#askdjskdj

[luxhesperus]

are there really no coltlandgentry pacrim au on ao3 or am i just stupid and using the wrong tags to filter out 😔😔

[calumhoods]

i would tell you i love you but there’s no point if you won’t believe it and if it’s no one’s fault but my own. it was never like this before but the words get caught in my throat and though i know them to be true they taste like deception in my mouth. i would call you love, but in a world of uncertainties, how do i say this without breaking anything else? i would take that all back if i could, but we can’t undo what we’ve done. and isn’t not being able to change the past what always hurt the most anyway?

if i could go back to that friday night i would’ve held on and held tight. i would’ve thought of fourteen days later and i would’ve let any semblance of anger go. if i could break myself down into a thousand million pieces and rearrange them all into some sort of person who deserves you, i would do that in a heartbeat. you gave yourself to me in ways i never expected anyone to, and i should’ve been able to do the same — but i guess i gave up too much of myself already to be willing to lose any more.

i remember telling myself a month ago i knew i would eventually break your heart, but i didn’t expect eventually to come so soon. part of me hoped this day wouldn’t ever come, because i would soon be in your arms and i would be safe. perhaps i should’ve known, back then with that pang of certainty, it was the time for me to go. why keep you tied to something i knew would hurt you? i was flying too high on wings made of hope and, just like icarus, i fell. i never wanted to leave.

was it selfish of me to stay? being loved like that is a breath of fresh air in a world made of smoke, and i didn’t want to lose you. and i love you, i love you so hard my bones ache and my heart drops in my chest, i love you so hard i can’t stop the tears from coming, but somehow i don’t feel like that’s good enough. the problem with me is that i’ve always wanted to be good enough. finally saying those words felt like giving you a way out, and it was always easier to picture you leaving than to leave myself.

there was a time when this pain was mine alone to bear, and i guess i’m not used to being listened to. when the only person i wanted to talk to was the person who made my heart heavy on my chest, i used to scream into a pillow and let the tears flow. i never talked about the feelings i wish i could not feel. i know i can talk to you now, and yet in my heart of hearts i don’t know how that would make anything better.

i can’t change what has already happened, and though you say nothing will change between us, everything between us has already changed. i am poison and my touch is ruin; neither of us is ready to admit it, but i think i might’ve ruined this too. i’m sorry for not giving you enough of my heart to hold. the last thing i wanted was to burden you with it. maybe thinking like that, especially when i had yours in my hands, was my great mistake after all.

— i thought my heart was stone but it was glass and it shattered. | L.H.

[xthemutegirl--archived]

Ive never seen anyone play Mel, and I just. It's one of my favorite books, and the movie is great, Kristen does a beautiful job and it's amazing to see her character played. }

oh my gosh. akjdkjd thank you. :) I just love the movie and novel so much. I hope I do her justice.