I know my sister like I know my own mind
You will never find anyone as trusting or as kind
If I tell her that I love him she’d be silently resigned
He’d be mine
She would say, “I’m fine”
She’s be lying
[x]
It would be so easy. It's almost scary how easy it would be. He could just… lean across the table and his lips could be upon Tanheen's.
Light, he is breathtaking. His cheeks are flushed faintly from the wine, his eyes glowing happily and his lips moving, smiling, laughing. And what a laugh. Koumar could spend hours listening to it. Does spend hours listening to it. He wonders what that laugh would taste like on his lips, what delightful sounds he could draw from that perfect mouth, having that lithe body arching in pleasure beneath him. He wants those eyes to look at him with lust, with want, with love, the same way they look at his brother.
His brother… Tanheen is in love with his brother and Koumar would choose Anstarian's happiness before his any day. So he wishes and he wonders and he dreams, of lips he'll never kiss, of words he'll never hear, of a heart that will never be his. Light, if only they had met under different circumstances, maybe it could've been his name that was spoken with such deep love.
“Koumar?” The young elf is looking at him with a grin, almost embarrassed. “You are staring. Do I have something on my face?”
“What? Oh, no, I was just thinking about how pretty you are”, he says, hating himself for absolutely loving the way Tanheen's cheeks flush and Light, he is laughing again, glancing away. Koumar knows he is the worst brother ever the moment he reaches over the table and cups the priest’s cheek, tilting his head back up. “You are even prettier when you’re blushing.”
It would be so easy and it takes Koumar all he has to not lean across the table and taste those lips. He can’t. He never could, he knows that too well, yet his whole being aches for the other elf.
Tanheen laughs, batting the hand away and rolling his eyes.
“And you are such a charmer, thinking you are all smooth and enticing.”
“You know me so well, dear.”
“Too well, I would say.” The priest leans over the table and Koumar can feel his hot breath on his skin and he has to dig his nails into his palm to keep his self control. “I know what a nerd you truly are, beneath that polished facade. You are not fooling me.”
Now it’s Koumar’s time to laugh and Tanheen looks ridiculously proud over it. He leans back in his chair, a smug smile on his lips and arms folded across his chest. Those gorgeous eyes scan him and Koumar almost thinks he sees… desire? Love? That look, which is usually reserved for Anstarian, and Anstarian only, is resting upon him and the worst possible realisation dawns upon him.
Tanheen loves him.
The very next second, the priest has averted his eyes and grabs his glass of wine, his face flushed not with laughter but with shame and he tries to hide it behind fumbling with the glass.
Koumar wishes he had never seen it.
How is he to resist now, when he knows his love is reciprocated. How painful it is to know that what he desires is within his reach but he can never have it. He’d never betray his brother, never break his trust and so he has to resign himself to watch from a distance, savouring each brush of skin, each laugh and each shared secret. More than anything, he wants to make Tanheen his, to have him beneath him the the heat of the night, to wake him up with a kiss in the morning, to be dragged away from a crowd for a fuck behind the first best closed door. He wants to be the subject of every dirty fantasy and every sweet dream, but he could never allow himself to have that.
“Tan!”
Both elves look up, and Tanheen stands the moment he sees Anstarian approach them. His hair is wet from a shower and he’s dressed in his favourite shirt and pants, with a big smile on his lips and he just… glows. Koumar knows everyone in the inn can see it too, how he brightens up his surroundings by just being and he both loves and hates his little brother for it.
Tanheen melts into Anstarian’s embrace and hides his face in his chest, clinging to him like he’s the source of his life. The paladin smiles fondly and kisses the top of his lover’s head, closing his eyes and breathing in the scent of his hair. Then he opens them and meets Koumar’s gaze, happiness radiating off him.
“Hey, Kou”, he says and Koumar wants to die right then because he loves his brother beyond words and there’s nothing he wishes more than to switch places with him.
“Hey, little brother”, he says. His eyes are on the couple as they sit down, Tanheen in Anstarian’s lap with his arms wrapped around him and laughter on his lips.
The priest steals a quick glance at Koumar, shame and fear flickering across his face before he looks away. Koumar downs the rest of his wine, laughing at a joke he didn’t listen to and he orders another drink to drown the endless guilt and shame coiling in his stomach.
For his brother’s sake, he forces himself to pretend and be content with always being just out of reach.
