light of attachment - part one
There is a fear I believe only pseudo parents can completely understand.
The not biological caregivers.
The foster host families.
The adoptive forever parents.
It’s a fear that parents who were formed the natural and given way can not really grasp in the dark side of their minds. It’s the fear of bonding.
The Merriam Webster dictionary describes bonding as: the formation of a close relationship (as between a mother and child or between a person and an animal) especially through frequent or constant association. There is ‘groundbreaking new parenting research shows that a strong emotional attachment between a mother and her baby may help prevent diseases, boost immunity, and enhance a child's IQ’ according to Parenting.com. They explain in no uncertain terms that is ‘well known that the nipple stimulation that occurs when a baby nurses causes a hormone called oxytocin to be released in the mom, which in turn triggers milk let-down. But oxytocin is also called the "love hormone" because it's produced during orgasm and other affectionate moments. In fact, oxytocin behaves in the brain much the same way that morphine does; it turns on our "reward" center, easing pain, making us feel good, and causing us to crave that emotional high again and again. ‘
Babygaga.com informs that ‘Every year we are learning more about genetics and genealogy; and more and more we understand that what makes up our DNA is not set in stone. In recent times, several astounding studies have shown us that our DNA is indeed alterable, and almost always by environmental circumstances. But, environment doesn’t just refer to our geographic location or the air we breathe. It also refers to lifestyle, as well as the type of affection, connections, relationships, and social interactions that we experience. It is now known that the amount of affection a child receives, both physically and emotionally, can influence their genes. Newborns are full of disorganized nerve cells that they don’t know how to manage. Being held, soothed, and cuddled helps babies learn to manage the relative stress of all the new sensations outside the womb. Without our help and guidance, babies would experience much higher levels of stress and illness which can permanently influence their tendency towards health complications.’
We must bond. It is natural instinct for parents to bond. Women breast feed freely refusing to cover because it is natural and beautiful and we must all encourage this vital connection so unique to mother and child.
But as my womb sits empty as a betrayal of what fundamentally makes a woman female; I wonder if I am actually bonding or if I am doomed to ultimately fail.
When we brought buckets home from the hospital she horribly rejected me. I was not the voice she formed listening to within the womb. I did smell right. I did not feel right. I could not give her the fundamental needs a newborn desperately cries for. And as she battled against me. I destroyed myself internally lost in sleep deprived anguish.
Reading patient.info about attachment it states ‘Normally a baby develops a close attachment bond to his or her mother by the age of 6 to 9 months. This happens because the mother has provided food or milk when the baby is hungry, cuddles when the baby is upset, and nappy changes when needed etc. The baby has come to learn that this person will be there to respond to any needs. This gives the baby or young child the confidence and stability to explore the environment around them and to deal with new situations. You can see this happening around the age of 6 to 9 months, when babies become upset when parted from their mother and become wary of strangers.
For babies and young children who have never had this one person who looks after their needs properly, there is no secure attachment. There is no safe base from which to form relationships, explore new situations and deal with stresses. The end result of this is a set of difficulties with behaviour and emotion, which can affect the development of the child. This is known as attachment disorder.
There are two types of attachment disorder:
Reactive attachment disorder (RAD). Children with this type of attachment disorder tend to be socially withdrawn. They do not interact much with their caregiver. They don't try to obtain comfort when they are upset and they don't respond when somebody tries to comfort them. They may be aggressive, or may be nervous and anxious. They may appear unhappy and may not grow and develop as well as they might otherwise do.
Disinhibited attachment disorder. This is also called disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED). Some people consider it a different condition rather than an attachment disorder. In this condition, children are excessively and inappropriately friendly towards people they don't know.’
I knew this could happen as I walked rocking buckets colic tears praying she would knit her heart into mine and never let go. The option of bonds broken were devastating and the fear that a mom not truly a mom can feel rose higher and higher.
