Hey. So I know I've been kind of MIA for a while. I got a gig working for one of the major cell phone companies. They needed holiday help at the kiosk in the mall and I was like, "I'd be happy to." I work there with a guy named Dennis, who is Aunt Milly's boyfriend's nephew. He kind of hooked me up with the job. I guess he's sort of my boss, but he doesn't really act like it. He's actually pretty cool. He has the same car from the 2 Fast 2 Furious video game! It's green with a black stripe. It is totally rad. He took me for a ride in it, but I wasn't allowed to touch anything.
Dennis also has the iphone 5. Have you guys seen this thing? It is sooo dope. It's got this really cool feature called Siri. It's like a lady helper that lives INSIDE THE PHONE. I think that name is so pretty. When I have a daughter I am for sure going to name her Siri. I want to have four kids. I can't wait to meet my soulmate and start a family with two boys and two girls. I think Siri Peppercorn sounds so pretty. Anyway, working at the kiosk is hard stuff. There are like a million data plans and it's tough trying to keep them all straight. Dennis says we don't really want people to understand what they are buying, but he must have misspoke because that doesn't seem to make much sense.
Dennis sold me on getting an iphone 5 with unlimited data and a seven year contract. He said it was the best deal and I have no reason not to trust Mr. Burnham's nephew because Mr. Burnham is like my Aunt Milly's favorite person and she has really good sense.
But what I really wanted to tell you all about is the girl that works at the Cinnabon. Her name is Lucy. She has pink streaks in her hair and a tongue ring and a chain wallet. She's one of those really cool girls and guess what, I got a date with her! One day I was buying a Cinnabon for lunch and she was at the counter and I was like, "Hey, I just got a job over at the cell phone kiosk. My name is Rory."
And then she was like, "Which cell phone kiosk?"
And she was like, "Their service is the worst."
And I was like, "I just got the iphone 5 from them. Have you seen this thing? It's got this really cool feature called Siri. It's like a lady helper INSIDE THE PHONE." Which I think is more amazing than funny, but she seemed to take it the other way around. She had a really pretty laugh and I told her so.
So anyway, I've been getting two or three Cinnabons everyday for the past week. They make me really sick but I like getting to catch up with Lucy. Today I finally built up the courage to ask her on a date. I was like, what time do you get off from here? She said 5:30 and I asked if she'd like to have a Cinnabon with me. She said no thanks but we could go a restaurant and have dinner. Score!
I ran back to the kiosk to tell Dennis.
"That chick is so hot," he said.
"She's really nice," I said.
At five thirty I went to meet Lucy at the Cinnabon. She came out and asked where we were going and before I could answer Dennis, who I guess was behind me the whole time, said, "Why don't we hit up Applebee's? I know a waitress there."
I was sort of hoping to spend some time alone with Lucy, but I felt bad that maybe Dennis didn't have anyone to hang out with so said sure thing and gave Lucy a look like, "Hey, he's my bro. I gotta look out for him."
We road in Dennis' 2 Fast 2 Furious car. I let Lucy sit in front to be a gentleman, even though the back seat was super small and it turned out that even though there was an Applebee's in the mall , Dennis' friend worked at a different one that was an hour away so by the time we got there I had cramps in both my legs. Lucy seemed to be having a good time though. She loved the car and her and Dennis were laughing the whole time. I couldn't really hear what they were saying because my head was pressed up against the subwoofer and Dennis likes to play his DMX records at a very high volume, but it looked like they were having a pleasant conversation.
When we got to the Applebee's the waitress that Dennis knew wasn't working. We sat in a booth and ordered margaritas. Dennis showed us his tattoos. One was a of a girl doing something that isn't appropriate to write about. The other was some pretty rad tribal pattern. I said that I was thinking about getting a tattoo myself, but that I hadn't decided on one yet. Lucy squeezed Dennis' muscles, which are really huge. Sometimes it was hard for me to contribute to the conversation because I was sitting across from them and they kept turning to talk to each other.
We ordered some apps and drank more margs. I was starting to feel like maybe letting Dennis come with wasn't the best idea. I stepped away to call Aunt Milly and ask for some advice. I wanted to be a good friend to Dennis and a good date for Lucy, but I didn't know what to do. Aunt Milly didn't pick up though. Eventually I started to feel really sick. I had eaten some fried scallops at the Chinese place in the food court before we left the mall. They weren't sitting right. I ran to the bathroom and, lets just say I'm going to have a rawness in my butthole again.
Afterwards I still felt really sick. I was sweating a lot. I went back to the table to tell Dennis he had to take me home and to apologize to Lucy and try to reschedule our date, but when I got back they were both gone. Then I threw up on the Applebee's waitress. The manager made me pay the check and then he told me to get the heck out of there.
At first I thought Dennis and Lucy had left me there. I was starting to get really worried, but then I saw Dennis' car. He had moved it all the way to the back of the parking lot, away from all the other cars. I ran over. All his windows are tinted so I couldn't see inside. I knocked on the door and after a while it opened and Dennis said that he and Lucy were just waiting for me to come out. I said okay, but I'm really sick from these scallops I ate so please take me home.
As soon as we started driving, I threw up in the back seat of Dennis' car and he yelled at me. Then I threw up again.
Anyway, that was two days ago and I'm feeling way better right now. I start back at work tomorrow. I already bought some flowers and candy to give to Lucy when I ask her on our second date. This time I'll be sure to let Dennis know, "Sorry bro, but I need to spend some one-on-one time with my special lady." Peace out friends!!
Originally posted December 5, 2012
