I was never one for falling in love. The idea of wanting to spend your life with someone… Well, it was romantic, but the concept was hard. Handing over your heart to someone you had fallen for, and trusting them not to break it was the hardest thing. I told myself that I wouldn’t fall in love for that reason, along with many others, but the heart is a fickle little thing, and you can’t always control what it does, how it acts, or how it feels. I wanted to be loved, and to give in love return, but the odds of being hurt seemed to outweigh the pain, until she came along. I was a young girl in high school, maybe grade 10 or 11, and sure, I had dated in the past. However, I always found it ending with pain and heartache, and I’d long given up, even at such a young age. When I met her, it wasn’t that ridiculous thing that people call love at first sight, because let me tell you - that kind of thing doesn’t exist. Not for me, at least. It was a pure, innocent connection that had started out from a simple interaction that led us to meeting by chance. Some would call it fate, I’d call it life. Whatever it was, we clicked really well, and we got along like no one else I’d ever met before. The two of us bonded mostly through the stories that we wrote together; but if you tell people about roleplaying, I don’t like many people will understand it, and if they do, you’re lucky to have met them. The more her and I wrote stories and drabbles together, the more that we bonded. We had a lot of things in common, who are biases were, our OTP’s, the music we liked, it seemed like everything about us was just meant to be. The thing is, the more you get to know a person, the harder it can be to get along. When you’re teenagers, life isn’t easy, and when you think you’re in love, it complicates things even more. Before I had even known it, I had fallen head over heels for this girl. I wanted to be in her life, and I wanted her to need me more than anything. At sixteen to seventeen years of age, I had met my soulmate… But I wasn’t what she wanted. She never denied loving me, she admitted multiple times that if she had such a thing as a soulmate, that it would be me. That never did change her mind on what we ‘were’ to her though, and that was it - we were never anything more than friends who bonded like lovers through stories we made up together, putting them onto digital paper. We weren’t lovers, she wasn’t mine, but I loved her so much that it hurt me every single day. Like a knife through my chest when I saw her face, when I saw her online, the face that my heart raced that fast would tear me to pieces. When our favorite things started to change, or when we went through things in life that were more painful than we could bare, we took it out on one another, throwing flames into the other person’s life, hoping that for once the other could feel the burning pain we could feel every moment of every day. I suppose the moment I knew I had to move on was when she consumed everything about me. My every day thoughts were of her, and what could be, what would never be, and that if I couldn’t move on without her in my life, that I would never truly be happy. We were once best friends, but then I cut all contact, stopped writing, stopped roleplaying, I left everything I loved behind because of that pain. Moving on was the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I still feel nostalgic about my first female love, and I won’t deny still loving her… But I love myself more, and I know what’s most important to me now, and for that, I am thankful.
asy-kebin, writing prompt #17: Write about moving on
