don’t you cry |self| 2021
Little one, when you play, Pay no heed what they say. Let your eyes sparkle and shine, Never a tear, baby of mine.
Laying in her hospital bed, Rowan could feel the cold metal of the handcuff on her ankle, she could hear the chain attached to it rattling. Most importantly though, she could see and feel her newborn son as he slept in her arms, after she had spent hours poking him gently in an attempt to keep him awake. She just wanted to see him, see his eyes, let him see her. She wanted him to hear her when she spoke to him in hushed tones, in an attempt to not show any weakness to the female prison guard who had set up camp beside her in an arm chair.
She was physically broken, her tiny body exhausted after hours of contractions inside the jail, a few more at the hospital, then the entire ordeal of labor afterward. When she had gone into labor in her cube, the guards had told her to wait it out for a few hours until things were happening more frequently. By the time she actually got to the hospital, things were fast and furious. The baby had arrived at seven thirty in the evening, wailing and flailing as the doctors placed him onto Rowan’s chest as it heaved with the effort of what she had just done.
She had told them specifically not to put him on her chest. She had told them that she was signing a permanent release of rights as soon as he was born and that he would be going to adoptive parents. The counsellor in jail had called around and found somewhere for him with a couple from Phoenix. They were teachers, had been together eight years, had a nice house with a yard and a dog and were desperate for a child. She had never met them, but trusted that he would be fine. That was, however until she met those big brown eyes with her own.
Never before had she felt such a wave of emotion. A rush of love, protection, fear and more than anything else, guilt. How could she have denied this child the right to the life he should’ve had? One that meant he stayed with his birth family, like she had always wanted for herself. She had gone around in a circle and ended up exactly where she had begun, but instead was looking in from a window as all that she had gone through happened to her own child, and that made her feel physically sick. The only saving grace was that she knew her son would immediately go to his forever family, whereas she was never given that shot.
While she was cleaned up, and even after, she spoke to him. She told him in a quiet whisper all the dreams she had had while she was free about how life would be if she ever got a chance to do better than her own mother had done, her dreams for him as he grew older, and she apologised..she apologised for over three hours for what she was putting him through. She apologised for not being able to be his mother. She refused to cry, she knew that she was doing the right thing.
She had placed a call a couple of hours after Dylan arrived, her voice quivering when she told the woman on the other end of the phone that he was here, and that she needed to see her right away. She needed to see someone from her old life. Lacey was as good as her word and arrived at ten o’clock the next day, even though Rowan knew it would be really putting her out of her way. She walked into the room, expression unsure of what she would find. She looked at Rowan and Dylan a long minute, before saying gently “...Hi..” her voice trailed off as she stepped closer. Rowan could feel her stomach twisting while she watched the woman who had seen her grow from an angry child to an angrier teenager into a damaged young adult. All she wanted to do was to hide. Her hormones were all over the place, and the voice in her brain didn’t match the one in her heart.
Once Lacey was close enough to see the baby, who had fallen asleep at this point in Rowan’s arms, she smiled softly “He’s beautiful.” She looked over her shoulder at the half awake guard, before turning her head toward the younger woman once more. She would’ve loved to have sat down after hauling herself off the couch in the middle of a movie and the long drive, but that didn’t look like an option at present. When Rowan spoke she prefaced it with a big, bracing breath, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Lacey “...I can’t do it, Lace.” she said shakily, expression seeming almost relieved that she was able to say it out loud. Her old friend frowned in confusion, but she wasn’t by any means confused enough to not understand what Rowan was talking about “..But you said that this was what you wanted, Rowan. When I spoke to you last week, you said they’d found a family for him.” She wasn’t sure what had changed her mind, but judging by the determined look on the new mother’s face, she wasn’t about to give up without a fight.
“They did,” Rowan conceded “But I can’t.” her voice broke on the last word, causing her to turn her head in shame to hide the show of emotional weakness. She took a deep breath to brace herself once more, and looked down at the baby, focusing on him to steady herself “...I can’t..I can’t let him go knowing that I’ll never see him again. I can’t. I just can’t.” there was no point in hiding it from this point. Tears slid down her cheeks as her voice broke once more “I can’t let him go away. He’s mine.” she leaned down and kissed the baby’s head for a long moment before lifting her head and meeting Lacey’s gaze. Slowly she extended her arms toward her “Take him.” the other woman stepped back smartly, looking at Rowan as though she was nuts “You can’t be serious.” she cried incredulously “Rowan, I’ve got no jurisdiction here, I can’t take him. I don’t have a foster lined up, a potential family..” she was cut off by the younger woman who held the baby to her chest once more “I don’t care about that. I know you’ll find him a family.” she took a deep breath “I want him to be at home. If he can’t be with me, I want him to be close by. With people that I know. I know I can’t keep him. I know the state won’t let me keep him, but at least I can rest easy knowing he’s in Greensville.” she watched as Lacey bit her lip, knowing she had made it impossible for the other woman to say no. It was true, Lacey had little jurisdiction so far out of Greensville, but she could make it work. It was like her super power. Lacey seemed to be invincible.
Watching as the woman slowly nodded her head, Rowan took a deep breath. She had timed this so that Lacey would arrive just before her twenty four hours were up. Having already called her counsellor and told her that she’d changed her mind, nothing was stopping the baby from being taken back to Greensville. All Rowan had to do was hand him over. That seemed to be the worst bit. She brushed her finger across his eyelashes a few times, waiting for his eyes to flutter open. Once they were she kissed his nose once again, a sob escaping from the back of her throat. She closed her eyes tight to try and hold in tears, but they escaped anyway, flying down her cheeks and dropping onto his tiny, perfect knuckles. She whispered to him “I love you.” before holding him out to Lacey. Then, all she could do was watch, and cry as her son was taken away.