Unapologetically Quirky

Peer inside the cluttered mind of a woman on the path of discovery.

[blackberryjaami]

I don’t often legitimately gasp when I come across things on Al Gore’s Internet™️. But mark this day, I gasped. Yes, I motherfucking did.

[blackberryjaami]

Mic check…..

*ahem*

I am lonely.

Thank you for listening.

[blackberryjaami]

According to the universe, 2026 is supposed to be a transformative year for Aries. I wonder……when should I expect to see this transformation? Do I need to actively pursue the change or let the change happen as it will? I’m at the point in my life that I’ve made so many life choices that, in hindsight, haven’t been the best. It’s made me a bit nervous to make any decisions because what if I get it wrong again?!

For context because we all know that context is key!…..I have a job shadow tomorrow for a new position. It’s a good move (I think) for several different reasons….

1. More hours

2. In a hospital setting which i what I’ve been wanting

3 More money (hopefully!)

There’s probably more but my brain can’t generate anymore talking points.

This looks like the ramblings of an unstable individual. Little do you know xD

I’m gonna eat some Red Vines and veg out for the night. Wish me luck!

[blackberryjaami]

I’m feeling pensive today. Head in the clouds. Stuck in my head. Needing my mind to turn down the volume for a bit so I can rest. My thoughts keep turning back to all the choices I’ve made over the years, good and bad, and I cannot figure out where I went wrong. While I have little to no regrets, I have lots of doubts. I simply don’t know if I have made the right decisions. Seeing as how I can’t seem to get ahead in life tells me that I have gotten things undeniably wrong.

How can I ever hope to regain my role as a parent to my children if I can’t even take care of my own basic needs? I still feel like a child in so many ways - flailing about through life hoping to stumble onto the correct path or in the path of someone willing to help me along. Someone has always come along at just the right time to take my had in theirs, give me a boost up, offer me some type of solace or relief, and I rise. No such luck at the moment and I am genuinely scared. I’m not confident that I can rise up on my own. Deep down I know that I haven’t the slightest clue as to how I’m supposed to do that.

I’m a 40 year old adult but I desperately need someone who’s much more adult than me.

[thoughtkick]

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually be afraid you will make one.”

— Elbert Hubbard

[blackberryjaami]

Why is it that even when I think I’m winning, I’m actually losing? Furthermore, should I be okay with losing if I’m maneuvering towards something better?

[blackberryjaami]

Can’t sleep, will microblog.

My brain won’t shut up. I have to be up at 0300 and my silly brain won’t turn off. All I ask for if 5-6 hours and it’s still too much. Whyyyyy?😭

While I wait for sleep to take hold, if it ever does, I’ll word vom for the time being. There has been an overwhelming amount of change in a very small amount of time which is disorienting for me.

The good stuff!…..I got a new (to me) car, Rowan the Boat. So clever lol. Rowan is a Prius. Maybe some of their responsible nature will rub off on me. Maybe. The big news is that I got a job offer in Missouri. I applied on a whim because I really do need a change of scenery. Went through the interviews and got an offer. Now I have to organize a move within the next month.

The not so good!……I know that I’m both running from and towards some things. My body is telling me to go and do it now. Life doesn’t work on that vibe so I have to stop and allow things to fall into place. I don’t like it. Either way, I need to put a lot of distance between myself and D. It’s not a long term situation I want to be in. Lesson more than learned. I’m also running headlong towards someone that snuck up on me in a good way. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future but I want to explore it to the fullest. I just hope the gnawing in the pit of my stomach isn’t indicative of anything serious.

Im probably struggling to shut my brain off because I know this move is on shaky ground. It could easily implode and then I’m stuck in another place where I’ll be alone. I hope this works out. I don’t know how much I’ve got left for life changes.

[thoughtkick]

“You’ll end up really disappointed if you think people will do for you as you will do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you”

— Fuckology

[blackberryjaami]

I had an interesting experience today and I have feelings. Not necessarily bad feelings - just feelings. Bittersweet, longing, joy, agony, confusion, and so many other things but I’m not crushed by them. A piece of my heart returned to me today and for the first time in years I felt a semblance of peace. I was reluctant to say goodbye to the person who holds that piece but it couldn’t be avoided. I don’t know if we’ll ever share space again even for a brief moment which shakes me to my core. However, it made me realize that A) some things in life are unavoidable, and B) I have to trust that one day we’ll meet again. I’ll keep the piece of his heart safe and I pray that he will carry mine with care. More importantly, having my heart whole again brought a spark of warmth back to my life that has been missing for so long. I want to hold on so tightly to that feeling but it is fleeting. Universe, bring him back to me one day. I’ll be here waiting.

[blackberryjaami]

So yesterday I had a meltdown at work. Why does that shit always happen in a public place?! As if it’s not demoralizing enough to be having an emotional reaction but then to have people be aware of it adds another layer of embarrassment. I had to leave early and spent the rest of the day lying in my bed, catatonic. The thought of speaking was too much to bear. Thinking was too much to bear. Being was too much to bear. The mask slipped and everyone saw me at a weak point. I don’t want to be seen as fragile or unstable. But the reality is that I am so dysregulated and I don’t have proper support to help provide a buffer or outlet.

I had a delayed reaction to turning 40 on the 8th. Not the fact that I turned 40 and feeling some type of way about that. I’m actually happy to be this age and seeing how far I’ve come. That being said, it occurred to me that I am 40 years old and I do not have anyone stable in my life that I can depend on intimately. Everyone leaves but not before taking a sliver of me with them. I’m left here to figure out how to move forward and every time I think things will be different with the next situation, the same thing happens. I just need someone to stay with me and help keep my pieces together because I cannot do it on my own anymore. I don’t want to do this life on my own anymore.

[blackberryjaami]

Okay I really need to stop feeling all of my feelings all at once all the time everyday. I’m too exhausted to process.

[blackberryjaami]

Personal traits that have been used to describe Me:

Amiable

Agreeable

Cheerleader

Emotional support buddy

Caretaker

All of the above are wonderful qualities, in and of themselves, however, can I share with you what they have brought me?

Heartache

Loneliness

Sadness

Grief

Anger

37 years of life spent in the service of others, while rewarding in a lot of ways, has left me with virtually nothing and no one to call my own. The very same people that I poured my self into to shoring up, vanished when I needed them most; left me broken, drained, weakened, and desolate. Where is my support? My cheerleader? My rock?

When I asserted myself, broke away from the pack, began to advocate for myself, do you know what the labels became?

Arrogant

Egotistical

Selfish

Self-centered

Foolish

Villain

Toxic

Crazy

Stubborn

Difficult

Impulsive

Reckless

Short sighted

Absolutist

Exacting

Cold

If I’m silent, I am wrong.

If I’m vocal, I am wrong.

If I’m confident, I am wrong.

If I’m anxiety-ridden, I am wrong.

If I want to give up, I am wrong.

If I want to live life to the fullest, I am wrong.

I will strive to reclaim the negative labels, carve them into my stone wings, and channel them into action. If I’m wrong regardless of what decision I make, then what is the use choosing less than what I know I deserve?

[blackberryjaami]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Jimmy Knowles (@jimmy_on_relationships)

Play the video

Reflect

Replay the video.

Play it again at max volume.

Fix your shit.

Bonus: Save the video in case you need a goddamn reminder.

[blackberryjaami]

Life at the Flying J truck stop has been nothing short of interesting, to say the least. I’ve come to recognize the regulars like myself - car living, van living, truck living, everyone simply trying to live. I often wonder do they break down in tears when the heaviness is too much to bear? Are they lacking support or running from something that brought them here? Do they want to be invisible like me?

Much like the regulars from the Walmart parking lot in Florida, there’s an odd sense of neighborhood that develops overtime. Everyone has a particular space, we all go about our routines, we dwell and pass the time separated by yellow lines on concrete. No one knows the other’s story but we co-exist together for a time. We will all move on someday but the memories will remain.

In honor of my time here I’m compiling a playlist of the music from the restroom. It seems fitting somehow.

[blackberryjaami]

It’s been my experience that people don’t really give a fuck. You’d think that by now, at my age, I should know better. Goddamn my trusting nature.

[blackberryjaami]

Impatiently waiting on the beautiful shit to happen. I am firmly in the bitter as fuck stage of life and that’s probably why things are stagnant. It’s honestly all I can focus on, the bitterness of the past. One day I’ll be ready to let it go but for now it’s all I have.

[thoughtkick]

“Im not used to being loved. I wouldnt know what to do.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

[blackberryjaami]

Truly loved? No holds barred? Does that even fucking exist in this life?

I can honestly say that I have never been loved right. Period. What I thought was love, was a lie. But who the fuck am I kidding?? I wasn’t meant to be loved. Not for myself.

Will I wanting and hoping? Not until they put me in the fucking ground. Because love is all.