I’m Jace— though I used to go by Simon, largely due to how much this book meant to me when I needed it most. But due to amnesia, I forgot everything about it— so now I’m reading it all over again. This is the second part of my thoughts log while reading.
Log 1 | Previous Log | Next Log
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Healing is a long process, and my first log was 20 days ago. And that’s okay— this isn’t something I should be rushing anyway. It took a while, but I’m ready for the next chapter. These are a bit more scattered thoughts than last time.
Chapter 3: Simon
I do not mention it here, but CW Car Crash for those reading along.
The way Simon was talking about Candle in the wind made me spit my drink out— and it was worse by the implications of it setting on fire! I don’t even have one, but that’s terrifying!
I had no idea Simon gets kidnapped much less in CHAPTER 3? And why is the goblin singing Elton John? Is this implying Elton John is goblincore?
Simon makes everything about Baz somehow. I thought his obsessiveness was a fandom designated trait since that’s just how fandoms treat some ships, but MAN. DOWN BAD AND IN DENIAL!!!! But also me too, I would love to be Simon and have Baz start speaking to me in French….
Simon just casually decapitating a goblin in one sentence, no big deal. Taking a sec to shill the podcast Inn Between, I am thinking about it because that’s how the inn there was named, haha. If you like found family, DND, and queer main characters, go check it out.
Simon not knowing how to drive is actually real. I’m 24 and still don’t have a license.
I don’t know Simon, the mage has got a point for once. Regional slang is important, I’d be damned if I wasn’t allowed to talk about my jojo fries or grabbin some steamer or a little jimmy. But that is not to say, eating people and regional slang are equal issues! One may be more important than the other!
Ebb mention :) Love how it’s a little lore drop but also ebb crumb :) I sure do hope nothing bad happens to her :)
I remember now, back in high school. I would write Carry On fan fiction for creative writing club, and my instructor would get so excited by names like Crowley, Merlin, Methuselah, stuff like that. And I would just sit here like “they just say this normally in the book why are you praising me for mentioning these people😭” But he was just really excited over literature.
Is this the first time we actually meet Penny in person? I love her so much already. We love a snarky best friend that will tell you the truth straight up.
Elspeth mention! I think she was in one of my fanfic series where I shoved a lot of background characters in there to give them some attention. Congratulations for your perfect attendance, sorry for the interruption!
It’s unlisted now, but I made a book trailer for Carry On for class way back in the day. I remember it now because I threw in the scene here, where Penny was mad at Trixie for coming back. Her dynamic with her was always really funny to me, I wish we could have seen it explored more.
The Humdrum looks like the 11 year old version of Simon, does this mean that it’s supposed to represent his childhood, somehow?
The chapter ends on that little lore drop that brings about my million dollar question.
Chapter 4: Penelope
Our first chapter without Simon, featuring Penny! I love that for her, but it already looks short.
She cares about him so much and that much shows from her perspective, though his state also worrying to me… every autumn he came back like that? No wonder, the mage never even attempts to care for him. I’d like the idea of a little AU where Penny does run off with Simon and get that flat in Anchorage— or Casablanca, or Prague. Wherever it is, it feels like a cute little slice of life. I’m not sure if she means they would live to see the far end 19-20 years old, or 2019-2020. For their sake, I hope it’s not 2020, haha.
But as much as she is willing to run away, I’m glad she also recognizes his importance other world… sadly. But, and this may be an uncommon take, what obligation does he have to save this world in the first place? I’m not sure if he would pose the question himself, with his reluctant devotion to the great mage.
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I think ending it here is good. We got a few lore drops, a few surfaced questions, and I feel more at ease getting further. I don’t think it’s gonna take another 20 days for the next log to come out, but I can’t make any promises. Once again, if you made it this far, thank you for listening. I hope that if you’re trying to heal, you find a way that works for you— like revisiting a beloved book is for me.
Carry On by @rainbowrowell saved my life— but I don’t remember Carry On, or even my life. So, now that I’m finally able to start picking up the pieces, I’m seeking the solace of an old friend. I am not sure if these logs will reach anyone else, but at the very least I hope it can reach myself.
x | x | Next Log
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Opening my copy, I’m not sure what edition this is. There is a quote that I know is important, but I don’t remember the context. “You were the sun... And I was crashing into you.” This page folds out to reveal a map. I recognize some of the location names, but I don’t know their significances. The goats in The Hills Beyond make me smile.
I close the map and flip the page, there’s some reviews but I see ink bleeding out from the other side. I flip.
“Carry On, Simon!
Rainbow”
I used to go by Simon. It is the name attached to this blog, but I don’t know how I got a book signed by the author. Although, it made me immediately smile to see it.
I don’t know why I keep hesitating to go past the Book One page. Some part of me is afraid of what I will find, but another yearns to discover what’s behind those gates that are shown in the artwork.
I need to stop stalling. I’m just gonna do it.
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Chapter 1: Simon.
I don’t know why reading the first page made my heart start aching. It’s all introduction stuff. I had to take a break after to stop and think.
The mention of the mage, that made me really upset. What did he do? My head keeps saying ‘he was like your father.’ That makes me think the mage treated Simon very, very badly.
Writing that out calmed my heart, so now I can get back to reading.
Chapter 2: Simon
There’s a line in chapter 2 that sticks out to me, ‘I’m the blade. The Mage’s sword.’ It makes it seem like Simon is being used by him. Could have just said the first line, and it would have made sense. My heart aches again, and I still don’t know why.
I understand Simon’s thoughts about the mage, and the familiar pain that oozes through his words. Talk of spending time, acting like you’re caring and loving, only to send you away each chance you get. I’m starting to understand my previous attachment to this book.
The Insidious Humdrum feels familiar too, but Simon and Penny are talking about him as if he’s the enemy. I don’t know why, but this feels… odd, though I can’t explain it. I can just tell there is more to the Humdrum, something I want to understand. And I feel that at some point I did understand, and that’s why reading this segment is odd to me.
Simon is making a list of the things he missed. Making lists is something I do too, it’s really helpful to me in the exact way he describes— helping ease into whatever the list is of so it doesn’t overwhelm you.
Sour cherry scones! That made me remember something, it’s been a while since I’ve had some. There was a time when I was so excited to see an international food aisle with Aero bars, and then running to the bakery to find some cherry scones. They didn’t always have sour ones, but I liked the regular too. I don’t know how, but I can taste it in my mouth right now. It’s a nice, nostalgic feeling.
It’s funny how ‘roast beef’ got replaced by Penelope on the list. There’s a part about how when he met her, he was surprised by her name due to her skin tone, and when she asks what she should be named he thinks of names that feel stereotypical. She informs him, ‘Someone like me can be named anything.’
I feel like this is good to highlight, Simon understands in the future his impression was wrong and knows he was being stupid. But that’s the thing— he was young. There’s a lot of stupid things you say when you’re young that you don’t realize were wrong until later, that’s what feels realistic. And I’m glad he had someone like Penny to help him learn that you shouldn’t assume anything about a person based on what they look like. Because she’s right- everyone is unique and can be named anything, and they can do what they want with their hair. People aren’t just what you see on tv, as the lens of media especially in regard to different kinds of people can be very inaccurate.
I’m raising my eyebrow a little at him talking about the football pitch only to lead up to talking about Baz. I get the feeling he’s gonna bring up Baz a lot, unnecessarily. I only vaguely know what happens with them, so it’s silly in an endearing way that this starts so early in the book.
How does the Watford dressmaking department know how much he’s grown to get him the perfect clothes to fit? Kinda weird!! (It’s probably just some magic thing.)
I was amused at him saying they could wear capes and was COMPLETELY caught off guard by him saying he looks like a tit. I am suddenly reminded that this book uses British slang. I’m sorry I didn’t make the connection yet, I am a silly little American!
Simon mentions the Mage again, and my amusement dissipates. It hurts how Simon phrases some things, because I can feel his pain personally. I can understand when he says he put the Mage on his list when he was younger, and has wanted to take it off many times. The pain of being ignored, trying to defend it by saying ‘but he still takes care of me, and when he’s there for me, it’s good.” But the way he speaks, Simon is still hurting. The Mage shouldn’t be there ‘when he does have time for me’. The Mage is someone who took him under his wing and is supposed to guide and care for him, someone who is the closest thing to anything he has. The Mage should make time for him. It’s one thing to be a provider— but Simon is right, the mage is not his dad. I understand why I latched onto Simon, because that’s essentially how I was feeling, wasn’t it?
I’m noticing that I can easily and happily read through the book until they bring up The Mage. When that happens, everything starts to hurt. But sometimes you have to hurt a little so you can heal a lot, so I’m pushing through.
I don’t really know who Micah is. Did the fandom just not really talk about him? I know through my rereading of my fanfics, there’s a lot of background characters because when I hyper fixated I want to bring attention to the little guys. But I don’t think I’ve written about him like that, is he more relevant later or did I just not care for him?
He says when he’s alone, magic is his burden. But going to Watford, it’s just the air they breathe. I feel like I can say the same about a few things, and that makes me feel seen even more than Simon’s character already does.
Oh, Ebb! Seeing her name makes my heart light again, is she a really good one? She must be with the way Simon is talking about her.
I feel like I had someone in my life like Ebb, and why do I get the feeling the more I think about it, that both didn’t make it when I reached the end of the book?
The next page is kinda whiplash? I get a chuckle out of ‘Fuck the wavering wood.’ and then BOOM. RELATIONSHIP DRAMA.
I feel like there’s way more to that story, but I understand the conclusions Simon makes on his own through his emotions and just by the sheer fact he can’t learn anything else about it.
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This post is getting long, so I'm going to end this log here and continue in another. This is the most personal I have ever allowed myself to be, and I already feel lighter because of it. I doubt anyone will actually get this far, but if you have-- thank you for listening. I was struggling for a long time, broken long ago and feeling as if I would never find out how to put myself back together again.
But something like that doesn't have to be forever. Wounds are able to heal no matter how deep they are-- I know mine are starting to, especially with my 'old friend' here beside me.
