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@rorypeppercorn
What's Your Baby's Name, Baby?
Hey all. Woo, I have so much to say. I’ve been on an endless quest to track down the love of my life and mother of my child. There were a few hairy moments there, a couple of near death experiences, and at least one misunderstanding with our heroes in blue. But all that isn’t as exciting as being a new dad. By my count Miranda is now at least two months pregnant and you know what that means! It’s…
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I'M GONNA BE A DAD!!!!!
I’M GONNA BE A DAD!!!!!
Amazing news ya’ll! I’m going to be a father! Wow. I can’t believe it. It’s like in the last few months, all my dreams have been coming true. First, I met this amazing woman named Miranda at a Dunkin Donuts She is so pretty and nice and she loves Xbox 360 just like me!
It turned out that she had been having some real problems with her mom so I let her move in the week after we met. What a dream.…
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Work It! Work It Good!
Work It! Work It Good!
Hey All!
I’ve been so darn busy at my new job I’ve hardly been able to find the time to post any updates! As some of you may already know, I recently accepted a position as a receptionist at a really wonderful company. I can’t say the name for legal reasons. Anyway, things have been going practically the best they could possibly go there. I’m making so many potential friends it is OUTRAGEOUS. I…
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That's So Rory: Valentine's Day Edition.
This Valentine’s day was one for the books, ya’ll. At first I had a serious case of the bummers…
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Working 8 to 6:30 With A Thirty min. Lunch Break: What a Way to Make a Living.
Great news, Y’all!!! That temp agency came through, and I got a job! It’s pretty great. Aunt Milly…
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Getting Swole
So my therapist suggested I start exercising to help me deal with the cases of the grumpies I’ve…
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The First Step is Admitting You Need Temp Work
So on account of the fact that I’ve been sleeping fifteen hours a day and I suppose because I’ve…
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Diamond in the Rough
Hey all. Well, I've got a pretty shameful story to tell you. Aunt Milly entrusted me with a big responsability and I'm afraid I did not come through for her. Now that the leaves are gone and the snow is falling, Aunt Milly declared it was finally time to get new tires put on her car. I was pretty honored when she asked me to drive to the Sears Auto Shop and have four brand new Goodyears put on. You see, things have been really tense between me and Aunt Milly lately ever since I downloaded a virus onto her laptop and her desktop and her ipad trying to get the new Kanye West album. This was my chance to prove to her that I'm a stand up guy, and that it was not, as she sometimes says, "A huge mistake" to let me live with her here in Chi-city, the best place in the whole world.
The people at Sears were very kind to me. While I waited for the new tires to be put on, they suggested I take a walk around the store. This was just after Christmas, and the place was abuzz with shoppers. I saw so many bright, loving families in their winter coats, all smiles and warm salutations. I have to admit that love was on my mind when I stepped up to the jewelry counter. Orignally I wanted to browse some cool looking Rolex watches, but before long I had meandered over to the diamond rings. Well I'll tell you, the moment I laid eyes on the Emitations Padgett's Marquise Cut Cubic Zirconia Wedding Ring Set - Double Ring Guards I knew I had to have it for when I finally meet the girl I'm going to fall in love with and ask to be my wife. The only problem? I haven't been working so much in the past 20 months. I'm pretty low on funds. But I have to tell you, I was filled with love for my future wife and thoughts only of caring for her needs when I reached into my pocket and pulled out the $500 cash Aunt Milly had given me to pay for the tires. The woman at the counter was so nice, and she seemed excited when I said I couldn't wait to give it to my girlfriend. She had a really bright smile and said, "She's a lucky woman." "Oh no," I said, "I'm a lucky guy. Or I'm going to be." Then I asked her what she was doing later because if you are on the look out for your true love like I am, you have to be ready for the fact that she might be anywhere at any time. Let's just say the woman working the jewelry counter is not my soulmate. Anyway, you can probably guess what happened next. When I went back to pay for the tires I had no money. They had to put the old tires back on and then bill Aunt Milly's Sears card for the labor costs. When I got home and showed Aunt Milly the ring, she started to cry. At first I thought she was overcome by the romance of the whole thing, but later she said it was because I was such a disappointment to her. We went back to the mall and returned the ring to the same woman who had sold it to me. Aunt Milly and the woman had a long laugh at my expense. Then, while we waited for the tires to be put on the car, Aunt Milly took me to the Cinnabon and let me get two Cinnabons and said she was sorry for yelling at me the entire way to the mall. Then she said something that I'll never forget. "You're 27 years old now, Rory. You have to get you fucking life together." She's right. 2014 is going to be my year.
My 2013 Favorite Things of 2013 Pt. 1
Hey friends! It's the roarster, back at you with a hot list of everything rad and chi-town funky about the past year. Well, we have a long way to go so lets get started with the countdown.
2013: Getting back into the 80's!!!!
Ahh, nostalgia. There was nothing cooler in 2013 than having an all out 80's night. Kicking back to some Depeche Mode or just having a 24 hour brat-pack marathon. The 80's were back in 2013 and they were hotter, sexier and full of more giant shoulder pads than ever before!
2012: College Football.
Was it just me, or was EVERYBODY talking about College Football this year? You guys. I love Fball just as much as the next guy, but come on, there were other rad things happening in 2013.
2011: The Affordable Care Act.
I just got booted from my parents' insurance so this is a story I've been watching closely. It seems like every day there was something new to talk about, some new controversy to deal with, some new wonderment to behold. The same can be said for my wicked case of ringworm, witch has encircled my entire ankle. Fingers crossed that this Obamacare thing can pay for someone to fix it.
2010: Kanye West.
Okay, I'm probably gonna catch some heat for this one, but I have to say it. Kanye was tearing it up this year. He got married, which is like, my number one most awesomelly huge dream. I tried to download his new albumbut we got an email from Comcast that said I was doing it dishonestly and Aunt Milly revoked my computer privileges for most of the year. That's why I haven't been posting lately. One love, guys. Crime doesn't pay. Congrats to Kanye and Kim and the new baby!
2009: Sweet Cars
For real, dudes. Between the new Fast and The Furious movie and my aunt Milly's boyfriend's nephew's car and these kick butt wheels I saw parked outside my apartment in Chi-town, it seems like everyone is finally able to save up enough money to buy the car of their dreams. Awww yeah. Some day!
Okay, bros. That's it for now. About to pound some brews with my boys. I'll continue the list tomorrow. We have a long ways to go!!!!!!!
Originally posted December 31, 2013
Dibs, Ribs, and Fibs
Hey everyone. So I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, but I was too ashamed to post it. Then, today, while I was out partying, I saw a guy with a shirt that said, "Push It To The Extreme". I thought, yeah, he's right. I shouldn't be holding anything back. I should be putting myself out there, flaws and all. So here it is:
So I'm pretty much bed ridden right now. I broke one of my ribs and it hurts to move. When I was a kid I used to think the word "Karma" meant something sweet, because it sounded like "Carmel". Well, now that I'm a grown up I know the terrible truth: Karma can taste just as bitter and unpleasant as a spoonful of old purple medicine, and boy did I have to take my medicine this weekend.
This story starts out in a shameful way. I would rather skip this part, but there's no way around it so I'll just say it. I told a lie. I lied right to my Aunt Milly. She was braising a pork roast in the kitchen when I did it. See, the thing is, Tomb Raider just came out for X-Box 360. It looks like a super fun game and Lara Croft, the sexy, super hot lead in the game, is one of my biggest crushes, hands down. (I mean, who wouldn't love a woman who can kick ass, but is also into history and culture? I'm not like most guys, I need a babe with some brains.) Here's the thing though. The Game Stop is nowhere near our house and if I was going to get there in time to purchase the game, I was going to need to borrow Aunt Milly's 2012 Toyota Prius. Here's the catch, though. Aunt Milly never lets me take the car out on account of the fact that I once spilled a V-8 all over the upholstery. I did my best to clean it up but Aunt Milly said that the car smelled like someone dumped a lasagna in the washing machine.
You have to understand something. I've been having a rough couple of months. First, I got let go from the cell phone kiosk in the mall. Too many people complained about me asking them to hang out after I got off work. I guess I was coming on a little desperate, but it's hard to make friends when you spend 65 hours a week working at a cell phone kiosk. I was desperate for some happiness, and when I read about the release of the new Tomb Raider game I thought, "I deserve to play that."
So while Aunt Milly was busy braising the pork roast, I made up something about how a guy I knew that worked at a different cell phone kiosk in the mall wanted me to come down for an interview because he heard I had been let go from the original cell phone kiosk. (I'm trying to keep the names of the service providers out of it for legal reasons.)
"Well, can't you take the bus?" She was bent over the opened oven, poking at the pork roast, clearly unhappy with the progress that had been made.
"He wants me there within the hour. Plus, that snow storm is hitting us pretty hard and the buses are backed up. I checked on the internet."
"OK. Fine." She waved me away. I could tell she was more concerned about the roast just then. She had some friends coming over and she was stressed out. Aunt Milly has a diverse group of wonderful friends. They are very important to her and I can understand why. Making friends is important to me too.
I hopped in the car and was off to Game Stop. I drove as carefully as I could. The snow was coming down pretty good by then and the streets and sidewalks were slick. I purchased the game and rushed back home. No muss, no fuss. Except for this one thing that happened next. You see, when I pulled back onto our block I noticed that there was only one parking spot available and that someone had dragged some garbage and put it near the curb. This was strange since garbage in Chicago goes in the alley. I thought maybe the person who had done it was new to the city and didn't understand so I decided I would help us both out by dragging his discarded trash into the alley and taking the parking spot for myself. It wasn't much, a couple of lawn chairs and long piece of plywood. It didn't take me long to haul everything around into the alleyway.
I went inside and managed to sneak past Aunt Milly and her guests and head straight to my room where I started playing the ever-living heck out of some Tomb Raider. So it would seem that this story ends on a happy note, but, alas my internet friends, it is only just beginning.
About an hour later there was a tremendous pounding on our front door. I came out of my room to see what all the ruckus was about. Aunt Milly was already at the front door, looking concerned. The pounding, which was getting more violent, was making everyone in the room noticeably uneasy. But Aunt Milly was never one to stand down in the face of danger, and in the next moment she pulled the door open, completely to reveal a squat looking old man, bald, with an angry scrunched up face. For a moment he looked startled, like he hadn't expected anyone to answer. Then, he stepped into the house.
"We got a real problem," he said. "What the hell is the matter with your boy there?" He pointed at me.
"Sir. Please don't invite your self into my home and start..."
"I called dibs! I had dibs on my spot. You have to respect dibs!"
I was scared, guys. I'm not even going to lie to you. Before I could make a move the guy came lunging toward me. He tackled me into the kitchen. I stood up and tried to make a run for it. Aunt Milly was yelling from the other room. The man was still on the floor. He grabbed the cuff of my pants and I lost my balance. On my way down I grabbed desperately for something to catch my balance. My hand landed on the pork roast that was cooling on the counter. It provided no support and came crashing to the ground with me. Covered in pork juices and feeling ashamed, I sat on the floor while the old man and Aunt Milly lectured me about the Chicago tradition of dibs. Apparently, it is somewhat of an unwritten rule that if you shovel out a parking space at any time during the winter months you can save it all day by putting trash in the street to hold the place. I said that that seems unfair since anyone who was out driving that day probably had to shovel a spot out themselves and that it's a public street that we should all share. What if someone needed that spot at sometime during the day? I said I didn't understand, that it didn't make any sense at all. They told me to shut up. Then Aunt Milly sent me to my room. She came in later and took away my X-Box. The next day I had to go to the doctor to becasuse my chest really hurt. He took an x-ray and it turns out that I broke one of my ribs when the man tackled me. I hope things get better soon.
Originally posted March 17, 2013
Raindrops and Roses and Whiskers on Kittens
Hey ya'll. I've been getting hundreds of emails asking me about my favorite places and activities to do in Chi town now that I've lived here so long. You know, they call Chicago the Second City because there are always at least two awesome things going on for you to check out at any given time. Here are some of my favorites.
5. Rollerblading the Lake Shore Trail
Living next to a lake is so wonderful. Sometimes I like to Rollerblade up there with a sack lunch and just hang out for hours. Usually I walk the beaches looking for a game of Ultimate Frisbee or volleyball to get down on. Or sometimes I just blade up and down the trail letting the cool lakefront breeze poor over me.
4. The History
Chicago has a rich and varied history. The word Chicago, I just learned, means "we smell like onions". A reference to the many layers of culture and fun the city has to offer.
3. The Elevated Trains (the el)
You guys, sometimes I ride around on these things all day and just clear my head.
2. The Rain Forest Cafe
I'm a city boy through and through, but I also really love nature. I like birds and animals. So when I want a bit of the regular jungle as I'm making my way through the Urban Jungle, I head over to the Rain Forest Cafe. This place is amazing. The whole inside is dressed up to look like an outside! Also, they have tropical drinks and man in a frog suit that walks around and takes pics with you and there are always babes there. I've spent whole nights here. This place is Elaphantastic! Truly one of Chicago's best restaurants.
1. Duh, the BEAN.
Actually, we locals call it by its proper name, "The Cloud Gate". It is made out of a shiny material that you can see your face in. Once I meet the woman who will be my soulmate I will propose to her under this bean. I think it would be really romantic because then, every time we ate beans or looked into something shiny, we wold remember our love. The picture below is from my first visit to the bean (I've since been at least ten times!) I had this awesome idea for a forced perspective photograph so I asked these two rad bros to help me out. I tried to get them to have beers with me after, but then I lost track of them in the crowd.
Originally posted February 2, 2013
Driven Mad
The other day I went to go get my driver's license from the DMV. I had to take the bus because Aunt Milly was at work. It was the day of the first real winter snow and I was standing at the bus stop trying to catch snow flakes on my tongue until a woman walked by and said that if I didn't stop sticking my tongue out at her she was going to rip it off and put it up my rear end. I tried to tell her that I wasn't sticking my tongue out at her at all, but she had a mean face so I just let it go. You're all probably wondering. "Hey Rory? How come a cool cat like you doesn't have your driver's license?" So I thought I would spin you that yarn as my next blog entry.
I was sixteen. I had failed the driving test a few times so when I finally passed, it was a huge deal. I begged and begged my dad to let me take his car out on that first night and finally he agreed. My dad was the only person I've ever met who had a 1985 AMC Eagle.
I don't think they made very many of them. Anyway, it was super rad because, as pictured above, it could go off roading sort of. Also, because it was so big, you could fit like 19 people inside. I never had 19 friends at once, but I always day dream about what that would have been like. I road over to my friend Candice's house. I'm not sure if I've mentioned her before. We were best friends in high school. She got married to a guy who welds railroad cars together or something. His name is Patrick and he punched me in the eye at their wedding and so I had to leave early. Anyway, Candice was the coolest. Sometimes she let me make out with her, though she insisted I wasn't her boyfriend. This was very confusing to me, but I was young and happy to have any kind of friend. I'm a much cooler person now. Anyway she was tall and pretty, but she didn't have too many friends because her dad murder like four or five people and he was in prison and most kids were really scared of her. She had the most beautiful smile.
But when she got in the car that day she wasn't smiling. She looked mad. Candice had a real bad temper and when she looked mad I knew not to say anything.
We cruised around and then I had to stop and put gas in the car. Candice said, "Hey, we should fill up some extra cans, you know, in case you run out or something and there's no gas station nearby."
I was like, "That is a fantastic idea." So I spent the rest of my babysitting money and got four extra cans of gasoline and put them in the back of my dad's AMC Eagle and we were off to cruise the town.
Anyway, Candice said we should drive out into the woods and make out and I was like "Score!"
She said, "Please stopping saying 'score' before and after we make out."
We crawled into the back of the Eagle and started kissing on each other. Next thing knew we were naked. I don't want to brag or anything but Candice took my virginity right there and it was pretty rad. She got on top of me and while we were doing it she looked into my eyes and started telling me about how her dad got denied parole again and how her mom was threatening to move them to Florida, which Candice said was "Totally fucked up."
I only said, "Uh uh uh." because we were doing it. When it was over I wanted to cuddle, but Candice told me to put my clothes on and grad the cans of gasoline and bring them outside. I spilled some gas all over the seats in back and on the ground, but she said there was still enough left.
"I thought this was for the car?"
She said, "No way man." Then she went down behind some bushes and came out with a soggy box full of empty beer bottles. "Kids are always coming up her to drink," she said. "Sometimes I come up and hide over there and watch them. Then I come collect the bottles when they're done." I was stunned. I used to ride my bike by the park a bunch of times hoping that the other kids would ask me to come hang out with them. Candice was just like me. Looking for some best friends.
"Do they ever ask you to hang out with them?"
"Are you stupid? I said I hid over there. I don't want to hang out with some group of jags."
She started filling the bottles with the gas.
"You can't do that. What if someone drinks those?"
She kept on filling them, spilling gas all over the place. She was mumbling to herself. Her face was all red and I didn't know what to say to her. She told me to take off my shirt and she started tearing it into little pieces and sticking them into the bottles. Crazy, right? Also, it was super cold out all of a sudden. We had left our jackets in the car so I was freezing.
Then I said, "Candice, what are you doing."
And she said, "I gotta plan. We're gonna break my dad out of prison." Candice was always coming up with plans that didn't make much sense at all to me or to anyone that wasn't her. She picked up one of the bottles and lit the piece of t-shirt dangling from the mouth. Some of the gas must have spilled on her hand because she yelled out and dropped the bottle which burst on the ground and started a small fire. Another bottle exploded and lit a line of gas that had dripped from the can and led straight to the car. The fire snaked across the ground and jumped up into the AMC Eagle and within seconds the back seat was on fire. Once it looked like the bottles were done exploding I walked back to take a closer look.
I stood shirtless in the cold and watched my dad's kick butt AMC Eagle burn. Candice was gone. As soon as the car lit up she took off into the woods. Eventually I didn't know what else to do but try to warm myself by the flaming car until help finally arrived in the form of a park ranger who called the fire department. My dad was very angry. He tore my license up into little pieces and grounded me for a month.
Anyway, while I was waiting for the bus, like I said, getting ready to go get my license back, I remembered this story and I thought I'd share it because it was the first time I totally scored and everything. I miss Candice. She was not only my first sexual partner, she was my first real friend. She lives in New York now with her husband, but that's another story.
Originally posted January 19, 2013
Oh boy. I've been wanting to update for a while now, but I've been so busy reading the hundreds and hundreds of emails that have been pouring in from fans of my blog. Hurrah! It's so nice to have so many supporters. I know we are all supposed to find our own inner strength and not worry so much about what others think of us, but sometimes when the chips are down nothing beats having friends to help you through feeling lonely. Also, I've been working mad hours at the cell phone kiosk. I have personally made five sales in the last four weeks. I don't want to brag, but I worked hard for those sales. I spent most of my free time at home reading up on the different data plans, studying the fine print and trying to make sure the customer knows exactly what they are buying.
Anyway, this blog isn't about work, it's about CHRISTMAS!!!!! One common theme I've noticed in all my fan mail: EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT RORY WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS. So I thought, the least I could do was spend a few moments compiling my wish list. Better late than never!!!
NUMERO UNO: Sweet Entertainment Set up
What the what!!! Not only is this T.V. rad for playing Halo 4, it looks classy as all get out. One of Aunt Milly's major complaints about getting a big TV, aside from the fact that we can't afford it, is that she thinks they look gaudy. Well, not with this set up. Check out the fire place. I could warm my toes while I game with my bros. HOT.
NUMERO DEUCE: Gaming Chair
Look, gaming isn't my whole life, but if I had this sweet set up it might be. Built in speakers, sleek design, and back support. It's even got rockers for the legs, But this isn't your grandma's rocking chair. It sure does ROCK though, it ROCKS like Metallica! AWWWWWWWWWW YEAAHHHHHH.
NUMERO TRAY: A CURE FOR DISEASE
So many people out there are suffering. Sometimes I think I might cry for hours thinking about it. I know lots of people are looking for cures for different kinds of illness, but I was thinking the other day that we should come up with one medicine that can cure anything.
NUMERO QUATRO : A Killer Bachelor Pad
Guys, I love Aunt Milly, but it would be soooooooooooo cool to live here.
NUMERO CINCO: A NEW IPHONE
Wouldn't you know it, I left my new iphone at Applebee's when I got food poisoning so it would be cool to have a new one.
NUMBER SIX: A SOUL MATE
<3
Originally posted December 24, 2012
CALL Me Crazy
Hey. So I know I've been kind of MIA for a while. I got a gig working for one of the major cell phone companies. They needed holiday help at the kiosk in the mall and I was like, "I'd be happy to." I work there with a guy named Dennis, who is Aunt Milly's boyfriend's nephew. He kind of hooked me up with the job. I guess he's sort of my boss, but he doesn't really act like it. He's actually pretty cool. He has the same car from the 2 Fast 2 Furious video game! It's green with a black stripe. It is totally rad. He took me for a ride in it, but I wasn't allowed to touch anything.
Dennis also has the iphone 5. Have you guys seen this thing? It is sooo dope. It's got this really cool feature called Siri. It's like a lady helper that lives INSIDE THE PHONE. I think that name is so pretty. When I have a daughter I am for sure going to name her Siri. I want to have four kids. I can't wait to meet my soulmate and start a family with two boys and two girls. I think Siri Peppercorn sounds so pretty. Anyway, working at the kiosk is hard stuff. There are like a million data plans and it's tough trying to keep them all straight. Dennis says we don't really want people to understand what they are buying, but he must have misspoke because that doesn't seem to make much sense.
Dennis sold me on getting an iphone 5 with unlimited data and a seven year contract. He said it was the best deal and I have no reason not to trust Mr. Burnham's nephew because Mr. Burnham is like my Aunt Milly's favorite person and she has really good sense.
But what I really wanted to tell you all about is the girl that works at the Cinnabon. Her name is Lucy. She has pink streaks in her hair and a tongue ring and a chain wallet. She's one of those really cool girls and guess what, I got a date with her! One day I was buying a Cinnabon for lunch and she was at the counter and I was like, "Hey, I just got a job over at the cell phone kiosk. My name is Rory."
And then she was like, "Which cell phone kiosk?"
And I so I told her.
And she was like, "Their service is the worst."
And I was like, "I just got the iphone 5 from them. Have you seen this thing? It's got this really cool feature called Siri. It's like a lady helper INSIDE THE PHONE." Which I think is more amazing than funny, but she seemed to take it the other way around. She had a really pretty laugh and I told her so.
So anyway, I've been getting two or three Cinnabons everyday for the past week. They make me really sick but I like getting to catch up with Lucy. Today I finally built up the courage to ask her on a date. I was like, what time do you get off from here? She said 5:30 and I asked if she'd like to have a Cinnabon with me. She said no thanks but we could go a restaurant and have dinner. Score!
I ran back to the kiosk to tell Dennis.
"That chick is so hot," he said.
"She's really nice," I said.
At five thirty I went to meet Lucy at the Cinnabon. She came out and asked where we were going and before I could answer Dennis, who I guess was behind me the whole time, said, "Why don't we hit up Applebee's? I know a waitress there."
I was sort of hoping to spend some time alone with Lucy, but I felt bad that maybe Dennis didn't have anyone to hang out with so said sure thing and gave Lucy a look like, "Hey, he's my bro. I gotta look out for him."
We road in Dennis' 2 Fast 2 Furious car. I let Lucy sit in front to be a gentleman, even though the back seat was super small and it turned out that even though there was an Applebee's in the mall , Dennis' friend worked at a different one that was an hour away so by the time we got there I had cramps in both my legs. Lucy seemed to be having a good time though. She loved the car and her and Dennis were laughing the whole time. I couldn't really hear what they were saying because my head was pressed up against the subwoofer and Dennis likes to play his DMX records at a very high volume, but it looked like they were having a pleasant conversation.
When we got to the Applebee's the waitress that Dennis knew wasn't working. We sat in a booth and ordered margaritas. Dennis showed us his tattoos. One was a of a girl doing something that isn't appropriate to write about. The other was some pretty rad tribal pattern. I said that I was thinking about getting a tattoo myself, but that I hadn't decided on one yet. Lucy squeezed Dennis' muscles, which are really huge. Sometimes it was hard for me to contribute to the conversation because I was sitting across from them and they kept turning to talk to each other.
We ordered some apps and drank more margs. I was starting to feel like maybe letting Dennis come with wasn't the best idea. I stepped away to call Aunt Milly and ask for some advice. I wanted to be a good friend to Dennis and a good date for Lucy, but I didn't know what to do. Aunt Milly didn't pick up though. Eventually I started to feel really sick. I had eaten some fried scallops at the Chinese place in the food court before we left the mall. They weren't sitting right. I ran to the bathroom and, lets just say I'm going to have a rawness in my butthole again.
Afterwards I still felt really sick. I was sweating a lot. I went back to the table to tell Dennis he had to take me home and to apologize to Lucy and try to reschedule our date, but when I got back they were both gone. Then I threw up on the Applebee's waitress. The manager made me pay the check and then he told me to get the heck out of there.
At first I thought Dennis and Lucy had left me there. I was starting to get really worried, but then I saw Dennis' car. He had moved it all the way to the back of the parking lot, away from all the other cars. I ran over. All his windows are tinted so I couldn't see inside. I knocked on the door and after a while it opened and Dennis said that he and Lucy were just waiting for me to come out. I said okay, but I'm really sick from these scallops I ate so please take me home.
As soon as we started driving, I threw up in the back seat of Dennis' car and he yelled at me. Then I threw up again.
Anyway, that was two days ago and I'm feeling way better right now. I start back at work tomorrow. I already bought some flowers and candy to give to Lucy when I ask her on our second date. This time I'll be sure to let Dennis know, "Sorry bro, but I need to spend some one-on-one time with my special lady." Peace out friends!!
Originally posted December 5, 2012
Where My Dawgs At?
My mom always used to say, "It's a dog eat dog world out there." But I've never seen a dog eat another dog. That would be gross. Anyway, I just thought of it because on Monday I started my new job at an upscale doggy daycare center in the Gold Coast. That's right! Rory the Roaring Lion got himself a J to the O to the B. A JIZZOB. After two grueling interviews and a background check I was hired as head cage cleaner from 8am to 7:30pm, five days a week and also on Saturdays. I was soooo stoked. I worked hard Monday and Tuesday. I gotta say, I hate fecal matter but I love little pups and oh boy were there a lot of pups to play with. I liked to pet them and hold them and dance with them. I do't want to be braggy but I'm really good with animals. I understand them.
Yesterday my boss, Mrs. Prendergast, came into the back to see how I was doing. "I can't stand the smell back here," she said. I like Mrs. Predergast alright, but one thing I don't understand is why she always wears tight dresses to work. Sometimes she wears her pink lady business suit and spends the whole day talking about how she doesn't want to get it dirty because it cost a thousand dollars. Anyway, she came into the back room and said that the girl who usually comes to walk the dogs was sick. "A likely story. Probably taking a long Thanksgiving weekend. Your generation is by far the least reliable I've ever worked with." I said that sometimes it's okay to give people the benefit of the doubt. She said that most of the time it isn't. Then she told me that she wanted me to take six of the dogs out for a walk three times around the block. I was so excited! "I'll pay you the dog walkers fee for the hour, it's a bit more than you make now. Do a good job and maybe we can talk about moving you into a position permanently."
Well, you can imagine how excited I was. Three days with the company and here I am, already up for a promotion. I wanted to do my best. Mrs. Prendergast handed me six leashes. "Cages 1, 5, 9 16,17, and 22. Three times around the block. Then come back and get the next six. It's not difficult."
"Yes ma'am." I said. We were off. At first it didn't seem like the dogs were getting along. I was having trouble keeping them all on the sidewalk. It was a lovely fall day out, a bit brisk but the sun was shining. The streets were busy with holiday shoppers and weekend lovers. A group of moms came over to pet all the dogs. It was nice of them but i had to hustle if I wanted to get back in time to impress Mrs. Prendergast. Sparkle, a Pomeranian, started pooping on one of the ladies shoes and she yelled out and I said sorry and we took off. After the first time around the block all the dogs started barking at the same time and they all wanted to go in different directions and none of those directions were the way we were supposed to go. The leashes started to get all tangled. Hank the pug ran between my legs and pulled my arm after him and I banged myself in the testicles.
Eventually I yelled for everyone to SIT. They all obeyed right away because, like I said, I'm really good with animals. The dogs looked up at me and they all had such sweet fun loving faces. "You guys must be sick of being taken on the same walk all the time. Is that right?"
Bones, their leader, a chocolate lab, barked to indicate that I was correct.
"How about we do a little exploring, but not too far or I could get into some serious trouble." So we crossed the street and headed down a residential road lined with giant red-bricked homes. The leaves had turned the most marvelous shades of red and yellow and all the dogs were eager to make their marks on the prettiest trees by urinating on them. After about fifteen minutes I realized that I was lost. I don't really know that Gold Coast area too well. We walked up and down several streets. The dogs were loving it, but I was getting very scared because I didn't know where I was and because I was disappointing my boss. After about an hour I decided I had to ask someone for directions. I went into a gas station but the man behind the counter yelled at me for bringing six dogs into his store. I thought about tying them up outside but I was nervous something might happen to one of them. Mr. Feeny, a beagle, has Allergic Dermatitis and will scratch and bite at his own rump until it starts to bleed if you don't keep an eye on him. We walked around for a couple more hours. I tried asking people on the street where I was, but the dogs barked whenever anyone came near us. It was as if they could sense that I was trying to bring them back to the doggy daycare center so they were thwarting any attempts I made to try and find our way back.
"Come on now guys. I did you this favor and this is how you repay me?" I felt betrayed. I was also starving. Eventually I came across a diner called the Golden Nugget. I went inside and again got yelled at for having six dogs with me. "Please,"I said to the lady. "I'm so hungry and I'm lost and I left my cell phone at home so Aunt Milly could use it because her phone is broken and my boss is going to be so mad at me..." I don't think I started crying but I might have. The lady told me to go wait outside for her. She was maybe in her early forties with graying hair that made her look wise instead of old. She brought me out a plate of scrambled eggs and a strip of bacon each for the dogs. I didn't think the dogs deserved to be rewarded for being such a-holes to me all day, but I didn't say anything about it. When I was done eating the waitress gave me directions back to my work. I told her thank you. When she gave me the bill I realized I had forgotten my wallet at work. I usually put it in my work locker when I get there. She didn't seem very happy about that and said some curse words even though I promised to come back and pay her. I really meant to but I forgot about it until right now. Maybe I'll go back tomorrow.
Anyway, when I got back to the doggy daycare place I had been gone nine hours and Mrs. Predergast was livid. She said, "Where is your goddamn head, boy? You must be dumber than the dogshit you scrape from those cages." I have to admit, this really hurt my feelings. I know that sometimes I can get confused, but I'm not dumb. I had a 3.8 GPA in college. I'm pretty darn smart, but usually it takes time for people to realize it. I guess Mrs. Predergast didn't want to take that time because she told me to pack up my things and leave forever.
So things didn't really work out the way I planned, but I'm not about to let that get me down. I signed up for an employment agency. I have a lot of talents. Hopefully they can help me find a place where I can help make a difference. Love to my peeps out there. Happy Holidays!!
Originally posted November 26, 2012
My Hawt Date
So last night I was on Facebook.com randomly adding people from Chicago when all of a sudden a chat window popped up.
Kendra: Do I know you?
Rory: No. Would you like to? :)
Smooth, right!? We got to talking. I guess I had added her the day before. After a while we realized that we were both bored so I suggested we see a movie together and she said YES! I was soooo excited. Rory the Roaring Lion (My nickname I made up.) hasn't been on a date since he moved here. I got dressed up. I put on my suit because you have to look dapper when you make a first impression. I told her to meet me at the theater.
We met up in the lobby. Let me tell you about how HAWT this girl was. She had blonde hair and wore red lipstick and had really muscular arms, but not in a manly way, in a lady way. She took my tie into her hand to examine it. She asked if I had just come from work, but I said, "No, I'm unemployed."
She said she worked at the front desk of a hotel which I thought was pretty darn cool. She wanted to see the movie Lincoln staring Daniel Day-Lewis, but I had already bought the tickets for the new James Bond flick. She started pouting and I felt awkward, but then she said, "Fine, I guess we'll just do what you want to do." Which I thought was darn nice of her, especially since I had to dig into my tattoo money to afford the tickets.
So we were watching the movie and it was pretty good, but kind of slow, and this is when my problem started. You see, for the past few days I have had a rawness in my butthole. I'm not sure if this has something to do with my diet or the cheap toilet paper Aunt Milly buys, but whatever it is, it is very uncomfortable and makes it difficult for me to stay sitting for long periods of time. So I kept squirming in my seat and Kendra kept looking over at me. Even in the dark I could see that she was really annoyed. I think she might have texted one of her friends about me. But what was I going to do? You can't just tell a girl that you have a rawness in your butthole on the first date. Eventually I had to excuse myself, which was a shame because the movie was finally getting really good. I couldn't bare to sit back down again so I just stood in the lobby for the next hour until the film was over. When Kendra came out she said, "I thought you ditched out on me. How come you didn't come back?" I told her I wasn't able to find our seats again in the dark so I had to sit in the back row. I don't think she believed me. I started to get all sweaty. I was blowing it dogs!
At that point I really thought it was over with Kendra, but she was so darn fine I decided I better give it one more try. So I suggested we go to a bar and suck back a few Bud Light Limes. She said her other date had canceled on her so what the hell. I knew this was my chance to redeem myself so I busted out my emergency credit card so I could show her a good time at the bar. We drank so much! Also, we had some nachos and she got a salad and I ate a bacon cheeseburger and some hot wings and some french fries with gravy and cheese curds called putang. We were actually starting to have a good time. Kendra had so many mojitos. After the bar closed I said I better get home because if Aunt Milly woke up in the morning and I wasn't in my bed she would probably worry. Kendra wasn't having it though. She took me to the hotel where she worked. It was a really nice place downtown. She took a key from behind the desk even though her coworkers seemed like they didn't want her too. Up in the room she told me to undress and get in the bed! I was like, "Oh man, Rory the Roaring Lion is about to sink his teeth into some prey." I stripped down and crawled into bed. I guess I must have falling asleep though because the next thing I remember it was 6a.m. I went into the bathroom and found Kendra. She had decided to sleep on the floor near the toilet. When she woke up she said, "Oh my God." like four hundred times. I tried to kiss her goodbye, but she was too busy texting like everyone she knew, probably to tell them how great the date had turned out.
When I got home Aunt Milly and Mr. Burnham were eating BLTs at the kitchen table.
"You smell," Aunt Milly said.
"Out all night, eh?" Mr. Burnham said. Then he winked at me. I winked back, but I'm not sure why.
Here's the weird part. I went on facebook.com to send Kendra a message and I couldn't find her profile anywhere. Is there a virus that deletes profiles? Just in case I went online and bought some antivirus software. Anyway, I spent the rest of today chillaxing and applying lotion to my butthole. It's really helping!! Tomorrow I'm back on the job hunt. Thanks for reading guys. As always, leave me some comments below. I would love any feedback you have.
Originally posted November 18, 2012
Flash Mob :(
So. It appears I've had my first experience with a flash mob. Before I go any further let met just tell you that I'm okay. Physically, I'll be alright. I'm just a little shaken up. I have been putting this post off for a few days now. Honestly I'd rather not relive what happened, but I think it's important to share my story so that others out there can learn and keep safe. We can't let thugs like this take over our city.
Here's what happened. Last Saturday I was taking the Red line home from China Town where I had just finished eating the most delicious meal I've ever had in my life. Sluggish with lo mein, I was looking forward to a quick ride home, a little Halo 4, and then early to bed because I had a very important job interview the next day. (More on that in a future entry!) I took my seat by the door next to an old woman with a bamboo cane and we were on our way. Everything was going fine until the train pulled into the Fullerton station. As soon as the doors opened the flash mob boarded. I knew what they were right away from reading articles about them in the papers. I could tell that they were going to be trouble. There had to be fifteen or even twenty of them. They were yelling so loud. As soon as the doors closed the insanity started. The guys were trying to do pull ups on the plastic dividers and the girls were cussing really loud into their cell phones.
They all smelled like tobacco and cheap liquor. Loud groups make me so nervous. You could see that everyone else on the train was uncomfortable. There was a very pretty lady in a business suit sitting right across from me. I watched her trying to ignore them but soon enough three of the guys came over and surrounded her.
"Hey. What you reading?" the first guy said. He had on a pair of sunglasses with one of the lenses missing. She held up the book so he could see the cover, then tried to go back to reading. His friends all started to laugh. "My names Geoffrey. This here is Luke and Spencer. We were on the same rugby team." The lady curled up into her seat and I don't even want to think about what they might have done to her if all of a sudden one of the girls that was with them didn't start jumping up and down yelling "We scored, we scored!" and then all the guys and girls in the flash mob starting jumping around yelling "WE ARE PENN STATE" bumping into riders (probably trying to steal their wallets) and spilling their smuggled on beers all over the floor. Then one of the girls puked which made one the guys gag until he started to puke. Then another girl puked. There was puke everywhere so they all got off the train at the next stop.
It's a shame that people like that have to ruin things for the rest of us. I'm just glad they got off the train because I was this close to calling 911.
Originally posted November 15, 2012