Discover Top Posts Tagged with #asexual!harry

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

Author: Me (laborinquena on AO3, yosoylaborinquena on Tumblr)

Pairing: Drarry (Harry/Draco)

Rating: T

Length: 2.1k

Summary: Harry and Draco have been dating for a few weeks and Harry thinks it’s time to come out to Draco as asexual. He just hopes Draco takes it well.

Some Tags: Internalized acephobia, overcoming internalized acephobia, coming out, Harry Potter EWE, asexuality spectrum, coming out to a partner, Asexual Harry, Demisexual Draco, mention of past Ron/Harry, mention of past Harry/Ginny, mention of past Justin/Harry, brief discussion of sex.

Note: This is based off of my experience as an asexual person and should not be considered universal. Some people on the asexual spectrum may relate to this, some might not. Please keep that in mind. Thank you to @phoenix4dragon and @keyflight790 for the beta and read through!

*********************************************************

You know the feeling when you have something to tell your partner but you’re scared shitless? That’s me right now.

The Savior of the Wizarding World, also known as The Boy Who Lived, is scared of telling his partner he’s asexual.

I’ve only been dating Malfoy (Draco) for a few weeks now. Which is nice and everything, but I’m scared to ruin it. So many people think I’m just making this up or that I don’t want to have sex with them, but it’s more complicated than that. If I didn’t want to have sex with someone I would just tell them. That’s usually not a big deal (unless you’re a woman but that’s another issue).

But telling someone you experience little to no sexual attraction to anyone? Especially if it’s someone you’d like a future with? It’s more terrifying than fighting Voldemort.

Every time I start a relationship it feels like it’ll be a nice one. But most of them leave after they learn there won’t be any sex. And while some asexual people choose to have sex or have sex for their partner, I just can’t do that. And before you ask me if I’ve tried– yes, I have. Though even if I hadn’t, I would be just as valid. Experience, or lack of, is not needed.

It’s hard for people to understand asexuality too, because there’s so little representation out there or people get offended quickly and don’t let you finish explaining. Some people don’t want to understand it. Some people take time to understand. Some people never really get it.

And it’s hard to tell people since you’ll get the inevitable round of questions or comments like “Maybe you haven’t met the right person yet,” “Have you tried sex? How do you know?,” “What about your partner? You’d be depriving them of sex. That’s unfair to them,” “Don’t you want kids?”

I get a few other questions, but I’m sure you get it. I get a lot of invasive questions and comments, and some of them, like my sex life, is none of their business. People like to get involved in what they shouldn’t for entertainment I guess. It’s annoying when they poke at your life and question every single thing you are. Why do they care?

It’s hard to tell them because of all the judgement you receive. No matter how you answer (or don’t answer) their questions, they will never be completely satisfied. Some people don’t think it’s a real orientation and then there are people in your own community who tell you that you don’t belong.

I have enough internalized-acephobia to go around without some assholes telling me everything I already struggle with. All my thoughts and insecurities are constantly in the open and it’s tiring.

It was hard enough to acknowledge that I feel no sexual attraction to people. It was hard to even accept it. It was almost impossible to come to terms with the fact that I will never have biological kids. All I’ve ever wanted was a family. I know I can adopt, and I sure as hell plan on it, but what if my partner does want sex? That’s something I’ll never be able to give them. It’s the one thing I can’t compromise on and for some people that’s a deal breaker.

And it’s okay if it is; I don’t blame you. I personally rather tell my partners upfront so that they know what they’re getting into.

And then sometimes, albeit rarely, this happens. Where I’ve slowly started developing feelings for someone who doesn’t know, someone who’s interested in me too, and now I’m scared to tell them. I know I should tell them as soon as possible, because it’s easier to amicably break up and move on. I rather not get fully invested in case it is a deal breaker.

My relationship with Draco has been different from the start in every way. Nothing’s predictable with him and while I love that, in this case it scares me. I’m sure he knows something’s up at this point. He’s hinted at sex a few times but he’s never pushed. I think he thinks I’m not ready. And in a way I never will be.

I know he expects sex; everyone I’ve been with has. Only two people I’ve dated have been fully willing to continue to pursue a relationship with no expectations. Ginny, and Ron, actually. The Weasleys are doing something right.

I’m quite anxious it’ll be a deal breaker for Draco, because for once, I’m hopeful. Like, utterly and completely optimistic. I can’t even stay realistic. I try not to get my hopes up because you never know, but with him, I really want him to be okay with it. And even if he is willing to date me, I really hope he’s not like Justin Finch-Fletchley. Justin had said he didn’t care, and then he asked when I’d be ready for sex six months later. I had felt completely totalled; I had explained clearly and then a few months later he ‘forgot’ all about it and had been expecting sex all along. He had thought I just wasn’t ready and that he could change my mind, as if it were an opinion or a choice.

And I know Draco isn’t Justin, but that doesn’t make this any less nerve-wracking.

Our friendship and our relationship has evolved so much since Hogwarts. We were rivals all throughout school and then were civil with each other after the war. It wasn’t until we kept running into each other at the Ministry (and St Mungo’s) that we started properly talking. Those short hallway talks led to longer coffee meetups that slowly turned into longer and more tender moments in each other’s flats. It wasn’t until we spent however many hours in each other’s presence unpacking everything that had happened that we were able to move forward and forge some sort of intimate friendship.

And months later, here we are. At the beginning of what looks like a promising relationship.

I don’t want him to think that I’m trying to get out of this relationship, because that would be a lie. I want this relationship. I want to see where this goes. I want him. I just hope he’ll have me.

I have to tell him. I don’t like feeling like there’s some sort of impending doom hanging around me. I need to be honest with him.

Maybe I’ll tell him tomorrow, during our not-really-scheduled-but-inevitable intermission while we watch Doctor Who.

Tomorrow.

*********************************************************

It’s tomorrow and I’m officially a mess. I didn’t get as much work done as I thought I would, meaning I have a fuck-load to get done on Friday. It wasn’t a bad day at work, but it could have been better.

I hate being a ball of anxiety; I’m pretty much useless until what’s bothering me is resolved.

I get home and start my after-work routine: shower, change, eat, and wait for Draco to show up.

He gets here at exactly 7 o’clock; never a minute early or late. I let him in and we cuddle for a while while we fill each other in on how our day went. And then it’s time for Doctor Who.

Three episodes in, and it’s time for our not-really-scheduled-but-inevitable intermission. I make some chocolate chip pancakes and at this point the anxiety is starting to get to me. But I shouldn’t tell him while we eat; he doesn’t like having serious discussions while we eat. Says it makes us lose our appetite.

We’re back on the couch with me spooning him when he raises the control to start the next episode.

“Erm, actually, do you mind if we talk for a bit?” I can feel some tension appear in his body and I know he’s running through a whole bunch of scenarios that will most likely never happen. He puts down the control and turns to look at me, still in my arms, and asks, “What about?”

I pull him closer to me and put my chin on his head. I move my hand in a circle on his back.

“Well, there’s something about me I think you should know.”

“I already know you’re an idiot, thanks,” he tells me. I laugh.

“Oh, sod off.” I take a shaky breath. “I don’t really know how to make the words come out of my mouth.”

He shuffles around a bit, enough to be face to face. I can feel his hand move back and forth on my back, comforting me. “This is serious then.”

“Kind of? It could be, I guess,” I tell him.

“Well, go on then. What are you thinking?”

“You know how when you look at people, some people think, ‘that person’s hot. I’d fuck them’?”

Draco raises his eyebrow with a confused yet amused expression across his features. “Yes?”

“Well, I don’t really feel that. Like, at all. I look at someone, and yeah, I can find them handsome or good-looking or aesthetically attractive, but I’m not sexually attracted to anyone.”

My heart’s pounding against my ribs and with each following second of silence I start to feel more and more dread creeping into my system. It takes all I have to not feel defeated.

“Okay,” Draco says slowly, “So you don’t want sex?”

“Yeah. I mean, no, I don’t. I don’t want sex with anyone. I don’t crave for it. I wouldn’t even think about sex if it weren’t for other people talking about it, to be honest. It’s not something that occurs to me. I could live the rest of my life without it and feel complete.

“I don’t want you to think I don’t want to have sex with you; I just don’t want it at all. But that doesn’t mean what we have isn’t real; I care about you, so much. I want a relationship. I want to have that romantic connection to someone. I just don’t need the sexual aspects because… I’m asexual.”

“Asexual,” repeats Draco.

“Yeah,” I say, “I’m asexual.”

“Oh.” Draco’s eyes enlarge by the most miniscule measurement. I’m catching up as he says, “That makes sense. I feel like that a lot too. But if I’ve become close to them I tend to find them sexually attractive.”

I hum and say, “Maybe you’re demisexual.”

“Demisexual?”

“Yeah. You could be. It’s also okay if you’re not though,” I say.

“I’ll look into that,” Draco replies.

“So… we’re fine then? You still want to be with me?”

Draco looks exasperated once he’s processed what I said. “Well, of course! You really are an idiot if you think that would be enough to scare me away.”

“It’s enough for some people to call it quits, so yeah,” I tell him.

He fully sits up at this point and grabs ahold of the side of my face and says, “Harry. I like what we do. I like this. I don’t need sex to be happy. I just want you.”

“What if you change your mind and decide you want more?” I ask him. “Because some people have.”

“I’m not some people. I’m Draco Malfoy,” he says smugly.

I’m not convinced and I guess it shows because he sighs and adds, “Look, I can’t lie and say I won’t want something down the road, but I know I don’t need sex to be happy. Maybe I am demisexual, I don’t know. It’s something I have to look into. Anyways, I want you. Let’s take it one step at a time and see where this relationship goes. If something changes, which I highly doubt, we’ll talk about it. Okay?”

I nod; if he’s willing to give this a go, I am too.

“Okay,” I say, “As long as you know sex is nowhere at all in the future, I’m in too. I don’t need anything else.”

“Neither do I.”

And then Draco kisses me slowly and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight; it’s gentle and compassionate. There’s no change of pace or a roll of the hips. It’s just a kiss. A kiss that shows the care we have for each other.

I’m so relieved and happy. He wants me; he doesn’t care I’m asexual. He knows and he’s not out the door. He let me explain and maybe even found a label of his own. He understands and accepts me as I am.

I couldn’t be more lucky.

Doctor Who might have been forgotten for tonight, but I feel great knowing there’s no end in sight to these marathons. Who knows, maybe I’ll introduce him to Star Wars next.

#asexual!harry

Trending Tags

Recently Viewed Tags

#asexual!harry