GF claims I love men when she's triggered
My girlfriend (29) and I (29) have been together for 3 years. There’s been a lot of pain she’s endured throughout her life from presenting as a more masculine girl, while I’ve benefited from being more feminine-presenting. I’ve also dated men in the past while she has not, which has been a huge source of insecurity and pain for her.
I’ve tried to reassure her that I truly only have eyes for her and have never felt this way about a relationship in my life. I’ve also struggled with comphet and have been working through it, so I understand why there’s pain there for her.
Nevertheless, there have been a lot of issues and growing pains over the last three years, and I’m starting to believe she resents me. She’ll randomly say things like the texts below, completely unprovoked. If there’s a man who looks like someone she thinks I would’ve found attractive in the past, she’ll say, “You probably like him.” When I took her to see one of our favorite DJs, right before we got there she said, “You would go flirt with him.”
One time I took her to a nice oyster house that I was really excited to take her to because I know she loves it. I asked our male waiter for ketchup with a smile, and afterward she told me I was flirting with him and using my eyes to get what I wanted. At the time, I tried to see it from her perspective and agreed that maybe I had fallen into a people-pleasing habit around men without realizing it. I felt awful and apologized because I never wanted to make her feel disrespected or uncomfortable. I was locked into our conversation the whole time and truly paid no mind to the young male waiter who literally seemed like he was 19.
But these comments keep happening... like WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHY DOES SHE KEEP TEXTING ME THINGS LIKE THIS? I genuinely feel like I’m losing my grip on what’s normal because my friends are telling me that this isn't okay, but I feel like I am in the wrong.
For context, she’s currently grieving the loss of her mother after anticipating it for about 2.5 years, so I try to be understanding that she’s in an incredibly painful place emotionally. At the same time, I don’t know how much longer I can keep taking these kinds of accusations.
Has anyone experienced something like this? Is this relationship anxiety? Grief? Resentment? Projection? I genuinely want to understand what’s happening because I feel like I’m constantly defending myself against things that are triggering her. I've tried everything, being defensive (unfortunately), trying to dig deeper & ask questions, offering a listening ear, sympathizing with her pain, apologizing for situations that have been perceived as flirting in the past, etc. there's been nothing of this issue to complain about since the waiter to be honest also. And that was probably two years ago.
She said:
“If u were traveling prob stay bar flirt people. I’m leaving. Prob sleep men here. Men. Throw urself at them. Love men.”
When I responded:
“Baby, you know this isn’t a great way to come at me to talk about your triggers. Let me know when you get back to your spot. I’m still working right now.”
She replied:
“u like their attention. That’s literally why u love Barcelona so much. Every one looks like u, acts like u.”
I said:
“Do you hear yourself???? Don’t talk to me like that.”
She said:
“I’m not crazy.”
I responded:
“I’m not speaking to you when you talk to me like this. I don’t think you are crazy, but I do think I deserve more respect when spoken to. I hope you get home safely. I love you. Reach out if you want to talk about something else. If not, have a good night and sleep well.”
She replied:
“classic. Run away. Always. Avoiding. So classic.”
I said:
“Not running away at all. I don’t want to be spoken to like that. And I’ve told you time and time before.”
She replied:
“enjoy your peace. Thanks for not being mine.”
TL;DR: My girlfriend frequently accuses me of wanting men or flirting with men whenever she’s triggered despite me consistently reassuring her that I’m committed to her. She’s grieving the recent loss of her mom and has longstanding insecurities around my dating history with men, but the accusations have become so frequent that I’m starting to question what’s normal and okay to accept. I’m trying to understand whether this is grief, relationship anxiety, resentment, or something else, because I don’t know how to respond anymore
SnooRabbits981: …. Uh why are you with this woman? She sounds insecure, and mean. You are going to spend an eternity explaining and apologizing for things you aren’t guilty of. Imagine you read this from a straight girls perspective? Like if you heard this from a straight friend about their boyfriend, I’m sure you would tell her to get as far away from that man as possible
Jane_Lame: You cant keep doing this. It doesnt seem like theres anything you can do to reassure her. She needs mental help that you cant give. She is only going to keep doing this to you no matter what you do. Please dont stay in this relationship. She is only going to continue to hurt you.
Will_dog2019: Your girlfriend is extremely insecure, cruel, and manipulative. There is nothing you can do to fix this; only she can and she's not even trying. She doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior, which is why she continues to do it. Just walk away because it's not going to get better.
TinyPretzels: Your girlfriend sounds toxic as fuck. If a man was causing fights and accusing you of flirting just for asking a waiter for ketchup, would you stay? I think you are a very patient and thoughtful person for putting up with this behavior for so long. It is absolutely not okay, it was never okay, and grieving is not an excuse. If you often feel insecure, unsure, guilty, upset, scared in a relationship it is not a healthy one.
Pholcida: i'm sorry you have to go through this because WTF?? it reeks of insecurity... she's 29 yo, she should be mature enough to not run into stupid conclusions and making her gf of 3 years feel shitty all the time. i understand that she went through some hard times but you also showed her that you're always there for her and that she doesn't have to go through this alone, so i really don't understand where this is coming from tell her exactly how you feel about this, and that it's definitely draining you and making you feel really bad about this relationship, if it doesn't work then it's better for you to just break up
Originally shared by Warm_solitude780 on r/AskLesbians on July 4th, 2026 at 9:44 PM UTC.
