Asli Pyaaj

Satire Untethered

[aslipyaaj]

Karnataka will have a CM in 4-5 years, says party leadership

May 17, 2023 

INC national familyship continues to talk to the CM hopefuls several days after their better than expected electoral win last week.

Former CM Siddaramiah and State President DK Shivakumar are playing a high stakes game of musical chairs, heating cushions on sofas at the offices of Former Party President Rahul Gandhi, Former Party President Sonia Gandhi, and Current Party President Mallikarjuna Kharge.

Senior most Congress MLA RV Deshpande has been giving interviews everyday claiming that the new CM will be declared by the following day but late this evening, a statement was released that the new CM will be declared within the next 4-5 years.

“Why to take so much time? MLAs have already decided CM by secret ballot.”, said Hair-dresser HS Keshpande. “In America, party members elect party leaders. We need that here.“

Indeed. Sources close to top leadership have told Asli Pyaaj that the process seems to be taking so long because the first round of talks were restricted to communication by eyebrows only. The second round allowed visual cues and the use of a whiteboard, and the third only allowed interpretive dance.

In the fourth round, candidates were asked to make their case using sign language. In the fifth round, the candidates were asked to pretend to be worms. The windows were closed, lights and air conditioning turned off, and had mud thrown on them, for effect.

The decision is still pending, but DKShi is said to have decided to go back to jail voluntarily.

[aslipyaaj]

Rahul Gandhi Predicted Congress' Electoral Results On Day One: Sources

New Delhi: After claiming to predict Prashant Kishor's rejection of duties and membership in the Empowered Congress Committee, Rahul Gandhi is said to have predicted the abysmal results of the 2014 and 2019 national elections and further predicted the same for 2024.

Rahul Gandhi had predicted that Prashant Kishor won't join the Congress on the very first day. Senior leader P Chidambaram, who reviewed Prashant Kishor's strategy said he didnt care for predictions.

"Rahul Gandhi on Day One itself said PK will not join, this is not the first time he was offered a spot in the party," said sources. In fact, some suggested it was the eighth time that the strategist had held talks to join the Congress. "Rahul Gandhi also predicts an abysmal performance in 2024. He said so when the 2019 results came out."

Congress is floundering badly in any and all elections for the last decade or so, with the only respectable win being the Rajasthan, Madhya Pradesh and Chattisgarh victories back in 2017. Madhya Pradesh was lost soon after the victory, and Karnataka followed suit. Jugglery in Punjab could not stave off defeat and AAP sweeped every one out of Punjab in their sophomore effort.

Rahul Gandhi was seen repeatedly making a gesture at PK when he insisted on meeting with sister Priyanka Gandhi Vadra instead of him. The gesture, sources say, mimic slicing of ones throat in comical fashion.

"Various Congress leaders have failed to win elections." they said. "Not just RG."

Many in the group assessing RG's prediction for 2024 felt he was being optimistic. Humiliations dealt recently in the 5-0 loss to BJP and AAP should have sobered the not-so-youth leader, but it was not to be so.

Sources close to Prashant Kishor claim he too had predicted that RG would make such a prediction about 2024. They said he didn't feel the Congress and its leadership were being realistic, even though they tore up many papers and shouted as if in parliament.

When asked to predict his next foreign trip, Rahul Gandhi appeared "aloof" and hardly responded, said sources close to PK.

This journalist, and the editors, urge Congress to implement some reforms in selections of party leadership and perhaps create a more result-based meritocratic system of promotion.

[aslipyaaj]

Amazon unveils Alex: The A.I. Bro

The Seattle based tech giant has come out with a male couterpart to their AI Assistant Alexa, and it is quite creatively name Alex. Alex will perform all the functions Alexa did with the additional option of switching on the Bro Mode - which switchs Alexa into your best best-bro Alex.

While the competition in the AI Assistant space are trying to consolidate their products as the ubiquitous PA, Amazon's move come as a counter current surprise.

"We're still recording everything customers say and do through the AI Bot, " under the condition of anonymity, lead architect James Newton told us, "and we are processing that information into sellable profiles which we have secret deals with other companies to purchase. In a pay-as-you-go model, of course. Subscription is where the money's at."

Uncomfortable as that sounds we asked why there was the need for such a product. Company spokesperson Dwight Parson shared the insight with us. 

"Crunching up the various commands and overheard conversations that happened around the device, we noticed that Male customers would often ignore Alexa's reminders and miss important alerts, responding with a 'Shut Up, Alexa' or 'Whatever, man'. We found that male test subjects responded more respectfully and took reminders more seriously when the assistant relayed them in a male voice. The best results were made when the AI bot called male test subjects 'Bro' and threw in timeless phrases like 'My man' and 'Homie'.

This is the second such incident of its nature, after the BMW 5-series had to recall its onboard navigation system because sexist Germans didnt want to take instructions from a frau causing a product wide recall. BMW refitted all cars with a male voiced navigation system that fulfilled the role of a "co-pilot".

This reporter remains ashamed of being associated with these lummoxes by nature of having the same gender.

[aslipyaaj]

Parents of Unwed Indian Men Frustrated To Learn Alexa Is Not Real

New Delhi: Sunken faces seem to be epidemic in the drawing rooms of these South Delhi homes. Would that they were over something with some relevance, we would have been more excited about covering this story. However, it seems that the reason behind the gloom is that terminally single men in these homes will remain single for some more time as it turns out that the parents of these boys had their hopes up that the Amazon AI bot Alexa was a real girl and the constant conversations meant that there was still a possibility that their sons could be married. That too to a gori mem.

Unsurprisingly, this was not the case.

We spoke to Sudharshan, resident and father of one such man, "He never stops making these Forever Alone posts. We were happy when he was doing it as young 20 something boy, and wasn't wasting his time dating, but now he is past the age where the marriage market finds hims eligible."

"When I first heard a feminine voice from his room, I were enraged that our child was indulging in western culture of speaking to someone of the opposite gender before marriage. But when I eavesdropped on his conversations, I realized she never answered back, did as he instructed quick and efficiently, and never demanded anything from him. I was ecstatic!"

Son and Incel, Ashish said "If only women were truly as obedient as Alexa, I wouldn't be single". Yes, Ashish; We hope you remain single until you learn that women are also people.

"We heard that Mr. Sharma also had a similar experience. His son uses Microsoft products", wife Kashish added. “It would be a dream come true of course, to have had such a bahu.” 

Everyday we pray for Skynet to become self aware. 

[aslipyaaj]

CCD to purchase Connaught Place as part of Master Plan 2021

New Delhi: Going 20 years strong, the chain of unavoidable and unappetizing coffee shops has seen its strategy of swarming all available commercial spaces come to fruition.

The growth numbers for the chain have been exceeding three digit figures year on year, for most of the last decade, and its expansion into tier 3 and tier 4 cities will see this trend continue for the forth coming years.

Many detractors are aghast at the fury with which the chain has assimilated market spaces. We spoke to Saawan Malabari, a promoter of a (former?) rival chain Barista, who entirely drew a blank. “I dont know how they are doing it. The coffee is terrible.But then again, Wah Ji Wah makes money despite the forgettable food so I cant say I know whats going on”

“We have been aggressive, and it has paid off.”, says Surinder Modi, CoffeeHead and Chief of the Marketing & Planning think-tank that brought about their meteorous rise. “We’ve doubled down on our plan to smash the competition with speed and brute force. If Tata opens one Starbucks, we open three right around it. Sure the coffee is bad, and we play the music really loud, and the Income per store has decreased while the Income by area has increased, but the murder in a Bangalore outfit is forgotten as is the minor scuffle over cockroaches in that Jaipur outlet” He said with a sparkle in his eye. “Our net profit is off the charts!”

“Yes, We’re going to buy Connaught Place”, says our source at the CCD head office. “While it may seem counter intuitive to begin with, the move makes sense when you realize that the residents of Delhi have no where else to go. And seeing how Wah Ji Wah is doing so well, you can tell that Delhites have no idea what good food is supposed to taste like.”

Currently, the corporation owns or occupies near 20 percent of all the commercial property available around Rajiv Chowk. While the plan to occupy the entire market is bold, if a little extravagant, markets have responded positively and the stock was seen to rise by a healthy 6%.

[aslipyaaj]

Irrfan Khan lauded as Hero after statement: Actors and cricketers are not heroes

Mumbai: The youth of the country praised the 49 year old actor, the star of Maqbool, Haasil and frequent Hollywood collaborator, after his blunt commentary on the star struck nation.

“It pains me when a film actor or a cricketer is a youth icon.", He said. "They are not heroes.”.

We totally agree. With the Bollywood roster being filled by people involved in terrorism, manslaughter, rape, criminal intimidation, sexual exploitation and dealings with the underworld, one would assume it would be safe to say that Actors are not quite the role models one would envision for the youth.

"Irrfan has always been a voice of sobriety and groundedness in the Bollywood Universe," said respondent Saara Akaash. "But it remains to be seen if this is just guerrilla marketing for his new movies."

But the meaning of the Jurassic Park actor's statement was lost upon several fans.

"I love Irrfan Khan," says college student Irfan Khan. "He is my favourite actor and he has shown what a good role model he is yet again. He is truly an Icon we should aspire to."

This seemed to be the general opinion as young film-goers continued to heap praises on him, repeatedly and vehemently venerated him as a Hero.

[aslipyaaj]

Ache Din for Tiger Poachers

More tigers have been killed in India already this year than in the whole of 2015, a census showed Friday, raising doubts about the country’s anti-poaching efforts.

The Wildlife Protection Society of India, a conservation charity, said 28 of the endangered beasts had been poached by 26 April, three more than last year.

This news comes on the tails of a more uplifting story from earlier this month, where studies estimated that tiger populations have begun rising again, for the first time in more than one hundred years. In India alone, they’ve increased from 1,706 to 2,226 during the past five years, in strong part because of their stepping up anti-poaching patrols.

The Black Market for Tiger products still goes strong despite a worldwide ban on sale and possession. We spoke to Black Shop Owner, Dong Jian about this. "Tigers live in some of the most remote and hostile terrain on earth. It was never easy to track them to begin with. It is a common consensus among black marketers that the official count is only a more accurate count of the existing number of tigers that was previous inaccurate. Because the tracking and tracing methods used by most government bodies has been lagging before the beginning of this preservation effort. This is a position that several scientists across the world agree with."

Verru Appan, Tiger Poacher, met us in high spirits. He was celebrating his recent sale of Tiger Bones and was high on spirits that we loaded him with to loosen up his inhibitions on giving us this interview. "Business has been good this year", he says and he wipes tears of happiness from his eyes. "We knew increasing Tiger populations would only be good for us when they started the conservation program five years ago, but we hadn’t expected it to be this good. I will be able to replace more of my teeth with golden teeth now." "The government’s plan is to increase Tiger populations to double by 2022. Which is good, but the tiger habitat has shrunk by more than 25% in the last decade. This of course will only making hunting easier for us. I will probably by myself a gold watch next year"

It is true that the current numbers are not based on any reliable bench mark and that beginning figure were little better than guesstimates, but  the voices of the scientists saying this are being drowned out by the noise of governments officials patting their own backs with one hand while wringing each other's hands with the other.

[aslipyaaj]

Saudi Prince regrets not doing business with Trump: Would cancel if I did

Riyadh: Saudi billionaire Prince Alladin bin Aladeen has vociferously lashed out at Donald Trump today calling him an unsettled sanddune following his call for a ban on Muslims entering the country, and has decided that he will pursuade the traditional camel hair wig makers from doing business with the American tycoon and Presidential hopefull in the future.

Trump has been called out as a bigot and racist to no apparent distress as he continues to agonize minorities and ethnic groups with his incindiery rhetoric.

'You are a berson for which I have no words,' Prince Alladin, the chairman of Bleasure Holding, said on his Twitter account addressing Trump. 'You are all manner of unmentionable curses of which I can not even name.'

'I regret not having done business with you.' the prince, who is worth a shitload of inherited money added, 'If I did, I would have cancelled all business with you.'

He declined from answering questions as to whether family members that are currently doing business with the Trump Estate would break their financial commitments.

'I have decided I may never ever do business with you. I may never ever ever want to invest money in your several high return businesses.'

Trump stuck back before the end of the day through his Twitter handle. 'If Saddam was in power I would’ve taken him down too!'

Trump's comments have already ticked off several influential people in the Middle East. A major chain of grocery stores has halt sales of WWE merchandise popularly referred to as 'Trump' Cards.

On Thursday, a Dubai Restaurateur that used trumpets on his outlet's logo, stripped the musical instrument off of the image.

[aslipyaaj]

Google Doodle tries to maintain relevance on day's of no major event

Google Doodlers continue to try to justify their employment to the Mountain View giants by churning out Doodles on a daily basis. The recognizability of their work has however, broadly been accepted to be sinking. The absence of creativity and general vapidness of the doodles does raise questions on quality maintenance. And with unimaginative output like the critically panned Bunsen Burner doodles becoming the norm, we spoke to the designers about their bromidic work. "The lack of pre-Christmas events is definitely hurting us. And its too early to bring out the Christmas doodles. We want to pace ourselves and help ease the users into the Christmas spirit as well." said of one the Doodlers on condition of anonymity.

The respondents were quick to point to their better works, articles ranking them and the fact that several FaceBook groups are based entirely on discussing the more popular doodles. We had to admit, the interactive ones were pretty damn good.

The inspiration for the doodles however, was not as inspiring. "We usually check out the wikipedia homepage to see whats happening. That's like, most days. On days of important incidents Big Brother tells us what to do and that's okay too".

Uninspiring.

[aslipyaaj]

Terrorist Supergroup IS membership drops dramatically by 90%

Kobane: The ground situation of the Syrian city bordering Turkey has taken a shocking turn over the last 24 hours. The army camping grounds of Baagh Al-Hazima outside IS battle HQ is the site of a blood bath that will go down in history as the one of the most horrifying instances of mass execution ever recorded.

Group supreme AbuBakr Al-Baghdadi called upon Muslims all over the world recently, to give up taking the names of their God Allah as their own. Although the fatwa was ignored and discredited, Al-Baghdadi has remained adamant. At midnight yesterday he gave the order to clean house by eliminating all members with a first name among the 99 names of Allah, in ways most violent and painful. Members with middle names and surnames among the 99 were to be killed multiple times.

Although, It is prohibited to use the attributes of Allah with a definite article, removing 'Al' aka 'the' from the attribute is permissible and very common. In fact, Its is estimated that more than 50% of Muslims world wide have at least one part of their names, as one given to Allah. 

Al-Baghdadi's new diktat is the latest amongst several that contradict both the general rules and commonly accepted behavior in Muslim society. The move however, comes as a boon to the rife stricken area that has been suffering from the brutality of the terrorist group apart from being the battle ground for one of the more ferociously fought clashes in the ongoing struggle as of yet.

[aslipyaaj]

WhatsApp To Introduce New Red Ticks To Show Your Messages Have Been Ignored

After the mixed response to the Blue Ticks, the WhatsApp team is bouncing back with a new feature that is bound to cause more frustration to the infidelious. The new feature will cause a Red tick to replace the inner Blue tick when the recipient hears the message tone at its arrival, and the second Blue tick to be replaced with a Red tick when the message preview has been read and duly ignored.

A sample user base we interviewed got us a many an animated response to the new development. From the outright joyous to the speechless worried glances. Either way, the popular messaging application has decided that switching off this feature will not be an option.

We spoke to Lead Developer Chastity Christian about this.

“People think it isn’t our place to police what they are doing with our software until we tell them how many users have been caught exchanging pictures and videos of things very very illegal. I think this is just another step we’re taking to enhance the lives of the subscribers. Girlfriend lying about bad network coverage? Bam! Cute guy just isn’t that into you? Bam! You got it.”

”It’s about them, is what it’s about. Everybody deserves that respect, that knowledge of knowing when one is being ignored. And white lies? When have they ever done anybody any good?”

We found it hard to argue with that logic. 

[aslipyaaj]

Man Who Had Quit Job Believing 'Ache Din' Updates His Resume On Job Portal

New Delhi: A West Delhi resident today, uploaded a new resume on several job portals after much deliberation. The decision came after spending a month at home watching the prices on everything rise and being told a bitter pill was waiting.

“I had put in my resignation the day the results came out. I was so happy, we all were. So many friends lauded my decision and toasted my fortitude. Is it so surprising that they haven’t been returning my calls lately?”

The question was rhetorical so we didn’t answer.

“I was given a farewell party like no other. They even had confetti. For the first two weeks or so we were on cloud 9. The neighbours were talking to us. We had friends and family over gushing over how we were in for the time of our lives. How China would be begging us for our time, how Pakistan would cower and how Americans would clamour for our work visas. It does seem a bit much now that I think of it.”

Resumes have been uploaded and the formal wear has been ironed. Shoes have been polished and theory has been brushed up. Many interviews are clear and visible, in the future of our respondent.

“They said we won’t have to pay taxes because they would bring all the Black Money back.” He said as he we left. 

[aslipyaaj]

Aphonia Infectious at PM Residence

[aslipyaaj]

Area Man Bats For Modi To Bring Back His Hair

“Yes, I do think voting for Modi will bring me back my hair.” Area local who wished only to be identified as Balram told us today. “I’ve no doubt about it.” He added, as he shared his thoughts on the upcoming national elections that intermingled with his thoughts on his hair loss.

“Modi will figure it out. Haven’t you seen the advertisements?” He answered when we question what the PM candidate had to do with his hair. “He will minimize technology, fight governance and make corruption transparent and accountable or something similar. In all he will fix everything for me.”

Looking around his domicile it is apparent from the family photo’s that male pattern baldness is hereditary but Balram persists. “He is the Vikas Purush and he will make everything better. No, I know nobody has explained how the Gujrat model is supposed to work, I know. And I checked all the statistics on the internet, I know Gurjat’s growth has only matched India’s average and that it performs better only when compared to the most backward states in India, but those things don’t matter because I’m not voting for BJP, I’m voting for Modi.” He finishes the sentence by wringing his hands gleefully/

“It’s clear who I’m voting for. I don’t care that BJP doesn’t have an election manifesto.” He continues, “And I care even less that they are fielding the most number of corrupt candidates. I started balding under the rule of the Congress government and I have had enough of their scandalous and corrupt ways. I want a strong government, one that will make the Chinese produce cheaper hair products.”

The interview came to abrupt end after Balram ejected us from his living room on being asked if he knew that the CAG had indicted Modi on charges of Corruption and Favoritism. He clutched his hair with both hands as he vacated his apartment shouting the kitsch slogans of Modi Sarkar and Namo Namo

[aslipyaaj]

WWE looking to recruit Indian MLA's for Indian edition

New Delhi: Still hooked on to the flashy, operatic and flamboyant entertainment sport they call Professional Wrestling? Then there good news for you. India may soon see its own Federation of Professional Wrestling crews in form of an Indian version of the World Wrestling Federation. Vince McMahon was seen getting off Delhi's IGI airport late Sunday night and he is said to have one thing on his mind - An Indian wrestling & entertainment program.

Sounds like fun? You will have to wait for the dampener here - It will consist of old graying men.

Doesn't make sense? It didn't to us either. We decided to dig deeper. We spoke to Stephanie McMahon, Chief Brand Officer, of World Wrestling Entertainment about it and this is what she had to say. "India has always been on our minds. Other than being home to very loyal fans, India has some excellent talent for our show. Several WWE stars are Indian or of Indian heritage or have learned one of the many Indian forms of the martial arts." Seeing as how she intended only to stonewall us we bribed Raj, the Indian janitor, who worked there.

He confirmed the speculation with us. "They've been looking at recruiting from India for a long time now but hadn't found the right talent. The Great Khali was really the last straw. They'd find these big burly fella's who'd have some wrestling experience but they just wouldn't be able to spice things up. Grunting and pointing really didn't work for the American audience. I told them they should look up some of the batshit crazy stuff they do in our Legislature Bodies and that's when they struck gold."

"These fella's were real bad ass. Better than the stuff the recruiters saw on trained professionals. Man, I could cross off basic unarmed combat, grudge matches, chair face off's, melee's, close range weapon; Everything was on the table here. And these 'People's Representatives' didn't even seem to mind a bit of gore. So yeah. All things were go."

We agree. Publicly elected officials in India do fit the bill here.

Back to the story, McMahon's visit comes at a time when several local politicians were seen taking up self defense classes in combination with mixed martial arts training's. The recent pepper spray incident is seen as a breach of discipline in the other-wise hush hush nature of the endeavor.

We will give you more exciting tid-bits as the story builds. 

[aslipyaaj]

UP MLA's to join hands to form Union; Cite Unsafe Work Conditions

Lucknow: MLA's who discussed this rather than the issues of the people, in the state Vidhan Sabha early Monday afternoon, said the efforts to form a union stem from unsafe working conditions and low wages, among other issues.

Colorful verbal jousting and unarmed combat are a regular occurrence in many state assemblies. During session hours shoes, water bottles, microphones and chairs are frequently seen being used as projectile as well as melee weapons. 

We spoke to Sharda Ranaurat, a Political Activist and Women's Rights Advocate about the development and she had but good to say about it. "It's a good move. Maybe if they feel safe they'd start working. I know they still wouldn't but one can hope."

The UPA government however did not find the move acceptable. Centre has stringently opposed to all forms of protest since it came into power and has not budged from its position yet. It has refused to recognize any such body at the time of publishing.

[aslipyaaj]

UN Nuclear Watchdog to enforce greater security regulation at all nuclear positive facilities

Vienna: The move from the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) to ensure tighter security regulations and greater scrutiny of personnel accessing nuclear sensitive technology comes late in the light of the many nuclear accidents that have occurred over the last decade. Deaths caused by radiation poisoning related to break ins at nuclear capable facilities has increased sharply from the last decade and is quickly becoming a cause of worry for several government bodies.

Some have attribute the deaths as failed efforts of Green Terrorism and Environmentalist Bodies. Green Activist Jean Claude Levis welcomed the move saying "Did you know nuclear fuel has no way of being disposed today? Did you know that Nuclear Power is the fastest growing source of energy all over the world? You think it doesn't relate to you? Did you know that the Japanese government had covered up the reports of radiation poisoning deaths after the 2011 Tsunami caused the reactors at Fukushima to blow up? Do you know how many victims have become J-Popstars after severe mutation arising from radiation exposure? The security breach at Nogent Sur Seine nuclear plant, located just 120 km from Paris, by our brothers at Greenpeace exposes just how little governments are doing about nuclear safety. We hope the new move is just the begining of a great change."

Others would attributed the rise to the advent of comic books and the superhero movie phenomenon. "Every superhero movie I see, every superhero and the corresponding villain he will face off with, all of them seemed to get their powers from some nuclear accident." said Commander Thomas Bigsbie of the IAEA. "Someone somewhere is going to try it. Hell, I saw a movie egging kids on to try to be a superhero. Summat Nick Cage with. It ain't the first time either. When I was a boy kids used to jump off their roofs thinking superman would save 'em."

The deceased were geographically separated and widely differ in age groups. Also, most break ins were registered as amateur attempts rather than the planned act of terrorism by an organized body of individuals. This fact raises suspicions that the deaths might not all be related to environmental advocacy. The deceased were all unrelated other than their memberships in Comic-Con.