I understand that “you don’t need to understand it but you need to respect it” is true and an important statement, but I wish there was also some awareness that maybe it isn’t cool to shove on people’s faces how much you don’t understand it or think it’s weird or see no reason for it to exist or think it’s probably fake
like I get it, you don’t want to be lumped with the weirdos, you don’t want people to approach you asking how can a certain orientation, gender identity, belief, neurotype, etc. work, you find all those ~weird labels and other terminology~ inconvenient and wish other people would shut up and be/act like you even if you don’t say it out loud
but if you really care about not hurting other people with what you say, you should also work on not taking every opportunity you get to tell the world you are Still Normal even if you support/don’t actively shit on The Weirdos
(for instance, if you can understand how being a man is a thing and you can’t understand how being genderfae is a thing, even though these are equally vague, saying you "can’t understand how someone could be genderfae even if you won’t send hate mail for it” is still sending the message that you don’t think being genderfae is equally valid as being a man)
I think it’s interesting that a lot of people around me reported getting surprised this pride month, saying they just now discovered some of the people they followed on Tumblr were anti ace/aro inclusion.
Because nothing happened to me?
Here’s what I do so I don’t have to deal with “surprise REGs”:
1) Not follow blogs without checking.
Is there an about/byf? Then check if the person is:
against using the words monosexism/allosexism (if yes, don’t follow even if you don’t use the words)
against ace/aro/intersex/etc. inclusion (if yes, don’t follow, obviously)
against REGs/exclusion (probably safe, at least regarding being a REG)
Is there nothing like this?
/search/asexual, /search/ace, /search/discourse and /search/aromantic are your friends.
Nothing there? It’s possible search doesn’t work on the blog. Go to the front page of the blog, and search for a word the person actually uses. If nothing appears, search is disabled.
Then you’ll have to browse that blog for a while (which you should be comfortable doing anyways if you are considering following it). Then, it’s possible to:
Come across anti-inclusion dogwhistles
Come across pride posts made by REGs
Come across basic “aces/aros are valid” posts
Not come across any LGBTQIAPN+ content at all
Depending on the blog, you may also want to look for tags where you can find these posts more easily, such as “the discourse” or “q word” or “pride tag”.
If there are just occasional dogwhistles and REGish pride posts, but the rest of the blog seems neutral or pro-inclusion, the blog is probably safe.
If there are a lot of posts made by REGs, even if they don’t mock QIAPN+ people or explicitly say “asexuals aren’t LGBT” or whatever, the blog is probably NOT safe. Maybe the person doesn’t want to be seen as a bigot even if they are, and maybe the person is still “flirting” with the idea, but still, don’t follow if you don’t want unfortunate surprises, especially if there aren’t inclusion-favorable posts to balance it out.
If there are a few posts including a-spec pride stuff, or saying “x is valid” but nothing explicitly acknowledging them as part of the community, the blog is still suspicious, unless there is no other REGish content there at all (including dogwhistles and pride posts).
If you don’t come across LGBTQIAPN+ content at all, it’s possible the person just doesn’t usually blog about that stuff, but in my experience, those blogs are usually safe.
2) Block liberally.
Come across a shitty post? Block the person. Then check the notes and block people who agree. This way, if you search on Tumblr for, idk, posts talking about being trans or about ableism, posts from those blogs are not going to appear, and then they are easier to avoid.
3) Unfollow liberally.
If a person that you only follow because of a shared fandom starts talking about a-spec identities or nonbinary labels as jokes, unfollow. If someone reblogs a well-meaning post about how ace people encourage internalized homomisia or whatever, unfollow.
I mean, if you have some connection with the person, you may want to talk to them. But if you don’t, don’t feel guilty for unfollowing or blocking anyone. There are thousands of blogs out there.
Some posts may seem innocent enough, but maybe they are only introducing the subject slowly.
Disclaimer
I’m not saying anyone has to do this. Each one’s Tumblr experience is their own. I’m just giving those hints for those who really don’t want REGs on their dash.
interpreting “hey, do you know of meatspace ace/aro/a-spec activism before the internet? I’m feeling a little down since most pride history posts don’t list any a-spec people on them and I would like to know if there were people like me there too” as “cishet aros/aces always have had the worst and I don’t care about anyone else on the community, talk about them instead” is just... assuming the worst out of someone just because they are aro and/or ace which is not only dismissive but also amisic
heck, I’ll bet the asker was a troll, since a-spec people in general usually have to be really careful to who they talk to and how regarding a-spec stuff since a lot of people hate a-spec people around general “LGBT” circles.
anyways, some places that have stuff about a-spec people historically:
the issue is: even though there may have been several people who knew they were gay without sexual attraction, bi without romantic attraction or with few to no attraction but still lesbians, and so on, people didn’t coin so many labels or care about differentiating themselves, or at least those efforts weren’t widespread or taken seriously.
this doesn’t mean a-spec labels are less important; but it’s harder to identify something that isn’t there, especially when no one around you says there is something that actually fits your experience.
I’m sure that back then, just like now, there were people forcing themselves to be on relationships even without attraction because they don’t know of how they would live otherwise; people who for all or most of their lives are though to be gay/lesbians because they don’t feel attraction to the gender people tell them they should; people whose dysphoria or neurodivergence affects their attraction in a way they can’t frequently have attraction, have attraction at all, or have attraction but not relationships.
our terminology can be new, but our experiences aren’t.
I just remembered I kind of wanted to make a post about how aceflux/aroflux people (and people with similar orientations) are glossed over a lot when talking about ace experiences in general; I mean, we sort of know what the allo experience is, but we also sort of know what the a- experience is.
I can’t remember anything further than that, though.
it’s great seeing things for LGBTQIAPN+ people that explicitly include asexual people as part of other communities, but it’s rather worrying that many of those things explicitly list asexual/ace-spec but not aromantic/aro-spec.
it’s not even an issue of “oh now we have to list every single group”, because most of the time it would make perfect sense to just use a-spec instead of asexual, ace or ace-spec.
“sexual orientation is what really matters because it’s what people always refer to when asking your orientation / it’s what defines most superficial conversations / sex is seen as essential in our society”
or
“romantic orientation is what really matters because it affects long term relationships / because most stories and songs talk about love rather than sex / because most people see romantic love as something essential for humans”
how about
“some people consider their sexual orientation more important than their romantic orientation; some people consider their romantic orientation more important than their sexual orientation; some don’t know how to separate their sexual orientation from their romantic orientation; some know how to separate them but they think those are equally important or have different weights depending on their current situation; and regardless we should respect people’s choices of labels, community affiliations and (lack of) prioritization of one side over the other”
