Absence of self vs suppression of self
I was first drawn to teaching because of what I experienced as prolonged “flow” -- that state of mind during which the conscious mind seems to be disconnected from one’s actions. This is a positive, productive experience while, for instance, playing the violin. This state of mind allows the body and deeper reaches of the mind to work more freely, without the conscious mind sticking its nose in and messing things up with its excessive reflections, questions, criticisms. I realized some time later, however, that the state of mind I was experiencing while teaching was a sort of anti-flow, in which my conscious mind was not freely wandering off somewhere else, but so overactive that it seemed to shut down. The result was having to rely entirely on impulse, which could have positive outcomes, but also severe negative ones. It made the entire experience unpredictable and panic-ridden. I found myself coming to, so to speak, while getting a drink of water between classes, or while driving home, having been in a state of suppressed consciousness for several hours. This often served to induce even more panic, since it is frightening to realize that you were not all there, but still driving a car at 50 miles per hour.
Teaching college classes these days, I no longer experience this panic-induced mental shutdown. I am still busy during class, but when I take a break, it is to drink water, not to remember that I am a person with a mind, a body, and basic needs.