#ash beckham

[casworm]

When to take a stand -- and when to let it go

Ash Beckham recently found herself in a situation that made her ask: who am I? She felt pulled between two roles — as an aunt and as an advocate. Each of us feels this struggle sometimes, she says -- and offers bold suggestions for how to stand up for your moral integrity when it isn’t convenient.

[casworm]

We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up

In this touching talk, Ash Beckham offers a fresh approach to empathy and openness. It starts with understanding that everyone, at some point in their life, has experienced hardship. The only way out, says Beckham, is to open the door and step out of your closet.

[casworm]

It speaks volumes in our society that we're more comfortable seeing a picture of two men holding guns than two men holding hands.

Ash Beckham

[bisarrkonstpaus]

We know it's hard, but we need you out here, no matter what your walls are made of. Because I guarantee you, there are others peering through that keyhole of their closets looking for the next brave person to bust that door open, so be that person.

Ash Beckham

[selfmademguy]

Closets.

It’s a rainy Saturday, which usually results in a morning of thought, and in light of my post about my initial “coming out”, it’s dawned on me as to how terrified I actually am of coming out of this closet, to everyone else I need to do so with.

I once saw a TEDx talk by Ash Beckham (link at the bottom of this post), which spoke about everyone’s “closets” (that we all have them) and how this really relates to hard conversations. I decided to watch this talk again this morning, and it’s given me a sense of courage to start talking to people, but it doesn’t make it any less hard to do. P.S - I strongly recommend watching this video, it’s really great. Thanks Ash, you legend. 

I first came out to my wife, and that was really the hardest conversation I thought I would have. It was, but it wasn’t nearly as terrifying as I thought it would be. It took a lot out of me, I cried, she cried, but once it was said, it was the best relief I had felt ever, with a slight hint of regret. My fears were of pushing her away, disappointing her and ultimately, of losing her. I am extremely grateful that none of my fears have come to pass, but I also know that this impacts her far more than it will impact people that are not in a very intimate relationship with me. As a result, it’s not just about coming out with her, it’s about change which she will see every single day - this will be a transition for our marriage, as much as it will be for me. I know though, that the dynamics of our relationship and our communication with each other will not be affected, and that gives me the greatest piece of mind. Against all odds, we have made it this far, against all odds, we will get through this. Did I say she’s rad? She’s rad.

My second hard conversation was with my closest friend living locally, which was the complete opposite. I just… said it. It was if I was telling him about something I like, or something that happened at work. It was easy, and he was completely understanding about it and supportive. I guess I felt a certain ease with telling him as his sister is MTF Transgender, but I also knew that he has a good understanding of the guy in me, and that I am, well… a guy. 

The third revelation was with a longstanding friend, who lives in Australia. She is incredible and I’m so glad I could simply “come out over text” and receive her full support. J, you rock. 

There’s a certain logic to starting off with the most difficult task first and leaving the easier tasks for later, and although I had thought I had done so, realizing whom I still have to tell, seems like I opted to start off with people I knew would be more accepting - did I?

My mom. Well, there’s her. She has always had this uncanny habit of making me feel comfortable to tell her anything, but sometimes that’s the last thing she actually wants. I remember coming out as LESBIAN was extremely difficult. She doesn’t remember it that way anymore. Mind you, it was a very long time ago - but she clearly states today how she had “no problem with it” and was accepting, but myself and my friends remember a very different version of the story. OMG.2.0. Let’s call it that. 

Will coming out to my mom as trans be OMG.3.0? In all likelihood, yes. Yeah she knew when I was a kid that I had wanted to change sex, and yes she mentioned this to me recently in conversation (as she does), that it may still be the case, but the actual “hard conversation” could hit her where it hurts like a chair to the cranium. This is scary. Someone hold me. 

My BFF. This is a very different kind of fear. My BFF and I have known each other since we were 18/19 years old. We came out to each other (first time I came out as a LESBIAN - he is GAY), and literally discovered who we were (and who I thought I was) together. We have more history than the average library including the funny, the sad, the drunk and disorderly. He has always wholeheartedly accepted my gender identity as female, despite sexual orientation and personality traits, and I imagine to myself - always will. He tried dressing me better than my mom was, teased me for being BUTCH when I tried to dress in a more masculine fashion, and probably knows the softer side of my personality as well as my wife does. (Note to self - Having a softer side or stronger side does not mean FEMALE or MALE. Must talk about this later.)

Coming out to him, will be a disaster. I believe he will be shocked, I believe he will take it personally and I believe he will question our friendship and the times we shared in the past (sharing beds), as to where he actually stood with me and what that makes him/us/me.

He, is my hardest conversation. I place such great value in our friendship and I am honestly terrified that this will end it. He is that friend that lives in another city, that I may not see for years, but we’ll pick right up where we left off. He’s like a brother to me. This is even scarier. 

My (Half)Brother, who I completely identify as my BROTHER. Religious beliefs are our biggest divide, yet have not divided us as brother and sister. I know that he may completely object to my transition from a religious standpoint, but doubt he will as my family - he has supported me despite our biological mother’s prejudice, and that should remain unchanged. He loves me, as I am - I know that he will learn to love me as I really am. 

The in-laws. This will be the hardest conversation for my wife to initiate. I believe this will be best dealt with at a later stage, as does she. I think we’ll both need to be at complete peace with the situation before this conversation can be had, and it will require the support of our friends, mutual and not. OMG.4.0.

My sister-in-law and I have a much better relationship, but I believe that this will come with a great deal of shock for her. I will initiate that conversation once I have managed to share this with our mutual friends. I want to be experienced at  sharing who I am, when I do so with her. Strategic, not manipulative. I am not a manipulator, I am scared - there’s a difference. 

With respect to mutual friends and acquaintances, I believe that my wife and I have a very solid marriage and a solid support group. There are people that have stood by us throughout her challenging coming out to her folks, and more. I know that good or bad, we will sail through this together.  Or have less friends. Sometimes having a hard conversation just ends up revealing who your real friends are. 

I will cover work in a separate post, as I am not sure if I will change jobs as I start my transition. I am fortunate to be a “Jack-of-all-trades” with varied skills, and I know that in the event of any discrimination, I will find alternative work - but I’m not too concerned about this topic for the moment, there are bigger fish to fry. 

In hindsight, putting this all down has made it a little more daunting, but a little more constructive as to what I need to do, and the support it entails. I’m going to grab a coffee, a blanket and my wife, and never let go. 

It’s time.

Here, watch this video. 

ASH BECKHAM - COMING OUT OF YOUR CLOSET

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSR4xuU07sc

[take-mybreath-away]

If you do not see my gayness, you do not see me.

Ash Beckham (Owning Your Own Duality)

[ashabythepicture]

Ash Beckham on coming out of your closet.

[withasmoothroundstone]

This is great, particularly where she talks about the importance of people as individuals, rather than people as collections of polarized belief systems and ideologies, It's really good to hear someone else talking about this stuff in such a public way.