God i think it was confusing that I was aroace because I always *want* to be dating someone bc I attach strongly to them (BPD). But literally I am always sooo excited for them and want them to have a crush on me and so happy when they do so of course I date them but literally every time within five minutes of dating anyone I start to panic like oh god what have I done.
It's like there's a little trap with a treat in it and I trot on over like treats??? For me?? (My NPD traits not helping! Need that attention!) But as soon as I eat the treats the door closes on me and I'm in a cage and I feel the walls closing in and im aaaaaaa
Also when I started dating people they keep like. Starting to act weird after like??? My intention is always to say lets keep doing basically what we are doing but label it dating now to describe the intensity of attachment and to say cute lovey things to each other and kissy (something I would do with most of my friends and kind of had to teach myself not to do so ppl don't think im being romantic). But the other person starts acting different and acting entitled to my time and suddenly being all different and im like aaaa no i wanted to date specifically bc i liked how it already was and was trying to indicate how much i liked it why are you changing it!!!! Aaaa
Anyways the asexual/aromantic panic is real even when you do not know you are aroace. Perhaps even moreso bc you keep Putting yourself in Situations
(The personality disorders are NOT HELPING!!)
