It took me a long time to be confident in my identity. I spent so many nights telling myself that this was just a phase and I would grow out of it. That I would wake up the next morning feeling ridiculous for even humoring the idea that I was anything other than a girl. And I think part of that stemmed from my self-esteem issues. I used to second guess every thought I had and I didn't think I was good enough. I couldn't accept myself before I began to question my gender so there was no way I could accept this new part of me.
I also tried out a few identities before settling on nonbinary which probably didn't help me in this sense. First, I looked into agender but that ended up not working. Then for a few months, I used the term demigirl. That one actually worked out quite well until one night I had a nightmare. I dreamt that a girl at my school was teasing me and I remember she said: "You just don't want anyone to find out you're a demigirl!" I woke up feeling completely wrong and I just knew demigirl was not the word for me.
After that incident, I didn't really know what to do. Because I thought I had figured it out but apparently I hadn't. I was back at square one and it sucked. So I started over. I began looking into other identities that I thought might fit. I even revisited agender. Nothing seemed quite right. Then one day I realized that while nonbinary was an umbrella term for all genders other than boy and girl, it was also an identity.
Nonbinary gave me the freedom that I needed to be able to express myself how I wanted. Demigirl and agender were as constricting and specific as girl was wrong. Nonbinary allowed me to have a name for what I was but it also allowed me to be able to define it however I please.
My road to this point was not an easy one nor was it all that pleasant. But it was perfect because it led me to where I am today. And that's what's really important.
I hope that in sharing my story I can remind people that it's ok to be unsure. It's ok to change your identity, pronouns, and/or name multiple times. It's ok to have to come out a few times because you haven't quite found what fits for you. It's ok to not want to come out at all. Or to come out to only a few people. Or the whole world. Your experience is just that. Yours. No one can tell you that you're doing it wrong or that you can't keep changing your mind because "it's too confusing for them." People don't have the right to tell you what to do or force you to tell them your identity. That is your choice. Not theirs.
All that matters is that you are happy with yourself and that you feel comfortable in your identity. And if right now you think that no one will accept you or that you'll never be able to come out, trust me on this: you will. Someday someone will love you for who you are. I've been where you are and I know it sucks. It sucks so freaking much. But if you can find it in yourself to keep fighting it will get better. I can promise you that.
Also, I cannot believe I’m only 6 away from 100??? I’m amazed!! Thank you all so much for following this blog even though i don’t post that often! It means the world to me. <3
