#autistically thinking

[autisticallythinking]

People out there say "masking" a lot out there. As an autistic brained person, masking for me is something completely different from what you know or ask.

I can walk into a room of people and be this, this happy bubble outgoing person whom everyone loves. Walk out the door and pull that mask off and be me. Me, who is quiet, who zones the world out to the point I can walk and end up somewhere and not know how I got there.

But I've spent my whole life pretending to be normal, to have the same reactions as everyone else. So much so that masking is almost too automatic.

Masking, for me is learning from experience what is the right reaction when someone tells me a story, masking is learning from experience what is the correct questions to ask a person to get the information I need to PRETEND to react. Yeah, pretend.

I'm no psychopath, I do have feelings, I have strong powerful feelings that overwhelm me to the point I cannot function like a normal person. I've learned from experience what to do when I start to feel that way, how to desensitize my brain, how to unload all of that so I can live my life somewhat.

The honest truth is, I don't know what to do with the information people give me, I don't know how to react when someone tells me something that is emotionally charged. I come across as heartless, cold, blunt and often cruel. I'm not, I care deeply for people too much to the point it wounds me deeply to see somebody in pain, but I cannot get this point across to people. It's like my brain, my actions and my words all disconnect.

[autisticallythinking]

When I stayed at friend's houses as a kid, mum would send me off with a, "behave yourself!" As a kid, I was like, what does that even mean?

So I took it to mean, don't get upset, don't make a fuss, be ultra polite aka; say thank you and please until the cows come home, don't voice your opinion least you create problems. Basically, don't be yourself, be a robot.

Now as an adult, I still have no clue! If i was to tell my child that (if I actually have one one day) I would phrase it completely different. I would say instead, don't forget your please and thank you's and if you feel unhappy or uncomfortable in anyway, call me and I'll come and get you, no matter what time of day or night it is. Because let me tell you, there was times when I stayed at other people's houses that they made me so uncomfortable I wanted to leave and I had to stay there and bear it out.