no longer alone
pairing: Leviathan/Reader (can be romantic or platonic, whatever you prefer)
Levi and reader are both autistic <333 and reader’s pronouns are unspecified but masc-intended.
want to preface this by saying that the reader’s experience is essentially written to be mine. I’m not trying to make any generalizations about autism, here—and I state that in the text, too. so, keep that in mind! us autistic people are all different (and also fucking awesome) so the reader may not be exactly the same as you expect. thanks :)
Levi has known his brothers for his entire life, yet he can’t help but feel as if they don’t really understand him. They treat him as an anomaly, an enigma. Levi knows that they just think him to be an antisocial shut-in, but he feels like they don’t make any further effort to understand him. He’s given up on arguing against their claims of him being a loner—it’s not worth the effort and he’s not sure he even has the words to describe himself accurately.
You, on the other hand, are an enigma too. You popped up out of nowhere as an exchange student to RAD. Levi had fully intended to ignore you, but you weren’t content to do the same to him. Admittedly, Levi has developed a sort of prickly exterior to ward people off. That way, they won’t be startled or frightened by his, well, weirdness, as his brothers call it. So, when you knock on his door the very next morning after your arrival to the Devildom, Levi is apprehensive. Against his further judgement, he lets you into his bedroom. You introduce yourself and ask him a bit about himself. Levi can’t stop himself from talking about TSL or Ruri-chan and, secretly, he’s nervously awaiting some sort of disgusted or weirded-out expression from you. Somehow, there’s no such thing. You actually seem to be listening to each word he says. Levi knows that no one cares about his TSL rants or what games he’s playing, but when he sees that intent and interested look on your face, he can’t help but question that notion.
After your first meeting, Levi starts to warm up to you. You’re a refreshing new presence in the House of Lamentation. The last thing Levi needed was another person to judge him for his homebody tendencies, and he's pleasantly surprised that you’ve never breathed a word about him being a loner, loser, otaku, creep...
The more he gets to know you, the more he realizes that you just get him, in a way no one else ever has. Leviathan looks at you and he knows that you understand him, because, well, he sees some of himself in you. He begins to notice things about you—things that he certainly relates to. Levi notices how your gaze always flits about during a conversation, never quite settling and making eye contact with other people. He notices how you’re startled by loud noises, how sometimes you seem frustrated with everyone around you.
One day, he can’t keep his curiosity at bay. Leviathan idly mentions that you understand him rather well, and you hum in response. “Well, I’m autistic, so that’s probably it,” you murmur quietly. Levi has to strain to hear you and when he processes your statement, he finds himself confused.
“What’s that?” Levi asks without hesitation. Typically, he’s a bit more hesitant to ask questions, but he trusts you not to give him a weird look for his curiosity. Indeed, you just look at him with a friendly expression.
“Autism?” You ask. Your eyebrows furrow for a moment. “Oh, I forgot the Devildom isn’t very developed on that kind of stuff. Okay, do you really want me to explain it? It may take a little while.”
Levi nods. Of course he wants to hear your explanation—he wouldn’t have asked otherwise. Levi isn't one to sugarcoat things or lie to protect people’s feelings; he almost always says what’s on his mind.
“Alright,” you nod. “Well, autism—or, Autism Spectrum Disorder—is a disability that encompasses a lot of different things. It’s kind of hard to pinpoint what exactly it is, because autistic people are vastly different from one another. But, there is some sort of framework that people use to identify it.”
“Okay, so,” you take a deep breath. “I guess I’ll start out by describing myself. So... As a child, I was sort of... withdrawn, I guess? I had a lot of trouble with attending school. I was perfectly behaved at school, but the moment I got home, I’d just have a meltdown; I’d be super exhausted and I could never figure out why. Eventually, I realized that I was putting a ton of effort into masking—pretending, basically. I was working really hard to adhere to all the social expectations that I was faced with. Those behaviors didn’t come naturally to me. I had to use up energy to make small talk with people, meet other people’s eyes, remain in my seat without moving, filter out all the background noise and focus on my assignments... You get the idea. You with me so far?”
“Yes,” Leviathan nods. Your story sounds painfully familiar. Levi thinks of his own struggles with school—how he takes nearly all of his classes online to avoid having to attend in-person.
“I didn’t have many friends in high school,” you continue, biting your lip. “Or, I guess I should say... I had friends, but I never hung out with them outside school. I just never saw a need for it.”
“When I went to university, I got super overwhelmed. In case you’re unfamiliar with human university, um... It’s like a sleep-away camp, sort of. Most people live on campus in dorm buildings. University can be exhausting, and there are a lot of students that like to distract themselves with parties and other social events.
“I’m not that social; I don’t need any social interaction to be fulfilled, if that make sense? So, naturally, I felt really out of place at university, where everyone else was constantly partying and spending time in company with other people.
“It took me a long time to realize just why school was so exhausting for me. Once I did, I began to put the pieces together. I really struggle with vagueness and ambiguity, which often results in me needing really explicit directions in order to accomplish something. I’m a very black-and-white thinker, so when things fall in that rather large grey area, I don’t know what to do with them. I have a lot of restrictive interests and it’s hard for me to hold conversations without mentioning them in at least some manner. I’m a pretty sarcastic person, but it’s hard for me to comprehend sarcasm coming from someone else—especially when their tone of voice stays the same. A lot of times, people misinterpret my mood or feelings because my facial expressions aren’t that strong and my voice always sounds the same...”
Levi’s eyes are gradually widening as he listens to you. Everything you’re saying resonates with him deeply—in a manner nothing else quite has before. He swallows hard and continues to listen to you.
“As a kid, I was afraid of dogs because they barked so loudly... I couldn't even go into public bathrooms, because the toilets were so loud... Bright lighting sometimes gives me really bad headaches... A lot of things like that can be part of the autistic experience. Autistic people often have sensory issues, which can prove to be overwhelming.”
“That’s just a few things,” you say with a sigh, entirely unaware of the mental breakdown Leviathan is currently undergoing. “I would go on, but we’d be here for quite a while. Anyway, that’s kind of the overall theme of being autistic: exerting energy just to do simple social tasks that other people can do automatically; having a rigid manner of thinking; sometimes, struggling to communicate or even not wanting to communicate with people at all; constantly feeling like an outsider because you don’t have the same needs as everyone else. We can go into more detail another time, but... that’s the moral of the story.”
“Wow,” Levi chokes out, at an entire loss for words. You’re staring at him for a brief moment before your gaze flits off to somewhere else in the room. Levi realizes that you’re doing the same thing he does in conversations.
“The thing with masking—pretending or putting effort forth to perform social behaviors like eye contact—is that it’s often deeply ingrained into an autistic person’s psyche,” you explain, fiddling with your hands. “I find that I’m often subconsciously forcing myself to perform and pretend for other people’s benefit, which takes a long time to unlearn. But, I’ve noticed that... with you, I don’t feel that same pressure. I feel like I can be myself with you. I think you understand where I’m coming from.” You break off, fidgeting slightly. You’re cracking your knuckles repetitively and tilting your head to the side. Levi feels honored that you feel comfortable enough in front of him to stop masking—as you called it. Now that he thinks about it, he feels as if he’s been doing the same thing whenever he’s in your presence. When Levi’s with you, he can talk about TSL all he wants. He doesn’t feel the need to fill the silence with small talk. The Avatar of Envy doesn’t need to ever verbalize what he’s feeling when he’s around you, because you seem to understand already.
Your story deeply resonates with him, and it’s easy to realize why. “I think I’m autistic, too,” Leviathan blurts out. His eyes widen and he stares at you for assistance. You don’t look the least bit surprised by the revelation; instead, you’re smiling supportively at him. Levi immediately feels tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. He never had the words to describe himself, to explain why he acts the way he does. His behavior had never seemed quite normal to his brothers, and, while Levi recognizes that “normal” is a fluke, he always wanted to fit in with his brothers in the way they all seemed to fit in at school. He always felt like an outsider in their family, as his brothers performed social feats with ease—feats that took nearly all of Levi’s energy to perform and execute. “I’m autistic!” He exclaims, before wincing at how loud his voice is. Thankfully, you don't wince or flinch in the way everyone else does.
“I thought there was something wrong with me,” Leviathan chokes out, tears slipping down his cheeks. He finally gains the courage to look over at you again only to find that you have a heartbroken expression on your face.
“Oh, Levi,” you say with a saddened look on your face. You move to sit a bit closer to him. Levi realizes that you’ve been consistently giving him plenty of personal space and he can’t help but feel extremely grateful for that. “There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Nothing.”
“And, even if there were something wrong with you...” You break off, squinting for a moment as if puzzling out the words. Levi waits patiently. “...Then we could be wrong... together.” Levi’s heart squeezes in his chest. He feels winded all of a sudden. He doesn’t think you understand how much that means to him. For the longest time, he’s been alone in his struggle.
“Thanks, Henry,” Levi murmurs. The name just slips out and he glances up at you with horror. He hadn’t meant to say that. No, no! He had been doing so well, but now he’s gone and ruined it-
“Now you’re going to make me cry,” you choke out with watery eyes, a bright smile on your face. You clearly understand the depth of his remark—what calling you Henry means to him. Amazingly, your eyes are gleaming and you look like an angel. Levi has never felt such a deep appreciation for another person before. You lean forward ever so slightly, your eyes falling to something behind him. “Can I hug you?”
Levi nods and extends his arms. You lean forward and put your head on his shoulder. Levi wraps his arms around your waist, a warm and fuzzy feeling in his chest. He’s never felt so seen before. For the first time, he feels that someone sees him and understands him for who he is. Levi has never felt like that before. He lets his hands clutch at the sweatshirt you’re wearing, clenching and unclenching his fists in the soft fabric.
“Thanks for telling me,” Levi whispers into your shoulder. He recognizes that this must be a vulnerable topic for humans, if your initial moment of hesitation was anything to go by.
“Thanks for listening,” you respond. As you embrace each other, Levi feels another tear slip down his cheek. This time, his tears aren’t born out of sadness, but instead from joy, happiness, and relief. He holds you close, a brilliant smile on his face.
thanks for reading! writing this was self-care, y’all. and i love levi so fucking much. okiii bye!
