a.n. I want to say before you read this that I have written this from my personal experience of not knowing that I was borderline autistic/ autistic (not sure which one yet) I did do some research into this and it follows the mentality of not knowing and believing that something was wrong when nothing truly is
It is such a simple thing, the world seems to understand it easily, like it takes no thought at all, but she has never quite been able to understand how it works. She is a genius, she should be able to comprehend something so simple, after all everyone else got it, touch is such a simple thing. How can she not be able to do it, the facts she knows how it works she knows why people touch. But understanding fully how to touch people, how to communicate through touch is something that she has never been able to do. A fact of life that comes naturally or at least people say, it should require no thought no hesitation but she hesitates she thinks through every contact and she has no idea how to initiate any contact.
It is not that she does not like touch, no she thrives when people touch her, the small brushes against hands, a hand on her shoulder. She leans into every touch every hug stays in her mind for days if not weeks to come. Touch is not rare, she shakes hands she touches people, although it is rare that she ever initiates any contact. It does not quite click in her brain how to start it how to begin to touch anyone. Confusion fills her mind every time she attempts to touch anyone, it does not matter how small the touch but she finds herself terrified and confused. Touch is important to her, she wants it wants to know how to, how to be touched.
The world is cold when you can not touch anyone, it is a form of self seclusion, she has accidentally forced herself into. It is as if she was in a box forced never to brush against others, it was a void feeling almost, where she feels the need to be around others to know the warmth of the brush of skin. It is a self imposed prison of sorts, causing her to feel alone even when surrounded by people. Always making sure to avoid brushing up against others and shying away from being too close for fear of someone not wanting her close, it was the way she lived. It was a difficult way to be, needing touch yet avoiding from fear of it, it was a conundrum that her mind had formed.
When she was young it was difficult to understand, she had always been more distant from others terrified of it, scared of something that did not hurt. Terrified of something she sought after so much. Something was wrong with her that much she knew, everyday she found herself wondering what part of her was broken that caused her not to understand touch. She could not understand a basic principle of life, it was not normal not what she wanted or what she needed. God did she want to be touched, to not feel as alone and separated from the world. The need to touch to be close to people was strong; but the fear of the rejection and of messing up, of crossing a line was even stronger.
Even when she had been moved to the Luthor house she remembered wanting to touch people, wanting to be close but never knowing how. She used to snuggle stuffed animals, because she knew she could not touch another person. It was a lonely and isolated existence she hated living like that so close but yet so far from others. No one at boarding school understood; no one in the Luthor house understood, Lionel had worked around it when dealing with her. Lex accepted it and would help her at times, help her to be able to touch people help her to be close to others. Her biological mother had known her mother had understood before she had died she had been able to let Lena feel like she was not alone like she was not broken.
Broken, that was how she felt, when she saw how easy it was for others to hug, to touch someone to put a hand on a shoulder to loop arms together. Where was she going wrong where did it not click what was causing her to not be able to touch. She could understand so much, but this evaded her grasp.
Jack had touched her, it was not near enough, not near what she needed, but it was enough and she was glad for it. He did not know, she had learned early on that she was not to tell anyone about how she thought of touch. They would give her a look of confusion and almost disgust at times. Treating her from that moment on, as if she was not near as smart or as useful as she had been before. It closed her off, never to speak of what she did not understand, never to admit how much she needed to be touched, how she needed physical affirmation from people.The world would never understand how her brain worked when it came to touch, she accepted it.
When Kara had come along, she would touch her, Kara would be gentle and take her time. Kara would give her the touch she needed the touch she sought out so much. Kara did not even know just how much that touch ment, how much each hug clinged to Lena’s skin even days after it. How when she was alone and felt like she had been isolated from the world she remembered Kara, how the blonde accepted her, how the blonde would set her hand on top of Lena’s. It was as if Kara knew when she needed to be touched, when she needed to know that she was cared for. WIth Kara someone finally cared enough about her to want to touch her, to be near her.
Then Rhea had come along, and given her the maternal affection that she had craved since her biological mother had died. The affection that she had needed so desperately, that she had clung to it, ignoring every sign that it was not right. She had forgotten everything she knew about the world and how people betrayed her, all because someone had lifted her chin. The subtle way that Rhea had brushed a hair back from her face, the way that she had reassured Lena. the simple things that had drawn her in, and convinced her to help Rhea. She had allowed that feeling those brushes of skin to twist her and convince her to do something against her better judgement, to convince her that there was no ulterior motive. If it had not been for her need to touch and need to be cared for, then so many people may have been saved, the daxam invasion may not have happened.
When the ships had arrived she knew what was happening, she knew that her gut had been right. She knew that her selfish need for love, for care was the cause. People had died, homes had been destroyed, the world had almost been taken over, all because she had needed to feel the touch of another. Her need for reassurance had cost lives and that hung in her brain, as she sat in her office nursing a scotch.
She often felt as if maybe, just maybe if someone talked to her if someone acknowledged it then she would not feel so broken, so alone. She had made up her mind, she would talk to Kara about it, Kara would never treat her differently because of it. So she shot Kara a text, hoping that she would see the blonde by the end of the day. She needed Kara in that moment, she needed to know that everything was not going to fall apart. The reassurance that kara would bring was what was keeping her from getting blackout drunk.
It did not take long for Kara to arrive, she arrived almost sprinting into the office, there was no assistant out there to slow her down, she had given everyone the next week off in order to deal with the attack. Kara looked like she had just run through the rain, Lena had not even noticed that it was storming outside, she had been encompassed by her thoughts.
“Lena, why don’t you put down the scotch and we can talk about what’s wrong” Kara said, gently already knowing how to work with Lena, and understand how to keep Lena from digging herself deeper into her self loathing.
“I uh, I don’t know how to talk about this Kara, I haven’t said it outloud in years” her voice was quiet and unsure.
“Ok, why don’t you take a few breaths and then we can try to talk about it?” Kara had sat down next to Lena, and was rubbing calming circles on Lena’s back.
“ ok, just promise me something,” Lena was on the verge of tears at this point, scared that Kara would see her as less than she had been before.
“Anything Lena.” Kara pulled Lena closer to her side and laid a gentle kiss on Lena’s forehead.
“ when I was little I didn’t really understand touch, it just was one of those things that i over thought and was sure that eventually I would get. I thought I would grow out of it and learn and understand it. I don’t I like being touched, I like touching people, it just doesn’t make sense in my mind, it is like something is broken something is broken in me, Kara,” She looked up at the blonde, who was listening to her intently with nothing but understanding in her eyes.
“You are not broken, it is not something you should be ashamed of, it is not something to be angry at yourself over Lena.” Kara’s words were calming and soothing, radiating nothing but love for the other woman.
“ when I was in boarding school I told someone about it, how I could not understand or come to terms with certain things like touch and some other things that did not make sense in my mind. They looked at me like I was a freak, in fact they had called me a freak.” Lena could feel tears form in her eyes, as she remembered the whole thing.
“You are not a freak, and that person well they are just a meanie” Kara sat up some and was in her supergirl stance as she said it, with such a convinced force that Lena almost overlooked the fact that Kara had just used the word meanie.
“Did you just say meanie?” Lena looked up at Kara with a teary eyed smile, trying not to laugh.
“ umm no lets just get back to you, this is about you not my word choices”
“Mmkay, I told Lillian about it, her response was to tell me never to mention it again, to ignore it, I was broken and should not tell anyone, after all Luthors have a image to keep and me being, well, like this did not fit that image.” Lena motioned to herself, as she spoke.
“ She never touched me when I was a child, or at least not with kindness not the smallest affection,” Kara pulled lena closer with those words.
“Oh Lena, you deserve so much better than her,” there was absolute conviction in Kara’s voice.
“ I guess that is part of why when Rhea came around I was so desperate for a maternal figure that did not see me as broken, that believed that I was able to do anything, that I pushed away all of my doubts. I ignored my gut instinct and it cost lives. I cost those people their lives. All because I was so desperate for someone to understand, all because I wanted to feel touch, to understand and be understood,” she was crying as she turned, and found herself with Kara’s arms wrapped around her.
“Did you kill people, did you physically take their lives Lena?” Kara’s voice was strong and quiet just loud enough for Lena to hear.
“ no you didn’t, you did not invite the daxamites to this world, you tried to solve world hunger, and help someone get home.” Kara stated it with such conviction in her voice that Lena could not even argue it.
“ this isn’t what I had planned on talking about” Lena admitted with a wet laugh, he head was still tucked into Kara’s chest.
“ you know I still feel broken, is there something wrong with me? Why am I like this, I know the scientific facts I should understand touch by now shouldn’t I” Kara could feel Lena’s shoulders begin to shake as she started crying.
“Just let it out Lena, it’s ok, this is hard for you I know it is,” Kara was rubbing circles on Lena’s back, as she held the raven haired woman close to her chest, trying to offer what comfort she could and let Lena know that she was not alone, and that she was cared for.
“ I just don’t really know how to express it sometimes, I should be able to do something so simple, why can’t I, why doesn’t it make sense!”
“ I can’t pretend that I know exactly how you feel, or what you are going through but I will tell you this, no matter what you have me even if you don’t understand it, I will be here, it does not make you less of a person, it does not make you any less Lena because you are absolutely phenomenal.” The way Kara said it made it sound like Lena had been the one to place the stars in the sky.
“ I need you to be here, I need you Kara” it came out as a weak whisper in a pleading voice.
“ I am not going anywhere Lena, there is no where I would rather be than right by your side.” Kara was holding onto Lena, as if she was never going to let go, never let anything else hurt her.
“ I am scared of this, I am scared of this part of myself, I am scared it means that I am broken.” she quietly admitted, her voice shaking.
“ you don’t need to be, there is nothing wrong with you and maybe if you feel like it we can look more into this, I assure you, that you are not the only person in the world to feel like this you are not the only one.” It seemed to calm Lena some, as she slowly began to stop crying, it was far too late to save Kara’s shirt from being soaked by tears though.
“ can you stay with me tonight Kara, I just need someone to be there, it has been a hard day,” Lena had grasped onto Kara like she was the only thing keeping her from sinking into the ground.
“Of course whatever you need.” The reporter gave Lena a reassuring smile.
Maybe things would be ok, maybe she was not as broken as she thought she was, she had Kara, she would always be able to rely on Kara. Not everything was fixed, no, she still did not understand what was going on with her, or why she was the way she was, but a step had been taken and she was not alone anymore, she had never been alone. It did not matter what it was Kara would be next to her, to protect her, to help her stand when she fell. They made each other stronger, they made each other better, and that was all anyone could ever ask.
a.n. thank you for reading please let me know what you thought, and I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes that have been made
