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I'm sad. Will you bury me under your giant bear puppies?
Yes. The answer is always yes!
Got a case of the sads? NOT ANYMORE! Look at these bozer dozers! These little boofer doofers! You cannot resist their widdle button noses!
For more acute Sads, I recommend more aggressive treatment. BEHOLD!
Oh no what happened last time someone broke in??
@immiebee 's Apprentice Lactarius got pants-shitting drunk and got into the house. Instead of going for the jugular like they're SUPPOSED TO, the dogs instead swarmed her and licked her a few more degrees sober.
She was LUCKY...
What's your funniest story about Mazel and Tov? What about the new puppers?
Okay, so like, out of my Two, Mazel is the more playful and forward, while Tov is more subdued and reserved. I mean yeah, both like their butt scritches, but Mazel is a dingus and Tov her long suffering sister.
Until they're not.
So, one of the first missions I went on with them once we cleared our training, I was attached to a convoy. We were crossing some mountains, and had just gone down one and were coming to a river crossing before we would go up the other.
Now, this part of the river was pretty shallow at this time of year. At its deepest, it would come up to my calves, and was pretty slow going. Easy to ford, and the girls wouldn't have any issue paddling across.
You'd think.
Yeah, Tov got to the edge of the water, looked as the nearly-still stream, and went Nope. She platted her furry butt down and would. Not. Budge.
Mazel, on the other hand, was having a blast. She was jumping about, barking, stirring up the water, and decided to have a duel with a river crab. She lost, but river crabs are assholes, so that was understandable.
No matter how much I cajoled her, Tov just wouldn't have it. So, to not lose any more time, I picked her up. One arm around her chest, the other under her butt, leaving her legs to dangle.
So, I started crossing, and she starts wiggling. I'm like, WTF? Then, I hear the others in the convoy start laughing.
Tov was swimming. In the air. Above the water.
With Mazel, I had been warned pretty early on that pork has a bad effect on her. She has no real trouble digesting it or anything, and she doesn't get sick, so its not serious.
She just gets lethal gas.
Tov does, too, but not nearly as bad as her sister.
(Mind you, 'serious' is a matter of perspective. They both can make your eyes water, but Mazel's will also straighten your nosehair).
Wellllllllll, I may have used her as a form of biological warfare.
So, on a different mission, but in the same mountain range, there was an issue of some Bad Dudes who were using the local cave system to smuggle and raid. Thing is, we couldn't track them: the caves were just too extensive, with lots of switchbacks and the like.
Sooooooo, I loaded up Mazel on some pork loin one night and sent her on in the next morning 😂
WHOOOOOOOOO boy, minutes later, the raiders come pelting out, gagging and crying. Literally dozens of hardasses are just STREAMING out and right into our arms. A few were crying, wondering just what cruel, vile bastard would send a dying dog carrying some sort of pestilence into their midst! And Mazel just trots out behind them, tongue lolling and grinning, and wagging her stupid fuckin' tail.
And each step she took, you could hear a loud if short *POOT!*.
Of course, as she poots closer, the rest of my crew scatter. Poor Mazel, she started trotting, then RUNNING, after the bastards, whining because why aren't her friends giving her pets!? All the while, she had what sounded like a machine gun going off from her backside 😆
About my Five? Well, Murcia had to be carried inside during a freak summer trash moving gully washer that blew through Neptunia. The dumbass wouldn't come in when called and just stayed flopped out on the deck.
Then again, that's what I get for giving her a name that means "lazy" or "slothful" lol
Morea gets scared of storms, and will try to hide anywhere she can. Mind you, "hide" just means stuffing her head into the smallest possible spot she can. We had to get rid of our decorative floor vases because she would stuff her head inside one, but get it stuck upon trying to get it out.
Mania is just Stupid. She'll just, do stupid fucking shit all the time. I literally can't list anything for her, she just is...yeah.
Mab, uh, is really attached to Julian. She's scared of storms as well, just not to the extent of Morea. But, at one point, she had real bad seperation anxiety in regards to Jules. One day, he had caught a nasty bug. Some sort of gastrointestinal thing. Poor guy was constantly throwing up and hitting the pot.
Well, obviously, he would shut the bathroom door. Mab didn't like that. At all. Papa is sick! Must go to Papa! Door in way? Not anymore! She litterally plowed through a solid oak door, not only snapping it in half, but also taking it clear off the frame. Literally scared the shit out of Jules 😂 I found the poor guy with his pants down and a bin on his lap. MeanWHILE, Mab is just lounging in front of him, back to him, "guarding" him while he was "vulnerable"!
Yes, she was very proud of herself.
...I just realized: out of all my dogs, Morphea is the only one who knows how to Dog.
So the girlfriend and I were having a very fun conversation about you, laughing a whole lot and let's just say... talk to text was accidentally turned on. I'd like you to see what it picked up: "Ankylosing spondylitis f*** you turn out the f*** s*** dick ass b**** tavarius has a Jacob's ladder tavarius has a Jacob's ladder Tim barrios to Vargas Ty bear bear it hurts I need you to stop forever Tiberius"
"The fuck did I just read? Are you having a seizure? ...oh my Hedonism, you're having a seizure! JULLLLLIANNNNNN! COME QUICK! SOMEONES HAVING A SEIZURE!"
*Girlfriend and I joking about Tiberius eating an entire plate of food in one go* Girlfriend: I bet that's not the only thing he'll take in one go ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
"Yeah, I can take a lot. Like my husbands dick."
*BANG**BOOM*CRASH*
Julian pushed himself up onto his hands, legs still flung out behind him in the doorway. He nearly got smacked in the face by the door he crashed through rebounding off the wall. "IS IT A BANK HOLIDAY MONDAY!?"
(Can I highfive your girlfriend?)
Question, how would you help a friend who was panicking about breaking the Big News of pregnancy to their partner? You're such a nice guy when it comes to that stuff, I'm very curious 😊
"Wait...did I just hear 'pregnancy'? Oh my Hedonism who is it!? Can I hold the bean when they get here!? CAN I BE AN UNCLE!!?"
"Darling, they want to know how you would help THEM tell their partner."
"Uh, I'd pick them up and run them over to their partner. Duh."
"Hm, yes. And you'd probably be bouncing and barking the entire time. In FACT, it wouldn't surprise me if YOU wound up being the one to break the news in all of your excitement."
"Heeeeeey!"
(Literally, Ty would pick that person up and rush over, babbling excitedly. He'd do all the work for them. Dork.)
So what's the process to get paired with a Standing Hound? Is it like a personality test or something?
That, and you also have to be a cut above the rest. You HAVE to be good at working in a group, but EXCELL at solo work. And not just any solo stuff, but the most difficult ones.
I'm talking One-Man-Army stuff. Storming a fortress, capturing battle ships, fighting DRAGONS! Toss in the fact that in order to be given the title of Warlord or Warlady, you have to be on par (in terms of power) to that of a natural disaster. Uncle Gemmy doesn't get to really strut his stuff too often, but he's leveled a literal mountain.
(Some dumbass's decided to open a Gate to a not-so-nice realm. The mountain was infested by the critters that popped out. It was decided to just cut their losses).
Gemmy teases me, calling me a "foul and breaking wind". Fucker.
Anyway, only once we have a title and have a high mission-clear rate, we can then apply for a dog! Depending on our specializations, we can get a war dog, a cadaver dog, search and rescue, or therapy! Some Warlords/Ladies do more support-style work, while others are frontline.
Then you wait.
And wait.
And wait some more.
Oh, what's that? More waiting, you say? Cool, cool, I don't mind.
And then comes the day that you both desire and dread: your application response. This little, thin, scrap of paper will either be a denial, or an affirmation that yes, you get to work with your own fuzzy-wuzzy!
I GOT TWO FURBALLS! AND THEY'RE GREAT!
Of course, it helps that I was a member of the Citadel, and not the Principian Army. That gave me a lot more exposure to different situations and show off just how much shit I could wreck :)
😁It’s International Dog Day!💕 Lactarius knocks on the front door patiently waiting for Tiberius or Julian to answer the door all the while struggling to keep five large (nearly 5ft in length), obnoxiously patterned stuffed teddies off of the ground. Also wrapped around her arm is a small gift bag for the men. Giggling she peeks out from what little space she can see out of. “Consider this a THANK YOU FOR NOT MAULING MY DRUNK ASS! present for the best girls in town!” 😉✨👌🏻🐕
Hearing fumbled knocking and muffled giggles coming from the front door, Julian places a bookmark inside his latest smut novel before getting up. The pack had been lounging on the rug before the cold fireplace, and they all perked up at the knocking. Mania, always the most adventurous, was already standing, ruff-ing excitedly as she trotted towards the door. Soon, her sisters followed, and Julian had to dance around a herd of happy big dogs.
"Yes, yes, we have a guest. And someone you know! Is it Cecelia and Margeaux? Or Miss Lizzy? Hmmm? Who is it!?"
As the girls started barking excitedly (including Murcia, which was surprising in and of itself), Julian opened the door with a smile, face soon becoming puzzled. "B-, bears?"
