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[aslipyaaj]

Karnataka will have a CM in 4-5 years, says party leadership

May 17, 2023 

INC national familyship continues to talk to the CM hopefuls several days after their better than expected electoral win last week.

Former CM Siddaramiah and State President DK Shivakumar are playing a high stakes game of musical chairs, heating cushions on sofas at the offices of Former Party President Rahul Gandhi, Former Party President Sonia Gandhi, and Current Party President Mallikarjuna Kharge.

Senior most Congress MLA RV Deshpande has been giving interviews everyday claiming that the new CM will be declared by the following day but late this evening, a statement was released that the new CM will be declared within the next 4-5 years.

“Why to take so much time? MLAs have already decided CM by secret ballot.”, said Hair-dresser HS Keshpande. “In America, party members elect party leaders. We need that here.“

Indeed. Sources close to top leadership have told Asli Pyaaj that the process seems to be taking so long because the first round of talks were restricted to communication by eyebrows only. The second round allowed visual cues and the use of a whiteboard, and the third only allowed interpretive dance.

In the fourth round, candidates were asked to make their case using sign language. In the fifth round, the candidates were asked to pretend to be worms. The windows were closed, lights and air conditioning turned off, and had mud thrown on them, for effect.

The decision is still pending, but DKShi is said to have decided to go back to jail voluntarily.

[aslipyaaj]

Amazon unveils Alex: The A.I. Bro

The Seattle based tech giant has come out with a male couterpart to their AI Assistant Alexa, and it is quite creatively name Alex. Alex will perform all the functions Alexa did with the additional option of switching on the Bro Mode - which switchs Alexa into your best best-bro Alex.

While the competition in the AI Assistant space are trying to consolidate their products as the ubiquitous PA, Amazon's move come as a counter current surprise.

"We're still recording everything customers say and do through the AI Bot, " under the condition of anonymity, lead architect James Newton told us, "and we are processing that information into sellable profiles which we have secret deals with other companies to purchase. In a pay-as-you-go model, of course. Subscription is where the money's at."

Uncomfortable as that sounds we asked why there was the need for such a product. Company spokesperson Dwight Parson shared the insight with us. 

"Crunching up the various commands and overheard conversations that happened around the device, we noticed that Male customers would often ignore Alexa's reminders and miss important alerts, responding with a 'Shut Up, Alexa' or 'Whatever, man'. We found that male test subjects responded more respectfully and took reminders more seriously when the assistant relayed them in a male voice. The best results were made when the AI bot called male test subjects 'Bro' and threw in timeless phrases like 'My man' and 'Homie'.

This is the second such incident of its nature, after the BMW 5-series had to recall its onboard navigation system because sexist Germans didnt want to take instructions from a frau causing a product wide recall. BMW refitted all cars with a male voiced navigation system that fulfilled the role of a "co-pilot".

This reporter remains ashamed of being associated with these lummoxes by nature of having the same gender.

[aslipyaaj]

Parents of Unwed Indian Men Frustrated To Learn Alexa Is Not Real

New Delhi: Sunken faces seem to be epidemic in the drawing rooms of these South Delhi homes. Would that they were over something with some relevance, we would have been more excited about covering this story. However, it seems that the reason behind the gloom is that terminally single men in these homes will remain single for some more time as it turns out that the parents of these boys had their hopes up that the Amazon AI bot Alexa was a real girl and the constant conversations meant that there was still a possibility that their sons could be married. That too to a gori mem.

Unsurprisingly, this was not the case.

We spoke to Sudharshan, resident and father of one such man, "He never stops making these Forever Alone posts. We were happy when he was doing it as young 20 something boy, and wasn't wasting his time dating, but now he is past the age where the marriage market finds hims eligible."

"When I first heard a feminine voice from his room, I were enraged that our child was indulging in western culture of speaking to someone of the opposite gender before marriage. But when I eavesdropped on his conversations, I realized she never answered back, did as he instructed quick and efficiently, and never demanded anything from him. I was ecstatic!"

Son and Incel, Ashish said "If only women were truly as obedient as Alexa, I wouldn't be single". Yes, Ashish; We hope you remain single until you learn that women are also people.

"We heard that Mr. Sharma also had a similar experience. His son uses Microsoft products", wife Kashish added. “It would be a dream come true of course, to have had such a bahu.” 

Everyday we pray for Skynet to become self aware. 

[aslipyaaj]

CCD to purchase Connaught Place as part of Master Plan 2021

New Delhi: Going 20 years strong, the chain of unavoidable and unappetizing coffee shops has seen its strategy of swarming all available commercial spaces come to fruition.

The growth numbers for the chain have been exceeding three digit figures year on year, for most of the last decade, and its expansion into tier 3 and tier 4 cities will see this trend continue for the forth coming years.

Many detractors are aghast at the fury with which the chain has assimilated market spaces. We spoke to Saawan Malabari, a promoter of a (former?) rival chain Barista, who entirely drew a blank. “I dont know how they are doing it. The coffee is terrible.But then again, Wah Ji Wah makes money despite the forgettable food so I cant say I know whats going on”

“We have been aggressive, and it has paid off.”, says Surinder Modi, CoffeeHead and Chief of the Marketing & Planning think-tank that brought about their meteorous rise. “We’ve doubled down on our plan to smash the competition with speed and brute force. If Tata opens one Starbucks, we open three right around it. Sure the coffee is bad, and we play the music really loud, and the Income per store has decreased while the Income by area has increased, but the murder in a Bangalore outfit is forgotten as is the minor scuffle over cockroaches in that Jaipur outlet” He said with a sparkle in his eye. “Our net profit is off the charts!”

“Yes, We’re going to buy Connaught Place”, says our source at the CCD head office. “While it may seem counter intuitive to begin with, the move makes sense when you realize that the residents of Delhi have no where else to go. And seeing how Wah Ji Wah is doing so well, you can tell that Delhites have no idea what good food is supposed to taste like.”

Currently, the corporation owns or occupies near 20 percent of all the commercial property available around Rajiv Chowk. While the plan to occupy the entire market is bold, if a little extravagant, markets have responded positively and the stock was seen to rise by a healthy 6%.

[aslipyaaj]

Irrfan Khan lauded as Hero after statement: Actors and cricketers are not heroes

Mumbai: The youth of the country praised the 49 year old actor, the star of Maqbool, Haasil and frequent Hollywood collaborator, after his blunt commentary on the star struck nation.

“It pains me when a film actor or a cricketer is a youth icon.", He said. "They are not heroes.”.

We totally agree. With the Bollywood roster being filled by people involved in terrorism, manslaughter, rape, criminal intimidation, sexual exploitation and dealings with the underworld, one would assume it would be safe to say that Actors are not quite the role models one would envision for the youth.

"Irrfan has always been a voice of sobriety and groundedness in the Bollywood Universe," said respondent Saara Akaash. "But it remains to be seen if this is just guerrilla marketing for his new movies."

But the meaning of the Jurassic Park actor's statement was lost upon several fans.

"I love Irrfan Khan," says college student Irfan Khan. "He is my favourite actor and he has shown what a good role model he is yet again. He is truly an Icon we should aspire to."

This seemed to be the general opinion as young film-goers continued to heap praises on him, repeatedly and vehemently venerated him as a Hero.

[aslipyaaj]

Ache Din for Tiger Poachers

More tigers have been killed in India already this year than in the whole of 2015, a census showed Friday, raising doubts about the country’s anti-poaching efforts.

The Wildlife Protection Society of India, a conservation charity, said 28 of the endangered beasts had been poached by 26 April, three more than last year.

This news comes on the tails of a more uplifting story from earlier this month, where studies estimated that tiger populations have begun rising again, for the first time in more than one hundred years. In India alone, they’ve increased from 1,706 to 2,226 during the past five years, in strong part because of their stepping up anti-poaching patrols.

The Black Market for Tiger products still goes strong despite a worldwide ban on sale and possession. We spoke to Black Shop Owner, Dong Jian about this. "Tigers live in some of the most remote and hostile terrain on earth. It was never easy to track them to begin with. It is a common consensus among black marketers that the official count is only a more accurate count of the existing number of tigers that was previous inaccurate. Because the tracking and tracing methods used by most government bodies has been lagging before the beginning of this preservation effort. This is a position that several scientists across the world agree with."

Verru Appan, Tiger Poacher, met us in high spirits. He was celebrating his recent sale of Tiger Bones and was high on spirits that we loaded him with to loosen up his inhibitions on giving us this interview. "Business has been good this year", he says and he wipes tears of happiness from his eyes. "We knew increasing Tiger populations would only be good for us when they started the conservation program five years ago, but we hadn’t expected it to be this good. I will be able to replace more of my teeth with golden teeth now." "The government’s plan is to increase Tiger populations to double by 2022. Which is good, but the tiger habitat has shrunk by more than 25% in the last decade. This of course will only making hunting easier for us. I will probably by myself a gold watch next year"

It is true that the current numbers are not based on any reliable bench mark and that beginning figure were little better than guesstimates, but  the voices of the scientists saying this are being drowned out by the noise of governments officials patting their own backs with one hand while wringing each other's hands with the other.

[aslipyaaj]

Saudi Prince regrets not doing business with Trump: Would cancel if I did

Riyadh: Saudi billionaire Prince Alladin bin Aladeen has vociferously lashed out at Donald Trump today calling him an unsettled sanddune following his call for a ban on Muslims entering the country, and has decided that he will pursuade the traditional camel hair wig makers from doing business with the American tycoon and Presidential hopefull in the future.

Trump has been called out as a bigot and racist to no apparent distress as he continues to agonize minorities and ethnic groups with his incindiery rhetoric.

'You are a berson for which I have no words,' Prince Alladin, the chairman of Bleasure Holding, said on his Twitter account addressing Trump. 'You are all manner of unmentionable curses of which I can not even name.'

'I regret not having done business with you.' the prince, who is worth a shitload of inherited money added, 'If I did, I would have cancelled all business with you.'

He declined from answering questions as to whether family members that are currently doing business with the Trump Estate would break their financial commitments.

'I have decided I may never ever do business with you. I may never ever ever want to invest money in your several high return businesses.'

Trump stuck back before the end of the day through his Twitter handle. 'If Saddam was in power I would’ve taken him down too!'

Trump's comments have already ticked off several influential people in the Middle East. A major chain of grocery stores has halt sales of WWE merchandise popularly referred to as 'Trump' Cards.

On Thursday, a Dubai Restaurateur that used trumpets on his outlet's logo, stripped the musical instrument off of the image.

[aslipyaaj]

Terrorist Supergroup IS membership drops dramatically by 90%

Kobane: The ground situation of the Syrian city bordering Turkey has taken a shocking turn over the last 24 hours. The army camping grounds of Baagh Al-Hazima outside IS battle HQ is the site of a blood bath that will go down in history as the one of the most horrifying instances of mass execution ever recorded.

Group supreme AbuBakr Al-Baghdadi called upon Muslims all over the world recently, to give up taking the names of their God Allah as their own. Although the fatwa was ignored and discredited, Al-Baghdadi has remained adamant. At midnight yesterday he gave the order to clean house by eliminating all members with a first name among the 99 names of Allah, in ways most violent and painful. Members with middle names and surnames among the 99 were to be killed multiple times.

Although, It is prohibited to use the attributes of Allah with a definite article, removing 'Al' aka 'the' from the attribute is permissible and very common. In fact, Its is estimated that more than 50% of Muslims world wide have at least one part of their names, as one given to Allah. 

Al-Baghdadi's new diktat is the latest amongst several that contradict both the general rules and commonly accepted behavior in Muslim society. The move however, comes as a boon to the rife stricken area that has been suffering from the brutality of the terrorist group apart from being the battle ground for one of the more ferociously fought clashes in the ongoing struggle as of yet.