#asd thoughts

[blackberryjaami]

Thiiiiiiis! Dealing with this is a slow death of a thousand bleeding cuts.

Invalidating feelings

Ignoring obvious signs of distress/cries for help

Taking support, energy, and love without returning it

Justifying comments, jokes, slights at someone’s expense

Not showing up or putting in the absolute bare minimum of effort

That is not love. That is insidious and malicious emotional manipulation. I cannot stress this shit enough!

I am so fucking tired of having to explain this shit, and I am pissed off to the highest degree at the notion that it should be accepted to maintain peace. Suck my balls with that noise. FUCK peace.

Either SHOW UP or FUCK OFF.

[blackberryjaami]

Mic check…..

*ahem*

I am lonely.

Thank you for listening.

[blackberryjaami]

So yesterday I had a meltdown at work. Why does that shit always happen in a public place?! As if it’s not demoralizing enough to be having an emotional reaction but then to have people be aware of it adds another layer of embarrassment. I had to leave early and spent the rest of the day lying in my bed, catatonic. The thought of speaking was too much to bear. Thinking was too much to bear. Being was too much to bear. The mask slipped and everyone saw me at a weak point. I don’t want to be seen as fragile or unstable. But the reality is that I am so dysregulated and I don’t have proper support to help provide a buffer or outlet.

I had a delayed reaction to turning 40 on the 8th. Not the fact that I turned 40 and feeling some type of way about that. I’m actually happy to be this age and seeing how far I’ve come. That being said, it occurred to me that I am 40 years old and I do not have anyone stable in my life that I can depend on intimately. Everyone leaves but not before taking a sliver of me with them. I’m left here to figure out how to move forward and every time I think things will be different with the next situation, the same thing happens. I just need someone to stay with me and help keep my pieces together because I cannot do it on my own anymore. I don’t want to do this life on my own anymore.

[blackberryjaami]

Okay I really need to stop feeling all of my feelings all at once all the time everyday. I’m too exhausted to process.

[blackberryjaami]

I don’t often legitimately gasp when I come across things on Al Gore’s Internet™️. But mark this day, I gasped. Yes, I motherfucking did.

[blackberryjaami]

It’s been my experience that people don’t really give a fuck. You’d think that by now, at my age, I should know better. Goddamn my trusting nature.

[blackberryjaami]

Impatiently waiting on the beautiful shit to happen. I am firmly in the bitter as fuck stage of life and that’s probably why things are stagnant. It’s honestly all I can focus on, the bitterness of the past. One day I’ll be ready to let it go but for now it’s all I have.

[blackberryjaami]

Random facts coming atchu🤧 lol

While frequenting parking lots around town, I came across a very peculiar looking bird. It was pretty big and a little intimidating. Ok, a lotta bit intimidating. Sooooooooo being the oddball that I am, I was curious about the type of bird it was BUT I had to take a pic so I could show my son proof that I’d found the Biggest Bird™️ (if you know, you know cuz I don’t know whatchu herrrrd🦆) in the wild.

Fast forward to today and I’m in that same parking lot but near a small pond and there’s ton of these big screeching birds!! So to the Google I went. They are Muscovy ducks! Annnnnnd the male Muscovy duck is the largest duck in the world, they can weigh up to 15 pounds which is slightly terrifying.

The more you know, hmm.

xo