the pretending is akin to a playlist on loop, several hours long and hidden from your profile
it hits you on the way home. it always does, and its cruel, because two hours ago you were laughing and smiling so much your face hurt. how does the coin flip that fast?
it’s cruel the way you never forget where you came from. the way its never just you, but always you as the cage for what shaped you. or maybe its the other way around, and you’re trapped in the cage. you never could tell. you write a little more in hope of making sense of the chaos, think about poems you wrote ages ago, how you’re undeniably better than you were then but they’re starting to feel like home again. how cruel is it that pain gets the term home without hesitation?
and you can still feel the fingers on your scalp, so soothing and gentle, but it’s not their voice running through your head. it’s not the soft i love you’s you’re almost starting to believe, its the steel and thinly veiled aggression that raised you. there are so many things you’ve worked so hard not to be, but they’re always there at the edges of your vision, begging to be let back in.
you’re cross legged in the kitchen, alone. drinking capri sun and liquor, and less than half of dinner. you pause the crying just long enough to take a call, say goodnight, i love you. then back to it, shivering and shaking, staining tissues bright red with the excuse of at least its on my terms. somehow always manage to skirt around the issue, never really answer the question. the last time you dug those crescents into your arms they stayed for two days.
you buy an avocado and a loaf of bread at the store on your way home cause at least it means you’ll eat today. ice the marks on your neck. they were sweet when they happened but now they feel like you’re losing yourself, losing everything you fought to make into truth.
you think about everything you know about yourself, how you understand why people stay when they should run, how close you are to falling for the burning allure of complete destruction. you think maybe the best way to stop feeling that fear of home is stop feeling anything at all. stop caring, make bad decisions in club bathrooms. stop wanting, stop needing. you’re not allowed the indulgence.
Apollonius Rhodes' Argonautica 2.385ff: Queens of the Amazons, Otrere and Antiope, built a stone temple of Ares what time they went forth to war.
Justin's Epitome of Trogus Pompeius' History of the World 2.4: Two sisters at this time held the government, Antiope and Orithya; but Orithya was engaged in a war abroad. When Hercules, therefore, landed on the coast of the Amazons, there was but a small number of them there with their queen Antiope, free from all apprehension of hostilities. Hence it happened that a few only, roused by the sudden alarm, took up arms, and these afforded an easy conquest to the enemy. Many were slain, and many taken prisoners; among the latter were two sisters of Antiope, Melanippe being taken by Hercules, and Hippolyte by Theseus. [...] Hercules, after his victory, restored his captive Melanippe to her sister, receiving the arms of the queen as a recompense.
Plutarch's Life of Theseus 27.5: [During the war with Athens,] wounded Amazons were secretly sent away to Chalcis by Antiope, and were nursed there, and some were buried there, near what is now called the Amazoneum. But that the war ended in a solemn treaty is attested not only by the naming of the place adjoining the Theseum, which is called Horcomosium, but also by the sacrifice which, in ancient times, was offered to the Amazons before the festival of Theseus.
Pausanias' Descriptions of Greece 1.1.47: When the Amazons, having marched against the Athenians because of Antiope, were overcome by Theseus, most of them met their death in the fight, but Hippolyte, the sister of Antiope and on this occasion the leader of the women, escaped with a few others to Megara. Having suffered such a military disaster, being in despair at her present situation and even more hopeless of reaching her home in Themiscyra, she died of a broken heart, and the Megarians gave her burial.
Tzetzes' Ad Lycophronem 1331: "and [Theseus] stole Orthosia from Themiskyra, she who subdued with the bow" This refers to Hippolyte. 'Orthosia' referred to Artemis. Now it refers to the Amazon Hippolyte. Orthosia Artemis, is named after Mount Orthosius in Arcadia, either because she is honored there or because she destroys those who give birth; for the goddess is a midwife. At least, this is what I say: having deprived the archer Antiope or, according to this Hippolyte, Orthosia Artemis because she loved her being an archer. Some also say that Orthosia is a nickname of Antiope or Hippolyte.
Euripides' Hippolytus 581: [PHAEDRA:] The horse-loving Amazon
Abduction
Apollodorus' Library e.1.16: Theseus joined Hercules in his expedition against the Amazons and carried off Antiope, or, as some say, Melanippe; but Simonides calls her Hippolyte. Wherefore the Amazons marched against Athens, and having taken up a position about the Areopagus they were vanquished by the Athenians under Theseus.
Diodorus Siculus' Library 4.16.4: Heracles, after thus killing the most renowned of the Amazons, and forcing the remaining multitude to turn in flight, cut down the greater number of them, so that the race of them was utterly exterminated. As for the captives, he gave Antiope as a gift to Theseus and set Melanippe free, accepting her girdle as her ransom.
Plutarch's Life of Theseus 26.1–2: [Theseus] made a voyage into the Euxine Sea, as Philochorus and sundry others say, on a campaign with Heracles against the Amazons, and received Antiope as a reward of his valour; but the majority of writers, including Pherecydes, Hellanicus, and Herodorus, say that Theseus made this voyage on his own account, after the time of Heracles, and took the Amazon captive; and this is the more probable story. For it is not recorded that any one else among those who shared his expedition took an Amazon captive. And Bion says that even this Amazon he took and carried off by means of a stratagem. The Amazons, he says, were naturally friendly to men, and did not fly from Theseus when he touched upon their coasts, but actually sent him presents, and he invited the one who brought them to come on board his ship; she came on board, and he put out to sea.
Plutarch's Comparison of Theseus and Romulus 6.1: The transgressions of Theseus in his rapes of women admit of no plausible excuse. This is true, first, because there were so many; for he carried off Ariadne, Antiope, Anaxo of Troezen, and at last Helen
Pausanias' Descriptions of Greece 1.2.1: On entering the city there is a monument to Antiope the Amazon. This Antiope, Pindar says, was carried off by Peirithous and Theseus, but Hegias of Troezen gives the following account of her. Heracles was besieging Themiscyra on the Thermodon, but could not take it, but Antiope, falling in love with Theseus, who was aiding Heracles in his campaign, surrendered the stronghold. Such is the account of Hegias.
Hyginus' Fabulae 30: [Heracles slew] Hippolyte, daughter of Mars and Queen Otrera, and took from her the belt of the Amazon Queen; then he presented Antiopa as captive to Theseus.
Voyage
Plutarch's Life of Theseus 26.2–4: A certain Menecrates, who published a history of Bithynian city of Nicaea, says that Theseus, with Antiope on board his ship, spent some time in those parts, and that there chanced to be with him on this expedition three young men of Athens who were brothers, Euneos, Thoas, and Solois. This last, he says, fell in love with Antiope unbeknown to the rest, and revealed his secret to one of his intimate friends. That friend made overtures to Antiope, who positively repulsed the attempt upon her, but treated the matter with discretion and gentleness, and made no denunciation to Theseus. Then Solois, in despair, threw himself into a river and drowned himself, and Theseus, when he learned the fate of the young man, and what had caused it, was grievously disturbed.
Son
Euripides' Hippolytus 307ff: [NURSE:] I tell you this in the name of that horse-riding queen of the Amazons, who bore as master over [Phaedra's] children that bastard who has thoughts of legitimacy, you know him well, Hippolytus–
Plutarch's Life of Theseus 28.2: Theseus did, indeed, marry Phaedra, but this was after the death of Antiope, and he had a son by Antiope, Hippolytus, or, as Pindar says, Demophoon.
Tzetzes' Ad Lycophronem 1329: This one says that Theseus took the belt of Hippolyta and gave it to Heracles, but he himself took Hippolyta according to this Lycophron, from whom he had the temperate Hippolytus. But we have said enough before, now we only say that Theseus had Hippolytus from Antiope, not from Hippolyta
Death
Apollodorus' Library e.1.17: And though he had a son Hippolytus by the Amazon, Theseus afterwards received from Deucalion in marriage Phaedra, daughter of Minos; and when her marriage was being celebrated, the Amazon that had before been married to him appeared in arms with her Amazons, and threatened to kill the assembled guests. But they hastily closed the doors and killed her. However, some say that she was slain in battle by Theseus.
Diodorus Siculus' Library 4.18.1–3: They were especially eager to punish the Athenians because Theseus had made a slave of Antiope, the leader of the Amazons, or, as others write, of Hippolyte. [...] When Theseus learned of the oncoming of the Amazons he came to the aid of the forces of his citizens, bringing with him the Amazon Antiope, by whom he already had a son Hippolytus. [...] And it came to pass that Antiope, who was fighting at the side of her husband Theseus, distinguished herself in the battle and died fighting heroically.
Plutarch's Life of Theseus 27.4: And after three months, [Hellanicus] says, a treaty of peace was made through the agency of Hippolyta; for Hippolyta is the name which Cleidemus gives to the Amazon whom Theseus married, not Antiope. But some say that the woman was slain with a javelin by Molpadia, while fighting at Theseus's side, and that the pillar which stands by the sanctuary of Olympian Earth was set up in her memory.
Plutarch's Life of Theseus 28.1: The "Insurrection of the Amazons," written by the author of the Theseid, tells how, when Theseus married Phaedra, Antiope and the Amazons who fought to avenge her attacked him, and were slain by Heracles
Ovid's Heroides 4.117ff: Your mother, worthy, by her energy, of her son, bore you, she the most courageous of the axe-wielding Amazon girls. If you ask where she is, Theseus pierced her body with his sword: not even such a child as you guaranteed her safety! Indeed she was not even a bride, experiencing the wedding torch – why, if not that you, a bastard, mightn't hold your father's kingdom?
Pausanias' Descriptions of Greece 1.2.1: The Athenians assert that when the Amazons came, Antiope was shot by Molpadia, while Molpadia was killed by Theseus. To Molpadia also there is a monument among the Athenians.
Tzetzes' Ad Lycophronem 1332: Herodotus of Pontus says that Theseus took Antiope either while she was fighting with him and was speared and fell by Molpadia the Amazon, or when she came as an ambassador of peace to the Athenians with gifts.
Hyginus' Fabulae 241: Theseus, son of Aegeus, killed Antiopa, the Amazon, daughter of Mars, because of an oracle of Apollo.
This section is for sources where the Amazon taken by Theseus is only named as Hippolyte, probably because it's similar to Hippolytus – though it's sweet to think of Antiope naming her son after her sister :'(
Either way, I thought I'd include them for completeness
Apollodorus' Library e.5.2: Hippolyte was the mother of Hippolytus; she also goes by the names of Glauce and Melanippe. For when the marriage of Phaedra was being celebrated, Hippolyte appeared in arms with her Amazons, and said that she would slay the guests of Theseus. So a battle took place, and she was killed, whether involuntarily by her ally Penthesilia, or by Theseus, or because his men, seeing the threatening attitude of the Amazons, hastily closed the doors and so intercepted and slew her.
Athenaeus' Deipnosophists 13.4: Ister, in the fourteenth book of his History of the Affairs of Athens, giving a catalogue of those women who became the wives of Theseus [...] Now by force were ravished Helene, Ariadne, Hippolyte, and the daughters of Cercyon and Sinis.
Isocrates' Panathenaicus 193: For our country was invaded [...] by the Scythians, led by the Amazons, the offspring of Ares, who made the expedition to recover Hippolyte, since she had not only broken the laws which were established among them, but had become enamored of Theseus and followed him from her home to Athens and there lived with him as his consort
Jordanes' Getica: Theseus moreover, took Hippolyte captive, and of her he begat Hippolytus.
Justin's Epitome of Trogus Pompeius' History of the World 2.4: Many were slain, and many taken prisoners; among the latter were two sisters of Antiope, Melanippe being taken by Hercules, and Hippolyte by Theseus. Theseus, having received his prisoner as his share of the spoil, took her to wife, and had by her his son Hippolytus.
This got veryyy long, so some time soon I'll probably do a summary, as well as look into some of the ancient art :)
Also, the Tzetzes translation is very strange, so if anyone knows of a better one I'd be forever grateful!
there’s a lady on the subway looking at me like she misses someone.
[i’m lying on the wood floor of my apartment and in the moonlight i see healed gouges in the lines of the rings. lovers’ hearts carved, covered by time. flaws to a carpenter, poetry to a romantic. growth heals, but never erases.]
[the snow doesn’t muffle sound nearly as much as it’s supposed to. i can still hear every car passing by, mirroring every conversation i wish had happened differently, everything i wish i had said, every regret i have. flakes fall on my eyelashes and i squint them shut. now, instead of the road, i see you.]
[i still think about that boy i knew for a few days in mexico, years ago. i’ve long since lost the notebook with his email, but i still know his name and how his grandparents were raising him. the girl in kindergarten, whose smile i still have burned into my memory. the neighbour in the pink house who refused a caregiver as she aged. my great-grandfather’s joy, and the last time i saw him. the way my grandfather never gave up. they’re all part of me. my soul is a mosaic of other people i’ll never see again.]
[you never realize, at the start, just how important they’ll become. how much of an impact they’ll have. nights spent awake, staring at the ceiling, a montage of moments and people and love and grief. the moonlight reminds you of her, the wood beneath you of him. the water by your bedside, candy from the convenience store, the door to a room you haven’t entered in years, a smell, a colour, a word. it’s inescapable. it’s beautiful. it’s tragic.]
how many more rings on the trees outside my window before i start looking at strangers like that too?
my psychiatrist seemed dumbfounded, when i told her we never buried our dog. no closure, no final goodbye for myself or my sister. just “she’s dead,” a few hugs, and that’s the end.
this house has never been big on comfort. it’s the way family members i’ve known since birth speak about our queer relatives, while visibly steeling themselves against compassion. grief has stained our walls, but we just paint it over.
i start crying in a darkened room and it’s “put on the tv, don’t think about the liquor cabinet” or any of the other ways i could drown, distract, dispel. dry your tears so the emotion isn’t visible in the morning.
i get told i’m loved unconditionally and savour it, because i need it, but a moment later remind myself it won’t last, because i don’t need the heartbreak. grief is a word we keep locked up. comfort is a word that sounds equally harsh; if you need it, well, that’s a problem.
fix it. be easy, bend all the way around but don’t you dare break. don’t become dependent on the medications that literally keep you alive. take on more, because you’re capable. ignore the limits. keep your foot pressed hard on the gas, ignore the warning signs. ignore the flashing lights growing brighter. don’t stop. don’t stop. you can’t stop. you can’t let it catch up. don’t let it catch up.
