazing at their clasped hands.
JC laughed. “Technically, not just gay but all of the LGBTQIwhatever spectrum, including transgender people and asexual spectrum people.”
Dan blushed a bit. “Yeah, sorry.”
“No, it’s no problem. You gotta be careful and all. We’re just really lucky to be straight-passing, even if we aren’t individually. No one would be able to tell I’m trans unless they looked really close, either, so we don’t get a lot of shit for it. But, of course, because we looked normal at first glance, other LGBT people avoided us, and I never got a chance to meet other people like me before starting this group up. Andi’s been helping with finances and stuff, getting us this building to have the meetings and other stuff like that, so I don’t have to do it all alone, which is great. How about you guys?” JC said.
“We found this place through my physical therapist, actually,” Phil said calmly, looking the couple steadily in the eyes, searching for some sort of reaction. He and Dan had decided before getting here that they would see how everyone reacted to Phil’s wing at first, before deciding whether to stay or not.
“Oh, that’s cool, what’s their name? We probably know them.” Andi smiled, sensing Phil’s slight discomfort.
“Doctor Sarah Painter? She had one of your cards with her,” Dan replied.
“Oh yeah, we love her! She helped out my cousin a few years back, with a sport injury,” JC answered.
The conversation turned to some other subject, and Phil was able to relax. Of course, not every person he met reacted badly to his disability, but it was unfortunately common enough that he was relieved when it didn’t happen.
He and Dan chatted with Andi and JC for a while, helping move more chairs over to the middle of the room and other small tasks. They seemed like very nice people, talking about some of the charity work they had done over the years and such. It was five minutes ‘till six when the door opened again, letting in another pair. This time the two looked to be in their late teens, a smiling Asian girl with small, red wings and a tall guy with close-cropped sandy hair and bags under his eyes, wrapping his arms tight around himself under a baggy hoodie. The two waved, before separating from each other, the girl going over to talk to Andi and the guy simply slumping into a chair and staring at a wall.
Soon enough it was six o’clock, a few more people had joined them, and it was time to start the meeting.
A total of twelve people now sat around the circle of chairs, all with soulmates, (though not necessarily a soulmate in the room) and all, as Dan put it, ‘a little bit gay’.
“Glad you could all make it!” Andi said from her place at the front of the room, tapping a stack of papers against her knee before tucking them away in her bag. “So you all might have noticed, we’ve got two new people joining us, so we’ll go around doing introductions as normal. That’s just saying your name, gender, pronouns, and sexuality so we all know the basics of how to address each other, for you two. I’ll go ahead and go first, then we can go around, alright?” There was a general consensus of murmurings and head-nodding, and Andi began to speak. “So, I’m Andi, I’m a cis woman with she/her pronouns, and I’m demisexual. Phil, if you’d like to go next?”
He jumped a bit, not expecting the circle to come his way. “Uh, alright. Hey guys, I’m Phil, cis guy, so he pronouns, and I’ve never really thought about it I guess? Not really a big fan of labels.” Phil internally cringed a bit, everyone else probably knew except him.
“That’s alright, Phil! We all know what it’s like to be questioning, and you’re just as valid as anyone. Dan?” Andi said.
“I’m Dan, cis guy, he/him, gay.”
Next was the girl who had came in after JC and Andi. “I’m Lisa, cis girl with she/her, and I’m aro-ace!.”
“Sophia, trans woman, she or they, and I’m polyamorous bisexual.”
Next was the tired-looking guy who had arrived with Lisa. “I‘m Charlie, cis and he/him, gay,” he muttered softly.
“I’m Danni, this is Eliza. We’re both cis, with she/her pronouns and we’re both lesbians. Just for you two that don’t know, uh, Eliza can’t talk, so I’ll be translating sign language for her.” Danni finished with a nod.
“And lastly, I’m JC, trans guy with he/him pronouns, and I’m bisexual. For today’s meeting, we’re not going to be doing anything too out of the box. As you all probably know, we’ve got a bit less time than usual, so we’ll just go around and talk about how we’re feeling today and a bit of why we’re here, if you would like to add that in for our newcomers. Andi, you can start, then we’ll move our way backwards?”
“Alright, everyone, I’m feeling a bit stressed from work, but generally quite positive, so I think it’s best we move on to other people, JC?”
“I’m feeling a bit gross, and a bit hopeful today. Usual reasons, dysphoria isn’t anything I can’t handle, but my sister stopped by the other day, which is definitely good news. She seems to be a lot less mad at me than my mom at least!” he chuckled. “I’m very grateful to have her.”
“Your mom ought to come around eventually, JC. You’re her son. Mine took a while too, but honestly I wouldn’t worry about it,” Sophia smiled at him from across the circle. A few other people expressed similar sentiments, and the circle moved on.
Eliza was feeling frustrated with her current lack of a job, and Danni briefly described how they had got here through an ad they had seen in a coffee shop.
Charlie was probably the most interesting, if not heartbreaking tale to hear. “Here because school counselors are making me. I feel like shit, as per usual, my wings are gaining more of his color every day.”
Dan’s voice caught in his throat, glancing over the boy’s half-blue, half-yellow wings. Everyone knew that once your soulmate died, the color from their wings started to appear on your own, creating a sort of mess of colors. And he was so young too, couldn’t have been older than 18...
It was difficult for Dan to pay attention for the rest of the meeting.
Phil, however, was having a great time meeting all these new people. It took a few turns into the circle, but soon enough he had the hang of it, and started to give a bit of his own advice to the group. Before they knew it, the circle had passed around all the way and was back at Dan and Phil.
“Today I’m feeling... Really happy, actually. It’s been great meeting all of you, and I think I’ve needed something like this, meeting others like me for a while, actually. I’m here mostly because the day that I met Dan and wings started to grow in, the left one was dislocated and stayed that way, even after surgery. Chances are, I’ll never be able to fly,” Phil paused a second, carefully thinking over what to say next. “Luckily, I have an incredible soulmate and don’t have to worry about it because he still loves me no matter what. It took me a while to accept that, and I’m still working through some parts, but I’m a lot better than I was a few months ago.”
Smiles came in from all around the circle, congratulating Phil on starting to accept himself and reassuring him of their support. Phil couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off of his face, reaching across to squeeze Dan’s hand to let him know it was his turn.
“I’ve got sort of mixed feelings, actually,” Dan started, “I’m also really glad to be here and excited to be meeting all of you, but I also recently have been worrying a lot about my mom and her acceptance of me. She told me the day I met Phil that she still loved me and just wanted me to be happy, but she still thinks that being with Phil is hurting me and that I shouldn’t be. She’s slowly stopped calling, after she realized I wasn’t going to give in, and since then I’ve just felt a bit isolated. It’s like Phil said, though, I’ve got a better soulmate than I could ever hope for to help me through it. Of course, it’s not like he’s going to replace my mum, because, well, she’s my mum, but he’s done more for me than I think he understands.”
This sparked a lengthy discussion on family and support systems, so lengthy in fact that it ran for the rest of the time they had, and after brief goodbyes, they all went their separate ways.
“Well, that was nice, wasn’t it?” Phil asked Dan, swinging their interlocked hands between them as they walked.
“Yeah, wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I think we should go back sometime, what d’you think?”
“Oh, definitely, yeah! I’m feeling a lot more confident just after one meeting, and everyone’s so nice there!” Phil beamed.
“I’m glad to hear that,” Dan responded, not able to help returning Phil’s wide, excited grin.
“Actually I was thinking,” Phil bit his lip. “I want to get back on YouTube.”
Dan almost stopped walking. “What?”
“Yeah. I really have been missing it, making videos is what I love. If people have a problem with you or my wing, I don’t want them subscribed to me anyway. It would be a good way to bring in a little extra money, and, I dunno, it’s just something I want to get back into.”
“If you’re sure, Phil, that would be great. You do know, though, that some people aren’t going to be happy about it. You’re probably going to get a lot of hate. I just want to make sure you’re not only doing this for me or for money, but because you seriously do want to go back.”
“I’m pretty sure. There are going to be a lot of haters, yeah, but I think I’ll be able to handle it. I’ve got a lot of great people in my life, and you all matter more than strangers on the internet. This really is something I want to do, Dan.”
Dan sighed, looking away for a moment before replying, “D’you know where all your filming stuff is? I can help, if you want.”
“That’d be great, yeah. It should be somewhere in the closet of crap, if I remember correctly.”
The two spent the tube ride home discussing a script, and before they knew it they were home. The camera and tripod were, in fact, in the closet of crap, and they set it up in front of Phil’s bed.
“Is it recording?” Phil asked, bouncing up and down on his blue and green duvet anxiously.
Dan fiddled with the camera for a few more seconds, and the red light came on. “Think so, yeah. Go whenever you’re ready.”
Phil took a deep breath, before smiling widely and raising his hand in a wave. “Hey guys!”
summary: Soulmates!AU, Wings!AU. People had always told him that wings were the solution to everything, the key to your love life, your friend circle, who you are as a person, even. Yet somehow, Phil just can’t bring himself to see it that way. Who would want a soulmate that would never fly? (or, as my planning outline so eloquently puts it, kiss kiss fall in love you emotionally repressed motherfuckers) (disclaimer)
genre: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, au
warnings for this chapter: Self-hate, argument, swearing, ableism
warnings for each chapter are posted with the chapters themselves! if you can’t read a chapter because of a warning, let me know and i’ll summarize everything in a non-triggering way so you can move on with the fic :D
word count: 2.3K
FOUR
January, 2010
It was raining when Phil finally got to PJ’s house. He stood on the doorstep for longer than necessary, face pink and flushed from the wind and tears stinging his face. He lingered there for a few minutes, shaking his hair out to look at least slightly acceptable. He hadn’t even knocked on the door yet when PJ’s face appeared in the window, breath fogging the glass as he peered outside. PJ’s eyes widened as he recognised Phil standing there, shivering from the rain.
The door was open almost immediately. “Oh my God, Phil. What happened to you? Come in, come in.” PJ muttered as he all but pulled Phil inside.
“Me and Dan... sort of fought?”
“How can you sort of fight?”
“He did something nice and I said a bunch of awful things then ran away,” Phil replied, shuddering from the cold as he shrugged off his jacket.
“D’you want to talk about it?”
“I guess. Sorry I just showed up out of the blue, I really didn’t want to disturb you, but-”
“You’re fine, Phil, really. First, though, you’re soaking. I’m gonna go get you a towel and change of clothes, alright? Stay here.”
“Thanks, PJ.”
“No problem.”
PJ disappeared around the corner at the end of the hall, leaving Phil in his living room. Pulling his jacket closer around him, Phil shuffled nearer to the fireplace, which was crackling quite invitingly in light of the raging storm outside.
“You want tea, too?” PJ called from the kitchen.
“That’d be great, thanks.” Phil responded.
PJ quickly handed off the clothes and towel to Phil, before returning to the now-boiling kettle. “There’s a bathroom just down that hall, if you want to go change.”
Phil thanked him again before running off to the bathroom to get changed. He tried not to look in the mirror as he tugged on PJ’s hoodie, wings slipping through the unzipped holes in the back. Over and over, he kept asking himself, ‘Why did I do that to Dan?’
By the time he got back to the lounge, only slightly damp and redressed in warm, comfy clothes, PJ was just sitting down on the couch, two steaming teas on the table next to him.
“Better?” PJ asked, extending one of the cups to him.
“Yeah, thanks again for all of this, really.”
“Stop thanking me, seriously. It’s what any decent friend would do. So, what happened with Dan?”
Phil sighed. “It’s really stupid. We were... uh, making out?” He cringed at how that sounded. “And I went to go move over to the... couch,” Phil was avoiding PJ’s gaze, a blush rising in his cheeks. PJ did not need to know that this had actually happened on their bed. “I sort of jumped back on it, and my wing got in the way, so we had to stop, and I was really mad at myself for ruining the moment and all. Dan was being all perfect about it and brought me an ice pack and everything! I just... I can’t stand when I’m not able to do something simple. I always feel like I’m just taking away things from Dan that a normal soulmate should be able to do with him, so I told him that, and he was so great, PJ, he told me all about why that’s ridiculous and all these wonderful things but I just can’t understand it, I guess? Why he still wants a soulmate like me, I mean.”
PJ was quiet for a minute, fingers interlocked tightly around his mug, a slight frown on his face as he thought. “Since when did you think you’re not good enough, Phil?” His tone was quiet, comforting, but stern.
“I dunno.” Phil answered hesitantly.
“Has Dan ever implied that that’s true?”
“Well... no,” Phil replied. “Never.”
“Why don’t you think you’re good enough for Dan?” PJ leaned back, taking a big slurp of his tea.
“I just told you, I can’t do basic things, and he shouldn’t have to go without them or do them for me. He’s great and lovely and everything I could ever want, but I’m... missing parts. I should be better.”
“But Dan doesn’t agree.”
“No.”
“He probably thinks the same way about you that you think about him, Phil, that you’re everything he wants and it just doesn’t matter to him that you can’t do those few things. You wouldn’t be soulmates if it really bothered him.”
Phil was silent, staring at PJ’s big clock hanging just above his head. “Just because two people are soulmates doesn’t mean they can’t disagree,” he said slowly.
PJ sighed, sitting up. “Yes, soulmates disagree on material things, emotions, crap like that, but not each other.” Phil’s phone buzzed, drawing his attention to the tiny screen on the pillow next to him.
<Dan<3> You get there alright?
<Dan<3> Just checking in.
“He really does care about you, Phil,” PJ muttered quietly. “You two really have something special, even something most soulmates don’t have, because they didn’t have to go through what you did to get to each other.”
<Phil> Yeah I‘m here
Phil sighed. “Can I stay here for a night? Just to clear my head a bit.”
“That’s fine, but you have to talk to Dan in the morning. You two have to work this out.”
“Thanks, PJ.”
“No problem, Phil.”
0~0~0
Phil awoke slowly, frowning vaguely as his sleepy brain tried to remember where he was. PJ’s house, he knew that, but why...
Fuck. Dan.
He scrambled out of bed, very nearly missing falling on his face after tripping on the sheets. There was a note from PJ on the kitchen counter.
Phil-
help yourself to breakfast, cereal’s above the fridge. don’t forget what I said about talking to Dan today. seriously, you have to do it sooner or later. good luck!
Phil grabbed a box of Shreddies from the top of the fridge, haphazardly pouring the milk with one hand while he scrolled through his phone. Dan had texted twice last night, after Phil had fallen into an uneasy sleep.
<Dan<3> what time are you getting back?
<Dan<3> phil?
He felt bad that he hadn’t seen them, immediately typing out a reply.
<Phil> I’ll be back soon, sorry i didn’t reply, i fell asleep before you sent those
<Phil> love you <3
He felt the last part was necessary, seeing how much of a dick he had been yesterday. He needed to make sure Dan knew, at least.
He finished the bowl of cereal quickly, going back to PJ’s spare room to find his clothes from yesterday had been through the wash and dryer, and he put them back on with vigor, thinking of all the different things he would say to Dan when he got home. First he would give him a hug, and apologize for being such an ass, and then...
He wasn’t quite sure what to do after that. He could promise to be a better boyfriend and soulmate, but considering what this had all been about in the first place...
Phil decided to just get home first, not do anything until he saw Dan’s reaction.
He called up a cab for himself, nervously waiting in PJ’s front lounge for it to show. Leg bouncing up and down with his anxiety, his mind wandered to the inevitable worrying. What if Dan had been thinking too, and decided he agreed with Phil, that he deserved something more? Phil certainly wouldn’t blame him. He found himself staring off into space again, mind wandering off into all the awful possibilities. His phone buzzed. That was probably Dan again, but somehow Phil couldn’t bring himself to look, lost in all the what-ifs and...
A car honked outside, and he stood unsteadily, making his way out to the cab. He recited his address in a subdued voice to the driver, who nodded and pulled away from the curb, not attempting conversation. Shame, really. Phil could use that right now.
His phone buzzed again and he didn’t bother not looking down, unlocking it to read what Dan had said.
<Dan<3> alright, sounds good
<Dan<3> no problem about the not replying thing too btw you’re fine
<Dan<3> that sounded really sarcastic but i promise it’s not
<Dan<3> love you too
He couldn’t help but smile a bit at the last one, Dan wasn’t the kind of person to ever say that without meaning it; that knocked out most of the negative what-ifs from his mind.
<Phil> on my way home now, this cab driver isn’t speaking to me at all haha
Dan responded almost immediately, surprising Phil.
<Dan<3> we need to talk when you get home tho
<Dan<3> not like in a breaking-up-with-you way i just need to know how to help you
<Phil> yeah
<Phil> see you then, about 5 mins away
The five minutes passed alarmingly quickly, and before he knew it he was slipping his house key into the lock, taking a deep breath as he entered the flat.
Dan heard the lock turning and jumped, dropping his phone on the couch. He jogged over to the hall, seeing Phil was halfway up the stairs already. Dan met him halfway, where Phil wrapped him in a hug.
“I’m sorry,” Phil whispered, the sound slightly muffled as he sighed into Dan’s shoulder. “I shouldn’t have left. You didn’t do anything wrong and I was being stupid and overly sensitive. I know you love me; we wouldn’t be soulmates if you didn’t, and-”
Dan pulled away from the hug just slightly, dropping a kiss on Phil’s forehead.
“It’s okay, Phil. It’s okay. You’re okay, and I’m not mad. Come on upstairs, we can sit down and actually talk, alright?”
Phil nodded and sheepishly took Dan’s hand, allowing himself to be led to their lounge, where the two settled on their couch.
“So,” Dan began hesitantly, “Phil, just as a general rule, I don’t want you to hide how you’re feeling from me, or feel like you need to ever again, alright? I want to help you through your problems, just like you do for me.”
“Yeah, uh, that was really stupid of me,” Phil responded.
“But you’re not stupid. You know that, I know that. I think it would help a lot if you stopped talking down on yourself like that, and I get it’s not always something you can just stop, but like, when you’re thinking that stuff, tell me. I want to help.”
“I know you do. Sometimes I just don’t even realize I’m doing it, like I just did.”
“Well, if you do, you know you can come to me.”
Phil nodded.
“You also said that you feel like you’re too dependant on me. What do you mean?”
Phil hesitated, opening and closing his mouth several times before deciding on what to say. “Sometimes I just feel... like I should be doing something, you know? You’ve got a job at ASDA and do Youtube sometimes, and I just sort of... sit here, and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve been applying for jobs, and you know that. They’re always so keen, and I get my hopes up, but when I show up for the interview and they see my wing, or they hear about you, and... y’know.”
And Dan did know. He remembered the first time it had happened, and Phil came home shaking his head, saying he knew already that he wouldn’t get the job. He had at first refused to reveal why, until three interviews later, when he told Dan about the funny stares, bluntly rude questions, and sometimes flat out mockery. Dan had seen red, cursing the world, the businesses, society, everything until Phil calmed him down. Phil had said it was okay. Dan guessed this should have been his first clue.
“You could always start Youtube again?” Even as Dan said it, he knew it was impossible. As soon as Phil had fully recovered from the surgery, he sent out a tweet saying he was going to put his channel on hiatus for a while- nothing to worry about! with a little smiley at the end. He told Dan he wasn’t sure he could handle comments on his wings from social media as well, that Youtube was his safe place, and he didn’t want any of that negativity on his channel. The weeks had turned to months, and Phil had just never gone back. He claimed he didn’t miss it when Dan brought it up one day, but Dan had never believed him.
Phil just stared at him, eyebrows raised.
“Okay, okay, maybe not. I’m sure we could find something, right? What about that support group Dr. Painter told you about? Maybe the people there would have some idea?”
“That’s not a bad idea, actually. They meet on Thursdays, I think? That’s in, what, four days? Is it Sunday?”
“Yeah, it is. Do you want me to come, too?”
“That would be nice, thanks.” Phil smiled for the first time since he got home.
“And I just wanted you to know, Phil, I really do love you. You’re... more than I ever could’ve wanted. You’re different, you’re special, and I love that about you. Really. And if anything, anything ever makes you doubt that,” Dan paused, looking at the floor. “Just remember, I loved you before you even knew who I was. I love you right now. I have loved you since I first saw your face on that stupid, three in the morning Youtube binge and nothing can possibly change that, alright?”
Phil couldn’t find the words to say, scooting forward and wrapping Dan in his arms as tightly as he possibly could. “I love you too,” he whispered, grinning so widely that tears threatened to spill from his eyes. “I love you too.”
summary: Soulmates!AU, Wings!AU. People had always told him that wings were the solution to everything, the key to your love life, your friend circle, who you are as a person, even. Yet somehow, Phil just can’t bring himself to see it that way. Who would want a soulmate that would never fly? (or, as my planning outline so eloquently puts it, kiss kiss fall in love you emotionally repressed motherfuckers) (disclaimer)
genre: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, au
warnings for this chapter: ableist slur (cr*ppled), homophobia, internalized homophobia, ableism, self-hate, alcohol, making out while drunk, swearing, arguing
warnings for each chapter are posted with the chapters themselves! if you can’t read a chapter because of a warning, let me know and i’ll summarize everything in a non-triggering way so you can move on with the fic :D
word count: 2.8K
note: can i just say i’m really in love with how this chapter turned out ok thanks have healthy relationships kids & communicate with people in ur life
THREE
January, 2010
It was six months later and Dan still pretended he couldn’t hear them, and maybe he shouldn’t have done that in the first place, but he did anyways.
“Momma, what happened to that man’s wing?”
“That’s what happens when you have two boys that are soulmates, Tommy. It goes wrong.”
Dan pretended. He pretended he couldn’t see the way Phil’s fists clenched and eyes darkened, pulling his wings in as close to his back as they could get and staring intensely into his shoes as if they held the secrets to the universe in their laces.
Phil pretended too. He pretended he couldn’t hear on Dan’s bad nights, when he would spend hours pacing his bedroom floor, mumbling out bits and pieces of an intense conversation, everything he wished he had said to his mother.
“It’s okay. I’m okay, and you’re wrong.”
“It’s legal now, you know.”
And most pitifully, “You say you want the best for me, but why can’t you get this?”
Phil pretended, because it was an unspoken mutual agreement between the two of them. Dan didn’t bring up Phil’s useless, crippled wings, and Phil didn’t talk about Dan’s unsolved sexuality issues.
And what a system it is, one that always works until it doesn’t. They both knew it was inevitable that something would go wrong, one of them would simply explode from the tension, but as with most things nowadays, they pretended it wouldn’t.
This system was something Dan often contemplated, on long, sleepless nights, in the shower, on the tube, whenever he was sitting with Phil in the lounge and Phil didn’t quite disguise how he stared at Dan’s wings when he thought Dan wasn’t looking.
Yet somehow, amidst all the pretending, they were okay. They went out on dates, and smiled at each other, and held hands when they could. They kissed, they hugged, they were very much in love, but still, there was the pretending.
The pretending continued, an endless cycle. They would go out in the morning and pretend to be happy, Phil would be catcalled and ridiculed nearly every day, Dan occasionally mumbling to ‘ignore them’ through gritted teeth and clenched fists. Then, they would go home and relax, curled up into each other on the couch in their front room.
Phil wasn’t sure why, but today he felt compelled to break away from their usually tame conversation topics. “Why don’t you ever say anything, when people are yelling at me on the streets?” Seeing the look on Dan’s face, he almost regretted the question instantly. His eyes were widened slightly in shock, mouth moving but no sound coming out, trying desperately to form coherent words.
“I-I thought- you wouldn’t want me to make a scene of it- I can start telling them to fuck off or something, anything you want, just let me know. I wish I had known you wanted me to say something, I would’ve- God Phil, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt yo-”
‘No, no, Dan. Don’t worry about it. I was just curious, if you’re not comfortable with making a big scene, you don’t have to do anything about it if you don’t want,” Phil hastily replied, laying a hand over Dan’s.
“Well, just you watch. I’m going to say something next time, I promise,” Dan said, smiling softly.
“Thanks.”
“Yeah.”
It was blissfully silent for a few moments. Phil’s head rested on Dan’s chest, the two simply soaking up each other's presence.
“Phil?” Dan asked after a few minutes.
“Hm?”
“You know about my mum right? How she doesn’t exactly, well, support this,” Dan gestured to their two bodies intertwined in a mess of limbs and feathers on the couch.
Phil’s heart stuttered a bit. He didn’t even have an excuse to not be helping Dan through this, nothing other than his own spite at Dan not standing up for him, which in retrospect was a really shitty reason.
“Yeah, have you heard from her recently?” Phil decided to play dumb.
“Not at all, and I’m starting to get really worried. What if something happens to her and we never figure it out? I know how unlikely that is, yeah, but I just...”
“Hey,” Phil muttered, sitting up a bit to wrap his arm around Dan’s waist. “It’s alright to be upset that you two fought. Do you think you should call her?”
Dan immediately shook his head. “She said she needed time to think about it. I don’t think I should bother her until she calls me first. I just can’t stop thinking about it, you know? What would I say if she called? What would she say? It’s started keeping me up at night, ya know?”
“Is there something I could do to help?” Phil murmured, resting his head on top of Dan’s, which had flopped onto his shoulder sometime during his little speech.
“Dunno,” Dan answered quietly, “Unless you’ve got a magic cure-all that’ll make me fall asleep without overthinking my incredibly fragile relationship with my family, nothing, I guess,”
“Well,” Phil responded, a mischievous smile creeping onto his face. “You could always sleep in my room,”
Dan laughed, and Phil realized in that moment just how good it was to see him happy. “Alright, you flirt. No funny business, right?” He spoke the last part hastily, as if to reassure himself.
“Wait, really?” Phil laughed. “Of course not, nothing you’re not ready for.”
Dan smiled again. “Thanks, Phil.”
“No problem, Dan.”
They both left the conversation feeling significantly better, spending the rest of the day as if on top of the world, stealing kisses and grins across the table at dinner.
It came to be time for bed, and Dan had left Phil’s side briefly to go change into his pyjamas; though he usually would just sleep in boxers, he didn’t want to do anything that would make Phil even vaguely uncomfortable with this.
Phil had his nose buried in a Stephen King book when Dan finally came in, but he glanced up and smiled at him. He was in pyjamas as well, probably with the same idea as Dan.
Dan was hesitating a bit at the door. “You were serious, right?”
Phil smiled, “Yeah, you spoon. Get over here!” He patted the empty space on the blue and green duvet next to him.
Dan slid in under the covers, shifting around and hitting the pillows to get comfortable. Phil just kept staring at him, smiling.
“What?” Dan asked, feeling a bit self-conscious.
“You’re cute.”
“Shut up!” Dan answered, the tips of his ears going red.
Phil stood up to pull the brace off of his shoulder and wing, sighing with relief as he stretched it out, the black and navy feathers straining as they reached outwards.
Completely against his better judgement, Phil found himself staring at the almost-asleep Dan’s wings. He often did his best to not be jealous, but every once in awhile he would allow it to just wash over him, because Dan’s wings really were gorgeous, not to mention functional.
Legends going back thousands of years say the colors in a person’s wings are supposed to be a reflection of their soulmate’s soul, or ‘aura’, as it was more commonly called, and if that was true, Phil was so, so proud of the bit of himself he could see in Dan’s wings.
They were mostly yellow and blue, but you could see the little downy baby feathers underneath were tinged a bit of light green. They certainly were eye-catching, more colorful than the average person’s wings, usually made up of one or two colors. Phil glanced back at his own dark wings spread across the room and sighed. His wings... They just weren’t right. Dan’s aura wasn’t black; he was just as bright as anyone, reds and oranges clashing together like a summer sunset. Blue, he could maybe understand. But black? Phil felt like the black part was his fault a bit, for screwing up his wing, for the fact he wouldn’t be able to fly with Dan next summer, when both of their wings were hypothetically grown out enough.
Phil pulled his wings back into his body, settling down under the duvet facing Dan, who smiled slightly when he felt the bed dip as Phil sat back down.
Dan didn’t deserve Phil. Dan didn’t deserve to learn to fly alone, didn’t deserve to see the reflection of his aura turn out black, didn’t deserve any of this.
Phil just wished Dan had someone better.
0~0~0
Keeping true to his word, Dan shouted at three people on the way to physical therapy with Phil the next day. The first one seemed a bit shocked that anyone could believe what they were saying was wrong, scoffed, and walked away. The second person expressed his disbelief that ‘people like him’ actually had soulmates. Phil told Dan that one wasn’t worth it before he could reply, not wanting to start a fight. The last one didn’t think anyone had heard him from his place, mumbling insults from a bench not two hundred feet from the physical therapy center. Hearing Dan call out to her, she jumped straight up and ran away.
The physical therapy session went as usual, a bored-looking nurse taking Phil’s weight, height, and vitals, along with a blood sample before leaving him for a while to wait for a slightly more energetic doctor. Dr. Painter was much more friendly than Dr. Kim from the hospital, insisting Phil call her Sarah before launching into asking rapid fire questions on how he was feeling at the moment, rating his soreness level on a scale of 1-10, if he had been wearing his brace for 10-12 hours a day as recommended, as well as some basic small talk on what he’d been up to lately and how he was doing emotionally.
Phil was grateful to have her; she was good at what she did and did it with happiness every day.
The appointment ended with Sarah telling him he needed to be stretching his wing out more, taking down the required hours for the brace to 8 a day, and handing him a tiny business card.
“It’s for a support group,” she said, answering Phil’s unasked question. “Before you complain, I really think it could do you some good. You’ll meet other gay soulmates, and Dan can come with you. It’s completely non-judgemental, there’ll be other gay couples there as well. I don’t want this trend of you feeling like you’re less for your disability to continue, alright? At least one meeting, that’s all I ask. Go to one meeting, and if you hate it, you won’t have to go again.”
Phil took the card with only slight reluctance, agreeing to go at least once, and heading out to the waiting room where Dan was sitting, flipping through a magazine.
“How’d it go?” Dan asked, handing Phil a coffee, probably from the Starbucks up the street.
“Well, I don’t have to wear the brace as long. I’ve got to take it off every two hours or so to stretch out, and she says I’m getting better.” Phil answered.
“That’s great!”
“She also gave me this. It’s for a support group,” Phil handed over the card with a slight frown.
“But why would we need to go to that?” Dan asked, perplexed. “You’re... doing alright, right?”
“Yeah!” Phil answered maybe a bit too enthusiastically. “Weird, isn’t it? I think it’s just a routine thing, she made me promise we would go to at least one. You don’t have to come, if you don’t want,”
Dan showed no acknowledgement that Phil might not have meant it when he said he was alright. “No, I’ll go with you. Just... Let me know if you do need to talk about something, alright?”
“I promise.” Phil lied.
0~0~0
It was well past midnight three days later, when the two stumbled into the flat, giggling and bumping into the walls and each other as they tried to make it to their bedroom. Phil stopped Dan in the hall, planting a sloppy, alcohol-tasting kiss straight on his lips. Dan relaxed into him almost immediately, lips moving across Phil’s with just as much enthusiasm. He pulled away after only a few seconds, shooting him a cheeky grin and dragging him by his hand into their bedroom.
The door clicked closed behind them, and Phil backed up against it, hands on Dan’s hips, pulling him closer. A little siren sounded off in Phil’s head. Sure, they had made out before, but now they were both drunk and the door was closed. He didn’t want this to go too far, but Dan was back on him again, and they were kissing, and it was so nice that all his thoughts just washed away.
He was lost in Dan’s lips, wrapping his arms closer to his torso, gripping tightly at the bottom of his shirt. Phil was so caught up he almost didn’t notice when Dan started maneuvering them away from the door to the bed. He placed one hand on Dan’s chest, breaking the kiss with reluctance. Dan pulled away, a confused look on his face, but he continued to walk Phil backwards to the bed.
Phil felt his the backs of his knees hit the edge, and he fell backwards, landing flat on his wings. Immediately, he snapped straight out of the slightly-tipsy haze he had been in as a jolt of pain shot through his already messed up wing. He let out a hiss of pain, rolling onto his side to take the pressure off his left side.
“Phil?” He heard Dan’s concerned voice from above him, “Oh my God, are you okay?”
“‘M fine,” Phil lied through gritted teeth. “Keep going?”
“Hell no,” Dan responded. “I’m gonna go get you some ice, okay?”
“No, no, I’m fine, I’m fine, seriously.”
“Stop bullshitting me, Phil. I’ll be right back,” Dan said quietly, exiting the room.
Phil lay on the bed in silence, waiting for Dan to come back. Would he be mad that Phil couldn’t do this simple thing? He felt tears welling up in his eyes, and not just from the pain.
Dan was back and Phil blinked away the tears as Dan sat gently behind him and pressed the ice pack just below his wing joint.
“I’m sorry, Phil,” Dan whispered, his fingers lightly massaging Phil’s left shoulder.
“Why’re you sorry? You didn’t do anything,” Phil replied dully.
“I should’ve stopped earlier. I hurt you.”
“You shouldn’t have stopped at all. I’m fine.”
Dan sat up, a slight tone of anger in his voice. “Why do you keep saying that? You’re obviously not okay, and I’m trying to help you, alright? I just don’t get it.”
“Maybe I just want to be able to do simple goddamn things, like sit on a damn bed so my soulmate can kiss me, alright? Maybe I want to be able to do these things with you, and I’m sick of this stupid wing being so screwed up that I can’t even walk down the street like a normal person.”
Dan was silent, his mouth hanging open slightly as Phil continued.
“You’re right, you don’t get it. I have to be so dependant on you, and I hate that. I love you, but I hate it. You don’t get how much it hurts me to think about how I won’t be able to fly with you one day. You don’t ever seem to understand how much more you deserve than me.”
Dan dropped the ice pack. “Don’t ever say that again,” he said, deadly calm. “Don’t ever think that. Don’t even- Phil, why would you even think that?”
“Because it’s goddamn true.”
“I literally refuse to believe that, Phil. You’re everything I could’ve wanted, you share my sense of humor, you’re gorgeous, you’re smart, you make me happy on days that, before I met you, would have been impossible to get through. Phil, I love you, and you’re so much more than good enough to me, okay?”
It was Phil’s turn to be silent.
“What can I do to fix this?” Dan pleaded.
“I don’t know,” Phil responded, “I just...”
“Anything.” Dan promised.
“I really don’t know what to do, Dan,” Phil whispered, finally letting the tears spill over his cheeks. “I-I need some time to think, okay?”
Dan’s heart dropped. “What do you mean by that?”
“I’m gonna call PJ, see if I can stay the night over there or something,” Phil answered, staring down at his brightly colored duvet.
Dan swallowed. “Alright,” he said.
“Is that okay?”
“Yeah.”
Phil got up slowly, ignoring Dan’s outstretched hand. “Just for tonight, I swear. I just need to think some things through.”
“Okay, whatever you need,” Dan answered.
Phil quickly called PJ, who said of course, Phil was always welcome at his house. Dan didn’t really expect any different. PJ was a good friend.
Before he knew it, Phil was out the door. Only then did Dan let himself wander down the hall to his own bedroom and cry.
summary: Soulmates!AU, Wings!AU. People had always told him that wings were the solution to everything, the key to your love life, your friend circle, who you are as a person, even. Yet somehow, Phil just can’t bring himself to see it that way. Who would want a soulmate that would never fly? (or, as my planning outline so eloquently puts it, kiss kiss fall in love you emotionally repressed motherfuckers) (disclaimer)
genre: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, au
warnings for this chapter: hospital setting, throwing up, mild body horror, blood, mention of passing out?, description of surgery (pretty vague), mentions of homophobia
warnings for each chapter are posted with the chapters themselves! if you can’t read a chapter because of a warning, let me know and i’ll summarize everything in a non-triggering way so you can move on with the fic :D
word count: 1.8 K
TWO
August, 2009
Phil woke to bright fluorescent lights dancing above his head in slow, circular patterns, a sore throat, and an uncontrollable urge to vomit.
He blinked, swallowed uncomfortably, and glanced around as much as he could while keeping his head down on the pillow. He spotted a small bin beside his bed and picked it up just in time, narrowly missing throwing up all over himself.
He heard quick footsteps coming across the room, and soon, warm hands gently brushing his long fringe out of his face. “Oh Phil...” his mum’s soft voice muttered just behind him.
Phil slowly pulled away from the bin, wiping his mouth with one of the tissues on his bedside table. “What happened?”
His mother smiled lightly, in a forced sort of way that made him already dread what she was about to say. “Well, you met your soulmate,”
Phil whipped his head around to look behind him in a split second, quickly covering his mouth with one hand and reaching for the bin again with the other at what he saw.
He had wings, alright. And they were beautiful, nearly three feet long so far and a deep purpley-black that glinted a bit blue under the bright lights. Somehow, the beautiful colors didn’t quite distract him from the barely-scrubbed-off blood in trails down his back and the tightly wrapped bandages around his shoulder and the base of his wing.
Phil grabbed the bin and clutched it close to his chest, unsure if he was going to throw up again or not. “H-how, what...?” his question didn’t need to be finished.
“Your wing was dislocated from the second it came out, love. The more it grew out, the worse it would have been, you did well to call for an ambulance when you did. The doctors said that it was because of how your muscles were positioned when your wings first broke through,” his mum said carefully. “It wasn’t anything to do with you or your soulmate.”
Phil sat straighter. “Dan!” he exclaimed, turning quickly, eyes frantically searching for his phone. He shrugged off his mother’s hands trying to get him to calm down. “Where’s my phone? I said I would text him when I called the ambulance, but I can’t- I can’t remember,” he slowed, resting his head on his hands. “Why can’t I remember?”
“When the ambulance showed up you were unconscious, love,” his mother whispered, sitting down next to him and placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “He knows you’re here- Dan does, I mean.”
“How?” Phil asked.
“He went to a hospital as well- He’s fine! Just to check in!” she said quickly at Phil’s eyes widening. “He told them as much as he could, and the nurses from that hospital rang all the hospitals you could possibly be at. He’s dedicated, that’s for sure. I like him already.”
Phil allowed himself a small smile. “I like him too,” he whispered.
“So, what’s he like? He lives all the way in Reading, so I’m guessing you met him through your Youtube thing, right?”
“Yeah, he really likes my videos, and all the same bands and games and stuff. We tweeted back and forth for a while, then we skyped, and now,” Phil gestured around the room, arms outspread, “here we are.”
“Well, I need more than that! Is he cute?” Phil’s mum smiled in the way that only mums can when talking about their children’s crushes.
Phil blushed. “Yeah.” He couldn’t help but marvel at how great his mum was, not even questioning that his soulmate was another boy, unlike most other people he knew. “He’s got a haircut sort of like mine, brown hair, brown eyes. He’s got dimples, Mum.” Phil broke out in a bright grin.
His mum couldn’t help but smile, too. “I’m glad, Phil. I’m really happy for you. I want you to know something, alright?” She paused, and Phil nodded. “I don’t care that Dan’s a boy. I don’t believe all those silly studies they put on the TV about how you possibly could be bad for each other. I just want you to be happy, alright? I know this isn’t something you could have chosen.”
“Thanks, Mum.” Phil answered, reaching over to hug her.
Their moment was interrupted by a doctor letting out a small cough at the door to alert them of his presence. “Oh good, you’re awake,” He glanced down, checking his notepad. “Phil. I’m Doctor Kim. I’m here to get you through all this and back up on your feet as soon as possible. I’m guessing you’ve been filled in on the gist of your situation?” He shot a questioning look at Phil’s mum, who nodded. “Perfect. So Phil, I can answer any questions you might have, then we can talk about treatment options, alright?”
Dr. Kim wasn’t a bad person, not by any standards. His smile was genuine, and you could tell just by looking at him how much he loved his work. However, there was something in his eye when he suggested Phil’s soulmate should visit as soon as possible that was almost... disapproving.
Phil wasn’t sure why it mattered to him; he didn’t need this random man’s approval of his soulmate. But somehow, his stomach was in knots. He suddenly flashed back to all the newspaper headlines he’d read across the table from his father as a kid, never thinking twice about them because they didn’t concern him. “Same-sex soulmates found to be possibly unhealthy in recent study” “Male soulmates killed in their home last week” “Same-sex soulmate couple refused service at local restaurant for being ‘diseased’, quotes passerby”. Then there was a lesser-known headline he had found online: “Same-sex soulmates study a hoax?”. This was his life now. That could be him, oh God, that could be him and Dan getting killed, thrown out, disgraced. He felt the need to vomit again, barely containing himself with a gulp. His mum tapped him on the shoulder.
“Phil, you alright? What do you think?”
He jumped at her touch. “Er, sorry, I zoned out for a bit there, what were you saying?” he asked.
“I was saying,” Dr. Kim uttered slowly, “The best possibility we have to straighten out the main shoulder joint and give you your best shot at flying is to go into surgery as soon as possible. Of course, there are other treatment options, but they would be considerably slower, and with less sure results. If we were to do the surgery today rather than waiting, your chances of flying in the future sometime would be about seventy-five percent. I really wish there was something better I could tell you, but whether you go into surgery or not is up to you. If you’d like, I could talk to you about physical therapy options and other methods-”
“No, no, the surgery sounds best, you’re right,” Phil mumbled.
Doctor Kim seemed pleased with this choice, immediately launching into a spiel about details of the treatment that Phil could barely comprehend as he spoke so fast.
The time of the operation was set for that night. The doctors would be cutting in just underneath where his wing protruded, resetting the bone, and putting in a sort of splint to keep it in place. All in all, it sounded pretty terrifying, but the one thing that scared Phil most was the possibility that he might never be able to fly.
“I’ll be back in about an hour with some paperwork for you to fill out,” Doctor Kim said, standing up and reaching to shake both Phil and his mum’s hand before quickly exiting the room.
Phil sighed, leaning forward and pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes, rubbing at them roughly then blinking away the spinning pattern that followed.
His mum handed him his phone. “Call him?” she suggested. “I’ll be outside,”
Phil nodded, accepting the phone and quickly dialing Dan’s number. It picked up on the first ring. “Dan?”
“Oh my God, Phil, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Dan asked, maybe a bit too loudly.
Cringing away from the loud noise a bit, Phil quickly answered, “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, I’m in the hospital now. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine! What happened to you?”
“Well, they’re not, uh, exactly sure why, but my left wing was dislocated when it came out. It’s fixable, though. They say I’ve got to go into surgery tonight so they can straighten it out.”
“Jesus, surgery? But... you’re okay now, right? You’re not, like, in pain or anything?” Phil could almost hear Dan’s blush through the phone and smiled.
“Yeah, I’m good for right now.”
“How about the long term though? You’ll be okay after surgery, right?” Dan asked anxiously.
Phil’s knuckles clenched into the bedsheets. This was the part he had wanted to avoid. “Well, like any surgery, I’m going to have to do a little while of physical therapy and stuff afterwards, just to make sure everything’s working right.”
“Well, that’s not so bad, right? You’ll be able to fly and stuff still. We’ve got that to look forward to,” Dan said, sounding relieved.
“There’s, like, a miniscule chance that I won’t- but I won’t let that happen, the chance is really ridiculously small, I’m sure I’ll be fine.” Maybe Phil was just an optimist, but he couldn’t see a future where Dan went flying off without him.
0~0~0
The hospital room was empty except for him. Phil sat alone on the hospital bed, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. A small voice from somewhere in the back of his mind told him to get up, shake this off, be ready for Dan’s arrival.
Somehow, he just couldn’t tear his eyes off the damn wall. He had lied to Dan. He had downplayed how big his chances were, lied in optimism that really everything would be okay, so maybe it was karma getting back at him when the doctors confirmed that there had been nothing they could do. Phil would never fly with Dan.
And it was the fact that he would now have to tell Dan that news any minute now when he arrived that absolutely broke Phil’s heart.
So maybe that’s why he didn’t react when Dan flung open the door to Phil’s room, grinning like a child on his birthday. Maybe that’s why Phil couldn’t quite look Dan in the eyes as he told him the truth. Maybe he didn’t want to see the way Dan’s eyes welled up and the way he pressed a hand to his mouth when the words spilled from Phil’s mouth in what felt like a crushing weight.
summary: Soulmates!AU, Wings!AU. People had always told him that wings were the solution to everything, the key to your love life, your friend circle, who you are as a person, even. Yet somehow, Phil just can’t bring himself to see it that way. Who would want a soulmate that would never fly? (or, as my planning outline so eloquently puts it, kiss kiss fall in love you emotionally repressed motherfuckers) (disclaimer)
genre: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, au
warnings for this chapter: blood mentions, body horror, swearing, hospital setting, surgery mentions, homphobia
warnings for each chapter are posted with the chapters themselves! if you can’t read a chapter because of a warning, let me know and i’ll summarize everything in a non-triggering way so you can move on with the fic :D
word count: 2.6K
ONE
August, 2009
The Skype ringtone sounded a lot louder than it actually was. Dan’s hand shook a bit as he hovered the cursor over the ‘accept call’ button. He couldn’t believe he was actually about to get to talk to Phil face to face after texting for so long. He clicked, waiting anxiously for the video to load up. Just as he was really starting to freak out, the familiar black-haired face popped up on his screen. Shit. He was gorgeous, as always. It suddenly occurred to Dan that Phil could actually see him, and he became very aware of how he usually looked at the screen. Phil certainly didn’t know about Dan’s not-so-little crush on him, and Dan wanted to keep it that way. How much staring was normal? Shit, was he usually obvious about it? Shit, shit, shit-
”Hey Dan! Is Skype working? Can you hear me?”
“Uh-yeah, hi Phil,” Dan stuttered out. “I can hear you, yeah. Nice to finally get to see you... and stuff.” He internally cringed in embarrassment. Why was he so awkward?
“Nice to see you too," he said, grinning widely. “So, what’ve you been up to today?”
Glad that this didn’t seem to be going any different from their phone calls or text conversations, Dan immediately launched himself into telling Phil all about his plans for his first Youtube video. Phil listened carefully, throwing in suggestions at appropriate intervals, and Dan was happy. He was practically on top of the world, just until Phil said it.
“So, one of my friends got their soulmate last week,” Phil started, rambling off into the whole story about how she was acting all weird now and how he was so jealous of her bright yellow wings, but Dan’s mouth had gone dry. Soulmates.
It wasn’t that he hated the idea of it, he was actually pretty fascinated by the whole thing. Just, he didn’t really want to discuss this with the one person he had ever wished would be his soulmate. He knew it would never happen. After all, soulmates were decently rare and what were the chances? One in billions? No way. Surely, There was someone better for Phil out there, someone else to fly with. A pretty girl with flowing hair and sparkling eyes who could make him laugh like no one else, probably, not a boring eighteen-year-old guy with a wannabe emo fringe and self-esteem issues. Not to mention they were both guys, and what people would say about that...
“Dan?”
He blinked. “Sorry, I just zoned out for a second there. What were you saying?”
Dan pretended that the topic of soulmates wasn’t an issue for the rest of the night.
0~0~0
Dan leaned back from the computer with a shaky breath the second he was sure the call had ended.
He could hear his mum calling from downstairs that dinner was in an hour and if he wanted a shower he better go get it now before his brother took it, so he got up and headed down the hall to the bathroom. Once inside he tugged his shirt off, shivering as the cool air hit his shoulders. Happening to glance over his shoulder into the mirror, he did a double take at the sight of his back. Blue, green, and yellow streaked down from the area between his shoulder blades, extending just past the base of his spine, like someone had dumped paint down the back of his shirt. Screw the shower. He had a soulmate. He dropped his shirt in the sink and sprinted downstairs, rushing past his mum in the kitchen and straight to the larger mirror in the hall, twisting around and trying to get a better look at the colors on his back. His heart pounded in his chest as he raked his eyes over the pattern of colors unfolding and growing under his skin, mind racing, going over all the people he had met in the last 24 hours. Only one stood out: Phil. But he had talked to him before! Just not face to face, he couldn’t let himself hope…
Dan’s mum had come out from the kitchen now, a grin plastered to her face. “Oh, Dan! Who is it?”
“Don’t know yet,” Dan lied, running his hand across one of the bumps emerging just above his shoulder blades, feeling the odd pulling sensation underneath as the scars he had running the length of his back since he was born (indicating the fact he would have a soulmate at some point in his life) were tugged and widened to begin letting his wings out.
“What happens now?” Dan desperately try to avoid saying it. Tried to change the subject swiftly away from his now-confirmed gayness. Unless they were meant to be platonic, but honestly he doubted it...
“Don’t you have any idea who they are? It’s not like you’ve done much today. You can’t have met too many new people,” she responded.
“I think,” Dan squeezed his eyes shut at the shitstorm he knew was about to come, giving in. “His name’s Phil.”
Silence.
“Well then, why don’t you call him?”
Dan’s eyes shot open. “You aren’t mad? That he’s a guy?”
“Not really. We can talk later, but right now you’ve got your soulmate and I’m happy for you.”
Dan felt a smile spread across his face, his arms going slack and shoulders dropping as he felt the weight of the secret fall off them. “Thanks, Mum.”
She returned his smile a bit weakly, but Dan didn’t notice as he sprinted up the stairs to grab his phone, which was already buzzing with texts from Phil.
<Phil>Dan my wings are coming in and you’re the only person i’ve met today go check
<Phil>Dan?
<Phil>Sorry in advance if I’m wrong but seriously
<Phil> <image> (ART TBA)
<Phil>Dan seriously
<Dan>Yeah mine too
<Phil>oh wow
Dan didn’t even bother texting back to that, just picking up his phone and hitting the CALL button under Phil’s contact.
He picked up on the first ring. “You’re my soulmate.”
“Wow,” Dan responded, “I didn’t know it could work like that, over Skype.”
“Me either,” Phil laughs, before suddenly cutting himself off. “You’re home right?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Something’s wrong.”
That’s the exact moment Dan’s heart stopped.
The tips of his wings had emerged from the scars on his shoulders by now, pushing past the layer of muscle that had kept them hidden all his life. The two, fleshy limbs stuck straight out from his shoulders at a rather hilarious angle, maybe only six inches for the moment and completely featherless. Adrenaline flooded his veins, making his shoulders numb and breath quicken. It was meant to be one of the most important moments of anyone’s life, and he couldn't find it in himself to care about anything other than Phil.
“Phil? What’s going on?” Dan asked urgently.
“I can’t, like, feel them? I can’t see, but I think one’s pointing, like, in the wrong direction.” Phil’s voice was quiet, but Dan could hear how scared he was.
Dan felt his mouth go dry. “O-okay, uh, I don't- what do you mean, different directions?”
“Dan, I’m going to call you back, okay? I have to get help, I'm home alone.”
“Phil-”
“Five minutes. Promise.”
Beep.
Dan didn’t get a call back. Not for five minutes, not for ten minutes, not at all. He stared at the phone in his hand blankly, willing it to light up with Phil’s number. He called twice himself the moment five minutes was up. Nothing.
“Dan?”
His ears were ringing, his mind was racing, filled with awful possibilities and what ifs that all seemed to point to the worst possible outcomes.
“Dan, what did he say?” He could hear his mother’s voice, but that didn’t stop the lump in his throat blocking his words. “Dan, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” his voice was croaky and fearful. “He just said something was wrong and his wings are crooked and he can’t fee them and then he hung up on me to call an ambulance, Mum, what...”
She reached for him, wrapping him up in a hug. “It’s going to be alright, Dan. Where is he? Did he say?”
“I don’t know, somewhere in Manchester, he said he was going to call for help, but what if something happened and he can’t-”
“Wait, how did you meet him if he’s in Manchester?”
“Online, on a video chat,” There was no point lying, he had online friends before and while he hadn’t video chatted with them, there was nothing he could change about it now.
Dan’s mother frowned for a short moment, pulling him away to arm’s length and sighing. She spoke calmly, softly, trying to get him to calm down. “So what’s he like, this Phil?”
"He’s...” Dan hesitated, there was so much to say. Phil was easily his best friend, even though they hadn’t known each other for long. He was someone Dan could come to with nearly anything, talk to into the ridiculous hours of the night, just... a friend. “Amazing.” He grinned to himself, just with the simple recognition of that fact (not to mention the pun).
Dan’s mum smiled. “He sounds lovely. I think we should go up to A&E though,-”
“What for?” Dan asked.
“I want to make sure you’re alright. If he’s got problems with his wings-” She cut herself off. “Just a checkup, yeah? And, maybe we can find a way to get in contact with Phil when we’re there.”
Dan wasn’t an idiot. He knew that wing disabilities were often shared between soulmates, but he could see how much it scared his mum. He nodded. “I’ll go get in the car then.”
The drive to the hospital was almost silent. Dan had zoned out a while ago, simply staring at his mother’s knuckles, turning white from her tight grip on the steering wheel. It wasn’t too long until they were there, and Dan suddenly was surrounded by friendly-faced nurses and doctors with clipboards asking if anything hurt. He assured them he was feeling fine for now, no, nothing was hurting. Once the nurses were satisfied that he wasn’t about to drop dead, they led him to a room where he was instructed to wait for the doctor to come in. The thin papery sheets rustled as he sat down, fiddling with his phone in his lap. He still hadn’t heard from Phil, even after a full half hour.
Dan almost didn’t notice his mum coming into the room, glancing up for only a moment when she sat down in one of the hard plastic chairs opposite the bed.
“I was just out there talking to one of the nurses,” She said. “They want to ask you a few questions that’ll help them find Phil, if that’s alright.”
“Dunno how much help I’ll be,” Dan muttered, motioning for his mum to let the nurse in.
The nurse was plenty nice, with a petite figure and a kind face, but Dan couldn’t help the bite in his voice as she went through the basic questions, eyeing her red and orange wings as she scribbled messily on her clipboard. What was his full name? (Phil Lester) Did Dan know his address? (No, why would he?) How did Phil describe his... Problem? (Dan recounted their phone conversation, eyes firmly glued to the floor and mouth set in a thin line.) Did Phil mention if he was home alone? (Yes.) Did Dan know any of Phil’s relatives contact information? (No, I just met him today, why would I?) Does Phil have any existing medical conditions?
Dan sort of lost it after that, standing up and shouting, “I don’t know, not that I know of! I only met him today for Christ’s sake, you can’t expect me to know everything!”
Silence fell across the room. Dan slowly sat back down, feeling ridiculous but refusing to apologize, looking determinedly past her at the cream walls.
She left soon after that, hugging her clipboard and wings tight to her body and frowning. Dan watched through the small window in the door as she recited her results to another nurse, who nodded and ran off. Dan pretended not to feel his mother’s worrying stare on the top of his head as he hunched over on himself, wrapping his arms around his own waist and not taking his eyes off his phone, balanced on his knee. His shoulders were stuck in an uncomfortable position due to his wings, and he had texted Phil 19 times over the course of the past thirty minutes or so with no response.
“Dan,” his mum started.
“I’m fine, Mum. I’m just nervous.”
“It’s okay to be scared, Dan.”
“I know that.”
The silence returned, settling over the room in a thick, heavy blanket.
“It’s just, Dan, are you sure he’s your soulmate?”
The words hit him like a punch in the gut. “Why wouldn’t he be, Mum? He’s the only person I’ve met today, we’re both growing our wings, and- It just makes sense, Mum.” Dan said the words with such confidence, but they settled at the back of his throat in a heavy lump.
“She’s right,” a voice said in the back of his head. “You’ve talked to him before, on Twitter and through text. Why didn’t this happen then? You were looking out your window earlier today, you could’ve easily caught some girl’s eye and-”
“Phil’s my soulmate,” Dan repeated, swallowing and pushing the voice to the back of his mind.
“It’s just- Soulmates like that, they’re said to not be- well, right, you know?”
“Like what?” Dan asked nervously, feeling nausea rise in his throat.
“You know,” she responded. “Gay.” Seeing the look on Dan’s face, she immediately added, “I mean, I’m not against it, but other people- You’ll get stared at for the rest of your life like a museum piece. You’ll be in danger. I once knew a couple in high school, their house was egged within the first week of them being open about it. There are even some studies that say gay soulmate pairs take more than the usual two years to start flying. I want the best for you, Dan.”
“But...” Words were failing him. He felt like falling. His mother, the woman who had raised him, his own family, she didn’t want Phil to be his soulmate. “I’m happy when he’s around.” His voice cracked, and so did her forced smile.
They were interrupted by a knock on the door. Looking away from his mother and wiping the tears forming at the corners of his eyes, Dan got up to open the door himself.
It was the same nurse from earlier, looking nervous as she glanced between Dan and his mother, sensing the tension there. “Um, we found him. He managed to get to a hospital and it looks like he’ll be fine, there’s just,” She wrung her hands, eyes darting across the room rapidly. “His shoulder and therefore main wing bone were twisted downwards when the wing first started coming out, disaligning the bones further down and causing a temporary numbness known as avian shoulder paralysis. It’s more common than you would think, but he’s had a bit of an odd case. I was told to tell you the surgery is looking good so far, but there’s about a chance anywhere from 50-25% that he won’t be able to fly, depending on what sort of treatment he decides to go forWe’ll let you know when we hear more. Press that button over by the bedside table if you need anything.” She left the room in a flash, and it took every part of Dan’s willpower not to meet his mother’s ‘I-told-you-so’ glare.
