Una mattina - Chapter 5. (final)
It took a cup of tea and a stop on a local café to make Levi learn how Hange, his partner perhaps for life, hid something big from him. Something as big as another person, and a baby, involved. Perhaps going out that day had been a mistake.
✩ Last chapter as promised (and announced)!! Thank you everyoe for liking the story or even just reading it :( it had been months since i wanted to post it and it's my little treasure... my own child almost. the end is very bittersweet, considering what happened during the entire story, but i figured out i wanted something not to sweet and not too sad/sour. be free to write me what you think about it ♡ NDA and even tmi again: this made me bawl my eyes out
After quietly eating her dinner, she sat on the couch and looked out of the big window of her living room. The sun had already settled in the sky, tiny stars timidly appearing around the place. Was Arthur looking at the nightly scenery just like she did? Would he enjoy it? Just the thought of Arthur looking at the stars made Lawrence want to tear up. If she got the opportunity, she would love to show him the nighttime sky during a clear day, maybe sitting on a rock by the shore with Arthur in her arms so she could feel him resting his head on her shoulder. The small, intimate family that she always wanted was all she could think of. She would give anything to be a mom to Arthur and see him grow up, watch him become an amazing human being.
Several minutes later, the feeling of staying alone in that house was suffocating. Lawrence grabbed her coat, wearing it over her long nightgown, and slipped some loafers in. The neighborhood was quiet, besides a group of kids playing around the street. The moment she closed the door of her house, that sound made her stomach drop. Her therapist would say walks would help her to clear her mind. There was nothing to "clear", since everything felt empty. The children laughing made her heart suffer a little less, yet reminded her she didn't know how Arthur's laugh sounded like. Lawrence didn't even know what her own son looked like. Nothing could soothe that pain. Lawrence walked away from her own place, not even greeting any of the neighbors she encountered on her way to the park. She just wanted to be alone, to think and have some time to process her thoughts, her feelings of emptiness after seeing Sam and his dad. Arthur was probably happy without her. Levi was probably a better dad. Lawrence always believed she was a good mother, yet she wasn’t given the chance to prove it. It was too late and her heart would forever be aching with sadness and regret of not getting to cherish Arthur the way she planned to do. As she sat on a bench inside the park, Lawrence brought her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. It was nice to see how parents would still bring their kids there, even after dinner time. Some of them even had an ice cream cone in their tiny hands. For the very first time in her entire life, as her eyes closed and took a breath, she prayed. She had never been a religious person, but felt a despair no words could ever explain. Lawrence prayed whoever was able to listen to her, asking for just a chance to see Arthur, to talk to him, to hold her own son in her arms. Asking for the possibility to be a mother.
Her pain and desperation were too much for anyone to bear. It was as if she was mourning Arthur, yet he was and well. She kept praying and praying, until her head began to spin and hurt, feeling nauseous. Maybe Arthur missed Lawrence, maybe he had always loved her and wanted to be with his mother. He would never get the chance of hearing her soft voice and feeling her warm embrace. But those thoughts were mere assumptions, and deep down, she knew they could never be the truth. Arthur didn't know who Lawrence was. He only got to know Levi, and probably was oblivious about thr fact she carried him for nine months and gave birth to him. She was just a stranger for Arthur, that was the harsh truth. Tears rolled down Lawrence’s cheeks as she kept begging for one final chance at motherhood. ____________________________________________________________
A week later after that one day, Lawrence had the time to ponder about what to do and how not to live her life miserably. There was no point in staying in Liberio if her son was never going to know about her existence. Living in that house, with that nursery, was hitting her more than she expected to. In a matter of days, she organised a trip to go back to her home country, in Britain, booked for the following week. To finally leave everything behind and grant herself a little bit of happiness. Lawrence couldn’t wait for the day she would fly away from that house, to escape the pain of knowing Arthur was so close to her yet so far. She thought about not say anything to Levi and just disappear, too, but what would he think? That she was abandoning Arthur? She would rather know he believed such a thing than to know the truth. That she was still mourning her son in a way that was making her sick, both physically and mentally. It felt weird to just fly away, leaving everything behind without a word. She felt like a coward for planning that. Event though Levi was the last person she wanted to see, Lawrence had to let him know about her departure to at least prevent some more accusations. She wouldn't hop on that ship and sail to the U.K. if it wasn't for that situation, yet staying in Liberio was beginning to make her mentally unstable. Not even meds were keeping up with her mental health. A rather chill Wednesday afternoon, she found herself at Levi's front door. Soft knocks echoed around his house as she waited for him to open. It had to be done. Levi opened the door and saw Lawrence waiting in front of it. His face was filled with curiosity, as he knew that Lawrence never visited him until that one day, since Arthur's birth. If she was there, it meant something serious had happened. Lawrence seemed paler than usual, and her face was a bit drawn too. She was either exhausted or depressed, or both. Levi couldn’t say for sure, not asking her about it and just inviting her to enter. “Hello, Lawrence.” Lawrence had to support herself on the wall next to the doorframe in order not to fall. She looked at the door opening but didn't step inside, she had no pleasure to be in a house where her own son, the same she was never going to meet, was living and probably playing in that same moment. Her gaze lifted up and met Levi's, speaking with a voice that was barely above a whisper. “I'll be quick,” She bluntly said, swallowing and letting her glance move from Levi to the ground, several times, before speaking up again. “I'm gonna move back to Britain. Permanently.” Levi didn’t like Lawrence’s tone, knowing it wasn’t a tone of someone who was announcing a simple departure. In fact, it sounded like she was about to cry. Lawrence was always so composed and quiet, yet Levi could tell that she was holding back some sobs.
After Lawrence spoke up, Levi felt a small pang in his heart. It all felt so sudden; first, she appeared at his front door out of the blue. Now, she said she was going to leave Marley forever. Despite everything that happened, something worried him. “You will come back, right?” He asked her, making his voice sound quiet and composed, yet it showed a hint of concern. The fact Levi was acting so clueless, after everything he did and said to her, made Lawrence irritated, as if it never happened and he actually cared about her wellbeing. The hand she had on the wall clenched into a fist, wiping some tears with the other one, trying to calm herself down before responding.
“Back to a city where my own son lives? The same son who doesn't know I'm his mother?” She almost hissed under her breath, tilting her head a little to the side as she uttered those words. “Is that what you mean?” Levi knew that Lawrence was right, that she had every right in the world to feel the way she felt towards Levi. She was right, but Levi didn’t know what to say, as Lawrence had her mind set in stone about her own decision. He couldn’t stand the guilt he felt, and it was making him sick. Her own son. Levi’s own son. They never met and Lawrence would never get back her moments with Arthur. “I’m sorry.” Was all Levi could say in a voice even softer than her own.
Lawrence quietly hit the wall with her fist, trying to calm herself down as she tapped the tip of her heel onto the marble steps of Levi's house. Yet, she had something inside of her that needed to come out. Everything she endured and suppressed in the past three years, everything Levi didn't see about her suffering. “Shove that being sorry up your ass,” She murmured softly, raising her eyebrows as tears spilled from her eyes and down to her cheeks. “Don't even try to act innocent.” Levi felt his heart breaking in front of him. Lawrence’s harsh words stung, even though her feelings were valid and she couldn’t blame her for that at all. He couldn’t help himself and felt anger boiling within him. His voice turned into a low growl; it was too much to hold inside himself.
“You act like I don’t hate myself for what I did. You don’t know how much I regret it every single day, how much I hate myself for taking him away from his own mother.” Lawrence slightly narrowed her eyes at those words, which widened right afterwards as she took notice of Levi's anger. He was the one getting mad over what he did? Over her being rightfully hurt by what he took away from her? Her quiet footsteps soon reached him, and hopping on one step of the front door, she spoke closely to Levi's face. “Don't even try to gaslight me,” She hissed again, feeling her breath fastening as annoyance began to flow through her veins. “You got what you wanted. You're not sorry.” Levi’s teeth grinded together as he saw rage on Lawrence’s face when she stood in front of him. He couldn’t say a word that would make her calm. “You know what? You’re right. I’m not sorry.” His voice was firm and the growl made him sound serious and mad about something Lawrence only knew. His eyes met her own. “And you know what? I’d do it again if it meant protecting Arthur.” Just like his jaw clenched, Lawrence's did the same. Her fist tightly closed until her nails were almost digging into the palm of her hand, and let him step closer as they spoke to each other. It was the aftermath of what they went through. What they've been lodging for three long years and never got said out loud.
“You mean stealing someone's baby, since Arthur is Hange's son?” She asked sternly, yet with a hint of sarcasm and mockery in her tone. “Or you want to impregnate me and steal that baby too?” Lawrence’s question was too much for his gut to handle in this moment, and Levi felt his face grow red with anger. His nostrils flared as he stared at Lawrence for a few seconds before he lost control and let out a growl with loud words. “Don’t you dare put such thoughts in my head!” He shouted, losing his cool at last. How could she ask something like that to him? His mind began to spiral out of control, sending him over the edge. Lawrence exhaled deeply and shook her head. Levi's outburst was everything she needed to know about him and the way he was convinced about being right about what he did. There was no point in arguing anymore, or keeping the conversation going. As she took a step back, her eyes were on Levi, yet their faces were still some inches away from each other. Lawrence's expression was showing nothing but resentment towards him, mixed up with pain and annoyance. That confrontation, however, was pretty much needed. Levi’s breathing started becoming heavier as he tried to calm himself down. His face was red from shouting, but he didn’t regret telling Lawrence how he felt. What needed to be said was said. “You’re leaving. And I’m glad.” Her words hit him like a bucket of freezing water, feeling hurt and angry. His eyes were full of resentment and disdain towards Lawrence as she took a step back. “Don’t come back. I never want to see your face again. Be gone already.” Lawrence kept her gaze locked with Levi's as she moved away from the front door, down until the iron gates to exit his property. As if a cruel coincidence just decided to manifest in front of her own eyes, a fly was bothering her and she waved her hand to make it go away, following it with her eyes. Then she froze. On the first floor of Levi's house, out on the balcony, a child with dark brown hair and curious brown eyes was intently looking at her. Lawrence felt her knees weak. It couldn't be. It was Arthur himself.
Levi, who was about to slam the door in Lawrence’s face, stayed still once he saw her reaction when she noticed Arthur in the balcony. Levi himself couldn’t believe his own eyes and felt like he was hallucinating. He had never let Arthur see her, yet there the kid was, staring straight at Lawrence. Arthur was looking at Lawrence, intrigued and curious, as he watched her closely. He had always wondered about her, who she was and why his father never let him meet her. Yet, he saw her now, and he wanted to approach her.
In that eye contact, Lawrence could see the creature she carried on for nine months inside her womb. She got to see him once, right after his birth, but those were indeed his eyes. It was her son, yet Arthur didn't know she was his mother. He looked at her as if he wanted to know who she was, as if she was a mere stranger. Tears filled her eyes, stinging and making them burn. Her prayers, in the most painful way, were heard. Lawrence finally got to see her own son, even if her heart felt like someone was stomping on it more and more. Levi didn’t know what to do. Seeing Arthur staring at Lawrence filled him with a new kind of anxiety. He had never let Arthur know who she was. Arthur just saw a woman who was staring lovingly back at him, as if the woman was his real mother. Lawrence seemed so overwhelmed that Levi didn’t dare to speak or move. The kid would wonder why she wasn’t his mother, or why she wasn’t with them. Levi could see why Lawrence always kept her heart closed. Arthur was looking right at her with love in his eyes.
It felt like the cruellest joke one could ever imagine. Her own son was just feet away from her but she couldn't interact to him. Arthur was staring at Lawrence like a kid would with everyone, with innocence and joy in his eyes. How could she even walk away knowing her own son was right in front of her. With the corner of her eyes, Levi's reaction was crystal clear. She didn't want him to shout in front of Arthur just to send her away. Lawrence took a step back and opened the gates, yet her eyes never stopped looking at her child and tearing up. Arthur’s eyes widened when he noticed that Lawrence was slowly moving away. He didn’t want to see her leave. He couldn’t. Arthur didn’t understand what was going on in reality, but in his mind he felt like her mother was trying to run away from him. “Mommy?” By the time Arthur uttered that single word, using that soft baby voice, Lawrence swore her heart stopped. Everything that happened afterwards was unrolling in front of her eyes without her getting a grasp of it. She felt her knees so weak to the point she dropped on her knees, and with her upper body lowered a little, loud sobs echoed around Levi's garden. Was it fate to play tricks on her? How could Arthur, who never saw her growing up nor knew who Lawrence really was, call her as his mother? Even though more and more questions plagued her mind, it felt so empty in the meantime. She never recalled crying that hard before, maybe once. Her chest would hurt at each whimper and sniffle she made, not carrying about being heard anymore. Arthur’s eyes went wide in shock when he realized that his mother was crying. As if that wasn’t enough, Arthur was even more confused and sad when Lawrence seemed to want to leave. Arthur, who was just a kid, felt a deep sense of abandonment that only adults could truly understand. Arthur called out to Lawrence again. “Mommy, come back! Don’t leave me alone!” He cried and ran to her, his little arms up in the air, desperate to have her close to him. Levi was shocked at Arthur’s reaction towards Lawrence. The moment Lawrence embraced Arthur in her arms, the deep sense of sorrow she felt in the previous three years vanished for a moment. His tiny arms wrapped around her neck and she hugged her son tightly, crying over his little romper as she sat in the pebbled ground, caressing his soft hair in the meantime. What he said to her was enough to make her feel even worse, how could Arthur even think she was gonna leave him? Yet, that hug made her feel at ease. Lawrence didn't know what was making her cry anymore, but it didn't matter anymore. Someone up there took care of her pain. Arthur was crying so hard as he hugged Lawrence and yelled for her to not leave him. He was too young to understand what was happening, as all he felt right now was the love for his mother. “Don’t leave me! I love you!” He whined, trying to reach higher to hug her better. Levi couldn’t move a single inch. He was shocked at Arthur’s behavior and at his words. How coul Arthur feel such affection for her, if she didn't even know her? That, to him, was impossible and yet, there was evidence of it right in front of him. If Lawrence had to respond to that question, she would've asked herself the same thing. Lawrence couldn't understand how Arthur immediately knew she was his mother, they never met before that moment. She heard how mothers have that unbreakable bond with their biological kids to the point they would recognise each other everywhere. Was it the case?
“I'm never gonna leave you,” She whispered against Arthur's ear, giving her son soft kisses on his soaked, red cheeks as she spoke. “Mommy loves you.”
Arthur was crying even harder as Lawrence embraced him and told him she wouldn’t leave. It was a sweet moment even though it was too much of a coincidence. The boy held his mother tight as he cried all his tears out. It was probably the first time he cried with no shame, feeling loved and at peace in her warm embrace. After what felt like hours, Lawrence got up from the ground, while still holding Arthur, and moved towards the front door, where Levi was still standing against the doorframe. She felt so much relief, after battling with her mental health, to the point where her heart couldn't almost bear it. Her free hand reached for Levi's, placing it on Arthur's back, and gave him a faint smile, with her tear stained face and her red eyes. Then, she spoke up. Lawrence could never separate her son to Levi. He grew up with him, he cared about his wellbeing. The child was his. Those words felt so weird as they came out of her mouth, after what happened in the past years. But they came from a dark corner of her heart, too dark for her to understand it, or how her mind worked, and they felt right. Genuine. “He's your son, too.” Levi finally broke the silence when he heard what Lawrence had to say to him and saw her grabbing his hand. He felt like the world had stopped. “I thought…” He began to say, with tears in his eyes. It was true. Arthur was his son too, maybe not biological, but he had raised the kid with his own hands and he was part of him. “He’s my son?” Levi asked. It was hard for him to come to terms with it. Lawrence nodded and pushed away Levi's hand from her son's back, just to held it tightly as she let her own words sink deep into his mind. Even though that entire ordeal between them was more than horrible and it all started with Arthur being Hange's son, Levi made sure the child was loved and nurtured. He was indeed his father. He would've died for him. “He grew up with you, and you provided him everything he needed,” She said gently, intertwining her fingers with Levi's as she spoke up. “You're rightfully his father.” Lawrence’s words were like a revelation to Levi. Arthur was his kid. Even though he hadn’t created him directly himself, he loved him and cared for him as if Arthur was his own. And now his mother was saying that Arthur was his son too. Levi had never felt more emotional in his life than at that moment.
“He’s… my son.” Levi repeated with a soft smile, his mind racing with thoughts. He was a father, he had a kid. During the past weeks, however, Lawrence came up with another thought she let linger in her mind for days, but always pushed away at some point. Everything started because of Hange's infidelity, and even if she was indeed the side chick, Hange played both Lawrence and Levi. Why still being on a war for someone else's behaviour? “Hange cheated on you and didn't care about me, either,” She pointed out firmly, taking a breath and exhaling through her nose. “We both got wronged. Arthur is our son.” What Lawrence said made Levi think back to the reason why Arthur was born in the first place. She was right. It all began with Hange cheating on him and Lawrence getting mixed in that mess. Levi was still trying to process the revelation that Arthur was his son, and everything that happened until that moment. A smile appeared on his face as he heard Lawrence speaking the truth. Silence fell on the two of them, both Lawrence and Levi finally taking a grasp of what had been under their noses their entire time. There was no point in fighting anymore, and she was tired of it. All she wanted was to be Arthur's mother, and for some twisted reason, she was willing to get over what he had done to her. A shared look made the two of them realize how tiredsome it had been to keep up. It was time to give Arthur the mother he deserved and the father that kept him safe all those years. Their lips curled up a bit, sharing much more complicity they were expecting to feel. “Our son.”
