When I first joined this fandom in late 2022, I had some traction with some stories. And some people reached out to see if I wanted to join a discord server that was owned by a person who at the time had over 1000 followers and posted quite frequently. She was popular, though she presented herself as much more popular than she was. Let’s call her Z.
I did not connect with everyone there, in fact I was uncomfortable for reasons I will go into in a moment, but there were some people I really did connect with, and I stayed to be close to them. And then one day, my closest friend there was kicked out of the space with little to no explanation. He begged the mods and Z, formerly his close friends, and was blocked. I combed the server, but I couldn’t find anything that he did that in my opinion was worth kicking him out. Then he began losing followers and receiving many hurtful and upsetting anons on his tumblr. Angry, because I suspected they had something to do with it, I stopped posting in there and later left. I was disgusted that this was going on and they were acting to my face like it wasn’t, and still sucking up to me about my stories. He said he was worried about me believing him, believing that whatever he did, he didn’t understand what it was. But having witnessed Z’s behavior in her server I had no problem believing it was her and her friends.
Z used to find fanfiction or art of ships that she didn’t like, and @ everyone in the server to come look at it, despite knowing it was extremely distressing for some members. If you protested that you had no issue with these ships in fiction but that maybe you didn’t want to see that on a Tuesday at work in the general chat, Z and her closest friends would harass you (me) to say that it was bad, and evil. She often called for people to unfollow these artists, or block users who she had found and showed to us without any participation on our part. Despite this she frequently became interested in dead dove subject matter, but it was always ok when she did it. Boundaries did not exist to her, except for the boundaries of her taste and how she thought the world should be. Z would routinely make jokes about sensitive subjects like trans rights, and let's just say it felt like it wasn’t her place. But don’t worry, Z would say, I have friends who are [joke she had made] [from country she had insulted] so it’s fine. There’s only so many times you can hear a joke like that and not wonder why it’s being made over and over. If you were offended, everything was a joke, or there was something you didn’t understand.
This server was a deeply uncomfortable space. Many times I felt harassed over my politics, over my opinions in fiction, and it was often easier to just swallow this. When I met my friends there, they showed courage standing up for themselves and I am so glad that I found them. With them, my experiences of this fandom lightened enormously. Z and her friends had made me so paralyzed, paranoid and unhappy. I had been afraid to even talk about my race however tangentially. I was afraid to make posts against anti behavior, because they had so twisted the way I thought the Billy fandom would perceive them. Thankfully I do not think that the majority of the fandom agrees with her views.
Z apparently has been presenting harassing my friend as a misunderstanding. Perhaps the misunderstanding is that she thinks any of this is harmless. Misunderstandings can be overcome, discussed, apologized for. If someone is confused, you can explain, you can be civil. There was no discussion.
Z made no effort, except to further talk about him and others behind their backs. She never reached out to clear anything up at any time. Her excuses when she made them were frankly shocking. And she never explained to me why my friend was so dangerous, but hid behind fake apologies and more popular friends, lying to my face like things were all good. My friend made a post when he felt safe with her username and the username of another person who harassed him. My friends that I kept from that server are the bravest people I know who understand that reputation means nothing if you can’t look at your own actions with conviction. And Z went away for a time.
Until I earlier this year, I was invited to a very large Billy server. Immediately I was confused by a user I had seemingly never seen before who had me blocked. It was Z, with a new name. She had me blocked until she saw me interacting positively with a very popular artist. Then I somehow became unblocked. Which was very interesting. I came to find that she was very close friends with them or tried to be. She appeared to be very close with the owner of the server too.
I was obviously wary but who knows. People can change. I really believe that. Unfortunately I do not believe that she has changed yet.
All of her old behavior was back as was my paranoia and fear. And it appeared that, emboldened by her friendship with the owner of the server and others, she felt safe going even further. Here was finally what she had craved, a large platform and popularity to continue her previous behavior. I later came to find out that the owner of the server had her own issues with bullying others, twisting the truth, and other, much more serious things. They showed the same character that Z always did, sweet to my face and sour behind everyone’s back. Yet again people said that they worried they wouldn’t be believed. They were afraid of the fandom famous people who were their friends.
Perhaps it’s just me, but if I had been called out in the past for bullying a trans person online I would distance myself from any appearance of transphobia or bullying or lying. Not Z. She in fact announced that she would bully the mods and “everyone” in the server when people joined. I am not paraphrasing, she said he was a bully so often that it was almost comical. She openly said she was an anti when someone confronted her over AGAIN trying to publicly shame authors and create mass unfollowing campaigns. There were no or minimal consequences for this. She would casually bring up the same old jokes and dogwhistles that she used to, uglier with time, and to me pathetically stripped of anything that could have excuse them.
Nobody told me these things. I saw it with my own eyes. But still, somehow, she was the hero, the popular beloved person in every story. I was afraid because she had very powerful friends. Or at least she pretended she did. Because she was friends with a server owner who hurt people I cared about. I am still afraid now. But I’d rather do it afraid for my friends than watch this happen.
I would give up every stupid note on every stupid meme if it meant trans people, and all vulnerable people, felt safe in fandom spaces. I am tired of dishonest communication and trying to play some stupid game I never fucking cared about. If some popular person wants to crush me like a grape for believing my friends, they can go ahead and do it already.
Everybody wants to be liked, everybody wants to be believed. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. But I’m done waiting for people to believe me or like me. I’m done waiting for people to wake up and take a look in the mirror. To explain and to deign themselves to listen. I believe in my friends. I believe my eyes, and I believe in my own convictions. That’s enough for me.
I believe people can change. I hope they do. But I hope they do away from vulnerable people who they can hurt carelessly.
Can we please stop shading other folks in this fandom for no reason? It's obvious and weird and unnecessary lol you can make a post about something you like without putting something else down. You're just a bully when you do that.
We went through enough drama for the last nearly two years.
Also: Apple addressed what happened, said she didn't know who was right or wrong in the end, accused us of slander, apologized but not really, hoped her words granted us healing and sent her love. If it's not clear, she hasn't changed a single bit. She took no true accountability for her actions.
She gave a lot of us genuine trauma and ptsd. We also have screenshots of her abhorrent behavior. Do NOT go after her. We are better than that. Don't forget that! Stick together.
That's what we were supposed to do after that mess. It'd sure be nice to enjoy what you love and not care about others, especially if it's only to make them feel bad. 🙏
in the wake of the recent drama situations going on and my head being on many places about it. i think i finally have something proper to add and say.
i haven't been on billy hargrove tumblr for many personal reasons that made me feel discouraged. no drama in particular, beef with everyone or me experiencing abuse. my own neurodivergent non english speaking brain process everything differently to the point i remain a loner. is a complex matter but that's another story.
last year i made my original personal blog archieved and left it as many types of crap went on my life and i stopped engaging on billy tumblr/tumblr in general the same way i used to.
with that said, i tried finding a place on discord for the gaps this site left on me, main ones were billy brainrot and roleplay lol.
during this period, i was actively talking to one of the two people who have been called out ror many messy horrible things like transphobia and manipulation.
the name of that person is masha, as far as i'm understanding she's been criticized for her patterns of hostility and TERF vibes. we, along with two more friends, whom i still talk to, related on the things that made us feel discouraged on billy tumblr and it was one of the things that joined us together. it frankly saddens me to see how all of our original purposes have been overshadowed thanks to masha's toxic traits.
she was the one who introduced me to apple's server, that had a great start but sooner i'd start to feel the clique-like manipulative vibes that many people are bringing on apple's toxic traits.
while neither of them did some serious direct harm in the way they did to others, at least two of them being my friends too whom i reached privately and i apologized for not seeing the red flags sooner. i stand with them and everyone who is bringing both of them to rightful questioning and to call them out of their disgusting behaviour.
i won't associate with people that are manipulative, transphobic, narcissistic and clout chasers. i deeply regret giving them the benefit of doubt and investing my time to offer them my friendship, that i took their word above what it was truly going on behind closed doors. this is why i decided to cut ties with masha from my all my mutual lists. here's to hope they get help and heal to grow doing better in a future.
my thoughts go with all the people on this community that are talking about this.
i don't know if i'll come back to post stuff about billy, harringrove or ST related in the way i used to back in 2022, as i find out i'm safer playing in my own little sandbox while talking to whoever that genuinely is interested in me or what i have to offer.
however, my support and solidarity is with all of you 🩶
1. list 3 positive things about your current fandom(s)
• PEOPLE is one for sure, everyone is just so lovely 🥰
• it's very interactive, which I'm still getting used to because tumblr used to be the place where I came to shout into the void, mass reblog stuff and then disappear for 3 months lmao
• constant new content even during hiatus; all the gifsets, edits, fics, videos... every day you have new stuff!
3. a character that fandom has helped you appreciate
I... don't know? fandom usually makes me rather distance myself from characters... though I gotta say, the more people complain about the love interests on the show the more I'll love them out of spite (and because most of them are just fine actually)
7. your favorite tropes to read/write/draw
• to write: forced by circumstances to live/spend extended time together in the same space, major misunderstandings, getting together and anything in the realms of canon compliance/divergence
• to read: getting together, doing things in the wrong order, misunderstandings and friends with benefits who are actually very much in love and just being incredibly stupid about it
I want to be clear. If you have hurt people and lied and manipulated it needs to stop. If you admit that your friend is a terf and allow them to continue to flourish on your server where I know there are trans people it needs to stop. If you misgender people behind their backs it needs to stop. If you spread bigotry and lies about other creators for no reason it needs to stop. If you are ableist to people, if you talk down to people or treat them like trophies, it needs to stop.
I am sick that I allowed this person access to my event and to my spaces. She is now removed. I am sick that there is or was hate flourishing on her server. I am proud of everyone who has spoken up and those who have not spoken up yet.
All this, it doesn’t just need to stop for me and my friends. This is not good for you. This is not safe or healthy. And all I want is for that to no longer continue.
I really do wish healing on all of us. I think undoing all the tangled webs of what this person has said about this or that person will take time. I wish I could make it all better in an instant. And I’m sorry.
Firstly, when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) 💚💜
oh god, i am so bad at these but i will do this for you apple💜
